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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I stealing her thunder

72 replies

Safarichick · 11/09/2016 20:13

I'm expecting baby number 2, has been a massive shock to me, we were definitely not planning. My DC1 is 13 months and we didn't want a baby until they were about 3.

I've decided I don't want every Tom, Dick and Harry knowing until a few weeks or at least my 12 week scan. I've told my mum and that's it. My DH told his parents today.

Here's the thing...SIL has tried for a baby for 11 years and has never succeeded until now. She is now 22 weeks gone with her first healthy pregnancy, of course everyone is over the moon for her. Mil asked if DH had told his sister yet and he said not yet. When we were saying goodbyes today with in laws mil said in a worried, shaky voice with a bit of a grin on her face 'yeah well you can be the one to tell her'. When I was pregnant last time she slipped into a depression because it was me and Not her, I could understand her pain at the time but it had a bad effect on her parents. But now she's pregnant herself and is over half way so I didn't get why mil was saying things in that tone. To top things off mil didn't even say congratulations, she said most things like you'll have your hands full and asked how far gone I was etc, but not the normal congrats or I'm happy for you escaped her mouth. Fil did say how pleased he was for us.

My mum said we shouldn't tell SIL for another good few weeks as its stealing her thunder. I'm not in a desperate hurry to tell anyone and would rather wAit but DH wants to tell her. What do you think?

OP posts:

JustHappy3 · 13/09/2016 11:02

I'd note that it's your MiL and Mum who are saying these things. MiL has probably put her foot in it countless times and had her head bitten off and comforted her through the bleak times. 11 years is 131 BFNs she's had to relate to her DP. It can screw you up - but you don't have any incidents of "off" behaviour to relate.
I would wait til your 12 week scan and then let your DH tell her before you tell the rest of the world. And assume the best of her character not the worst.
And to the person who said at 22 weeks she won't be worrying - ha! Ha! Ha! I knew the % chance of miscarriage for every day of my pregnancy. I spent every day waiting to see if i would still be pregnant at the end of it. You have no idea.

Damselindestress · 13/09/2016 11:32

Your SIL can't expect no one else she knows to get pregnant for the entire duration of her pregnancy, that's ridiculous. If anything it's your thunder that has been stolen, since she got congratulations when she announced her news but your MIL didn't even bother with yours. Announce your news to the wider family when you are ready, which sounds like it will be at a stage when both pregnancies are more advanced anyway. This could be a positive thing because the cousins will get to grow up together, if your SIL and MIL insist on seeing it in a negative way that's their problem not yours. Congratulations

blueyedboy · 13/09/2016 12:05

Justhappy3, you sound just like me!
Hope that everything worked out for you.
I had ten years of tears.

Igottastartthinkingbee · 13/09/2016 13:52

Personally I would wait until you're 12 weeks and/or till she's after 25 weeks. Mainly because she will have a viable baby from this stage. My sister (who took 10 years to get pregnant) did not fully relax for her whole but she felt better from that point on. I was also pregnant at the same time and it was quite nice having someone to compare notes with.

It'll be lovely having cousins the same age growing up together just be prepared for the constant developmental comparison comments

Original poster

Safarichick · 13/09/2016 15:08

Thank you everyone. My hubby told her, I said he should wait until we tell everyone else, I haven't even told my own brothers or sisters yet! But he told her and mil said she's 'in shock about it' I got a text yesterday evening from her to say 'congratulations :-)' and that was it.

My last pregnancy was largely about her and how she felt about it, now looks like this one is going to be the same. Self absorbed springs to mind I'm not afraid to say.

OP posts:

Lweji · 13/09/2016 15:13

Quite frankly, why should she wait until you told everyone else?
Surely, it's his decision when to tell his own family, and yours when to tell yours.

And I'd take what your MIL says with a pinch of salt. And I'd probably tell her not to retell you what she says or feels about it. It's your MIL that is causing the problems, not your SIL.

Lweji · 13/09/2016 15:15

I got a text yesterday evening from her to say 'congratulations :-)' and that was it.

I think that's nice. Are you particularly close that you'd have expected something else?
Presumably your OH told her the details or she asked him. What did he tell you?

It's not her that's coming across as self absorbed, really.

Original poster

Safarichick · 13/09/2016 15:19

Yikes you've changed your tune quite rapidly.

Normally when you find out someone is pregnant, one of my friends for example or a family member shall we say, I wouldn't text them and just say 'congratulations :-)' what am I 16? I think it's a bit of a lazy text and surely a few more words could have been strung together, you know a bit more effort to be put into it. A bit of general chit chat, that sort of NORMAL thing.

OP posts:

carefreeeee · 13/09/2016 15:23

This is a weird thread!

Surely the point of having a child is to have a child, not to be the centre of attention or worry about what texts people send?

If you know she's been through a lot then cut her some slack about her response. everything will most likely be ok in the end. And don't go on about how you got pregnant by accident etc - that might be annoying for her

Original poster

Safarichick · 13/09/2016 15:27

No one told her it was by accident, she was just told. This thread isn't really that weird? I asked the question if telling her would steal her thunder, hardly a weird question?

I've since updated to say that DH has gone ahead and told her and what mil has said and the vague text I receive.

I don't text my family members of 10 years or good friends one word text messages when they have good news, but hey that might be normal amongst people on here.

OP posts:

Lweji · 13/09/2016 15:31

Yikes you've changed your tune quite rapidly.

If that was to me, I didn't change my tune at all. Not on the two last posts, nor in relation to earlier posts.

I really don't get your angst.

Your OH has decided to tell his sister. Fine. It's his decision.
You don't seem particularly close to her. She sent you congratulations. Lazy or not, she had already talked to her brother. I do think it's nice of her to send you a personal message (because I wouldn't have).
Whatever her reaction was, you're hearing about it via your MIL, not from her. So, it's your MIL that's the problem and creating an edge between the both of you. I'd be wondering what she is telling SIL.
You're the one already worrying that your pregnancy is going to be about her. Why do you even care? Just as long as it goes well for you and your OH gives you enough attention, what's the problem?

MammouthTask · 13/09/2016 15:42

Agree that from what you have said, it's your MIL that is stirring up there.

Let that one go. Your MIL is clearly not that interested in your pg and is much more investited in her dd pg. maybe it's a normal reaction (I'm not so sre as it's also her ds child that you are carrying but anyway).
She wasn't last time and won't be this time.
I wouldn't be surprised that her dd's child will also be taking the whole center of attention after the birth too.

Take a step back and ignore. And try and establish a relationship your SIL directly instead. You might find you have more common ground once the babies are there :)

ShiroiKoibito · 13/09/2016 15:51

"She didn't speak to me for a week when I announced I was pregnant with twins a few hours before her DC3 arrived"

I can see why - couldnt you have hung on another week or so to tell people?

CitizenBloom · 13/09/2016 15:52

This is a strange thread, like those ones about how you shouldn't get married on a family member's birthday/wedding anniversary or within a year of someone else in the family marrying, because it's stealing their thunder'.

I must live in some other universe, because neither I nor any woman I know well has had any thunder to steal purely by virtue of being pregnant! (And I say that as someone who had her first and only child, and made her parents grandparents for the first and only time at 40.)

Genuine question to people in general, because it's so not an experience I'm familiar with - did you really get so much attention from your family and friends because you were pregnant? What kind of attention? And would you really have felt short-changed if a sibling or IL became pregnant during your pregnancy, even if yours was a long-awaited one?

Notonthestairs · 13/09/2016 16:17

Look there is obviously quite a bit of feeling left over from your last pregnancy - the attention wasn't focused on you and your child and I can imagine that hurt or was at the very least annoying. But I doubt she was depressed for the fun of it either. Nobody enjoys being unable to concieve - that doesnt give you carte blanche to behave badly BTW but it must have been hard.

Your MIL is panicking - frankly that isn't your problem.

SIL knows now and has sent a brief but positive message.
Let the dust settle and hope that she sees the benefits of her child having a cousin close in age. If she doesn't then it is her loss.

Enjoy your pregnancy and congratulations!

(FWIW I've been the SIL that couldn't stay pregnant and then (a few years later) the one that had a child when another SIL couldn't. None of it was easy on anyone.)

icy121 · 13/09/2016 18:57

I'd wait for 12 week scan anyway - not to be morbid, but you never ever know how it'll go and I've spent enough time on the infertility boards to see how common it is. Good of you to think of her tho.

icy121 · 13/09/2016 19:03

Oh just seen your update.

Jesus Christ what did you want? An essay telling you how pleased she is for you, a bunch of flowers, bunting?! When you've had a baby and are diffed with another in very quick succession whilst she's been struggling for ELEVEN YEARS?! You need to get some perspective and empathy.

And if you can't do that, don't think about her at all, instead of thinking and writing down horrible bitchy thoughts about her being "self obsessed" - this is a woman who has suffered for over a decade.

StripeyMonkey1 · 13/09/2016 21:32

Let her be. She did the right thing in congratulating you despite possibly having mixed feeling herself. I don't think you can or should expect more from her.

You might however want to have a word with your mother at an appropriate time to say that it is such a shame that both times for different reasons you haven't felt able properly to celebrate your own pregnancy. Hopefully she would be able to understand and relate to that. You DH could also have a similar word with MIL if he thinks she might respond to that.

GoldFishFingerz · 13/09/2016 21:40

Give it a break. You have no idea how painful infertility is! She's said congratulations. That's enough. Privately she's allowed to have her own feelings. While obviously you should be very happy for yourself.

GoldFishFingerz · 13/09/2016 21:42

If any ones the problem it's your mother in law. She should be supporting both her children without storing up shit.

TallulahTheTiger · 13/09/2016 21:54

icy! Bloody hell! So as OP has become pg easily shes 'diffed' and has to shut up and not say anything plus she doesn't know 'how it'll go' anyway? Yes you are being bloody morbid!

Psycobabble · 13/09/2016 22:17

citizen

I completely agree , I don't understand this sort of thing either with weddings / having Dc etc as if you make massive life changing decisions based on other people .

You can behave in such a way that you do not run someone's nose in it or hurt there feelings of course .

I say this as someone who found out I was pregnant within 2 weeks of my best friend and cousin telling me they were pregnant only for me to go on to have a miscarriage and no sign of any pregnancy since :( I wouldn't dream of them having to step on egg shells around me though

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