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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh has noticed I am a bit down

75 replies

tallulahturtle · 09/09/2016 08:26

And somehow hasn't made the connection with the fact that he screamed at me at a family wedding yesterday, sobre, in front of everyone then I had to carry on the day bright and breezy as if everything was all good and not let on that I was dying of humiliation and embarrassment inside.

OP posts:

Chinks123 · 09/09/2016 11:28

I would like to add when I went quiet it wasn't because I was actually in a mood or sulking, I was scared to speak incase I got my head bitten off again. If you are just 'sulking' in the hopes he realises what he's done I'm afraid that rarely works.

MyKingdomForBrie · 09/09/2016 11:29

Just ignore captaincrunch OP your AIBU was perfectly bloody clear.

Your 'D'H was a total dick and I completely understand why you didn't want to row back in public - utterly humiliating. I would have absolutely taken him apart as soon as we were alone though, would not be able to wait.

Will he be able to accept he was in the wrong though or does he have form for this?

scallopsrgreat · 09/09/2016 11:40

No your frustration wouldn't have been invalid. What would have been invalid would have been your response to that frustration JustAnotherPerson.

As you didn't answer the question I'll surmise that you probably wouldn't have yelled at your clients. So why, no matter how frustrated the OPs husband possibly was, is it valid that he reacted in the way he did? You seem to be trying to find some justification for him being a total arse.

CaptainCrunch · 09/09/2016 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsJusticeCunt · 09/09/2016 11:49

CaptainCrunch toodleoo sweetie, don't let the door slam you on the arse on the way out

exWifebeginsat40 · 09/09/2016 11:54

well, that escalated quickly.

trancer · 09/09/2016 11:57

My abusive ex h used to do this to me all the time. He screamed at me and belittled me many many times. If I expressed that I was upset, it would just get worse.

This is abusive behaviour op.

I left him, 10 years ago today and have been with my DH for 8. He never, ever, so much as raises his voice at me. I wish someone had told me that I didn't have to put up with being treated like that.

Neither do you. Check out Lundy Bancroft's book. I would bet my house you will see your h in there.

SaltedCaramelPopcorn · 09/09/2016 12:05

Oh he knows he screamed at you and that's why you're upset - he's just ignoring it in the hopes that you don't say anything. And if you do, you'll be being sensitive or overreacting, and you should just forget about it now because that was yesterday. Would echo previous posters who've said you shouldn't feel humiliated, you've done nothing wrong - he has - and anyone who saw his behavior will not be thinking badly of you at all!

acasualobserver · 09/09/2016 12:19

I think it's a good idea that you've decided to take some time away from Mumsnet captain. Perhaps you could use this an opportunity to get some help in RL?

MsJamieFraser · 09/09/2016 12:33

Don't let the door hit you as you flounce out, so what if im a cunt in your opinion.

Words on a screen and all that jazz!

MsJamieFraser · 09/09/2016 12:35

I've no PM either, so now I know what it entails, if I receive it, I will delete it, no point wasting my time reading pointless drivel.

Sorry OP this thread has been derailed.

scallopsrgreat · 09/09/2016 12:49

I got the delightful PM.

They couldn't even manage to get the right person.

Me thinks they don't like women very much. Let's put it that way...

scallopsrgreat · 09/09/2016 12:55

And I did report it as I suspect they will be able to "ban" you from coming back when its half term again.

MsJamieFraser · 09/09/2016 12:59

Sorry you got it scallop. It's laughable really, that it cannot even message the correct person, but as I said previously to her if you've got nothing construction to say then don't say anything at all, as I said it has form for this type of behaviour.

I've asked for the post to be deleted as its against the rules and also a personal dig at me due to current health condition I've got at the moment, Which I am considering getting a hysterectomy for.

I didnt name change asking advice about it, so you making that pathetic comment captain crunch says more about you than it does about me.

scallopsrgreat · 09/09/2016 13:05

Oh no don't apologise. It's their doing not yours .

I hadn't realised that they were being so personal to you (which is really really shitty!) and wondered if they'd had indeed sent it to the right person and just put the wrong name in the post.

Good thing is that another abusive person is no longer on MN!

MsJamieFraser · 09/09/2016 13:14

Hopefully, we don't need people like this on MN.

Didn't even think my comment was anything bad really to receive such a response. A very unhinged person.

scallopsrgreat · 09/09/2016 13:15

It wasn't bad at all!

Original poster

tallulahturtle · 09/09/2016 13:28

It was my brothers wedding, my one sibling. Now all memories of the wonderful day it was are going to be tainted :'(. Sorry if i started a row, seem to start rows without even realising it at the moment :(.

OP posts:

scallopsrgreat · 09/09/2016 13:32

You didn't start any rows Tallulah. I'm sorry your thread got derailed .

Have you spoken to your H about it yet?

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 09/09/2016 13:39

Your DH is hoping that by playing the daft laddy you're going to miraculously forget that he screamed at you. Or, actually, he's hoping that by pretending he's confused at why you're upset you'll be shamed into shutting up for fear of restarting a row.

It's gaslighting and manipulative and I'm not surprised you don't know how to react because being subject to emotional abuse would leave anyone feeling like they need to walk on eggshells.

I'm very sorry you're going through this OP (and that some apologist idiots derailed your thread) - I think it might be a good idea to talk to some of your family about how you're feeling. You'll feel better to have their support and the RL validation that your DH screaming at you is not normal or acceptable.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 09/09/2016 14:12

Oh poor you. Strange digression there but ignore, nothing to do with you, and everything to do with that poster.

I hope you get things sorted out.,

Original poster

tallulahturtle · 09/09/2016 14:37

He has conceded he was being unreasonable.
Doesn't make up for it though I can handle him screaming at me in front of strangers, its the fact it was in front of my close relatives and there is no erase button for that, no rewind. Next time we see family, i will just be reminded of it. The only thing that will vaguely heal this is time but it sucks feeling like this for less than 24 hours let alone any longer. Got this pit in my stomach, starving but im not hungry, now getting a headache. Just want to rewind and prevent the non argument in the first place.

OP posts:

Chinks123 · 09/09/2016 14:41

I think it's only when they display their behaviour infront of people, especially family, that we really see it is unacceptable. If you've been putting up with it for a long time that is, it just becomes normal and it shouldn't! It is emotional abuse and it took me a long time to want to accept that. It wasn't until my mother heard how he spoke to me and challenged him on it I suddenly twigged..you deserve to be treated with respect and spoken to nicely, it's that simple!

MsJamieFraser · 10/09/2016 09:54

How are you today OP?

whataboutbob · 10/09/2016 13:03

My father had rages all through my parents' marriage, my mum never really stood up to him, she didn' t have it in her. His rages were such that i don't know if he'd have been able to change or if their marriage would have ended. All his siblings have difficulties in interpersonal relationships, I can't help thinking there must have been something wrong in their upbringing, but that is a totally taboo subject with them. Dad would have benefited from counseling, but of course he'd have rubbished the idea.
Just wondering what kind of family background your DH has, how he interacts with parents/ siblings, and whether he'd consider counseling for his rages? needless to say it is totally unacceptable for you to be humiliated by him because he's getting stressed about parking.

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