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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a fifth child at nearly 40?

34 replies

Conniedescending · 07/09/2016 08:11

I turn 40 next year, DH is five years older. We have 4 between the ages of 14 and 9. We mused about a fifth for 2-3 years after our youngest but I went back to work full time and built up my career, we focused on moving to a larger home etc.

Last year I had an unexpected pg which ended in mc at 9 weeks. Was gutted and considered a termination but ultimately we had decided to go ahead when I had the miscarriage. We talked a couple of months later but DH was very firm he didnt want another child. His age, the ages of our children, next stage of life etc. I agreed at the time although if he'd have said he wanted to I would have gone with it. I've tried to move on in my head and get back to feeling baby days are over but I can't. I'm 40 next year and thinking I have limited time. Not sure whether to bring up the discussion again but need to be clear in my own thoughts before I even suggest it to DH. All a bit muddled but any thoughts?

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 07/09/2016 08:15

You're not U but I would talk to DH first not last. If he doesn't want another then it isn't even an option so that will really inform you getting your head straight on your feelings.

NicknameUsed · 07/09/2016 08:17

YABU. Sorry, I'm with your husband on this. In what positive way is another child going to impact on the lifestyle you currently have?

What about the children you already have? Would they want another sibling?
Why isn't 4 enough?

123MothergotafleA · 07/09/2016 08:19

You must be a millionaire, right? To have four healthy children already is quite an achievement.
Presumably you will want them educated to degree level, just think what the fees will cost for five children!
That's a "no" from me.

YelloDraw · 07/09/2016 08:23

That's a no from me too. Your children are getting to the stage where they are going to need quite a bit of support from you through exams etc at secondary school and you've got uni etc to pay for. How is having a baby going to have a positive impact on your 4 existing children?

Amelie10 · 07/09/2016 08:30

I think Yabu too and agree with your DH. Your kids are at the age where they are independent and why would you want to go back to starting over again. I can absolutely see your DH point. Besides you have 4 healthy kids already, that's enough to be grateful for.

Mittensonastring · 07/09/2016 08:41

I'm one of six and all of us to a person are anti large families. Our childhood was bizarre for non standard reasons, Mother was on the stage and a professional model but even if you are the loveliest Mother on earth you cannot ever give each child the individual attention they deserve.

pinkdelight · 07/09/2016 08:45

Reading between the lines, it seems like it might be more of an unresolved response to the miscarriage than something as huge and life-altering as having another DC at this stage. It sounds like until that happened you had none of these feelings and a happy equilibrium. It's understandable, but better to work on resolving those feelings (through reading, counselling, whatever works for you) rather than focusing on a baby as the solution.

Vlier · 07/09/2016 08:56

I don't think you are too old or that five is too many (if you can handle it) but your husband really has to agree. Talk to him but if he doesn't want any more then you have to forget about it. It would be U to fight about it when you have a nice family with four kids. Everybody has to get the babystage behind them at some point.

RhiWrites · 07/09/2016 08:59

Have you considered grief counselling? It sounds as though you're mourning the baby you lost.

Jackie0 · 07/09/2016 15:12

This is about the miscarriage OP.
I'm so sorry you experienced that.
Another baby isn't the solution

Hockeydude · 07/09/2016 15:26

I agree you are understandably grieving still. This is to be expected but I don't think having another baby would be the solution. I would focus on the four you have already to be honest.

MakeItStopNeville · 07/09/2016 15:37

I was desperate for a 5th baby as I approached the big 4-0. DH flatly refused as a) 4 are expensive enough and b) having had ours relatively young, he was looking forward to being relatively young when they had all left home. In our case, he was right and I'm relieved now.

Interestingly, DC2 is 15 and has a close friend whose mum has just had a baby. DC's friend has really struggled with it. The baby has several health issues so she doesn't want to burden her mum with any of her own worries. Poor kid is really quite lost right now. But that's just one example.

missbishi · 07/09/2016 15:40

Rather unfair to the other DC. Crying babies in the early hours and demanding, noisy toddlers won't help their studies.

HuskyLover1 · 07/09/2016 15:43

Oh gosh, I really wouldn't. I think the mc is what's making you feel this way. By the time you are 45, it would just be starting Primary school. Do you want to be parenting school aged children until you are 58?

I am 46 and DH is 43, and ours are now both at Uni. Funnily enough, someone today asked my DH if we would have more children! No chance! Looking forward to exotic holidays and less responsibility, tbh.

Another worry I'd have for you, is that you have 4 healthy children. Imagine if the 5th one wasn't healthy (statistically more likely the older you get). Your whole life will be disrupted.

ElspethFlashman · 07/09/2016 15:46

Well I don't think you're too old (I'm going to be parenting school age kids till 58 and I give no fucks) but if your DH isn't down with it then that's that.

And he has good reason - 4 is a lot to handle and 10 years of a gap would be a shock to the system.

RunningLulu · 07/09/2016 15:54

My mum was your age when she had her 4th, and I was 14. She was so bloody knackered all the time that it was me who ended up caring for the other kids (dinners, washing, cleaning, bathing - I even went to parents evenings). I was also studying for my GCSEs at the same time. It was all so stressful I went through a breakdown at 18.

I love my youngest brother but do wish my mum had stopped to think of us before she had him. Maybe our relationship would have been better.

wineandsunshine · 07/09/2016 15:56

I would say your definitely not too old! Four are hard work, cost money etc but if you are sure you do then sit down with DH and have a proper chat about it. Life is too short to keep worrying.

NicknameUsed · 07/09/2016 22:23

"Do you want to be parenting school aged children until you are 58? "

Grin I'm 58 this year, and DD is 16.

I'm inclined to agree that unresolved issues from the miscarriage are what has triggered this desire for another child. I don't think sitting down with the husband is going to persuade him to have another child.

WhatsMyNameNow · 07/09/2016 23:03

I'd say no too. Your DH would be in his late sixties before the youngest leaves home and possibly older.

teatowel · 07/09/2016 23:23

I would think it would be hard on the four children you already have and quite tough to be the little one. All the lovely things you have done /will do as a family will never be quite the same for the youngest one. The family Christmas's and holidays will be almost over by the time he /she is7 . You will have an only child for many years. You need to be sure that is what you really want.

SandyY2K · 07/09/2016 23:39

You'll find you loose a lot of freedom with a baby. I know there are some older mums, but you already have 4 DC.

I've got friends whose mums had a child later and it impacts on them. They end up babysitting reluctantly so much and have nothing in common with their younger sibling. They complained that it seemed to make the family regress.

I'm with your DH. Kids are expensive.

Yorkieheaven · 07/09/2016 23:53

We have 4 and had last 2 when older ones were 9/10. It was tough and I was 36 so younger than you.

It's tough physically on your body and juggling teens and toddlers is tricky. Doable but tricky.

Think long and hard op. 4 healthy kids are a gift. You may not be so lucky next time.

Anna2000 · 08/09/2016 00:12

We've got five and life is great. How odd to suggest that the older kids would suffer if a sibling came along or that somehow life would be less enjoyable for the youngest.

Connie, like the first poster suggested, you will have to talk to your husband, otherwise you will always think about what might have been. And I agree that you should not wait until you have made up your mind - you should discuss and come to a decision together.

NicknameUsed · 08/09/2016 06:43

Not odd at all. I expect most 14 year olds would resent the assumption that they will be available to babysit for free whenever mum wanted her to.

jellybeans · 08/09/2016 07:52

Yanbu. I was in your position except my m/c was at 21 weeks and i was a few years younger. You can never ever replace a baby (I lost 4) but for me, trying again healed some pain and allowed us to move forward. It was absolutely the right decision for us. No words can express the joy we both have felt since DS birth. DH had been ambivalent before but for me it was a need to get pregnant. This is very common after loss, I had it 4 times. So you will find most people just don't get it. If it was me I would try again.

My 5th baby was such a hard baby and never slept, was in /out hospital but we were just so thrilled to have him we didn't care. Costs are huge with 5 (4 of mine teens now) but it is doable with planning. Same for quality time. I did a degree whilst DC 5 was small and now retraining.

Good luck!

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