If your parents separated when you were four or five please can you tell me...

[ferriswheel]

...what you remember about the experience?
What you would change about how you experienced that time in your life?
And how it affects you now?

will be going through this soon with my children

My parents split when I was slightly younger. I remember the night my mum said she was leaving and crying myself to sleep for a long time. We were raised equally and I have never seen my parents argue or say a bad word about each other which I have so much respect for. I was thinking about this the other day and if they hadn't split I don't think I would ever have met my husband or had my two gorgeous kids so actually I think I am greatfull oddly.

I was 6 & my brother 4 - I can honestly say I don't know how it affected us as that's how we grew up, we knew no different. I remember a bit of arguing and snapshots of our first house but by brother says he remembers nothing. I do remember being picked up from school and going home to a different house where our stuff was but then I also think I remember seeingbthat house with other people in it so must have known we were moving.
After that we see out Dad every few weeks to a month as he moved away - I think my brother really suffered from a lack of a strong father figure and he was very upset when the stepwankerfather that was around in our terms left. My mum studied then worked full time as a single mum at a time when I knew no other single parent families and I see her as a very strong woman and most of my friends are very strong women who do not take crap from ineffectual men. Ironically I appear to have married one of those and my children are now similar ages to yours OP and I wonder if history might be repeating itself in the not too distant....

I was 6. I remember very little of the split apart from being told when I did cry. My grandma however says I was quite badly affected, I just can't remember.

For me by far the biggest issue was how it was all conducted and that affects me to this day. My parents went for 50:50 which was awful. One week at each meant I never felt I had a home and would wake in a panic some mornings wondering where I was.

My parents had very different rules for the different houses (table manners etc) which I found very confusing so young. I also wasn't allowed so see or contact the other parent during the week I wasn't with them.

My step mum and mum hated each other and to this day I have to pretend that I don't contact my mum because it would upset my step mum too much.

So basically don't make a complete hash of it like my parents . I know most people had more positive experiences than me so I'm sure it can be done well.

Not sure if you still want stories but here goes.

I was 4 when my mum took me and left my dad. I remember nothing about it at all but apparently I did cry at the time.

My DM took me back to live with her parents 100 miles away so I saw my DF for half of every holiday. He also came over to my birthday parties every year. As PPs have said, both were careful not to bitch about the other and once they'd remarried were able to meet halfway for drop offs etc and get along fine. Sadly DF died when I was 25 but I still saw just as much of my DSM and DSBs/Ss as before.

So although my parents split, I say that I am the product of two very happy second marriages.

I'm glad they split - my dad is an arse and we are now Nc. My mother remarried a few years later and my stepfather is a wonderful guy whom I love to bits and who has been a huge positive influence

What was damaging for me was the constant mind games, using us as pawns/messengers etc. My father and his wife behaved terribly - emotional abuse, constant mocking and sniping etc. False reports to ss, that kind of thing. It's left me with severe anxiety even now

If you can co parent effectively, never, ever use the children to hurt each other and always make sure they know they are loved, it should be fine.

My parents managed to avoid arguing in front of us (I was 6, my sister was 4 when my dad had an affair and left my mum for one of her friends) and my mum was always accommodating about us seeing dad once a week and going for a weekend once a month. She encouraged me to keep doing this even when I was a stroppy teenager who wanted to go out with my friends instead. All my friends from school had both parents at home and I envied that, especially as we really struggled financially throughout my childhood whilst my dad had a well paid job but only ever paid the minimum CM.

My mum tells me that the morning after he left I went into the kitchen and made her a cup of chocolate milk and took it to her in bed (because my dad always used to take her a cup of tea in bed first thing) I don't remember that though.

I never felt like my dad's house was my home, and though I got on well with my stepsisters (they were my friends before the split) I didn't feel welcome and my sister and I were always treated differently from them when we were there for a weekend (eg they had somewhere to retreat to whereas we slept on a lilo in the living room so couldn't get away from everyone if we wanted a break) At Christmas my mum would make sure I had something to give to my dad (even if it was just something we made together) despite the fact that she had no money to spare. My dad never did that and I had to save up the very little pocket money I got to get something for my mum.

My sister was a real daddy's girl, and despite all the circumstances surrounding the divorce, blames my mum for it and won't speak to her now Long term, for me, it has left me slightly paranoid about being left in the lurch unable to support my family, and though I am fortunate that we can afford to be a SAHM, I can't relax and enjoy it because I am really anxious about the gap in my CV and not being able to afford to live if anything happens to DH or he leaves.

My parents split when I was 2.5 and my brother was 4/5, so this is more about what I saw my brother go through than myself. Now first off my brother was (is) a very sensitive soul, which I'm sure had a big part to play in his experience.

Firstly we did see fights before the break-up. I know my brother was extremely invested emotionally in this fighting as he used to spirit me away when there were rows and tell me everything would be okay and not to worry. In retrospect he clearly felt he had some degree of control or responsibility in the situation. When they did split he started having extreme reactions at primary school and pushed a little boy through a hedge for teasing him. Which swiftly saw him suspended and us moved schools. I found out some years later he had weekly counselling sessions through most of primary school to help manage his emotions, but it was clearly a very painful and difficult process for him, and one he felt a considerable amount of guilt and responsibility for. We were both angry and erratic as teens, but who's to say how much of that was personality or playing up to divorced parents, or the upshot of past traumas?

He's a wonderful adult now; calm, kind, generous, never angry or aggressive. I think I am too! No bitterness or regret for our childhoods on either of our parts as far as I know. I think we both feel our parents took the decisions they felt they had to make, and we accept and respect them for that. But I know it wasn't easy for my brother. Just in case you do find things are more difficult than you anticipate, don't be afraid to find support for your children - it doesn't mean you're making the wrong decision, but they may need it. I know my brother did.

I think I was about 5 when they split up and about 7 when dad remarried. At no point did either parent explain to me what was going on, it was as though they hoped I wouldn't notice.
To this day I still don't know why they split up and have never felt able to ask.
My parents often used to moan about/criticise each other in front of me.
I have never felt properly at home at my dad's house. I would still never ask for or help myself to a drink or food, it always feels like I have to be on best behaviour. I realise now that this was because my mum always made me dress smartly and drilled me in behaving nicely etc rather than because my dad/stepmum were unwelcoming. I think my mum worried it would reflect badly on her if I turned up looking scruffy or was naughty.
This was in the 1980s and I was the only one in my class with divorced parents. Other kids found it a bit strange and said I didn't have a dad. I don't think that would happen now, I think different family set ups are much more normal!

The only thing I remember from when my mam and dad were together is the screaming rows. My dad shouting and my mam chucking things. Being in the living in the dark with my sister and too scared to turn the light on in case they started shouting at us.
The night they split for good - we were woken up by my mam and dad arguing and shouting. I think my dad was drunk (he's an alcoholic and I think he always has been) and had hit my mam but I can't be sure. We crept downstairs (it must have been louder than usual) and made our way towards my dad but my mam shouted at us to get away from him because "he's a bastard". Then we walked through the streets in the middle of the night to go and stay with my aunty. I was 4 but still remember it really clearly.
We stayed there for a few weeks and then moved in with my nan until my mum got a house of her own, met, moved in with and married my step-dad. Life was then calm and quiet, even when my younger brother and sister were born. There were rarely any arguments until we were teenagers and I felt safe.
We had to go to stay at my dad's every Saturday night until Sunday afternoon but I hated it. I never felt safe with my dad, even though he didn't shout at us or hurt us. He used to leave us on our own whilst he went to the pub - by this point I was only about 8. I used to stay up and worry about whether he'd come home or not and whether he'd fall and crash about and hurt himself again. I used to dread the weekends.
I'm glad that they split up and that we didn't grow up with the constant fights, arguments and violence. Despite everything, my parents are still on friendly terms and look back at their relationship with some fondness (!) and I do have a relationship with my dad, albeit not a particularly close one. My step-dad was a much better father figure and his relationship with my mam was healthy and close, which I think had helped me look for similar as an adult. I was devastated when he died last year and miss him terribly.

I was 4 and my sister was 1, I honestly have no recollection of it.
It was just always we lived with mum and stayed with dad at the weekend.

I'm now 28, they can't stand each other even now so I can imagine our lives would have been very different if they had decided to star together for the sake of my sister and I.

I only saw my dad once in the first year after the divorce and I just missed him so so much. When I did see him I could tell how lonely he was.

I don't remember the house being unhappy before we left him but I suppose it was. I just remember my life suddenly changing.

I'm ok now. I had a fair bit of therapy in my 20s that was really useful for acknowledging that at 5 I lost my dad and I never really got him back - I visited but would rather have had a 50/50 deal.

My parents split up when I was about 3 and my brother was 5. I don't remember much, only that we lived with Mum and saw Dad at weekends.

We were very lucky as our parents were, and still are, good friends and we saw our Dad very regularly, even when my Mum remarried when I was about 6.

I actually feel that our situation worked out best for everyone in the end. My mum could have stayed but then they both would have ended up miserable. I don't think they argued much and even if they did, I have no recollection of it, neither does my brother.

My parents split up when I was three. I remember when they lived together, and I remember when Mum and I went to look around a house which we moved into. I also remember the moving day, but partly because I got to sit in the front of Mum's car for the first time (shh, it was the early 1980s...).

There were tensions at times but generally it was amicable. I spent every Wednesday night at Dad's because Mum worked late, and I probably saw him at weekends too. The worst time for me was when Mum and I moved to another city 70 miles away when I was 9 and I missed Dad horribly. It got easier when I was about twelve or thirteen and was trusted to take the train across on my own alternate weekends.

I had school friends whose parents divorced after years of tension and arguments. I had two university friends whose parents split up after 'staying together for the children' and they were both in shock because they had no idea there were problems. I have always been really grateful that my parents separated when they did because it almost certainly saved awful tension and arguments at home.

My "mother" kidnapped me when i was six.

She waited until my father was away working and then emptied the joint bank account of all bar £30, packed up half the house and then spirited me away - i was in school one day and a new one 100 miles away the next Monday.

My 7th birthday, a couple of months later, i got 15 minutes with my dad in a car park at a bowling alley - no matter how much i begged he was not allowed in to bowl with me.

The next couple of years are characterized by him trying to see us and the police being called to the door by her (for no reason i can fathom other than he was refusing to leave) and relentless bullying in my new school - i'm told by my grandparents that they watched me through the railings on the first day as i stood totally alone and crying. They wanted to sweep me up and take me home but didn't dare.

The whole episode has affected me badly - i have ongoing mental health issues and weight problems from years of comfort eating (due to "mother" ignoring my growing MH problems and me using chocolate as a form of self-medication)

I am now NC with the woman, but not due to this incident in and of itself - more the self-serving attitude that underlay it.
A string of her random boyfriends were in and out of my life, when i finally found out i could choose where to live and moved back to my fathers she had a hysterical screaming fit about how i was leaving her and she couldn't cope (I was miserable and i needed to go, had i stayed where the bullies were i would probably have committed suicide by now)and a constant need to be worshiped.