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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is DH.......so fed up i could cry

28 replies

whatisforteamum · 08/09/2016 17:51

I work shifts and DH does opposite days.I see him about 1 day a month and 2 eves a week from 7pm.
Last night i was off and went to see Dm with flowers as DF is really ill and got chatting.When i got in dh was out.It turned out he was at the garage with his car which needed repairing.I felt sorry as ive had car trouble.
About 9 i asked him about today as there is no way he can get to work without a car and i am off.
He told me he was out...at golf and had booked hols for this.Golfing meal and drinks.when i pointed out he couldve told me he said he had barely seen me and i seemed moody (my workplace is changing hands and ive been under the weather too).He also has golf next week and a few days before my 50th in oct.
AIBU to expect him to tell me or the dcs or is this being a control freak? i wouldve seen DM today had i known he was out.I cant see him until next week now.[ANGRY]

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 08/09/2016 17:54

You really only see your husband for two evenings a week and one day a month? Do you mean those are the only times you can spend any length of time with him, or when you literally see him?

Lilaclily · 08/09/2016 17:55

How old are the dcs ?
Can you go out on the 2 evenings for a meal ?
Yes I would be sad too that he didn't want to spend the day with me if he only gets one full day with you a month
A chat is needed

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/09/2016 17:58

He is not prioritizing spending time with you. Which would feel to me like he liked golf more than me. Does he have time and space to play golf while you're at work?

Hobbies can be important but spending time with loved ones is more.

Or is it an organizational issue? Could you share a calendar so you can both see when you're off?

GoldFishFingerz · 08/09/2016 17:59

Can you start booking evenings together instead of assuming you're keeping them free

JeepersMcoy · 08/09/2016 18:00

Wait, I am reading that he has booked holiday to go play golf. If he hadn't of taken this as holiday he would have been at work so you wouldn't have seen him anyway? So what time with him are you missing? Or have I got this all wrong...

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 08/09/2016 18:01

Isee him one day a month if i get a friday then 2 eves of my days off when he gets home at 7pm (tired from 12hr day).I was offered a mon/fri job last week with less money however if he only makes time for his interests i will still be alone.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 08/09/2016 18:02

But Jeepers, this is supposed to be her husband. If she never sees him, why is he taking vacation time to do something on his own? Hardly what you want from a marriage, is it?

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 08/09/2016 18:04

I would ve seen him tonight as we need to discuss getting a new cooker and general catch up.Even dd thinks it is odd he didnt tell anyone in the 2 weeks he has known.

OP posts:

JeepersMcoy · 08/09/2016 18:07

Ah, sorry. I am tired and easily confused and missed the evening bit. I would be upset about the evening and think it's odd he didn't tell youas it is time you would expect to be together. I do think he is allowed to use a day of his leave to do things on his own though. Surely he is allowed a hobby and it is better he use a days leave than take up the small amount of time together.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 08/09/2016 18:09

do other married couples just do their own thing? yes he has his saturday golf once a month as i always work all weekend.:)

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/09/2016 18:14

So he has time when you're at work for hobbies but very limited family/couple time? Yeah I'd be pissed off too.

HermioneJeanGranger · 08/09/2016 18:20

It sounds like you both communicate really badly. I think if you want time together on his day off/the evenings off you need to say and arrange something, even if it's just dinner and a film at home.

I don't think he really did anything wrong by booking leave, but he should have told you. It doesn't sound like you tell him much either, though.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 08/09/2016 18:20

TBH this golf day is an annual one for the last 30 yrs ive known him.It is the fact he didnt want to tell me.I find his behaviour quite draining.He loves sport and used to watch the grandprix when he couldve recorded it and gone out with the dcs and i.

OP posts:

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 08/09/2016 18:24

Not when they have so little time together! I'd rather be single than in a relationship seeing that little of someone, then them CHOOSING to do other things in the tiny bit of time we could have together. I'd point this out to him.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 08/09/2016 18:28

Hermoine i only know my days off week for week.Normally he would be here to tired to watch tv together.I guess the marriage is over if we lead increasingly separate lives.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 08/09/2016 18:30

If you think of living separately from him, do you feel unhappy?

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 08/09/2016 18:30

Thanks cafecreme that is how i feel....single but not .....

OP posts:

HermioneJeanGranger · 08/09/2016 18:34

That can't be easy

ImperialBlether · 08/09/2016 18:35

It sounds as though he's draining you, OP. You might be less tired without him.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 08/09/2016 18:37

Yes imperialblether.Some of my unsettledness is work and some is very ill Df .DH lack of support is bad too.I think he doesnt make any effort with me.We have very different ideas such as i am tidy and dress quite nicely he makes no effort at all.
i have mentioned his bad temper on mumsnet alot.
when we do go out he is like the man i married.Polite and nice.
I am trying not to be controlling i just find it very annoying that he has done this.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/09/2016 18:39

Do you think the marriage is done? And how do you feel if it is? How do you think he would feel?

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 08/09/2016 18:48

He has told me to sort it out before when weve discussed it.Many yrs have been tough but we had dcs to focus on.:( WE dont sleep together eat together or do anything at all really.I think 30 yrs with someone is hard to walk away from.

OP posts:

HermioneJeanGranger · 08/09/2016 18:55

Don't throw away another 30 years on someone who doesn't make you happy

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 08/09/2016 19:35

Thank you Hermione x

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 08/09/2016 20:40

I don't tell my DH when I book leave. It's my leave to do as I wish.

If we're going on holiday together then he knows I've booked the time off.

He has no need to tell me when he's booked leave either.

We do see each other every day though, as long as one of us isn't away for work or leisure.

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