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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just be resigned to this situation?

44 replies

catalogoferrors · 08/09/2016 01:12

DH and I have DD just started 6th form and DS yr 8.

DS has severe and complex special needs (Learning, Physical, health etc) he is going for some long awaited quite major surgery at the end of this month. It was due to be sometime in Oct but hospital brought it forward with more than four weeks notice.

DH runs his own business and says he had kept X week free in Oct but will be in SA the week of the new surgery date. I didn't pressure him, I said if he couldn't get out of the trip I'm sure we would manage - DD could board, dogs to kennels etc - not for a minute thinking he really would go to SA.

He confirmed tonight that he will be going to SA. I asked him if he explained to client that his 12 yr old son was having major surgery and he said he hadn't mentioned why he had asked to pull out of the job (other staff members are going and COULD manage without him)

Should I kick up a fuss and make him stay? Tbh he really is crap at doing anything remotely useful (apart from running our company) so if DD was here she would have to cook for him. Last time DS had surgery he barely visited (London office 15m walk from hospital) read the paper and fell asleep because he was tired, when I hadn't had an undisturbed night in a week. BUT our DS loves him and will be upset that his Daddy isn't there, particularly when he is cross with me as I've 'made' him have blood/urine/BP tests etc he might just need a parent to love?

Or should I just accept that my DH will never put us first and get on with it? I have no living family to rely on (and his are all ancient/too far to support) so I am used to being on my own as he works away 1/2 each month.

OP posts:
IceMaiden73 · 08/09/2016 01:16

Yes it sucks but it's really tough when you run your own business

Has your DS had surgery before?
Does your DH consider it to be major surgery? You don't say what it is for
How important is the work in the grand scheme of the business?

x

MyKingdomForBrie · 08/09/2016 01:18

You told him it was fine if he went. So he's going. Next time just tell him what you want!

It sounds like he is totally unpractical anyway, maybe he knows this and is avoiding any expectation by being away? I can't imagine feeling able to go away on a business trip with my child in hospital but that's a different point.

SongBirdsKeepSinging · 08/09/2016 01:21

What a horrid situation to be in. Hope your ds will be ok. I think you need to sit dh doen and tell him exactly how you feel his support could help. I'd hr the type that finds hospitals a struggle? My dh is rubbish with anything medical but push come to shove if I told him I needed his support he'd be there. Maybe your dh just needs reminding you and ds need him at this time?

Original poster
catalogoferrors · 08/09/2016 01:25

He does work really hard running the business but it is not a 'one man band' enterprise. There are two senior members of staff going and he will only be shmoozing and/or editing scripts for shooting.

Unfortunately DS has had a few surgeries, nothing for three years thank goodness. This is not abdominal, cardiac or brain so no, not the most risky but still 5 hours under and six month recovery. My husband has no real idea I guess, he has only been to one appointment of thousands and that is because the geneticist insisted!

He treats all pieces of work as the most important thing, because that's how a client should feel. I am ashamed to say I haven't even asked which client it is because I feel that nothing is more important than our children.

Thank you for your reply.

OP posts:
Original poster
catalogoferrors · 08/09/2016 01:30

Kingdom, you are quite right. I shouldn't have said it would be OK, I just didn't believe he could have so little ... Empathy? Understanding? ???

Songbirds, he is very squeamish. I had (major) surgery some years ago and he said, "I don't want to know what you are having done, but it's not the beginning of the end is it?" Hmm

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 08/09/2016 01:37

He doesn't sound very nice. Are you and both your kids resigned to always playing second fiddle to his work?

And bollocks to 'DD will have to cook for him'. Why should she? If he can't cook he can go to the supermarket and buy his own ready meals like other adults. I wouldn't begrudge it if he did other stuff for her, but it doesn't sound as if he does.

Original poster
catalogoferrors · 08/09/2016 01:43

Tendon, you may have hit the nail on the head. Even as I wrote the (long and tedious) post I felt myself disliking him and losing my respect for him as a parent.

OP posts:
MadamCantona · 08/09/2016 01:48

Sorry, very new to the site so finding my feet and don't mean to be judgemental but hopefully, another viewpoint.

We all know our DHs aren't mind readers; you have to tell him.
You say he's not much good apart from earning money - surely somewhere along the line you've assigned each other roles and never revisited them?

All the best with the surgery. x

Original poster
catalogoferrors · 08/09/2016 01:55

Mme, not judgemental at all.

He runs our company well, it doesn't mean he/we earn vast sums of money (good sized house but buckets in the loft!)

I think you are right, he sees me as able to cope with everything and anything. So I do, because I know if I don't it won't happen. So he lets me get on with it because I just cope with everything...

Every so often I'd just like to not have to do it all alone. But it's him I need to say that to, you are right.

OP posts:
WyfOfBathe · 08/09/2016 02:02

I think it's too late now to tell him he can't go, when you initially supported it (although obviously it would be nice if he was more understanding).

But if DD would have to cook for him anyway, maybe she would prefer to board especially if it would only be for a few nights?

Hope the surgery goes well Flowers

VioletBam · 08/09/2016 02:27

so if DD was here she would have to cook for him

That comment annoyed me more than him going away!

Is he a toddler?

Witchend · 08/09/2016 07:29

You told him it would be fine to go, so you can't turn round now and say no.
Plus if there's 6 month recovery time he's going to be needed plenty over that time.

scaryteacher · 08/09/2016 07:42

If he won't be any use if he were to stay (I too have a dh who will avoid anything medical to do with ds or I like the plague), then let him go, and concentrate on ds. You don't need a third child to worry about. You need to look after ds and you. Hope the operation goes well, and ensure you thrash the arse out of your dh for help with ds during his recovery.

Squirmy65ghyg · 08/09/2016 07:43

This is awful. He didn't visit your son?!

DoreenLethal · 08/09/2016 07:45

I think this is pretty heartless...do you want to be with a heartless man is the question?

ClopySow · 08/09/2016 07:49

so if DD was here she would have to cook for him. Last time DS had surgery he barely visited (London office 15m walk from hospital) read the paper and fell asleep because he was tired, when I hadn't had an undisturbed night in a week

That's the bit you need to tackle. Its outrageous.

user1470840482 · 08/09/2016 07:49

My dc has had numerous thankfully small surgeries however my DH would absolutely be at all of them and to help afterwards .

In my experience or any surgery it takes two people to manage and help , the child is scared and needs reassurance and to be looked after while supporting each other .

Especially when you have other children so you can tag team looking after them all .

I think it's terrible he doesn't want to be there and would honestly consider if he's the person you want to spend the rest of your your life with .

AnUtterIdiot · 08/09/2016 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 08/09/2016 07:53

Op does this mean you are to take time off work to deal with all this?

Original poster
catalogoferrors · 08/09/2016 08:24

Thank you all.

I don't think he means to be heartless, he is just very driven. Our DD has High Functioning Autism and I've always thought he was further along the spectrum than she is!

We've been together since I was really young (he is 12 yrs older), I am now mid 40s and maybe just feel less willing (able/too exhausted?) to accommodate his lack of consideration.

As for me taking time off work, we live on, and I run, a Smallholding/livery establishment. I will be paying someone else to care for the animals and muck out etc.

OP posts:
pictish · 08/09/2016 08:32

I agree with others...you said it was fine and even detailed how you would manage. I don't think you can turn it around and put the guilts on him now.

mostlyslowly · 08/09/2016 08:33

Catalogue, I too was a driven career person. I thought I was doing my best for my family by providing a good standard of living, hols, cars, etc.
If you can cope, let hubby bring home the bacon, this time. Explain to him afterward what you,and the children want. Husband father rather than champion bread winner.
I gave up work this year to care for my wife. Not easy, but so much more important than the salary, of which I have none. Scary, but very fulfilling

pictish · 08/09/2016 08:35

If you think he's on the spectrum it makes even more sense that he would take you at your word.

I said if he couldn't get out of the trip I'm sure we would manage - DD could board, dogs to kennels etc

That doesn't sound like, "Please don't go on the trip because your support at home is required." It sounds like what you said...which is that it's fine for him to go.

Original poster
catalogoferrors · 08/09/2016 08:45

I did say if he couldn't get out of the trip, yes I would cope BUT I did expect him to explain to the client that his son would be in hospital not just that he was busy with other clients etc.

I guess I got what I deserved.

OP posts:
Original poster
catalogoferrors · 08/09/2016 08:49

I only said that DD and I would cope with the practical side of things, I didn't say that DS would be OK with it and it's that I suppose that bugs me the most.

Ohh look, it's becoming an AIBU where when people disagree the OP feels slighted! This is why I haven't been on here very much in the last 7-8 years! Silly me

OP posts: