Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at friend's reaction to my date news

58 replies

user1473410133 · 09/09/2016 09:49

Hi folks,
would like others opinions on this. I've been single for 6 years, and have not been dating in that time. mostly due to lack of confidence - i was very seriously overweight and had no self-esteem. i've now lost a lot of weight (5 stone) but have a few stone yet to go. however, i'm feeling way better and am much happier in myself, but would be still a little slow in approaching men. Anyway, a colleague of mine has set me up on a blind date for this weekend. the guy has phoned and texted me and seems lovely. we're going for dinner and drinks tomorrow. he lived about a 30 min drive away from me, and hes coming up to my town for the date. he told my colleague (the girl who set us up) that he'd book a hotel in my town for the night so that he could have a few drinks, as he'd find it hard go on a blind date without a drink or two, and he's too far away to get a taxi home. he didn't mention this to me at all. i was telling a friend of mine about the date etc and said that he was booking the hotel for himself and explained why, and her response was "be careful, i bet he'll want to get his money's worth out of the night". AIBU to be really annoyed by this? firstly, i think he has very legitimate reasons for booking the hotel, i don't think it makes him seem like a lech at all. secondly, i'm a big girl and can take care of myself, and for all she knows i might be perfectly happy to hop into bed with him at the end of the night, who knows?! i just felt that she could have been encouraging and supportive rather than critial and cynical like that. she knows this is my first date in years.
what do others think??

OP posts:

Lessthanaballpark · 09/09/2016 10:36

I agree with you OP. Yes of course your friend is looking out for you but at the same time she is making some pretty cynical and regressive assumptions:

that you're not paying for yourself

that your date (who you're hoping to be a good'un) sees dating as a transaction where men give money in return for sex.

-that women have no interest in sex for themselves and only give it in return for something.

However your friend may not mean those things herself. The sexism is built into the language of certain stockphrases and she probably isn't thinking that deeply about it.

So have a great time and make sure that if you both pay halves you both get to orgasm

Original poster

user1473410133 · 09/09/2016 10:38

"I find it peculiar he's booked a hotel. He lives a 30 minute drive away from you, and he is meeting you in your "town". 30 minutes isn't a "long journey" for a cabbie, all he had to do was pre-book a cab. It is weird."

as i already explained, in the area where we both are, there isn't an abundance of taxis and they often simply won't do those journeys, or will charge extortionate fees for them. my town is just that, a small town, it's not a built-up area with loads of cab companies, and his homeland area is extremely rural. it's not unusual around here for people to book hotels rather than get cabs in and home.

"And absolutely no judgement on whether you sleep with him on the first date or not - but if you are going to sleep with him, why not your place or his?! Why the need for a hotel?!"

because neither of us know if we're going to sleep together yet! it's easier for him to have a hotel rather than go home, as explained above. i would find it presumptuous and off-putting if he made his way here with either no accommodation arranged or no way of getting home. if i do decide to sleep with him, i'll bring him back to mine, but that remains to be seen.

again, i see nothing wrong with what he's done, he's making arrangements that suit him given the logistics of the situation, and he hasn't mentioned it to me, so it's not like he's putting pressure on me in any way.

the reason i started the thread was to enquire about my friend's reaction, not my date's behaviour!

OP posts:

mrsbrightside3 · 09/09/2016 10:45

I presume by 'get his money's worth' your friend meant the money he would be spending on the hotel - which if it was like a budget hotel could only be costing him £40 - £50 which could be a lot less than a return cab journey.

I wouldn't be offended if I were you, it sounds like a friend looking out for you. Can't say if I was in your shoes the thought wouldn't have crossed my mind too, but like you say, its up to you how you play it.

MitzyLeFrouf · 09/09/2016 10:49

I'd find it very weird if a dude I'd never met told me he was booking a hotel for after our first date. It's pretty full on. Why the need to tell you, even if it is for a good reason

If you read the OP you'll see that he didn't tell her.

Arseicle · 09/09/2016 10:54

- that your date (who you're hoping to be a good'un) sees dating as a transaction where men give money in return for sex

Some of them do.

oldmum22 · 09/09/2016 11:04

Well done on losing the weight and getting your confidence back.
I think it is a good thing that your date has sorted himself out as it takes the hassle out "what happens at the end of the evening?" scenario.
Your friend may be being a bit clumsy in looking out for you , I feel sure her intentions were good.
Have a fab night , enjoy yourself .

Sunshineonacloudyday · 09/09/2016 11:15

Op are you going half on the bill.

WuTangFlan · 09/09/2016 11:26

I think the point is, to lots of us it seems an odd set-up - so YABU to think your friend is being cynical, more likely commenting on what (to her, and us) is a strange arrangement. Why would you book a hotel for a first date, is the first question that comes to mind. The answer that it's cheaper and easier than getting a cab doesn't hold water for the most part, it's very unusual, even in rural areas, for it to be cheaper/easier to get a hotel then get a cab when you have plenty of notice in which to arrange it. But I accept it's normal and a reasonable justification for where you are. It's just not what most of us (and your friend?) expect/are used to.

user1470043860 · 09/09/2016 11:48

I find it peculiar he's booked a hotel. He lives a 30 minute drive away from you, and he is meeting you in your "town". 30 minutes isn't a "long journey" for a cabbie, all he had to do was pre-book a cab. It is weird

It's not peculiar at all. What if the guys is just having a mini break? he's going to meet a nice lady, have a nice meal and a few drinks and then go and relax back at a nice hotel, have a lesuirely breakfast before going home slightly hungover.

Perfectlypurple · 09/09/2016 12:01

I don't think it's odd. A 30 minute journey will cost more than a cheap hotel room. Plus he would need to get there with another 30 minute journey. He hasn't told the op he is booking a hotel room. That is quite clear in the op.

I hope you have a lovely time,and even if you don't fancy him a night out with your new found confidence is a good thing.

Arseicle · 09/09/2016 12:02

There are no cheap hotel rooms in rural Ireland! A taxi would cost less.

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 09/09/2016 12:06

The OP is being mobbed. Niiiice.
She has explained the facts patiently. Read the content again if you haven't been able to follow first time.

rolls eyes

Arseicle · 09/09/2016 12:07

It's called AIBU, follow that.

rolls eyes---->

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 09/09/2016 12:07

Oh and yes I think your friend should have made some nice, positive comments. Think she envies you, OP.

Have a great time!

Arseicle · 09/09/2016 12:08

Think she envies you, OP

I very much doubt that!

TheNaze73 · 09/09/2016 12:08

It says more her about her than anything Op.

Good luck & have a great time

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 09/09/2016 12:08

It's called Mob a Poster. It's so juvenile.

Arseicle · 09/09/2016 12:10

No, its called AIBU. Says so right at the top of the screen, go look.

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 09/09/2016 12:11

The friend is not possibly embarking on a new relationship. Has she been married for 15 years or something? Guess the marriage is a bit mundane. Wonder if she is envious of the OP's weight loss, too!? Lol

Arseicle · 09/09/2016 12:11

To further clarify, its where the OP asks if she is unreasonable and posters give an answer.

You can't even mob someone by text based communication when all posters are separate entities in different places.

Did you wander into the wrong place?

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 09/09/2016 12:12

Some people are soooooo slow on the uptake. Uneducated people take everything so literally, as well.

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 09/09/2016 12:13

@Arseicle:
It's...

Arseicle · 09/09/2016 12:15

I really don't think you have room to criticise with your lolling

I'm willing to bet I'm waaaaay more educated than you. But could you stop mobbing me now, and get back to the thread?

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 09/09/2016 12:15

You cannot mob someone by text!? Eh?
See? It's that taking everything literally thing, again.
So exhausting.

sigh

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 09/09/2016 12:17

Do you actually know anything at all about figurative language, arseicle?
What a gorgeous name, btw!

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread