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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh has noticed I am a bit down

75 replies

tallulahturtle · 09/09/2016 08:26

And somehow hasn't made the connection with the fact that he screamed at me at a family wedding yesterday, sobre, in front of everyone then I had to carry on the day bright and breezy as if everything was all good and not let on that I was dying of humiliation and embarrassment inside.

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 09/09/2016 09:28

Well the good news is he's showing the rest of the world how he is so when you kick him into touch it shouldn't be a shock for them.

Flowers You don't have to stay in this situation. There are options.

Bagina · 09/09/2016 09:33

The humiliation is his, not yours. Everyone will have the measure of him now and will be feeling for you. It's horrible knowing that a confrontation is on the way. Do not accept any responsibility for this.

Birdsgottafly · 09/09/2016 09:37

Why did it escalate to him screaming for you to get in the car?
Were you refusing to do so, because you were waiting for the other people?

I'm not excusing it, but you need to talk through why it happened and how you're both going to proceed.

You've given one side and I know when I was gas lighted by an ex, I'd get to screaming point, which he then used to make me the 'wrong' one.

furryminkymoo · 09/09/2016 09:37

this is harsh, "Being " a bit sad the next day" is a bit martyr-like, and will not get you anywhere....sadly"

Wow, kick someone while you are down why don't you! I

OP you are allowed to be down about it, I would be upset, don't hide it but tell him why you are upset.

Sometimes people lash out in times of stress then when the stress is gone they expect everyone to just crack on and the outburst not to have bothered anyone, try to break this pattern by explaining the aftermath, don't hide your hurt.

BarbarianMum · 09/09/2016 09:43

My dad is like this. Once he's over his mood, he wants it to be like it never happened. Gets very puzzled and then upset angry if anyone is still angry or unhappy about how he's behaved because it reminds him of his shoddy behaviour and makes him feel guilty.

My dad's emotionally abusive. How about your dh?

Mommawoo · 09/09/2016 09:54

Slightly off topic but I had an ex that would do this. Speak to me like crap in front of friends and family knowing I wouldn't retaliate for fear of causing a scene.

The only way to deal with people like that is to call them on it at that moment. Quietly stewing on it and attempting to discuss it later rarely works as they feel like they have already gotten away with it.

Next time your husband does this call him on it. You don't have to scream, just a calm "Why are you shouting at me when i've just explained that i'm waiting for Bob to bring his car?" should be enough to shame him.

Your silence just gives him a free pass to act like a spoiled brat whenever he doesn't get his own way.

NightWanderer · 09/09/2016 09:59

Of course he has made the connection. He is minimising the situation though.

scallopsrgreat · 09/09/2016 10:03

and YY to him not wanting you to be down because it reminds him of his appalling behaviour. God forbid he should be made to feel uncomfortable.

Tell him to fuck off.

Birdsgottafly · 09/09/2016 10:03

"""Why are you shouting at me when i've just explained that i'm waiting for Bob to bring his car?" should be enough to shame him. ""

Or it might have mad him have to ask, why she's so concerned about the other people and them not finding a parking space, when she knows it's something that he gets stressed about.

I agree that open communication works best in these senarios. As does addressing it, without just going silent.

Thatsmeinthecorner2016 · 09/09/2016 10:05

My DH tends to be very shitty, loud and sarcastic when he's nervous. I told him to stop bullying me just because he feels shitty and after DD told him the same, he copped on. I just decided he's not getting away with that. He largely improved his behaviour after had told him this is not how to treat people.
Don't let you DH get away with this kind of behaviour. It's wrong.

CaptainCrunch · 09/09/2016 10:18

My "what's your aibu?" was perfectly valid, the op even admitted she just wanted to vent, I don't think she needs you all to pile on me to make her feel better.

This is clearly a communication issue, ably illustrated by the lack of clarity in the op.

If they just talked to each other I'm sure it could all be resolved.

scallopsrgreat · 09/09/2016 10:23

No this isn't a communication issue CaptainCrunch. That implies blame on both sides. Agressively yelling at your wife in public is not a six of one; half a dozen of the other situation.

WorraLiberty · 09/09/2016 10:26

You know what though OP?

He's actually humiliated himself.

If I saw/heard someone screaming at their wife or husband like that, my only thought would be "What a nasty wanker".

You can hold your head up here. He's the one looking very foolish Thanks

Memoires · 09/09/2016 10:31

Worra is right, as she so often is! He's not humiliated you, he's humiliated himself, made himself look like a shit. Hold your head up, no one is thinking badly of you.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 09/09/2016 10:46

If this was his usual form OP then I'm sure its not a healthy sign but as an object of balance because we only have 1 side of the story.

I used to be a taxi driver so I understand the frustration of sitting there waiting for people to get them selves sorted, 'oh can you just wait till such and such comes' and then they wonder off to go make sure that great aunty gladys is sorted for a lift and can we just wait while doddery great uncle norm wants to follow behind us and can we just wait for him to finish his conversation about the gothic architecture of the church first, all the while watching other people bugger off quickly and find the decent parking, it can get very frustrating.

Bit if you were ready to go and there was no other issues then ur hubby is an absolute twunt

george1020 · 09/09/2016 10:49

You don't have anything to be embarrassed about and nobody will be thinking badly of you.
Your DH on the other hand has made himself look like a knob and has embarrassed himself rather well!

If I was you I would say something along the lines of being upset he shouted at you and made you feel horrible but mainly that he made himself look like a fool which in turn makes it look like you are married to an unreasonable, foolish man child that can't hold his temper. If his family was there his shitty behaviour reflects rather badly on them too (rightly or wrongly)

Greyponcho · 09/09/2016 10:50

Was he hungry? Is he someone who actually doesn't give a fig about weddings but was only there to support you?
You've got to speak to him

AnUtterIdiot · 09/09/2016 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

acasualobserver · 09/09/2016 11:00

This is clearly a communication issue, ably illustrated by the lack of clarity in the op.

The OP was perfectly clear. And this is certainly not a "communication issue" - that's an absurd observation which plays down abusive behaviour and further insults the OP.

CaptainCrunch · 09/09/2016 11:06

It's not an "absurd observation". From the op alone, no follow up I couldn't understand why the OP had sat "bright and breezy" whilst "dying inside". If she had talked to him and told him how she was feeling perhaps he would have realised what an arsehole he was being.

Here's a wee face for you Idiot Hmm

MsJamieFraser · 09/09/2016 11:13

captaincrunch has form for this! Providing nothing but low blow comments, if you've nothing constructive to say, perhaps say nothing would be my suggestion!

OP you need to speak to him about it, taking his frustrations out on you is never acceptable

scallopsrgreat · 09/09/2016 11:16

As a taxi driver would you have yelled at your clients to get in the car JustanotherPoster to show your frustration?

MrsRyanGosling15 · 09/09/2016 11:25

If it was exactly as you say then YANBU but I would really like to know what your dh take on it is. Sulking is so bloody annoying and childish though. If you have an issue just talk about it, you are adults.

Chinks123 · 09/09/2016 11:26

It's not a communication issue that's the problem here. Even if you hadn't communicated to your DP why you weren't getting in the car, screaming is not a normal reaction Hmm

I have experienced this before, X would do something wrong, usually shout/scream at me and I would then go quiet. He would then ask why I was "in a mood" he would then go on to shout at me for being in a mood..it was a relentless cycle. I never had the balls to just say "I'm not in a mood I'm upset because of your behaviour" It's abusive and it knocks your confidence after a while. Please tell him exactly what he did wrong and how it made you feel, I wish I'd done it sooner rather than being so timid!

JustAnotherPoster00 · 09/09/2016 11:27

Would my frustration be invalid then scallop?

What if OP's DH didnt want to be there and she already knew this then started to faff, this is all conjecture I might add until OP gives us some more backstory, because the habit of only posting the tiny relevant bit and not the full backstory seems to add to the confusion on some AIBU's

But like I said if there was nothing going as in my hypothetical then he's an ass and would have been told to DFOD