To not have contact with my sister

[Abloodybigholeintheground]

Not particularly bothered but this situation but would be interested on people's views.

My sister is a couple of years older than me and spend a big chunk of her life as the "career girl", single (being the other woman in numerous affairs!) and living a very different life to me. I had a vocational job, married early, had kids relatively early and became a SAHM on a smallholding.
Sister was quite good with the kids when they were little and used to shower them with gifts etc. Never much use when she came to stay though-expected feeding and housing, never helped etc. Christmas was always at ours despite the fact DH was often working Xmas day, we had animals etc to sort, babies, toddlers etc. She would drink, snooze, eat and not do a lot else!

She met her now DH just before she was 40. They both then would come, stay, be fed, drink sleep etc etc. She did have kids occasionally for "Disney Aunt" weekends-but they were always Friday night to early Sunday morning because they had to get the shopping done etc etc. (They live and work urban and are in shops daily, we live rural). Xmas still always at ours-they would have Xmas eve with his family, and rock up to ours hungover and eat, snooze, drink.....you get the picture!

We are very different people and had less and less in common. She then would start ringing me "what do the kids want for Xmas, B'day etc"-I would say whatever-they are kids. She on a couple of occasions promised them trips out etc for present but 9mths later they still hadn't gone because she was so busy-according to her FB page at parties, or glamping or on holiday (oh the holidays!). Kids began to lose interest in their Aunt (never really got on with their Uncle anyway!) as she would never follow up on promises and didn't do anything with them if they were here.

So now, looking back, we haven't spoken for 2 years! We broke the 14yr Xmas habit by going away, then my parents and Dsis and BIL went away the next year together. She stopped sending even birthday cards for the kids-or even a simple message as they are all on social media etc. We sent Xmas gifts via my parents, send postcards from holiday. But haven't heard anything for 2 yrs! They live about 40mins away from us.

We're not bothered-you don't chose your family and we have always been very different people. The kids aren't bothered although I feel it's a shame as we have no other family but they are all not fazed at all. However my parents are bothered. They say it's a shame we don't communicate, seem to see it is our fault (can't get an explanation as to why or what we did!), seem to see that we should be offering an olive branch-but I don't know what for!!

So AIBU to not be bothered by this petering out of a family relationship? Or should I try and mend bridges for my kids-who equally aren't bothered?!

Reading back seems to focus a lot on presents-not sure why!

It's such a shame for the children that this relationship between you has broken down, as when children get older, having another adult to take them out, make them feel special, do 'lunch' with them is extremely handy.

I agree with everyone, the way you describe her contributions is awful, she sounds like she made a huge effort early on, looked after the children for whole weekends, may not have been hands on with nappy changes early on but that's very hard for someone without children- and then it all stopped.

Her story will no doubt be very different.

If you could find a way forward, it may be worth it, but perhaps she doesn't want to now and is enjoying not hanging out with your family where she is perceived quite unpleasantly.

She then would start ringing me "what do the kids want for Xmas, B'day etc"-I would say whatever-they are kids

I think this probably explains why she stopped sending anything! Why couldn't you have sent her an Amazon list, or thanked her for the stuff and asked for more of the same.

'Whatever' is a deeply passive aggressive reply.

I don't think your sister is bad she seemed to make an effort.. She just had other priorities. On the other hand if you aren't fused, you aren't fussed! It's really not a problem

Whatever' is a deeply passive aggressive reply.

I've seen people get harangued for telling people what to buy. Kids are easy to buy for. If you have space for all their crap and don't mind what they get why would you tell someon why a to buy?

I must admit, I do ask what my nieces and nephews would like just to get over the disappointment they feel if they open a gift that they already have and the inconvenience to the parents of having to return/exchange/regift and find an alternative replacement present.

Others have done the same for mine too and I either suggest a couple of things or say that money in a card is always welcome as they then have holiday spending money of their own to use or can save up for something they want.

Is this not fairly normal practice between family members?

She doesn't sound bad just different priorities to you.

Having DC from fri night until Sunday morning. How lovely. Not good enough for you though, you seem to have had to pick apart her 'shopping preferences' and 'oh the holidays' almost makes you sound a little envious.

Sad that you don't make an effort....

Op how do you know, that she did not have her own problems and issues, did you ask if she was ok? You seemed wrapped up in yourself!

There is nothing wrong with asking what kids want - I prefer people who don't k ow the kids (which includes family members who live far away and only see the kids once a year) ask, as otherwise they spend their money on something the kids will have to pretend to be happy with in order to thank them and that will then gather dust til it goes to the charity shop. I do the same - the older kids get the more you need to actually know them, or have a recommendation, to buy them an actual gift - otherwise an Amazon voucher or cash is better than sending something they potentially already have or that won't be to their taste.

Parents often want their adult siblings to stay in touch and ideally be close entirely because the parents often had more than one child thinking the children would "have each other" when the parents are gone... What we all forget (as parents) is that our children hopefully will form many other significant relationships outside the nuclear family and not need each other - actually that means we have done our jobs better than if the siblings remained reliant on each other as adults IMO!

This is about your parents and their need to see you and your sis as friends OP, not about you, not about your sister. If you make contact it will be to make your parents happy. Its up to you whether or not you do it for that reason, but clearly there is no need for your sake, your kids' sake nor your sister's sake.

Once a year she's a slightly lazy houseguest and do you've cut her off?

You sound jealous.

It seems a bit strange she has just stopped sending gifts to your children.

However I don't see what else she did wrong in the preceding years?

• Disney aunt is the whole point of being an aunt!
• Asking about gifts, well, yes, she doesn't really know your children like you do.
• Lazy houseguest - just ask her to peel the carrots, do some washing up, go out with the kids and feed the animals etc.
• Bad at setting a date to do the promised activities - pin her down!

You lost me at Disney aunt. Wtf did you think aunts were for?

Horrible judgy post. Not surprised she doesn't want anything to do with you.

Tbh you sound jealous, judgemental and a bit of a martyr.

This! Sounds like she is Better of without your judgmental ways. You really don't come across nice here at all. The entire tone of your post is horrible. Sounds like you are a bit jealous of her life, having done a lot more.

hmm tricky one, sounds like you have tried to keep the contact going a bit but she has given up. I have a similar situation with a brother, mum died last year and elder DB and wife keep in touch ( I live 350 miles from my home town where they still live) we ring every month or so. other DB lives a couple hours further away from home town in opposite direction to me so we are miles apart, after mum died they went quiet, turned up to the scattering of the ashes in scruffy jeans and said they couldn't stay, we had all been invited to stay at elder DB home and me and DH did, went out for dinner and made the best of a sad situation. since then I have sent birthday cards with chatty updates, including the fact out eldest DS had got a job and moved up north, no response, rang and left message twice, no response, text to tell them I was going into hospital, got a good luck text but nothing else, no card or any query since to see how I am. I don't know what to do, I am assuming I have upset them in some way but they have not let me know how, other DB has not had contact either. just waiting and wondering what will happen at DS's birthday to see if they send a card to our address which is pointless as he has moved to his own place,and xmas will be another thing too, don't want to get into a place of sending money rather than gifts which is what they did last year. pointless us all sending money to each of the kids. I thought about e mailing to ask whats going on but DH says not to, just wait and see what happens at xmas.

If you don't want to be in touch that's fine and no one should be guilting you into trying to re establish a relationship you don't want to have and didn't feel you got anything out of in the past.
You sound like you found it hurtful that she didn't prioritise her promises to your dc wrt trips and things, or show any interest in them when she was with you all. I probably would too. You sound like you felt used and taken advantage of when she came for Christmas year after year and didn't contribute anything in the way of help.
There is no rule that you have to have a relationship with someone just because you are related to them. Don't feel you must.

why go no contact when what you have is adequate?

Neither of you seems bothered with the other. Neither of you are making an effort.

No one is being abused, leave it as it is and see if it cycles around.

I was wondering whether your sister has been put under pressure by your parents to spend a lot of time with you (every Christmas for 14 years seems a bit much to me!) and also to 'be more like you' (ie settle down, have children).

I think both of you have tried quite hard in your own ways but now need to reevaluate and readjust the relationship as it isn't quite working for either of you. And maybe some time apart is no bad thing.

Op I don't like my sister. Never have. I love her in part but most of the time the part of her I love rarely comes out. I dread seeing her and when I do I hate it. She usually angers me even on our rare conversations. Don't feel bad. I envy people who are close with their sisters. Tbh I think I would prefer to hv bn an only child

She then would start ringing me "what do the kids want for Xmas, B'day etc"-I would say whatever-they are kids.

This was the part I didn't get either.

You are very critical of your sister and indeed, she does sound somewhat selfish. But when she tries to show an interest in your kids and what they would like for xmas/birthdays, you're about as much use as a chocolate fireguard.

I think you just don't like her.

The comment about having affairs with married men gave it away.

So yes, don't have contact with her if you truly can't stand her. Do you talk about her with your parents in the same tone?

Also don't get the "Disney aunt" thing. What are aunts supposed to do? Be surrogate mothers?

I think you've both contributed to this- neither all right or all in the wrong. You are also very different with different priorities.

It sounds like she was a lazy houseguest who should have been more thoughtful and helpful at Christmas. It was also unfair of her to promise trips etc to your children and then not do so. I think not sending cards/birthday wishes etc to your DC's is a bit off too. She sounds a bit selfish and flakey.

On the other hand, it sounds to me like you are pretty judgemental of her lifestyle and her choices- in parts of your post this comes across as a bit petty and bitter, TBH. I wonder if she picked up on this? Frankly I think it's pretty generous to take your nieces/nephews for 2 nights and don't really get your point re her dropping them back Sunday morning. I find your "disney aunt" comment a bit odd, likewise your issue with her asking around what your DCs would like for xmas or birthday. It does sound like she tried with your DC but it appears you think she never did was "right".

As to what should you do- I think I would echo what a PP said about how would you feel if your sister died tomorrow? Would you be devastated and regret the distance that has grown up between you or would you feel sad in the same way you would feel if an acquaintance passed away? If it is the former, I think it may be worth your while to send an olive branch- regardless of where you feel the "fault" lies as sometimes it's more important to be happy than right. If the latter, let things lie as they are.

It takes two. It sounds like you're not that fond of her.

Of course, if you don't want a relationship with your sister, you don't have to have one for the sake of it.

But, for what it's worth, your OP does sound like, for you, your relationship was all about your kids. It's all about what she bought for your kids, what she did for your kids.

I'm guessing that Christmas was always at yours because of your smallholding/kids - she may not have particularly wanted to come to yours every year. It sounds like she could have helped out a bit more but it also sounds like you didn't really ask for any help. To be honest, if my family always had to come to me because my situation didn't allow me to visit them, I would expect to feed and house them, it doesn't feel like that big a deal, just part and parcel of hosting.

Did you ever go and visit her in her "urban" home? Show any interest in her life?

It's up to you regarding a relationship op. I don't see what your sister has done wrong though the not talking to each other is strange, however that's two way.

Have you asked your parents why the blame you? It could be they are trying to convince you both or that you are easier to convince or could think you are in the wrong. In the latter case it would be good for you to know why.

I get it OP, me and my sister are chalk and cheese. She's got the high powered job, I am very happy working part time and focusing on my family.

Have your parents had this conversation with your sister, OP? That would be interesting to know. I am currently low contact with my sister, I suspect if it were not for my parents I would be no contact completely.

Personally, I would offer the olive branch and see how it goes. It sounds like your kids are old enough to make their own decisions about this. Have a go, if she doesn't take it up at least you tried for your parents.