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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL being a bad guest?

80 replies

JadeFeather · 09/09/2016 13:43

Have invited my MIL over for a late afternoon tea tomorrow to my new house with her sister who is visiting for abroad. Told her today what we were planning to serve (as she told me she has been invited to a dinner after) in case we needed to change it because of the dinner plans. Was planning a nice big tea as they were going for a long walk after brunch and hadn't had any dinner plans before. She started complaining that it's too rich (in general not in light of the dinner) and said "none of us would ever eat that stuff" etc. Feel really bad. If I hadn't told her I'm sure she would have come here and complained about it. I've never had guests who tell the host what they should serve. Isn't that really rude? We have always been told to be grateful for what we get and if it's too much then surely they could just eat smaller portions. I think it upsets me a lot because I lived with her for a few months and whenever I would cook she would complain about how it didn't meet one of her and her husbands thousands of dietary requirements (which she makes up herself and are not based on anything other than personal preferences and myths she has heard eg she doesn't eat tomatoes because someone told her she shouldn't for some reason or the other). I've had guests who are vegeatrians, have allergies etc and they let me know beforehand and that's not an issue. With my MIL its impossible to ever please her. Luckily I lived abroad for about a year. Now I'm back I feel so stressed thinking about how I will deal with having her over.

OP posts:

rosesarered9 · 09/09/2016 22:22

Or just serve tea. After all you did invite her over for tea.

confuugled1 · 09/09/2016 22:24

She sounds attention seeking and controlling...

I'd nip it in the bud by saying 'I know I can't ever cook anything right for you MIL but I'd like to try - I know you don't like [insert very long list of what she doesn't like] which is what everybody else in the family and my friends would all love to eat. So what is it that you like to eat so that I can at least try to get something there's a chance you'll like, although I'm sure that you'll still complain as that's when you're happiest and you like to put me in my place?'

That way you can still do whatever you want for everyone else and just get her a portion of whatever she specifies. THen when she claims that it's also wrong, it means that you can just hand her a slice of toast when she next comes as she complains about the stuff she is supposed to like too...

2rebecca · 09/09/2016 22:32

I really don't think she is being hard to please here. If you wanted her to come for dinner or high tea you should have made that clear at the time. She is going straight from your house to someone else's for dinner. I think she is making things easy for you not difficult by making it clear that they won't want loads of food just your company ( but accept she could have said that). It would be rude of her to turn up for her dinner appointment and not eat it because she had been polite and eaten your over enthusiastic mid afternoon meal.

kittykittykitty5 · 09/09/2016 22:39

It is a game you will never win unfortunately.

The trick is not to engage and draw the boundary to suit you not her. So, if i was in your shoes, I would perhaps serve a choice of two cakes and some tea.

I was in a similar situation in the early 90s, and believe me you can mentally exhaust yourself with their batshittery. Their behaviour is deliberate and they know full well what they are doing..

JaniceBattersby · 09/09/2016 22:47

Please get loads of absolutely delicious looking cakes, some lovely coffee and some cream. Then serve them up for yourself and MIL's guest and hand MIL a ryvita and a glass of water.

Then take a pic of her face and post it here,

Original poster

JadeFeather · 09/09/2016 22:57

I don't understand this behavior. She's rude about two things with me - gifts and food. With the gifts whenever I give her something she immediately asks if I have the receipt and if it can be returned. I can't think of a time where I gave her something and she didn't do that. With food its ongoing complaints about whatever I make. Otherwise she's ok with me so this stuff is confusing. I've stopped buying anything for her now so haven't had any issues with the gift thing for some time. The food thing continues!

OP posts:

Ragwort · 09/09/2016 23:04

What does your DH say about her, she does sound very hard work.

I wouldn't bother to invite her to your house, if you have to meet suggest she recommends where you meet so she can be happy with the food arrangements.

Or let your DH prepare the meal - would she criticise his cooking or is it you as a DIL that she wants to criticise?

I dread being a MIL - it seems to be a relationship fraught with difficulties.

MerylPeril · 09/09/2016 23:04

You won't ever satisfy her or make her happy for whatever reason she has decided.

Do what I did - MIL used to tell me in the kitchen that the food looked disgusting, inedible etc - or it was all wrong/inappropriate

In front of DH she would be all praise, I smiled, I served up and said 'fuck you' in my head

Didn't achieve/change anything but always made me feel better!

Original poster

JadeFeather · 09/09/2016 23:15

DH doesn't know what to make off it. He hasn't seen this side of her except with me. The only person who gets it is her other sons wife. She gets similar passive aggressive type behaviour with her cooking (not with gifts- MIL loves her gifts and doesn't tire of telling me) and also with how she raises her kids (I don't have kids yet!)
Good point about getting DH to cook in the future if I do have her over. Pretty much everything he cooks has some form of red meat -steak, fajitas, lasagna etc but they're always ok to eat it when he makes it and compliment his food.

OP posts:

OTheHugeManatee · 09/09/2016 23:22

Ignore her, and yes get your DH to cook when she comes over. YANBU - she is being incredibly rude and a bad guest.

QuackDuckQuack · 09/09/2016 23:32

Do you give her the receipts for the presents? If she does then only buy her things you'd like for yourself and when she asks after the receipt say, 'oh, that's ok, I like it so I'll just keep it for myself'. So being rude about a gift = no gift.

Spring2016 · 09/09/2016 23:34

Serve what you want if you do not care about what your guests can digest or enjoy. If you do care, brainstorm a menu together next time. Or word the invitation for example "I am making a bla nla blah for tea/dinner, if you would like to join us you are more than welcome). Hope this sounds like sensible advice and not criticism, well, I guess it is constructive criticism.

CoraPirbright · 09/09/2016 23:54

God she sounds like hard work!

I would have a long chart

CoraPirbright · 09/09/2016 23:57

Whoops posted too soon - I would have a chart printed out & blu-tacked ostentatiously to the wall in the kitchen detailing what she won't eat and, in another column, the given reason why. You can say it's for you to consult on her visits but really it's so that there, in black and white, the world can see what an unreasonable cow she is!

Optimist1 · 10/09/2016 00:23

From now on when inviting her over ask her what sort of food she would like. Ditto presents. If she starts listing unacceptable things, pick her up on it and remind her that you don't need to know all the things it shouldn't be, just some positive suggestions.

Of course, you do run the risk of her asking for impossibly complicated catering or excessively expensive gifts but it might be worth a try!

Liiinoo · 10/09/2016 01:02

Your MIL is VU. This really struck a chord with me. I am in our country of origin visiting family. I am a very light eater, I dislike cake and I never drink tea or coffee but for the last three days I have visited house after house and have had tea/cake/coffee/sandwiches/pastries etc etc at every single house. It is a nightmare and I am currently bolt upright in bed with indigestion but I would rather spend a few days squishing in things I dislike than risk hurting the feelings of my lovely and elderly relations by rejecting their hospitality. I have also drunk warm, sweet white wine - so not me!

I cannot wait to get home and eat a poached egg on toast and drink a nice cold G&T.

Blu · 10/09/2016 07:55

Cater for her sister.
If I had been on a long walk, and was going for dinner, I would appreciate something, and would actually prefer small sandwiches than a wedge of cake.
Offer what you have, if you already bought it, cut in modest portions if it is cake, some small sandwiches, all fine.

It will be interesting to see how she behaves with her sister there, her sister will hopefully behave like a normal person and be appreciative and gracious.

If your DH has noted her behavioir towards you, I think he should say something. Tell her she is being very rude to you and ask her why!

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 10/09/2016 08:29

This is going off piste a bit (and reflects a previous thread about a family member who is 'over-polite') but here goes - my poor old MIL insists that she doesn't want to be a 'bother' to anyone. The difficulty lies in her not accepting help due to her infirmities which makes her more of a bother instead.

rollonthesummer · 10/09/2016 08:58

Does your DH see what you see-or he's at least supportive and doesn't think you're making it up?

Hopefully he does, as that's a good start.

He needs to take over the cooking when she comes 'wife does everything normally but as you're such a picky cow, mum-I'm cooking from now on etc'.

He can buy her presents too...!

2kids2dogsnosense · 10/09/2016 09:05

Jessbow I am a lady, and I certainly never f*rt (Though oddly enough, I am often sitting right next to a dog that trumps away like billy-o! Extraordinary co-incidence, don't you think?)

2kids2dogsnosense · 10/09/2016 09:07

jadefeather whenever I give her something she immediately asks if I have the receipt and if it can be returned.

Stick a fiver in a card. Miserable witch!

2kids2dogsnosense · 10/09/2016 09:11

jadefeather Tell her her darling son has cooked the meal, and then, when she "oohs" and "ahas" and says it's the best screen she's ever tasted etc, leap to your feet and shout "IT WAS ME! I COOKED IT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."

(My mother used to do something like this - I don't like apricots, so she would give me peach crumble, which I would eat and (politely0say "Thank you that was lovely" and then I got the whole "SEE YOU DO LIKE APRICOTS." spiel. Drove me crackers .. . )

2kids2dogsnosense · 10/09/2016 09:11

Cora LOVE the chart idea!

WicksEnd · 10/09/2016 10:14

Serve her devils food cake

dowhatnow · 10/09/2016 10:45

Don't worry about it. She's probably only doing it to get a reaction. Don't react. Do what you want to do then just say "oh dear" when she moans.

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