Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

I have refused to go on a course on DS's birthday

80 replies

MamaGrr · 02/02/2007 10:21

Work want me to go on a course in London on DS's 3rd birthday - 9.00am until 5.30pm and I live in Cumbria!

I have refused to go.

I don't actually think I'm being unreasonable, although my boss did a face but I really wnated to post a thread in this subject

OP posts:

Marshon · 02/02/2007 14:05

This situation provides the working mum with the ultimate dilema. I think if you can get away with it without a serious back-lash then refuse to go on the course (as you have).

Read this and it'll help you feel better about your decision:

I knew of a woman who worked for the NHS for her entire working life and gradually won herself a really high position. After about 35 years of employment, they made her redundant without even a letter of thanks. She went to her bosses and told then she had always put the NHS above her family and made work a priority. And what for? Nothing. At the end of the day they just booted her out when she had served her purpose and showed no loyalty. To the NHS she was just a number. I always told myself this when I had to make a work life/private life decision.

Your company may not be as ruthless as this on the outside, but believe me every establishment would put the businesses interests before an employees if it came down to it. Sorry to by synical, but it's the truth. That's why I work for myself now.

I hope you enjoy the day with your little girl.

PeachyClair · 02/02/2007 14:17

I remember this all too well- missed ds1's 3rd birthday on a curse in London for 2 days (had to elave him at 3.30 that morning to get there). I did sauy at the interview, ehn asked if I wuld worka way that I would as long as it wasnt their birthdays, but I'd been ill for the course before and felt I ahd to go.

Now is 4 years later and I doA) acknowledge it amde no difference to him whatsoever
B) wish to heck I'd refused, because its a little bit missing I can never have back

puddle · 02/02/2007 14:21

I always take the day off on the kids birthdays.

Partly because I usually have loads to do

divamumdiva · 02/02/2007 14:31

well, 3rd birthday is still very important, thing diferent if its was 13th or 23rd birthday, he should have give you face. you are not being unreasonable, i will do the same.

Original poster

MamaGrr · 02/02/2007 14:33

I had a bad time at work a few years ago, at a company where I'd worked my ASS off, going back full time after having DD, working through the night sometimes, weekends etc only to be shit on from a great height.

I vowed then NEVER to let work come first, and I don't.

Thanks all

OP posts:

Blu · 02/02/2007 16:21

[fierce boss emoticon]

unknownrebelbang · 02/02/2007 16:37

I would refuse to go in these circumstances, in fact my immediate manager wouldn't even ask if he realised it clashed with a family birthday like this.

Would also expect DH to refuse, although sometimes he does have to work on their birthdays.

Judy1234 · 02/02/2007 16:50

"I've always had to work on dd1s birthday and I've never thought not to.
think it's a bit odd that you have refused to go"

I was going to write what hana wrote.

oresumably i t's just your bad planning. Had you 5 months ago put it down for annual leave they couldn't impose it on you. Or did you do that and now they're forcing you to change long arranged holiday plans?

Original poster

MamaGrr · 02/02/2007 16:55

I'm not taking the day as holiday, its the course I don't want to go on as I would have to travel down the night before and wouldn't get home until almost midnight.

I will be going to work as usual for the day.

Its unusual for me to be sent on a course which is why I didn't plan for it - and the partner in charge of my department was happy for me to go on the same course later in the year (in Manchester!).

OP posts:

prufrock · 02/02/2007 16:56

But they're not asking her just to work - they are asking her to be away from home overnight and work/travel for work until midnight the next day. In those circumstances I think you are entirely justified in saying no - just as I think you would be entirely unjustified in refusing to go on a course on your childrens birthday if it was held within normal workig hours.

Blu · 02/02/2007 16:58

[fierce AND NASTY boss emoticon]

Is it the corporate team building they want you to do?

tracyk · 02/02/2007 16:58

tbh - I wouldn't make a big fuss of my ds 3rd bday (coming up in March) - if it is a work day. His bday will just be the weekend before or after the event. He'll get a cake etc at nursery - but we'll make a fuss on the weekend.

Judy1234 · 02/02/2007 16:59

Okay, in that case it's just a question of what is culturally normal in different families. Some go in for birthdays as a big thing and others don't or celebrate them at the weekends when both parents are free, no homework to do, relaxed day etc which is what we always did. Depends if you want to annoy your employer or not. A 3 year old in 3 years time won't know one way or the other whether you were there but it's obviously important to you, something a lot of people won't agree with because it doesn't feel as important to them.

Original poster

MamaGrr · 02/02/2007 16:59

yes blu

tracyk - even if you wouldn't see your child AT ALL on his birthday?

OP posts:

Blu · 02/02/2007 17:02

Oh definitely do the same course later in manchester.....

Blu · 02/02/2007 17:03

My assistant and I organised outdoor ice skating and then consumption of terrifying quantities of cuban cocktails for our organisation to bond over....

Judy1234 · 02/02/2007 17:04

Yes, often away on their birthdays. 5 children over 22 years both of us always working full time, of course you often miss birthdays. The sky doesn't fall in. It's only a big thing if you make it so and the children have a lovely party at a weekend when you know work is unlikely to intrude. So may be changing the mind set so someone doesn't mind about it is the best way to ensure the problem doesn't arise against over the next 20 years when clashes occur.

Original poster

MamaGrr · 02/02/2007 17:04

I'llt hink of you when I'm on the raft

OP posts:

Original poster

MamaGrr · 02/02/2007 17:05

Different strokes for different folks Xenia. You're obviously much more of a career person than me

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 02/02/2007 17:08

Yes, that's true. There are people who have to get home before the sun goes down on Friday for religious reasons who will always make that a priority. Others who would never dream of working on Sundays. Others who have a day off to grieve on the anniversary of a parent's death or whatever. My sister is going to have to do some work away from home on her/her twins birthday and it's a big thing and she doesn't want to do it exactly for your reasons. So we were just talking about this very issue how to her to miss a birthday is just so absolutely dreadful and to me it's neither here nor there when you celebrate it. in fact some religions people don't have a birthday celebration at all or they celebrate their saint's day instead or whatever.

pointydog · 02/02/2007 17:16

when I had a job with more flexibility in terms of holidays I would often take the day off. Seemed important ot me when they were very young but now they have school and I don't have flexibility and it doesn't bother me. We still make sure they enjoy their birthdays.

Agree with blu

tracyk · 02/02/2007 17:20

What does your dh do Mamagrr? could he bring ds to London with you and you could stay an extra night and have a nice time in London?

Original poster

MamaGrr · 02/02/2007 17:24

DH would have a panic attack if i took him to London

Also DD has school that day, so he needs to be at home to take her.

My BIG boss isn't bothered, he's happy and understands (has kids himself), it jsut my imemdiate (childless) boss who -ed a bit.

OP posts:

wheresthehamster · 02/02/2007 17:29

I can't IMAGINE what it must be like to miss a birthday. Especially as you won't be there when he wakes up.
Next year dd1 will be in Russia on her 16th birthday and already I feel sad that she won't be here with us.

EllieKwithabigbump · 02/02/2007 17:32

i didn't see ds on his birthday, he was on holiday with his daddy, i know it's different but tbh i didn't see it as an issue, he had no idea he wasn't seeing me on his actual birthday, we just did it the day before

Flip

1 2 3 4