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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just be resigned to this situation?

44 replies

catalogoferrors · 08/09/2016 01:12

DH and I have DD just started 6th form and DS yr 8.

DS has severe and complex special needs (Learning, Physical, health etc) he is going for some long awaited quite major surgery at the end of this month. It was due to be sometime in Oct but hospital brought it forward with more than four weeks notice.

DH runs his own business and says he had kept X week free in Oct but will be in SA the week of the new surgery date. I didn't pressure him, I said if he couldn't get out of the trip I'm sure we would manage - DD could board, dogs to kennels etc - not for a minute thinking he really would go to SA.

He confirmed tonight that he will be going to SA. I asked him if he explained to client that his 12 yr old son was having major surgery and he said he hadn't mentioned why he had asked to pull out of the job (other staff members are going and COULD manage without him)

Should I kick up a fuss and make him stay? Tbh he really is crap at doing anything remotely useful (apart from running our company) so if DD was here she would have to cook for him. Last time DS had surgery he barely visited (London office 15m walk from hospital) read the paper and fell asleep because he was tired, when I hadn't had an undisturbed night in a week. BUT our DS loves him and will be upset that his Daddy isn't there, particularly when he is cross with me as I've 'made' him have blood/urine/BP tests etc he might just need a parent to love?

Or should I just accept that my DH will never put us first and get on with it? I have no living family to rely on (and his are all ancient/too far to support) so I am used to being on my own as he works away 1/2 each month.

OP posts:

dowhatnow · 08/09/2016 08:54

I think you do have to take some of the blame here, after all you said you would manage.
It doesn't mean he's a horrible person. You are a coper. You've taken control of all the home stuff. It's a pattern you've both fallen into. And if he is on the spectrum then you do have to be explicit and not expect him to be a mind reader.

Learn from this and next time tell him what you expect and why.

dowhatnow · 08/09/2016 08:56

Having said the above, YANBU to hope that he can see how his son might want him to be there. You would also think he would want to be there. That's very disappointing.

situatedknowledge · 08/09/2016 08:56

Obviously in an ideal world he would be there (and "there" for you both) for the op. However from where you are now, perhaps spell out to him how much support you'd like him to give your son when he gets back from the trip. That is, actual time, help him with his recovery etc.

Best wishes for it all. We are in a similar position next week, but DH really has no choice but to be away - explicit request from his new boss.

lalalalyra · 08/09/2016 08:59

I think he's being incredibly selfish. There's a big difference imo between "go, we will be fine" and "if you have to go then we will manage".

However, the comment about your DD having to cook of he stays is ridiculous. If he stays he should the staying to support you and your children, not to make your Dd's life more difficult. Sounds to me like you'll all be better off if he goes away.

Boleh · 08/09/2016 09:09

I think particularly if you suspect he is on the autism spectrum, explaining to him how you would practically cope if you were to go and expecting him to read into that a subtext that you would need him to stay for emotional support is a bit unreasonable - sorry.
Is it too late to sit him down now and explain why you'd like him to stay?
On the other hand, not being able to make his own meals when he can run a business suggests laziness rather than inability and I do think that needs tackling however you feel best to approach it (you know your own household and DH). If he's not good at the emotional support then he can darn well sort out being a useful practical support!
I do also find it an odd contrast that if he is on the spectrum he even wants to go and schmooze clients, I know everyone is different but that would be utter hell for my AS friend (and he'd be rubbish at it!).

pictish · 08/09/2016 09:13

Next time, say what you mean.

trafalgargal · 08/09/2016 09:13

My son is Aspergers and it took me years to realise my ex is also on the spectrum and in your scenario I needed to say No it isn't workable rather than expect him to realise I was wanting him to do the right thing by us.

Well if you have to go we'll cope in his head is .......yes go . Stop expecting him to read social cues when you know he won't. Learn to say No (and I know you shouldn't have to but it might have avoided this situation or got him to compromise with less time away)

Original poster

catalogoferrors · 08/09/2016 09:19

Boleh, I find this odd too. He is thoughtful and considerate to clients to the point of obsequiousness. I'm polite and straightforward, therefore I find obviously smarmy behaviour, even if lighthearted, a little embarrassing.

I'm not sure he's really on the spectrum, who knows? Aren't we all somewhere on it? Most of our life together I've really just presumed he was the product of an old fashioned upper class family upbringing - sent to board at 7 (his mother went at 4!) never hugged or cherished, never quite lived up to his family expectation etc

As for cooking/eating. He would be happy with a bowl of cereal or toast, food is just something to stop hunger. He has very occasionally been to Cook and attempted to make food for me - I am particularly scarred by a raw salmon en croute, he didn't realise you had to preheat the oven. I broke my arm when he was 42 our DD was 2, 10 days before Christmas, 18 people coming for Christmas Dinner and I discovered he had never peeled a vegetable!

OP posts:

Socksey · 08/09/2016 09:31

Different people deal with these things differently.
As someone who has had major and life changing surgery, I am wondering if this is a coping mechanism for him?
Does he perhaps wonder if he is better off working (providing for the family etc) and see this as a real opportunity for that as perhaps he doesn't know how much, if any help he will be hanging around a hospital....
Your DS will need 6 months of recovery... there is plenty of time in there for him to show physical and emotional support without him being there during the actual procedure.

Just another viewpoint...xx

bakeoffcake · 08/09/2016 09:33

My DH runs his own business and has done from a young age and he is a workaholic. His Father was also a workaholic and so his idea of being a dad was rather narrow and shite (his own father only played with his DC once a week after Sunday lunch, fo half an hour)

I learnt very early on after having DC that I had to be very explicit about what DH should be doing as a dad. He really didn't have a clue..

I suggest you tell your h that you expect more from him and be explicit about what you want. If you want him to stay then I'd ask him, say after thinking about things you realise you and your DS need him.

Vulty · 08/09/2016 09:35

Even if you did say it was okay that's not the point! He should know what the right decision is. He should be there for his son, especially if it is what will make your little boy happy. Even if he is useless just him being there is what you all need. I hope he sees sense, What is it with men?! Good luck to your ds

Boleh · 08/09/2016 11:05

OK, so if food isn't his thing then he can buy ready meals and read the instructions unless (at some more convenient time he wants to learn to cook) but then he needs to be taking the household stress off you in some other way. Doing all the washing, vacuuming, something like that - just generally pulling his weight domestically. My dad never ever learned to cook (although like your DH he did try and he was pretty handy with Christmas veg prep) but once the plates hit the table that was mum's bit over, he did all the clearing up, washing up and left the kitchen spotless. There are ways to split chores as long as they are split in a way you feel is fair.
The smarmy behaviour to clients may be so 'crawly' because it is forced and learnt rather than felt or it may be that he puts more effort in with work rather than home. Whether it's being on the spectrum or his upbringing it does sound like (assuming you want to stay together) very clear communication is needed with him. I would say if the guys I've dated, including my DH who I love very much, probably 2/3rds of them would just have heard the practical stuff about how to cope with them being away and seen that as a solution being in place without thinking through the emotional stuff. After realising that this was the case with a lot of men (or at least the ones I'm attracted to) I've started being much more direct about how I am feeling and what my emotional needs are - it seems to work for us. I don't want to project onto you but hopefully your husband would take that on board. If not I'm afraid that would worry me much more.

HuskyLover1 · 08/09/2016 11:15

Last time DS had surgery he barely visited (London office 15m walk from hospital) read the paper and fell asleep because he was tired, when I hadn't had an undisturbed night in a week

Why did you allow such selfish behaviour? He needs a giant kick up the arse.

Time to say tell him what you expect and DEMAND that you get it. No prizes for being subserviant.

Original poster

catalogoferrors · 08/09/2016 13:31

Well I spoke to him, on the phone from another country obviously

It didn't go that well, as predicted by many 'I did say he could go'

I asked him what he had told the client, of some years standing, "well I told them it would be cheaper if I didn't go and that X could manage it without me there." I pointed out that this wasn't the same as telling the client you had a child having surgery and really ought to be there.

I asked him who he would rather explain his absence to.

The conversation deteriorated a bit so I asked him if he ever considered the side effect of decades of non support from him, meaning that I always 'manage', might be that I wake up one morning and wonder what an earth I had need of a husband for?

OP posts:

Mellowautumn · 08/09/2016 13:43

You think he's on the spectrum and you tell him it's fine for him to go and then wonder why he's confused at a conversation about why he shouldn't have gone ?
You also talk to him about years of non support and 'what's a husband for' while he is on a business trip earning money that if he is an Aspie and you have always 'managed' homes and the children - he thinks is his part of the bargain ?

If you are not direct with your needs after having obviously been together for some time - why are you suddenly expecting him to "get" it over this one thing now?

Original poster

catalogoferrors · 08/09/2016 13:44

bakeoff yup, all learnt behaviour from late workoholic father. (He's still trying to prove he is as successful as Him) I can remember his father boasting once that he'd had one year where he was only home for six weeks - although I suppose if your DC are away at school and even if home you'd be shut in your study away from everyone.

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 08/09/2016 13:57

Original poster

catalogoferrors · 08/09/2016 14:04

Thanks barbarian I didn't mean it to be a game, i told him the practical measures I would take to cope in his absence. My exact words to him (yes he quoted them to me earlier!) were, "If you can't get out of it I'm sure we'll manage."

But as he also pointed out, "you said I don't help enough when I'm here and that I fall asleep if I visit the hospital." (Heat? Stress? Avoidance? Who knows) I replied that it would be nice if he raised his game so I could tell him he had really been useful and had helped his family through a difficult time.

OP posts:

TendonQueen · 09/09/2016 00:47

Those seem like valid criticisms to me. Was he 'pointing them out' to say that you've been over-critical? Does he not think himself he could do better for his son?

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