If your parents separated when you were four or five please can you tell me...

[ferriswheel]

...what you remember about the experience?
What you would change about how you experienced that time in your life?
And how it affects you now?

will be going through this soon with my children

I was six or seven so I do remember it. Dad told me he was leaving and I remember every word. My world just vaporised.

Afterwards was traumatic because mum was crying a lot and he was a git over money. He also slagged her off.

But funnily enough we are a strong family, all quite close now and he's a much better grandad than he was dad. Mum built a strong unit in his absence so we felt safe and loved. It's very possible. I actually think our family functions better than many of thenuclear families my friends come from.

My advice would be don't slag off the other party. Ever. Make sure the DCs are at home in both houses even if they don't spend 50pc of their time in each place. And make friends with ex DP in time for grauduation/wedding photos.

I was 6 when my parents seperated, and I was really happy. "D"M was always "weird" (drug use), and when she left the family me and DSibs were all much happier with just DF in the frame. He was (and is) DF, DM and more to us.

This is really helpful. Thank you. Anymore?

I was 7 1/2 and I don't remember any of it. I remember being just with mum and seeing dad at weekends. That was my normal. I don't remember my dad being at home at all.

Like a pp the biggest thing for me was my mum. She never slagged off my dad just said that it was very sad but they couldn't live together anymore. The line I recall was that she told us something like mummy and daddy both love you dearly but had been getting too cross at each other. We didn't want you to live in a house with fighting because it isn't nice for anybody.

I only remember being sad about some
Of the shit my dad pulled in later years.

My mum told me more of the story as I got older but only when I asked things. She kept a diary of everything (in case she had to go to court although it wasn't needed in the end) and I remember reading it when I was in my teens. She was very matter of fact, truthful but not vindictive and never commented on his character. She let me make my own mind up and forge a relationship with him on my own terms.

It has worked well as I have a good relationship with both my parents. My dad knows he was a twat but my step mum has straightened him out. We have been able to talk things through and forge a good relationship.

I remember the new found peaceful feeling, and thinking my dad's new flat was cool. I always tell people that I truly believe it didn't affect me. I still believe that. If it's the right thing to do, then it's the right thing to do. Support the children and they'll be happy and as emotionally stable as any other jolly TV family.

My parents separated when I was 6, and my brother was 5. It was actually quite a relief, as there had been a lot of arguments, mainly due to my father's drinking.
I remember being very anxious that I would be asked who I wanted to live with - I really wanted to stay with my Mum, who was much more stable, but was worried about hurting dad's feelings. In the end, I wasn't asked to decide, but lived with my Mum. I saw dad frequently until I was a teenager, when he moved 100 miles away, and after that it was school holidays or occasional weekends. While I was young, he lived very nearby, ( next road) and contact wasn't formal but whenever I felt like it, so I could pop in after school. That worked well for me, and I think for my parents. I didn't stay overnight often, but that was my choice. Like a lot of men in those days, Dad wasn't really much good at catering to children - he was good fun and interesting to talk to, but wouldn't necessarily have much of a routine ( mealtimes, bedtimes) and it was more about doing what he wanted. I was very aware that Mum was the one who organised our lives, made sure we had the right stuff for school, friends birthday parties, doctors appointments etc, and didn't really feel like my father was an adult to be relied on.
I hated it when we didn't know what was happening - I think they ( Mum) felt that adults disagreements should be kept away from us as much as possible, but actually I would rather they had been honest with us from the outset.

My parents separated when I was 18 and I wish they had separated when I was young and could have been kept away from the bitching over divorce proceedings. If you have an unhappy marriage believe me you child will be happier with two happy but separate living parents than two parents who argue their entire childhood. Please don't worry about your child I think young children are good at accepting situations better than adults sometimes as long as you love them that's all they need

I was 7, my sister was 4. It has had absolutely no negative impact on our lives. My parents get on very well tho which obviously makes a huge difference. If you can stay on good terms or at least appear that way to your kids so they don't feel stuck in the middle. Good luck, hope it all works out for you

I was four. I don't remember being given a specific reason but I do remember being relieved as they used to have a lot of shouts arguments before that and it was very tense. So when they separated there was a palpable change in hep thing felt, which was good.

As far as I was aware they remained on good terms, they were always civil to each other when I saw them together (when my dad was picking me up) and my mum never bad-mouthed my dad. As an adult, I figured out for myself he was an idiot and now have no contact with him, but I'm grateful to my mum for letting me see this for myself! I'm not sure I could be as dignified about the whole thing as she was!

Mine have never really spoken in 35 years. My mum made it clear that my dad was a terrible person which was very damaging when she followed it by telling me how similar I was to him. They made all sorts of mistakes which made life unhappy. Following their split I felt like I never belonged again. I guess I was a daddy's girl whose daddy wasn't there any more.

So, advice I would offer is

Very very important to maintain as good a relationship as possible with your stbxh.

Try to be as nice to each other and about each other as you can. No snidey comments.

Never make your dc feel guilty about spending time with the other parent

Try to remember that you and your dh chose to be together and the dc were born out of love. It's OK to tell them that the love is not there any more but I think important for dc to know that they were wanted and loved by both parents

Be open and honest with dc. They can sniff out lies and game playing very easily and it just makes them feel insecure.

Relationships with other family members such as grandparents and aunties etc become even more important so that the dc can talk openly about what's happening.

Make sure that other family members aren't being critical of the other parent.

Never ever use your child as a weapon to prove a point. I've seen parents let dc go to school without PE kit etc so that it reflects badly on other parent.

Your dc may need counselling or support from school. They may be fine. But be open to the fact that it's possible.

Listening to the dc is pretty important.

Good luck with it all. My parents did as bad a job as is possible and I've turned out OK. I'm convinced it wasn't the separation but the way it was handled that made it miserable. I've seen friends and colleagues do it brilliantly - spending important occasions together, helping each other out, etc. It's very much possible.

Thank you everyone. I do know that it will be better for the kids. It is comforting to hear so many positive stories.

I was 3.5 and my brother was 6 when my parents seperated. I'm obviously not the norm but I remember all of it. It may be due to the strange circumstances though but as a 30-something year old I DO remember. I remember my dad begging mum not to go. I remember thinking my mum was some kind of superhero cos she managed to get mine and brothers mattresses strapped on top of her car. I remember my big brother crying thinking he'd done something wrong. I was wearing one of those kiddies necklaces.... purple plastic flowers on elastic, and white sandals. I remember arriving at another house and meeting some man I'd never met. There was a cake saying welcome to your new home.

I wasn't distressed at the time, but confused that I suddenly had a new house and step dad! My mum never explained to me.

I never really accepted my step dad. He was just some random.

But the image of my dad begging my mum not to go is still clear in my mind.

People split. I understand. Better that than an unhappy, unhealthy marriage!

So, the only advice I would give is that your child shouldn't witness the moment that you say its over. And please explain! Don't let them be in the dark and confused like I was. I think I would have been so much more accepting of the situation had my mum just explained that mummy and daddy weren't very good friends anymore so weren't going to live together but that they both loved us still etc etc. (And would probs help if there wasn't some long stading affair with a bedroom all ready and decorated in a different house and some man that was my 'new dad'... when I write it down it all just sounds so ridiculous!)

I was 4yo and my brother 6 months old. I don't remember my parents being together at all.

My mum has been amazing and never, ever, said a bad word about Dad (nor Dad about mum to be fair). He had an affair and ultimately a child with that lady, I remember visiting her when she had the baby. It must have been so hard for mum, Dad refused to see me or my brother for a few years and she continued to send him pictures and updates. He eventually got back in touch when I was in junior school.

Now, 33 years later, we have get togethers and Christmas meals out with mum and her partner, Dad and his partner. Mum started it actually as when we had DD she wanted to make it easier for us to see everyone in a short weekend visit. She started with inviting him and his partner out to a restaurant for a Christmas meal. Mum was sat one end of a long table and Dad the other end, me and bro in the middle keeping the conversation going. It was awkward at first but DD broke the ice a bit (she was about 3yo) and now we do it every year, mum also hosts BBQs in the summer when we visit too. I think because both mum and dad are happy with their lives now, it's much easier for everyone to to get along, both are really happy, both have nice lives. I think if there was a difference in how they were doing, then it would be harder.

The impact on me is that I found it very weird seeing my FIL in his PJs (when I first starting dating DH and stayed at their house). I'd never seen a dad in pyjamas before as we never stayed at my dad's house. I also find it hard being a wife as I'm quite strong willed and like my own things (just like my mum), only mum was on her own so could do that, I'm married and therefore need to take DH into consideration. I don't think an unhappy marriage between mum and dad would have improved that though.

I remember the day too. Vividly. I begged mum not to leave dad.
She left a note and we left. I wanted to leave him some flowers I'd picked and she said no

I was 6 and I don't really remember my parents being together. I have vague memories of being surprised that they split up but have no recollection of being particularly distraught about it. We saw dad on the weekend and went on holiday with him sometimes and it was just our normal. I think that the idea of 50/50 shares care is terrible, I would have hated it and think that even if it works for the parent it's highly disruptive to the child.

How does it affect me now? It doesn't really. My parents aren't on good terms but on the rare occasions they see each other they are civil. They never slagged each other off but I got the sense that I shouldn't talk about each of them to the other but overall it's not an issue in my life. I'm married and happy

Oh but mum was honest about Dad having an affair. She didn't ram it down our throats but there was an honesty about what had happened. I guess it probably started in a much more age appropriate way, but I've always known. If anything I appreciate that my mum and her family are tricky at times and dad didn't handle that the best way. I think because mum was never nasty about dad, it's made me realise there are two sides, she was simply honest about the affair not dragging all the other nasty stuff into it. That has helped my marriage in some ways.

I'd definitely agree with age appropriate honesty and having an eye to 30 years in the future. How do you want your DCs wedding to be like if your XH is there? What about visiting grandchildren if you and XH remain in the same town?

Oh yeah, I should probably add that I'm not some crazy lady still mulling over my parents separation! I'm relatively sane, have been married for 9 years, have 3 children, house, job etc. I'm not bitter. Its just one of those things. But I did have a conversation with my mum when I was about 18 and told her how angry I was at how she'd handled it. She couldn't see the problem but then, she never listens to anyone elses opinions so meh

I remember absolutely nothing. I was 5, and I have no recollection of ever living with my father.

I agree with what others have said. My parents were high conflict and I had 50/50 until I left home. From my experience:

• don't make your DC your emotional support or confidante about the split, don't slag off your ex constantly, don't get your DC to lie for you, don't force them to pass on your messages about maintenance, legal issues etc, don't grill them for details about your ex's love life (particularly when you've made it clear your DC can't discuss your own), don't involve the courts if you can avoid it, don't complain to your DC about your legal costs if you do. Also don't ignore or argue with your ex at drop offs, nor make your DC travel alone so you can avoid seeing your ex.

Do let your DC have activities or go to birthday parties etc and generally maintain their friendships, clubs and own interests within your contact time, Do try to give your DC a genuinely neutral adult that they can talk to. Do ask them yourself how they feel about it all and don't judge their answers. Do review contact arrangements every so often- 50/50 was always bad but as a teenager it was dire and was apparently unchangeable.

The seperation was fine it's the shittiness after that has affected my relationships and parenting, in some bad ways (and probably in some good ways too).

OP You sound like you're going to be putting your kids feelings first, because you are thinking about this, which is great. Best of luck to you.

My dad left when I was four or five. I was certainly in my first year at school.

My father told my older siblings he was leaving but not me.

As a teenager it clearly made my mum ill every time he visited to collect us. But as a teenager I couldn't see why she couldn't 'get over it'. It made all my dad's contact very stressful.

Later, as a young adult, my mum told me how he had behaved towards her as their marriage broke down, when I told her 'how difficult' her behaviour had been ...

I'm fifty and I still have a lot of sadness with my dad.

My parents split when I was 5/6. Mum and I moved into the new house she had built, he didn't, that was that. I don't remember any conversation about him not coming but it must've happened! I do remember asking one night was it my fault he left and mum explaining that of course it wasn't. Hilarious in hindsight because he's useless and it was her that left him. They ended on very good terms and dad never had me stay with him so I didn't have to divide myself at all. She never ever badmouthed him to me, 25 years later she will still defend him if I'm mad at him. They are very good friends, well they're quite odd really. She takes care of all his finances and any paperwork or adulty things he needs, he calls to her house at least 4 times a week despite having had several long term girlfriends.

Staying civil and never saying a bad thing about the other parent is key, and still have a united front as parents, that's very important.

I'm heartened to read this as I'm going through separation at the moment. Me and exDH are working extremely hard to keep the kids at the centre of our worlds.
I've learned to hold my tongue, to bite words back so that the atmosphere is less tense
Dd & DS1 both say it's not as bad as they had expected. DS2 doesn't seem as affected (he's 5)
I'll not be complacent though and will take each day as it comes and love my kids with all my heart.

to all of you. Wishing you happy lives with your loved ones.

Hi Op

I'm going to come in slightly differently here, and say that I wish they had. I'm now 31 and they are still together, but only because they don't believe that their generation does divorce.
It breaks my heart to see my Dad so desperately unhappy. I have had 2 years of antidepressants and therapy to deal with issues from my childhood. I can remember tension, arguments, never being played with by mum, Dad being given days of silent treatment by her. It's a nasty nasty situation to be bought up in.

I'm currently going through my own divorce due to soon to be ex Husbands adultery. Whilst it's an utterly shitty situation that I didn't ever expect to find myself in, I can truly say that I've blossomed since we split. It's not easy, but if it's what you truly need to do, head up, hold your kids tight and do it.

If you want to get in touch for a chat, lease do. Really good luck moving forwards xx