I'm so sorry it's about disabled bus seats

[YourNewspaperIsShit]

But It's absolutely not the normal "having a dig" thread and if I wasn't torturing myself about the situation I promise I wouldn't post it.

So I don't drip feed: I'm autistic and have an invisible physical disability.

The bus to DD's nursery was just a small one on this occasion and there was one wheelchair/disabled seat. The front seats have 'elderly' signs on and there's a sign on the wheelchair seat saying something like "This seat is for wheelchair users. Small prams and buggies may use this seat but must move if a wheelchair user needs access". Totally acceptable, I have no dispute.

So basically what happened was I got on to pick DD up from nursery, normally we go in the car but only DP drives and he was called to work. I have 6 month old DS in his pram (Silver Cross Wayfarer if it's relevant coz I can't fold it). I was in a lot of pain that day or I would have used his sling, i physically couldn't do it. In fact I kind of lean on the pram like a zimmer frame IYSWIM.

Pay for my ticket, park pram in the space and sit in the disabled seat. Every other seat on the bus is taken. Elderly people in the front seats. Halfway through the journey we reach a bus station and a lady in a wheelchair is in the queue, bus driver tells me to get off. Normally I'd 100% do this but I wouldn't have made DD's pick up.... She is only 4 so can't exactly wait another 30mins for the next bus.

I start having a panic attack with the situation and kind of splutter out that I really need to catch the bus. The absolutely lovely lady in the wheelchair says she's only taking her shopping home and will wait for the next bus.

Bus driver, assuming I guess that I'm just a snotty young entitled mother demanding the seat, continues to tell me to get off the bus. I start to cry.

I manage to choke out that I'm also disabled and get told "aye of course you are love, what kind of person takes a seat from someone in a wheelchair". It then felt like he was pitting us off one another, like some awful 'disability contest' saying things like "go on then what have you got, is it worse?"

The lady eventually gets through to him that she really isn't in a rush and goes out of the station so he can't just sit and wait for her. He reluctantly drives off with a shitty attitude and a grunt

I don't know what I'd have done without her lovely calm demeanor. I'm still absolutely mortified that I didn't get off the bus though, if it wasn't for DD there's no way I'd have stayed on.

Totally prepared to hear I WBU, especially for starting a bus seat thread. But I can't stop thinking about it and have noone to discuss with IRL

In hindsight I would have caught an earlier bus but usually they have big ones with 3 disabled/pram seats so I didn't think.

[CrohnicallyAspie]

And to throw another curveball in there... My SIL is disabled and uses a wheelchair but would probably find it quicker and easier to get out of the chair, fold it, and sit in a normal seat than OP would find it to fold the buggy! (Obs that doesn't apply to the lady in the OP, if she could walk I guess she would have done... More to those saying wheelchair always trumps buggies regardless of the individual disabilities)

[kali110]

Although you were in the wrong space, I still think you should complain about the driver's attitude, that's appalling.
I have an invisible disability too.
I can't stand up on buses.
I've lost track amount of times people have eyed me up asking what's wrong ( i look to healthy and apparently you can't be young and have anything wrong with you).
God for bit i sit in the seats
I have a card but i'm yet to even ask for a seat it's really not that easy standing up for yourself.
I certainly wouldn't be able to ask for help either.
Atleast not on any of my buses!
I've been threatened before.
A disabled couple were threatened when they wouldn't move out of the 'buggy and people with heavy shopping' seats for a buggy. They could barely stand up properly but people were treating them like criminals

[MyWineTime]

This is actually a time management issue. You need to allow yourself more time to get to the school.
This just shows how shit it can be for disabled people.
Why should disabled people have to allow extra time for travelling? Of course no-one wants to be late, but non-disabled people have so much more flexibility because the public transport system is so much more accessible for them.
And when transport isn't accessible - the disabled person gets the blame for their own misfortune! It's their fault because they didn't leave enough time or didn't plan properly. It's just shit.

And one of the things I loved about having a pushchair was the fact that it served a function similar to a white cane

[SabineUndine]

To be fair to the bus driver, he probably has a lot of trouble with the sort of people who feel entitled to that space when they're not - and I don't mean you, OP - so probably gets a bit gruff about it. Difficult situation.

[RepentAtLeisure]

I agree, just get a cheap folding buggy for the bus.

When my ds was born in the 80s I had to go everywhere by bus. I was an expert at holding my 18 month old in one arm, the buggy and shopping in the other, and still being able to hand over change and get my ticket. We all were. I know things have improved - like having space at the front for wheelchairs and prams, but I wouldn't like knowing that I could be made to leave the bus at any bus stop enroute!

[IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes]

OP please don't feel like you have to justify why you needed the space. The driver should never have forced you into what was effectively a game of top trumps where the pair of you were expected to disclose your personal medical history! And it's not like your post even read as an attack on him or the other lady it seemed more that you were anxious as to whether you had done the right thing. The advice about leaving earlier, having a different buggy etc etc is all well and good in ideal world but with the situation as it happened you did nothing wrong! From what you've said it doesn't sound as though a buggy would work for helping support you physically anyway.

[Amelie10]

Sorry but I think the driver was absolutely right to tell you to get off. It was only hour luck that the wheelchair user didn't insist on you moving. If it someone did want you to move then I think this would have placed the driver in an unfair situation of asking you to get off when you should be.
Also using the buggy as a walking frame isn't the same as an actual frame

[GDarling]

Submariner, yes I do agree.

[IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes]

For all we know OP does have a walking frame also? Certainly seems as though she requires one. Therefore I would love to know how she is expected to use this AND push a buggy/pram at the same time?

[YourNewspaperIsShit]

I don't think he shouldn't have told me to get off I just think once the lady said that she would wait he didn't need to turn it into a "who's the most disabled" contest for the seat

[madhurjazz]

Yanbu at all.

So sorry you had to go through this.

I don't like that wheelchairs automatically get priority, it needs to be on a case by case basis.

I've been shouted at for using a disabled loo when I was in my 20s, and I really needed it due to my invisible disability.

[YourNewspaperIsShit]

Not sure how im expected to use the pram and crutches Surely logic dictates that a sturdy pram has a similar function and also carries DS safely, but if there's a better option I'm more than willing to use ir

[YourNewspaperIsShit]

Thanks IWouldLike

[PickAChew]

what is a half hour when yr socialising, standing around,

Read this in the context of the OP. I'd wager an educated guess at painful (I get pins and needles if I have to stand around, too long - I can walk - usually - but not stand comfortably. I also get horrendous lower back ache). I'd hazard a guess at the socialising bit being torture unless the OP has established friends there.

[IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes]

Exactly OP! Obvious solution that it doubles up to help in this situation. And for all posters saying stuff like oh I always just folded up a buggy/carried child plus shopping etc no problem....assume you all have disabilities too? Otherwise it's not exactly a fair comparison.

[Witchend]

Are you sure the wayfarer doesn't fold? I have a wayfarer that must be at least 25years old (4th or 5t hand when I got it for dd1 who's now 15yo) and it folds fine. You can do it with with a kick and a click-I used to get the (non-buggy friendly) bus and could do it with baby in sling and toddler on hip. Although I rarely had to do it as there were almost always people willing to either hold children or pick up the buggy.

If I was getting a bus to something I really couldn't be late to I'd get a bus before though. You don't have to go and stand outside school for half an hour. When dd1 and dd2 were little (before we got a car) we used to spend times doing all sorts of things killing time after being early. I got very good at finding places to sit too! Although I did once end up sitting in the buggy breastfeeding dd2, much to dd1's amusement.

[NellWilsonsWhiteHair]

Seriously perplexed by those who keep on saying "get a different buggy (ideally one you can fold while holding a wriggling 18mo and all the shopping)" - when OP and other experienced disabled posters have explained exactly why that's not viable; or those who seem to think that disabled people who use any kind of mobility aid are surgically attached to their One True Mobility Aid - you do realise that people can be wheelchair-users one day, zimmer-users another, right?

OP, that sounds so stressful for you. Thank goodness the woman in the wheelchair was so kind. Driver was completely out of order.

[PickAChew]

And, when my eldest was about 18 months, we hardly ever had low floor accessible buses on our hourly local route. We got through several buggies before I found one I could fold one handed. Only problem is, it turned out that I couldn't fold it, handle the bags I was carrying and handle my extremely hyperactive toddler, at the same time. Then I got pregnant again and all bets were off. I simply never bothered with that bus until both the kids were in school full time. Thankfully, they'd entered the 21st century by then.

[YourNewspaperIsShit]

The bottom collapses but the carry cot bit on top doesn't change so it would still take up quite a bit of space, brilliant story about sitting in the buggy

[KingofnightvisionKingofinsight]

Candy, on London buses it actually says in words that it's a wheelchair space and that prams must be folded if a wheelchair needs the space.

OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's unacceptable. I feel compelled to ask, though, how you would be able to manage a large heavy stroller, a baby, and a toddler on the way home. I have a permanent injury that is much more minor than yours sounds but does cause limitations that are similar in character (not degree) to what you've described. I do not have autism or any trouble communicating, and I have one of the lightest pushchairs on the market, and I can just barely manage my two on and off the bus safely. Toddlers require so much physical management in general, and buses move so unpredictably. What do you do if you are in the "wheelchair" space and there is no nearby seat available for your toddler? How do you get everyone on and off when the bus doesn't park close enough to the curb?

[YourNewspaperIsShit]

To be honest I've only ever had a similar issue once and that's where there was already 3 buggies on a bus so I hate to wait for the next bus but I wasn't in a rush anywhere. It was just a really unfortunate set of circumstances combined together this time but I've been panicking so much that I committed a really bad social interaction.

I can't imagine there is a big sturdy pram that folds away enough to make room and the buggies aren't strong enough. My last pram was a Surf because it lasts until toddler stage but is bulky and strong that's why I went for this one too

[YourNewspaperIsShit]

"Toddlers require so much physical management in general, and buses move so unpredictably. What do you do if you are in the "wheelchair" space and there is no nearby seat available for your toddler? How do you get everyone on and off when the bus doesn't park close enough to the curb?"

4 year old stays by my side like glue but if she were to ever run off then I'd have to brace the pain and hope I don't fall Never been on a bus with no seats at all for her, usually there's 3ish flip down chairs in a row next to the wheelchair/buggy space. Although I don't use public transport often enough for it to be something I've thought much about. If the bus isn't close to the curb it like lowers somehow and I've had very kind people, including the driver, help me get the pram on. Although very rare that it's not by the curb, hope that answers a little bit

[Submariner]

GDarling - thank you :) There's never just one way of seeing things. (PS it sounds like we're very similar, I'm always super early too!! :) )

[WorraLiberty]

CandyMcJingles Re your information for all and the wheelchair symbol.

Transport for London buses and other bus companies here, have signs that specifically state 'Priority for wheelchair users'.

[WorraLiberty]

Oh sorry, didn't realise King has already pointed that out