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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I stealing her thunder

72 replies

Safarichick · 11/09/2016 20:13

I'm expecting baby number 2, has been a massive shock to me, we were definitely not planning. My DC1 is 13 months and we didn't want a baby until they were about 3.

I've decided I don't want every Tom, Dick and Harry knowing until a few weeks or at least my 12 week scan. I've told my mum and that's it. My DH told his parents today.

Here's the thing...SIL has tried for a baby for 11 years and has never succeeded until now. She is now 22 weeks gone with her first healthy pregnancy, of course everyone is over the moon for her. Mil asked if DH had told his sister yet and he said not yet. When we were saying goodbyes today with in laws mil said in a worried, shaky voice with a bit of a grin on her face 'yeah well you can be the one to tell her'. When I was pregnant last time she slipped into a depression because it was me and Not her, I could understand her pain at the time but it had a bad effect on her parents. But now she's pregnant herself and is over half way so I didn't get why mil was saying things in that tone. To top things off mil didn't even say congratulations, she said most things like you'll have your hands full and asked how far gone I was etc, but not the normal congrats or I'm happy for you escaped her mouth. Fil did say how pleased he was for us.

My mum said we shouldn't tell SIL for another good few weeks as its stealing her thunder. I'm not in a desperate hurry to tell anyone and would rather wAit but DH wants to tell her. What do you think?

OP posts:

MinonsMovie · 11/09/2016 21:20

Wow. I never realised pregnancy was a contest!

I wish I could say the same! This definitely goes on, and I'd even say I understand it a bit.

Sil has sat and watched other people get their pregnancy dream and now she finally has her own.

Everyone is congratulating her and asking about her pregnancy. It's a pain in the arse, but I can imagine after waiting for it so long it's a dream for her.

Now imagine OP comes along and announces the news. Everyone is talking about cousins being born so close together. Being pregnant together... Will they go to school together... On and on about THEIR pregnancies.

Yes it is petty, but is it so hard to imagine those feeling and try to empathise? This woman has had her dream come true, let her savour it for a while before sharing her pregnancy limelight.

MrsSnow · 11/09/2016 21:28

Ok so it took me 10 years of actively ttc/infertility before we had dc last year. While we were going through it I would be hit like an almost grief when I found someone was pregnant including SIL, but you get over it and say congratulations etc.

Once I became pregnant I was so focused on trying to get to end of the pregnancy and having DC I couldn't care less about anyone else. Ignore your mum and MIL. Tell people when you are ready.

Canyouforgiveher · 11/09/2016 21:32

I think your SIL will be fine - because she is far along in her own pregnancy.

I would tell her your news and how thrilled you are that if all goes well with your pregnancy the cousins will be close in age.

LoopiusMaximus · 11/09/2016 21:32

I cannot get my head around the 'stealing thunder' thing. Why do some women get so het up about this type of thing?!

It took dh & I years to conceive our first. I was desperate for a baby and religiously tested every single month for years. I dread to think how much we spent on those pissy sticks.

In all the time we were trying, several close friends, a relative and my closest colleague all became pregnant. I was over the moon for each of them.

When it was finally my turn, I announced the news at work only for another colleague to announce 3 weeks later that she too was expecting. Now, I would've never felt my 'thunder' had been stolen or feel any hurt or upset. How could you? It baffles me! It's what life's all about!

When I announced my news to my ' bestest, bestest, bestest'' friend, I never heard from her again. She cut me out of every aspect of her life. I innocently messaged one day wondering why I hadn't heard from her to be met with a load of abuse and was asked not to contact her.

TheProblemOfSusan · 11/09/2016 21:35

Chiming in with all the 'wait till 12 weeks' ers - that way she gets more time to enjoy on her own and get used to knowing everything's ok after the 20 week scan, but also it won't be too close to her own due date.

You might also make a point of sharing with her first at 12 weeks if you think it would help make her feel special? And you want to do that of course.

StripeyMonkey1 · 11/09/2016 21:37

Some people are competitive, about cars, houses, holidays.. and even it seems about pregnancies! I'd just ignore it if I were you OP and act normally.

It is hard when other people get pregnant easily when you are trying so hard yourself, but that is because it brings your own grief into sharp focus. When you are happily pregnant yourself (finally!) it is a very different matter.

umizoomi · 11/09/2016 21:39

Why is telling her now (when she is 22 weeks) any different to when she is say 25 weeks? I could understand if MIL knew SIL was in early pregnancy with the 'stealing of thunder' but she is over half way?

CharleyDavidson · 11/09/2016 21:39

I had repeated miscarriages. After my third, DSIL came round and apologised. But she was pregnant. I was obviously finding our own situation difficult, but told her not to be soft and I was over the moon for her.

Happily, I got pregnant with DD1 then and had her not long after SIL had her DS.

She will go through the different stages before you, OP. And will have her longed for baby in her arms before you too. Which will probably soften any perceived blow for her.

If you don't tell her at the stage you would have naturally told her it could get really weird and later on she may well wonder why you kept it such a secret for so long.

Lweji · 11/09/2016 21:41

It may also depend on how close you and your OH are to her.

I told a close colleague immediately when I was pregnant, and she was just over 12 weeks, because it just felt weird talking to her about her pregnancy and having to keep quiet (lie). She knew I was trying anyway.

I didn't tell any of my SIL (both expecting at the time) because I rarely saw them.

MinonsMovie · 11/09/2016 21:42

If you don't tell her at the stage you would have naturally told her it could get really weird and later on she may well wonder why you kept it such a secret for so long.

That's also a good point. In hindsight you should maybe have kept it totally quiet as now she actually left out of family information at the moment!

DivorceBadger · 11/09/2016 21:43

^DeathStare Sun 11-Sep-16 20:21:04
I'd wait to tell her. If she's currently 22 weeks she'll have just had a scan and if she's been through infertility she might just be beginning to relax and enjoy her pregnancy. Let her have those few weeks of being the centre of attention and then tell her after your 12 week scan - especially since that suits you anyway.But no you're not "stealing her thunder" and even if you were you didn't do it on purpose^

Agree with this.

SeaEagleFeather · 11/09/2016 21:49

I suspect your MIL was afraid of how your SIL will take it.

Your SIL has tried so very hard for so long unsuccessfully for a baby. She will be on Cloud 9 and utterly over the moon right now. 11 years!

Your second baby is a joy and brightness to your lives, but if you DH can bear to wait I think it might be a real kindness to her. As you say she's over half way and you have every right to announce it but I think if you can both bear it, waiting until the 12 week scan would be considerate.

Mycraneisfixed · 11/09/2016 21:58

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Yes it'll be hard at first but you'll survive. (13 months between my youngest two). Mean of your MIL to put a damper on things. I'm sure your SIL will be delighted for you and far too excited and wrapped up in her own pregnancy to be affected by yours

IntravenousCaffeine · 11/09/2016 21:58

I would start as you mean to go on and don't feel apologetic for your pregnancy or future child.

They will be similar ages and in the same family and if there's an undercurrent of a contest now it will only get worse as they get older.

Nip it in the bud and do what you would usually do and act the way you want to act. Every pregnancy/child is different and there's enough love to go around for everyone.

Don't fall into the background as if you don't deserve your new addition. Having a baby is to be cherished and enjoyed. It's a miracle and it's not to be taken for granted or dampened for the sake of anyone else.

Remember your own little family unit is what's important - what others think in their units is up to them, just don't get involved.

I tend to find those that are unhappy tend to shout the loudest!!

Ps many congratulations. Enjoy every minute.

pfrench · 11/09/2016 22:02

I had a similar situation. My cousin's wife was pregnant for the second time after a very public miscarriage situation a year earlier. I already knew I was going to keep things secret (and did until almost 24 weeks for most people), but I thought it was quite nice that she got to enjoy the attention, and I/we got to have a lovely secret.

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 11/09/2016 22:02

6 miscarriages and infertility I finally get upduffed and then both my cousins and my sister announce their pregnancies.

Do I feel they stole my thunder? Nah. Not one bit. Well OK my sister did announce hers the day DC was born but she has form for that kind of behaviour down to immense insecurity and I just laughed because in all honesty after the 'I've been shagging am pregnant!' announcement no one is really bothered until they can see scan pictures or know the sex anyway.
The others? gawd no. In the years since when all my siblings have had further kids and I'm wondering if I'll have any more. nope no bad feelings.

My Ex SIL did get really pissed off with me when I found out I was pregnant with DC. We had the 'all clear' scan around xmas and I actually held off telling people because it was xmas and didn't want to be that person but ex told his mother who told his sister and I got a torrent of abuse down the phone. It wasn't my fault she was struggling I had struggled too and it wasn't my fault I was finally pregnant. You just can't do right with some people.

Honestly if she does have a problem that is her problem and something she needs to deal with. I've been there. I was angry my other sister had a baby and the baby was taken into care a 2weeks old when I couldn't even stay pregnant but that's how life is. After my few days of 'anger' which tbh was also grief because of a recent miscarriage. You move on. Life can be shit and you either let the shit stuff consume you or you don't.

HanYOLO · 11/09/2016 22:04

If it were me I would want to wait till after 12 weeks (wouldn't have told MIL yet either tbh) BUT I think this is mainly about your DH's relationship with his sister, and he might feel that she needs to know as soon as possible - or rather not to fell that it had been concealed from her.

How far pregnant were you when you announced your first? I think I'd let that be my guide.

bakeoffcake · 11/09/2016 22:04

Wait until 12 weeks to tell her.

As far as your MIL is concerned, I'd give her some slack. She must have venn through so much watching her DD go through years of infertility, she probably doesn't want her dd to get upset about anything at the moment.

mineofuselessinformation · 11/09/2016 22:11

I've been through infertility, and found it very difficult to know someone was pregnant while I was still ttc.
Once I was pregnant though, I was able to just feel happy for anyone else who was pregnant too (I had horrible feelings of jealousy before my pregnancy, I must admit).
Why don't you let your DH decide, but tell him it might be a nice thing to let your SIL know, but ask her to keep it quiet for now? That way, she knows, but is part of 'keeping your secret' too.

PGPsabitch · 11/09/2016 22:17

If the in laws know I wouldn't leave it too long in case one slips. After the anomaly scan I started to enjoy my pregnancy and hearing of others didn't bother me.

For me I was glad the people I knew who were ttc didn't get pregnant until I passed 20 weeks. It wasn't thunder stealing I was worried about but having miscarried and worrying about it in this pregnancy, I was terrified I'd lose another while they were pregnant and not be able to be happy for them.

PurveyorOfMeats · 11/09/2016 22:27

I can relate. My DB and SIL were TTC at the same time as us, theirs DC1 and ours DC3. Except everyone knew they were TTC and no one knew we were. My SIL announced at 7 weeks. When I got pg several months later, I didn't tell ANY of my family until I was about 18 weeks to let her have as much time as possible where all the excitement was directed towards SIL and DB. I was still made slightly to feel like I was stealing their thunder . If I was you I'd wait and enjoy it all for yourself for a while, in case the same happens to you.

ElspethFlashman · 11/09/2016 22:39

I'd wait till her pregnancy is "in the bag". Its still not viable and her anxiety is probably though the roof. I always found that period of "so near and yet so far" to be very stressful. I only relaxed when I knew that a preemie would survive. Hold off a bit.

Loopius why did your friend react so viciously?

Oriunda · 13/09/2016 10:04

Agree with Elspeth. When I finally became pregnant, after 7 years of treatment (and 2 miscarriages along the way) I didn't really start to relax until well past 23 weeks. DH and I didn't even use the words 'baby' to ourselves until our 20 week scan.

My SIL gets pregnant very easily and always tells people the minute she's had it confirmed (so even before 6 weeks). I get incredibly nervous hearing of any pregnancies announced too early (I lost 2 before 9 weeks) and feel very superstitious and don't even want to congratulate people as feel it would bring bad luck.

If you're not at 12 weeks yet you don't really need to announce it so I would hold off. Your DH can't possibly begun to imagine how his sister has been feeling all these years.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 13/09/2016 10:14

You're very considerate Safari, I would tell her when you're 12 weeks gone.
Of course, announce your pregnancy whenever you like. Your husband is obviously proud, and protective of you, both babies are equally precious.
Many congratulations 💐💐

Purplebluebird · 13/09/2016 10:39

I would wait until you tell everyone, 12 weeks or whatever. It doesn't have to be a big deal, telling her :)

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