or is DH a narcissistic arse wipe to give DD an expensive 'present' that was actually a replacement for something of mine that HE broke months ago?

[kmac777]

Pretty much what it says in the subject line really. My husband bought our 4 year old daughter a pink ipod as a 'first day of school' present yesterday, without telling me, and he signed the gift tag 'All my love Daddy xxx'. Oh and apparently this ipod is to replace MY ipod that he broke months ago, my ipod which he didn't tell me he'd broken, but, when presented with the broken ipod, conceded that 'yes it was most probably me'...

I generally buy all of our daughter's bday and xmas presents, and, like most normal people, i sign them all from me AND my husband. Her first xmas i bought every single present apart from one small thing that he bought - and of course signed just from him... Anyway, when i told him i was annoyed about the ipod, he looked incredulous and said he'd just been trying to do something nice, with a blatant 'why are you trying to ruin this?' expression on his face.

To me though, it just seems like a monumental piss take - a shameless narcisstic attempt to curry favour with my daughter (who's always been a mummy's girl) with the pretence of a big lavish gift, her very own ipod in her favourite colour, all wrapped up in pink ribbons and bows, when it's actually a replacement for something of mine that he himself broke.

(He has a lot of previous form for narcissistic stuff, something he himself acknowledges... not at the time, hell no... but sufficiently long enough after the event so that he can make out like he's 'changed' now.)

He included a token little side note on the tag that it was 'to be shared with mummy'... Yeah right, our daughter has (of course) taken it as her present, because that's exactly how my husband chose to represent it to her.

There's a fair bit of background to our current situation (largely financial) that adds an additional dimension to my irritation, but even disregarding all that, AIBU and over-reacting here? Or was he a bit of a dick?

My ex husband bought me a lap top for my birthday wrapped it up and gave it to me then said it was for everyone to use and he needed to buy a new one anyway

It's not narcissistic I don't think, but it IS totally uncacceptable of course

Woah, no access to family funds ????

He is a cuntless idiot and I would be fuming!

Woah, no access to family funds ? this with bells on. You need to be seriously considering this marriage.

Is he financially controlling?

I know that separate funds work for some families, but this kind of thing is one reason I wouldn't be happy with the situation.

Er no access to family funds? Why? That's ridiculous. That needs changing or he has full control.

He sounds nasty op. No loving partner would go this.

You need to think if he's worth the trouble but get access to joint finds as a start.

YANBU. He is an arse. And how fucking frustrating to have to deal with his faux-eyed innocence that implies you're spoiling the occasion.

can some one explain to me why this is being couched in Narc terms?

Because it's the done thing to call every arsehole a narc these days, I think.

OP's husband is still a cunt, whether he's a narc, an arsehole or a hippopotamus though.

just to clarify, it was an ipod not an ipad - we're old skool.... so a much less expensive gift than an ipad - but i think the point remains the same.

buttmuncher, ladymoth. i don't hate him, no. and i don't wish to leave him, though we have reached the brink several times in the past. I do have a real problem with certain aspects of his behaviour, and clearly that's come across in my original post, but equally i'm sure he'd tell you the same about me :) there are fundamental issues within our relationship, like many relationships, and we've been discussing those issues and trying to work on them. he concedes that he's largely, though obviously not entirely, to blame for many of our issues and has made some effort to address some of these areas and i want to encourage that process and see where it leads before accepting that we're incompatible.

i don't want this to be about the bigger picture really, because i know (largely) where i stand on that. i was just genuinely interested to discover other people's opinions on this isolated event because i do know that at times i can look to find reasons to be annoyed with things he does because of the bigger picture stuff and i started wondering if this was one such time or whether there was a genuine cause for annoyance. thanks for the frank questioning though - i like brutal honesty :)

Oops you did say ipod sorry. (I'd forgotten about them!)

Re the narc issue, yes I agree that it's an overused term, but my mum ticks all the boxes and she is the queen of manipulative present-giving, and I recognise this so well.

OP, did you forget your NC?

Good luck with him, I couldn't stand being around someone like that

Sorry, my mistake, my highlighting seems to have turned itself off

It's horrid but I don't see how it is narcissistic.

Dick indeed, and arse, creepy bastard and probably a number of other titles would be apt.
Very narcissistic too.

Dick. My DP did that till I pulled him on it. It really pissed me off.

He's a massive massive arse. I'm not in the slightest bit surprised there's a 'bigger picture'. I know you don't want to look at the bigger picture today, but if you haven't already a thread about it sometime might help. The 'no access to family funds' & 'he'd say the same about me' are both worrying.

iPod. He owes YOU another one.

Because he's out to make himself look good Sheba and excluding the op from the gift is pretty spiteful imo.

Dick.
I'm of the opinion that any dad may buy his kid a gift if they feel like it, but in the circumstances you describe he has been an absolute nob.

And he still owes you an ipod. Oh yes.

YANBU Narcissistic Arsewipe is probably one of the politer terms I'd use to describe him. I know you said you don't want to discuss the bigger picture but imo the lack of access to family funds is much worst.

I must be old fashioned because I've never heard of a 'starting school' present? Certainly if you're going to give one to your daughter then you and your husband should have discussed it and agreed on something together?

Perhaps that is part of the problem; your lack of communication and an almost competitive vying for your child's attention. He seems to revel in getting one up on you in terms of winning your daughter's favour. Manipulating your own daughter to rile her mother seems cruel and will do her no favours.
You definitely need to make it clear to your dh that as parents you should present a united front and be in agreement on decisions regarding your child.

Perhaps when you get time alone with your dd, you can explain to her that the iPod is for the family to share.

Dick

Force him to get YOU an I-pod. Walk him into a shop and force him to do it, show him what an idiot he is. Remind him that daughter will cop on very shortly about all his Machiavellian nonsense.

She'll see through his bullsh1t and think he is foolish.

I'm not defending him, he was very definitely in the wrong, but some people are getting a bit carried away with their comments here.