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AIBU?

to not help her?

376 replies

DorothyL · 09/09/2016 22:41

Last year a colleague covered some hours at work for me (just a couple) so I could see my son's assembly at school. She has now asked me to return the favour but I have said no because it would mean I couldn't pick ds up from school and would have to ask dh to take time off to collect ds. Ds had sn which is why I can't just ask a friend to collect him. My colleague seems a bit put out and I have apologised, but I was hoping she'd be more understanding? I would happily help if I could do it without it affecting ds.

OP posts:

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LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 09/09/2016 23:17

And what she would have been doing otherwise is nothing to do with you.

This is what can cause bad feeling between parents and non parents in the workplace, sadly.

Biffsboys · 09/09/2016 23:18

Why are you asking AIBU when you're convinced you're not ??

user1473106504 · 09/09/2016 23:19

i understand why you cannot do it but as others have said you are burning a bridge here, she wont ever do it again and you most likely will need her to one day

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 09/09/2016 23:19

And even if she knows your DS has SN, then you should have made it clear that you had no intention of returning the favour so that she knew where she stood.

I can see by your replies that you aren't going to take on board that you are being unreasonable so I'm unsure why you would ask

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 09/09/2016 23:21

Why can't your DH take time off? Oh apart from the fact that his time is obviously far more important than hers?

Headofthehive55 · 09/09/2016 23:22

I agree it affects your DH not your DS. Think of it as your DH having to take time off to enable you to see the assembly. I had one with sn. If one had to be somewhere the other had to be there with the child.

SandyY2K · 09/09/2016 23:22

One thing I'd say is that whilst you say she didn't put herself out that much to help you out .... what would you have done if she refused? You couldn't have left those students alone could you?

Sometimes a favour is what it's worth to you and not how inconvenient it is for the other person.

It's like if I give someone a lift home and they have the attitude of ... well you were driving that way anyway ... so it's no big deal. Well if they would have had to get the bus and wait in the dark or if I've saved them the taxi fare. then I've actually done them a big favour.

Have you explained to her that you have to pick your child up and that's why you can't help?

DorothyL · 09/09/2016 23:22

I have said that I understand II'm burning a bridge but I can't help feeling I have no choice.

Dh already taking leave next week one afternoon because MIL can't pick up ds, he can't ask for more

OP posts:

Planty18 · 09/09/2016 23:23

So you haven't had a conversation then, this is just over email? The favours aren't comparable at all because of the time of day and your commitments to your son, so yanbu. Have you decided she is put out because she hasn't replied or have you spoken to her? Just if it's by email tone can be misleading. She may be understanding. When you see her in person you could mention it and explain again and say if there's ever anything you can do within school hours do let you know.

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 09/09/2016 23:24

You do the right thing: you return the favour. Simple.

DorothyL · 09/09/2016 23:24

Yes I have explained Y2K

OP posts:

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 09/09/2016 23:25

I think he may have to take more time off in the future if that is your attitude to people who help you out

DorothyL · 09/09/2016 23:25

You're right Planty hopefully I just misinterpreted the email convo because I do feel guilty

OP posts:

jcalel80 · 09/09/2016 23:28

The op didn't say she can't ever return the favour just that this time is not convenient .surely we have all had to turn down requests at some point or other ? There will problem be plenty of other convenient opportunities for the op to help others without upsetting her son's routine and making her husband take time off and who knows maybe having to find cover of his own ?

FrancisCrawford · 09/09/2016 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 09/09/2016 23:32

If you won't put yourself or your DH out for her then that is fine but you should have made the conditions clear to her that you wouldn't do anything outside of certain criteria and nothing that involved more effort than you perceived she had put in.

PepsiPenguin · 09/09/2016 23:32

I really don't think your selfish OP.

Your colleague sat in on a class a year ago for a couple of hours she didn't give you a kidney ffs, it's not like you don't have a good reason nor have you asked her to do it regularly from what you have said.

Im surprised so many posters would be happy for their husbands/partners to use their annual leave/not get paid in order to pick up their child so that they could cover a colleague for a few hours.

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 09/09/2016 23:34

Why is this all about you? You are feeling guilty etc. etc. And as others have said, why even ask people here what they think if you have already you are not going to do what you should do? I can totally understand why she is very annoyed with you.

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 09/09/2016 23:35

...you have already decided...

MardyGrave · 09/09/2016 23:36

Bad form in my book.

I hope she makes other colleagues aware.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 09/09/2016 23:37

But the OP going to an assembly isn't life or death either! I know a few teachers and unfortunately they end up missing out on this kind of thing. It's part of the shit that goes with the job.

OP - I'm guessing there will be other events in future, perhaps you and your DH should sort things out instead of taking the piss out of other people who are kind enough to help.

CaptainSnort · 09/09/2016 23:37

It's fine. There's loads of reasons why you couldn't help on that day - people have busy lives and stuff booked in, there could have been any number of reasons why you couldn't stay i.e. doctors appointment.

I would have just said I can't this time but happy to help out in future, if possible.

Also I don't think people realise how difficult it is when you work and have kids with SN. It's next to impossible to find suitable childcare, and sometimes the stress it causes the child means it's just not worth it even if you find it.

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DorothyL · 09/09/2016 23:38

On the flipside Livia, if somebody had asked a favour of me I would be sure to ask for sth in return that is equivalent or less, especially if I knew that they had genuine reasons to struggle to return the favour

OP posts:

george1020 · 09/09/2016 23:39

You should feel guilty TBH. The right thing is to return the favour you Abu. Your DH should leave early and pick son up. It sounds even worse as you did know you wouldn't be returning the favour but still asked your college for one anyway.

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/09/2016 23:39

From what you have explained you would be in school anyway (non contact time) taking her class last period on a Friday.

I don't see how this would differ from the time that you would usually leave school to pick up your DC.

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