To not have contact with my sister

[Abloodybigholeintheground]

Not particularly bothered but this situation but would be interested on people's views.

My sister is a couple of years older than me and spend a big chunk of her life as the "career girl", single (being the other woman in numerous affairs!) and living a very different life to me. I had a vocational job, married early, had kids relatively early and became a SAHM on a smallholding.
Sister was quite good with the kids when they were little and used to shower them with gifts etc. Never much use when she came to stay though-expected feeding and housing, never helped etc. Christmas was always at ours despite the fact DH was often working Xmas day, we had animals etc to sort, babies, toddlers etc. She would drink, snooze, eat and not do a lot else!

She met her now DH just before she was 40. They both then would come, stay, be fed, drink sleep etc etc. She did have kids occasionally for "Disney Aunt" weekends-but they were always Friday night to early Sunday morning because they had to get the shopping done etc etc. (They live and work urban and are in shops daily, we live rural). Xmas still always at ours-they would have Xmas eve with his family, and rock up to ours hungover and eat, snooze, drink.....you get the picture!

We are very different people and had less and less in common. She then would start ringing me "what do the kids want for Xmas, B'day etc"-I would say whatever-they are kids. She on a couple of occasions promised them trips out etc for present but 9mths later they still hadn't gone because she was so busy-according to her FB page at parties, or glamping or on holiday (oh the holidays!). Kids began to lose interest in their Aunt (never really got on with their Uncle anyway!) as she would never follow up on promises and didn't do anything with them if they were here.

So now, looking back, we haven't spoken for 2 years! We broke the 14yr Xmas habit by going away, then my parents and Dsis and BIL went away the next year together. She stopped sending even birthday cards for the kids-or even a simple message as they are all on social media etc. We sent Xmas gifts via my parents, send postcards from holiday. But haven't heard anything for 2 yrs! They live about 40mins away from us.

We're not bothered-you don't chose your family and we have always been very different people. The kids aren't bothered although I feel it's a shame as we have no other family but they are all not fazed at all. However my parents are bothered. They say it's a shame we don't communicate, seem to see it is our fault (can't get an explanation as to why or what we did!), seem to see that we should be offering an olive branch-but I don't know what for!!

So AIBU to not be bothered by this petering out of a family relationship? Or should I try and mend bridges for my kids-who equally aren't bothered?!

Reading back seems to focus a lot on presents-not sure why!

I agree you do sound very disapproving. What it so wrong with dropping the kids back early Sunday after having them for two nights?? There being shops around is irrelevant, she had them two nights. Bar being a bit of a lazy Christmas house guest I think she sounds nice, treated the kids, asked what to buy them, had them overnight. You sound hard to please I think

I agree with the posters who say that you have no right to expect anything of your sister with regards to child care. I think you had a right to be helped a bit more on Christmas day. (Unless you are one of those people who insist that every tiny task e.g. dish washing is done their way?)

I would try and mend bridges because she hasn't done anything unforgivable. Sounds like she made a big effort initially imo

OP I can understand that you were upset as your sister let your kids down with broken promises. And house guests who expect you to do everything without offering to chip in are also hard work. I don't think you sound entitled.

It seems that she was offended by you choosing to have Christmas without her. I can understand this to a certain extent. You should probably have talked to her years ago about your frustrations.

I can also see that it's upsetting for your parents to see their children don't talk. Are you not prepared to find out what's going on here? You clearly feel resentment so you haven't walked away from this unscathed and might feel better if it's resolved, even if that means you talk and then cut contact again.

You sound bitter, disappointed and very critical of your sister. Maybe she's picked up on your disapproval and has just silently withdrawn to avoid any drama. Families can be unforgiving entities and there's not much love about in them these days, instead, there's shedloads of negativity, envy and anger from what I see around me and the people I know.
Lighten up, send her a text or email or a photograph of the kids and just say you're touching base, how is she etc. If you can, try and be more accepting and less judgemental.

So is ccutting off cutting off your sibling and their dc, from communication, (plus birthday cards/presents for dc) without a word of why, isn't bad behaviour? Isn't hurtful to the op?

She may have dwelled and posted stuff on here, but were has she said she behaved badly towards her Dsis?

You don't sound as if you like her very much. If she stayed with you and expected waited on every Christmas why didn't you say anything at the time?

I can only assume this is a reverse.

"SaucyJack - so Disney Aunt is an offensive term, but "horrible, bitter sister" and "petty" aren't?!"

Well, probably- but that particular comment really got my goat, sorry .It's a complete misappropriation of the term Disney parent. Happy to accept that the OP probably didn't really understand the implications of what she said though.

Ironically, another term for a Disney parent is Uncle Dad.

You know this reads as incredibly judgemental about her life. If you give off that vibe, I'm not suprised she isn't busting a gut to see you.

And do your children ever thank her for presents??
My sister hasn't spoken to me for 4 years, and her kids never thanked me, so I stopped sending stuff!

Op I understand what you mean

Maybe she can feel that, slightly jealous, nasty resentment seeping out of you.
Maybe she's had enough of trying to fit with you and still being judged for her different choices.
Maybe when you went away you offered a blessed relief from the expectation (traditionally based) to visit you at Christmas when you never bothered going to her.
Maybe she got fed up of your ungrateful attitude when she didn't have your kids long enough over the weekends she so kindly took them.

Or maybe it's just life. Carry on as you have without being too bothered if it doesn't upset you.

If she hasn't been in touch for two years, it sounds like she's happy to let the relationship go too so I think it's fine to have no more contact if that's what you both want.

Just be careful that it's not too hard on your parents though, as it would seem selfish to cause them distress when you don't really need to.

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time in here and I think you would have got a different response in Relationships.

It sounds as if you both have very different lives. Maybe she would have liked children and now finds it really difficult to be around your family because it makes her feel sad.

I do think it's a bit shitty of her to offer to do stuff with your kids and then not do it.

I think that you have a chance of reinventing this relationship if you do things differently. How about meeting up away from your place? spend a couple of days with her living the urban life? Or fix up to do something together with the kids eg a Christmas panto so that you are giving her clear direction.

Not all siblings are close so don't feel that you have to be. However one day you will most likely have to care for elderly parents and it will be easier all round when the time comes if your relationship is on an even keel at that time.

Normally I hate it when an op gets an unwarranted hard time but I don't think this one has.

The sister has done nothing other than have the tenacity to chill over Christmas, not have the kids for a WHOLE weekend and live 'urban'

It sounds like you believe the life you've chosen is the right one, all Sound of Music, while your sister's is wrong and you disapprove entirely. My sisters are close but we've never had each other's children for a whole weekend - one night stop overs sure, but we're realistic about everyone needing precious weekend time to themselves too. She asked about presents, as most caring aunts do, and probably picked up on your disinterest in helping her. She may have decided to stop delivering on what you perceive as promises because you didn't show much interest or appreciation (I may be reading wrongly between the lines but that's how your post comes across). There's also an undertone with regard to her partner, your children's uncle. What's the back story there? Do you disapprove also of her choice of partner as well as her lifestyle? Believe me, I can relate to that, so I'm not being accusatory but perhaps she's picked up on the same kind of undertones that pp here have?

We can sometimes kid ourselves that we no longer care about members of our families who for whatever reason we believe have wronged us. But as someone else has suggested, ask yourself how you'd feel if you got a phone call telling you you'd never again have the opportunity to make things right with her?

To be honest you sound resentful and judgemental of her life. I'm sure she's not missing you.

Op you do sound somewhat resentful and a bit jealous. It sounds like she did try to make the effort, having your kids stay, and buying gifts for birthday and Christmas. Her's was a different lifestyle to yours, so how can you possibly expect her to understand! You should have nipped the Christmases in the bud, " we are having a quiet Christmas, but would you like to meet up afterwards" kind of thing earlier. Have you tried to contact her? Have you picked up the phone and called her? Sounds very oneway to me. Give her buzz? see how she is? You made the choice for your lifestyle, she made the choice for hers?

It sounds like you've drifted apart, you yourself are quite happy with the status quo and the only reason you're considering it is because of your parents.

It is a bit of a shame that you and she don't have a closer relationship (half of the effort of a relationship should come from her for heaven's sake) but that's the way it is.

Personally I'd be asking my parents to back off and if you had to, point out that a relationship can't be forced and it has to come from both sides.

(It's not quite the same but my lovely MIL tried hard to get me to go to extended family gatherings which were bloody awful tbh. I gave it a couple of years then said No More; she did try to guilt me into it but I'd tried hard, it was deeply unrewarding and I'd had enough. Your parents have done the best they can but they need to back off and respect you and your sister and not guilt you).

Just a thought - she's in her early forties so maybe she's been trying to have a child herself in the last few years? And she doesn't want to be around happy families?

I think a mixture of what people have said above. I feel you are partly resentful of her life. She's allowed to go on her holidays. She doesn't have to have your kids for the 2 nights and 3 days! You're lucky you had this option and someone willing to take your kids for you. She doesn't seem like a bad person. Maybe a bit lazy on Christmas Day but just as for help! I don't see a problem with just asking people. Yes you may have completely different lives but you seemed to make it work. I'm sure you still love her and I'm certain she loves you. I think you should both make the effort for contact. I think a pp said if she died how would you feel. I think you would take it hard. Life is too short

My sister is the complete opposite to me tbf she is a lot younger she never really bothered with the Dc and would need prompted it was their birthdays would get drunk at christmas not think to help she just lives in her own bubble of working going out etc etc The world does not revolve round our children your sister doesnt have to take them anywhere she has her own life.

I couldn't get past you being aggrieved that she only took them for two weekend nights and all day Saturday! I have two childless sisters, to whom I am v close (though we don't live close) and I would fall over with shock and delight if they offered one overnight. They don't though, they're not that into kids. How entitled can you be to complain about your sister doing this massive favour for you? Though we have only your side of the story, this would make me suspect the fault is more on your side than hers. But to the question, it depends - if neither of you miss each other, then maybe give it a miss getting in contact. Do you/did you ever have affection for her?

I thought the whole point of aunts and uncles was to be the "Disney parent". That's certainly how it works in my family.

And you talk about Christmases like you were some helpless bystander with absolutely no say in who comes to stay and eat and drink in your house. Why were you not able to say "we're not hosting you/anyone this year at Christmas"?

It doesn't seem that you like your sister very much and I can understand it's a shame for your parents bit they'll just have to suck it up.