to not help her?

[DorothyL]

Last year a colleague covered some hours at work for me (just a couple) so I could see my son's assembly at school. She has now asked me to return the favour but I have said no because it would mean I couldn't pick ds up from school and would have to ask dh to take time off to collect ds. Ds had sn which is why I can't just ask a friend to collect him. My colleague seems a bit put out and I have apologised, but I was hoping she'd be more understanding? I would happily help if I could do it without it affecting ds.

[DorothyL]

No I haven't spoken to dh

[CaptainSnort]

The rules of asking a favour:

1. you ask (not demand) - the answer may be no.
   
2. if someone does you a favour it's nice to do one back - but only if it's convienent - you are not their slave just because you owe them one.
   
   When I ask my friend to babysit I don't get all stroppy on her because she's already doing something that night. I will ask someone else, and try her again the next time I need one.

[DorothyL]

Thank you Captain that sounds more like it

[DorothyL]

Ds struggles with me working and gets very upset about it so a large part of it is not having the heart to tell him that he's losing a Friday afternoon with me

[LatinForTelly]

I don't think you're being unreasonable, OP. If I did a friend, or colleague, a favour and I knew that they had more difficult than average circumstances, I would not expect my favour returned at any cost! In fact I probably wouldn't expect it returned at all.

Try and talk to her, and if she's half reasonable, she should see the difference.

[EttaJ]

livia spot on!

YABU and rude. You state it's not a big deal that she did that for you.It was at the time. Selfish and you know it .

[DorothyL]

Last year was misleading - it was last academic year, June

[Minisoksmakehardwork]

So you are slightly more reasonable than she is with regards to notice period given for favour. Although I'm surprised you were given so much. Everyone I know has their special assemblies dropped on them. We have ours weekly.

The way I always see it is I might ask for a favour and I can accept the answer might be no. But where I can I will do favours for people. It's kind of a pot of karma. By doing favours for people which are no trouble to me, I am ensuring if I need to ask for help then my karma pot should have return favours banked. I might not be asking the same person for a favour, but at some point in the unspecified future, I can guarantee that I will be helping that person.

Given you have a particular set of circumstances you do need to be clear about your ability to return assistance when asked. And please do apologise for not being able to return a favour with (for you) little notice, maybe even offer a selection of dates when you can. And consider on future that you might have to do a favour first to be able to ask one.

[Minisoksmakehardwork]

Although adding in it was only June does put me in a quandary re time again. She would only have had maybe 4 weeks max to ask a return favour then. And you've not been back at school all that long unless you're in Scotland, so she wouldn't have had the ability to ask a favour unless she had your personal contact details.

[DorothyL]

I have certainly apologised profusely yo her

[SusieGreen]

I didn't know granting favours were decided on their worthiness and measured against previous ones. God forbid you end up doing anything your deem to be more.

You sound selfish OP and not necessarily because you won't do this favour. Its for the above and the fact that not an ounce of your being feels bad. You simply don't see the favours as comparing so really, how dare she ask something so trivial of your precious time.
I'm pretty sure this won't go unnoticed by your colleagues and I'm wondering if you have form on this already?

[TheRealKimmySchmidt63]

YANBU you don't give to receive just because she did you a favour does not mean you have to reciprocate st any cost - she asked its not viable - sure she's not bothered it's the email enjoy your time with your son you have your priorities right why should your whole family be disrupted I'm sure your colleague had other colleagues to ask

[DorothyL]

Susie I have said I feel guilty and that I've apologised, how is that not an ounce feeling bad?

[Brentlicious]

Why can't the MIL collect him?
What would happen if you were really sick and couldn't collect him?
I think you at being staggeringly tunnel-visioned about this.
And VVU.

[danTDM]

Yes, YABU.

[DorothyL]

Mil would have to give up usual Friday plans

[BombadierFritz]

perhaps dont ask for favours in future? its not going to do much for your school reputation.

[user1473282350]

You are actually just making every excuse to not help her.

If you don't want to do it, just say I don't want to do this.

And accept you're being unreasonable, you've apologised, you are not going to be able to rely on her for favours in the future and move on.

[ICantFindAFreeNickName2]

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Just because someone did you a favour doesn't mean you are obliged to repay the favour, at great inconvenience to yourself or family. You can't just drop everything in your life to repay the favour. I would suggest you try talking to you colleague in person and saying how sorry you are & that hopefully you could help her out another time.
I would love to know what jobs you & your husbands all have where you are able to leave in time to collect a child from school, when it's not an emergency.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

It's really all about you isn't it? If you weren't prepared to do a favour in the future (other than ones which are on your 'approved list') then you should have made it clear and either made your own arrangements or given her a gift to say thanks.

[TyneTeas]

I think you are getting a hard time OP.

Yes, she did you a favour, but there should be proportion to its reciprocation.

And unless there was an explicit agreement of how and when the favour was to be returned, you did not commit to or guarantee availability for anything anytime unconditionally until repaid.

She INBU to be disappointed if you can't but I don't think you ABU if you can't accommodate this request.

[SallyMcgally]

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I might have been a little taken aback, but would have probably realised that it's a much bigger deal to ask someone to give up a free afternoon than to sit with sixth formers when you're in school anyway. You've apologised profusely. Maybe it would be kind to try and seek out ways of helping her out that are more manageable or, if you really feel bad, give her a bottle of wine, say you wish you could have managed it, but it's just too stressful for your boy.
Then stop worrying. You've had some pretty harsh responses here. If I were your colleague I'd feel dreadful to demand a return of a favour that asked so much more of you and of your son.