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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gone right off friend.

37 replies

Unicorn1981 · 10/09/2016 13:23

I'm not sure that's the right title for this but I don't know how to explain it in a shortened version. I'll try. My dp has been friends with this guy, I will call him Mark since they were at primary school. He met this lady who I'll call Lauren and straight away she was really over familiar with me. I liked her but she is younger than me and quite immature. They got married and he was best man. She made me bridesmaid. The two other bridesmaids were her closest friend and her sister. She was meant to order my bridesmaid dress from abroad but it never turned up. I was meant to pay for it on the proviso we could wear whatever we wanted but it really needed to match the others. Coming up to the wedding she admitted she thought she'd made a mistake and not ordered it so I had to go out to oxford street and buy the closest looking dress I could find costing me 85 quid! It has never been worn again so it irritated me spending all that money! Fast forward she has a baby. I lent her baby clothes I've never seen again as she passed them onto all get friends I thought at least they'll get used but I did find it annoying. The thing is everything you have done, every experience, illness anything that has happened she has done it, had it worn the t shirt a million times more or better than you have. When she discovered she was pregnant again she confided it was too soon she wasn't massively happy all the time she knew I was also trying and struggling and this really upset me. I have a condition which means it's challenging for me to get pregnant. She also says she has a similar thing yet she is getting pregnant then complaining about it! Her husband is a bit of a cheat too. Dp thinks I'm being unreasonable and can't understand why I dislike her so much. I agree that I have probably fixated a bit because I am a little bit jealous but my other friends are on second children and I'm really happy for them. I think i just can't stomach the woe is me attitude. I'd just like to see if I can try to change the way I am. DP is out buying a present for the new baby and he can't understand why I don't want anything to do with it. I don't want to be a bitch or anything but I'm struggling.

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 10/09/2016 13:38

I'm having a bit of a difficult time reading a block of text, so bear with me.

I think you are being unreasonable. As I have read it, she's instantly tried to be friendly with you, to the point of being a big part of their wedding. Ok, the dress thing sounds very irritating, no one made you go to Oxford street though!

You can be happy for other friends but you can't even be bothered congratulating her on her second child? I can understand you're having a tough time, but that's no way to treat a friend. You say 'her husband is a bit of a cheat too', where is the support? I actually feel quite sorry for her, sounds like she doesn't have any real support.

Actually, reading all that back, is this a reverse?

rollonthesummer · 10/09/2016 13:42

I'm a bit confused. What are you jealous about exactly? The fact that she has a baby?

Starryeyed16 · 10/09/2016 13:42

It was very difficult to read op, you sounds very bitter towards this lady, who lends someone baby clothes and expects them back! Gosh I have designer dresses to my SIL I don't expect them back she can pass them on to the next person.

Things might be hard but either your her friend or you're just not.

Paulat2112 · 10/09/2016 13:46

I don't think you are her friend.

Original poster
Unicorn1981 · 10/09/2016 13:52

Hmm sorry I may not have explained that very well. I felt like she asked me to be bridesmaid because my dp was best man then 'forgot' to order the dress so I had to rush out and get one. Who asks someone to be bridesmaid then expects them to buy their own dress. I didn't massively expect the baby clothes back but she passed them on to people i didn't know. I did feel pleased they had helped out others but I'd rather have passed them on to other friends. dp gets annoyed at his mate cheating on her because obviously that puts him in a position. It's just the highly insensitive nature of her knowing about my difficulties then saying oh I'm pregnant and I have the same problem as you but I am going to tell you I'm not massively happy about it and not sure I want the baby. I just can't get past her feeling she can say that to me. And if you tell her about something she has been there and done that. Apparently she nearly died when she was born, has a heart condition, the same problems as me, deaf in one ear the list goes on. I don't want to be unsupportive and I want to understand why I'm feeling this way as I don't feel like this about anyone else.

OP posts:
thecatsarecrazy · 10/09/2016 13:53

If you give something to someone yes sure that's for them to keep. If I lent someone my carpet shampooer for e.g I would expect it back.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/09/2016 13:56

Are you trying to say she's a bit of a drama queen? Spotlight always has to be on her?

Original poster
Unicorn1981 · 10/09/2016 13:58

Yes I think I am. Reading my op back I do sound a bit bitter but that isn't my intention. I want to get on with her as my dp is her dh's best friend and I'm trying to work out how I should feel. He thinks I'm bu.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 10/09/2016 13:58

You don't have to like someone, or want to spend time and resources supporting them, just because they're now married to someone who went to school with your DP Smile.

Could you just avoid her? Are you expected to spend a lot of time socialising with her?

SaucyJack · 10/09/2016 13:59

X-post!

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/09/2016 14:12

You don't HAVE to like her just because she's your DP's best mate's wife.

And to be honest, people who go straight to 'you're my bezzie mate', bypassing the getting-to-know-you stage really really put me off. it's so false. And then the 'Elevenerife syndrome' (f you've been to Tenerife, she's been to Elevenerife) to boot - nah, I can't be arsed listening to that shit. Because it means that any conversation you have with them is fantasy. You never get to know them because the real them is hidden under a thick layer of lies and exaggerations. They remain strangers to you even if you've moved in the same circle for years.

" I'd just like to see if I can try to change the way I am. ... I don't want to be a bitch or anything but I'm struggling."
You're not being a bitch. You don't need to change. Why do you think you have to change? Because your DP wants you to be bezzies with his bezzie? His friend is an adulterer whose behaviour makes your DP feel uncomfortable, I think keeping this couple at arm's length is the way to go.

StartledByHisFurryShorts · 10/09/2016 14:16

You were being U about the baby clothes. Its a pain in the arse to be lent rather than given clothes. How are you meant to keep track of what's what. And you were OK with her giving them away as long as it was someone pre approved by you?

Do you already have children? I'm guessing you do because of the baby clothes. So maybe that's why she was less sensitive about her pregnancy than she would have been if you were childless and ttc.

Anyway, it all sounds very petty. Don't hang out with her if you don't like her.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 10/09/2016 14:18

She's a bit of a Story Topper, isn't she?

I've known a few and it's really fucking annoying!!

I think that when you lend someone baby clothes you need to specify what you want to happen with them afterwards, e.g. "when you've finished with them/if there are any you don't like, I'd appreciate it if you let me have them back/gave them to charity/forward them on to anyone who might need them, thanks."

If you say nothing, you can't complain about what they do do.

Why would you want to change the way you are? There are lots of people I like, there are lots I don't like. I wouldn't pretend to like someone I didn't because someone else wanted me to like them, or thought I should.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/09/2016 14:21

I agree with you op, she sounds very irritating, those niggly things add up to one big thing. I would distance myself from her. I think that you diden't really want to be her friend, but got caught up.

Olympiathequeen · 10/09/2016 14:24

You can't like everyone, so don't worry about her. If your dh is seeing them as a couple and you are expected to go, go and socialise, but don't add coffee mornings and suchlike. Just avoid making arrangements to see her and see other friends instead.

SideEye · 10/09/2016 14:33

Story Toppers are the pits.

I worked with one. If you were humming a tune, she would have had backstage passes to see him in concert or gone out with him. If you yawned, she'd have been on medication for narcolpsy. If you'd planned a beach holiday to Spain, she'd been to every beach in Hawaii.

Nobody had ever done anything that she hadn't either won an award for or got a degree in. She topped everything.

If she's anything like that YANBU.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 10/09/2016 14:37

You could have said no to being a bridesmaid

You could have said no to buying your own dress.

You didn't need to go to oxford street.

You didn't need to give her all your baby clothes

You don't just 'cheat a bit' - are you saying her husband is cheating on here and your pissed off because she is a bit of a story topper?

You sound jealous, maybe your too involved in her life and need to back away

Emergencyigloo · 10/09/2016 14:41

I think the clue is in the inviting you to be her bridesmaid bit.

Having suffered a couple of years of online bullying by my ex and my own sister, the thing I've learnt that they both have in common and reminds of this person you talk about OP, is that she probably doesn't have any friends at all, and struggles to make friends (hence her making you an instant bezzie), along with the exaggerated stories and constant 'life is so amazing'.

Life isn't amazing for them, they're so invested in their own fantasies because it makes up for the utter emptiness or unhappiness they're actually wading through.

You say her husband has cheated on her - perhaps she knows this, and is desperately unhappy about it. It would only take a few choice and sensitive conversations for you to figure out if she knows. If she wanted to confide in you about it, perhaps that would be the start of a proper, genuine, and honest friendship between you both.

Meanwhile, she's going through something, whatever it is, it's making her like she is. And making you unhappy, so it's not a genuine friendship if neither of you can reach a level where you truly connect.

Disclaimer: I don't have a single adult friend, so I may be talking complete nonsense. I'd love a friend, but I keep attracting people like my ex and my sister, so I've given up Blush

bluebeck · 10/09/2016 14:47

It sounds like YABU although of course you cannot like everyone. Are you a little jealous of her?

Your post says you "lent" her baby clothes. If this was the case then she should indeed have given them back to you. Later on you say you had no problem with her giving them to other people but you wanted to control who they were given to?

ScrambledSmegs · 10/09/2016 14:56

So you don't like her? That's ok. You can't like everyone.

The 'reasons' you don't like her sound unfair though your DP also can't force you to like her.

HeyNannyNanny · 10/09/2016 15:14

I'm sorry you are having problems conceiving, OP. That must be incredibly difficult Flowers

However I still think YABU.

Whilst it must be immensely difficult for you to hear about other people's pregnancies as you struggle yourself, it seems harsh to expect people to not talk about these things with you.

This woman sounds like she views you as a close friend and is looking for support.

Her husband also sounds like a wanker but thats another topic.

Regarding the bridesmaid dress, I'm not sure buying your own is that unusual (?) though not ideal, obviously.

Sounds like she thought you GAVE her the baby clothes and not LENT. It is far more usual to give baby clothes than lend them so I don't think this is a big deal.

FurryLippedSquid · 10/09/2016 15:20

YANBU. Writing out a post does not explain everything that is going on, so I can imagine that this person is invading your life in some way. I can completely get how sad/jealous you feel not being able to get a second DC conceived. This happened to me. I had struggled with the first one but then found everyone else was having a second and I couldn't. It was more than painful. I could barely say 'congratulations' to dear friends who were pregnant, or look at babies in the street. Irrational, I know, but unless you have been through it you cannot understand.

I have also had people around me who I think are 'friends' but they are not in fact my friend. A friend is someone who makes you feel better and happier when you are with them. I developed a way of blocking these women (there were two of them) out of my life. I wasn't rude, I wasn't unkind; I just became distant. Utterly charming, responded to all their texts, was often unavailable if they wanted to meet up, never gave them any reason to think bad of me, but it was like I was stepping backwards away from them. You do find toxic people in your life, but you must recognise them, and recognise how they are making you feel and learn to put up protective barriers so that you set some distance between yourself and them.

Don't tell her your problems, or any of your news for that matter. It won't help if DP is telling his mate (her DH) your private news, so ask him not to and tell him why. Ask for his support. He should be more loyal to you than to Mark. Unfollow her on Facebook and any other social media so that you don't see her feed and generally take steps to very, very gradually remove her from your life. When you post something, exclude her from the recipient list (see Facebook settings). Be distant when you are with her. Find another friend to do things with.

I completely get where you are coming from and I feel your pain.

pussinasda · 10/09/2016 15:21

is she alot younger than you, shes trying too hard to impress you because your dps are best mates she wants to get on.
if you thought she only asked you to be bridesmaid because of your dps than you could of told her she doesnt need to ask you to be bm out of politeness.
the baby clothes, why would you expect them back
the lies well as i said earlier she trying too hard to get you to like her
she might not be happy about being pregnant especially if she suspects her dh of cheating
give her a break, shes only trying to be nice

MissElizaBennettsBookmark · 10/09/2016 15:25

YANBU. She sounds a complete PITA...

CapricornCalling · 10/09/2016 15:27

YANBU, OP - and I do sympathise. I think you were reluctantly dragged into this 'friendship' and don't owe her anything.