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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sad DD will most likely have a half-sibling

70 replies

littleredridinghood67 · 06/09/2016 01:12

Hey all;

I am 26 years old and have a 5 year old DD.

When DD was around 3 1/2; I fell pregnant, but later decide to terminate as I was in a horrible abusive relationship with DD's dad and didn't want to bring another child into a fucked up situation. Due to the abortion; it made me think of my future plans with DD's dad and I finally broke off the relationship. We do not hear from him.

I've been reading on the net that some children feel left out if they are the only "full" sibling amongst their half siblings. I'm feeling so sad as I had a chance to give DD a full sibling; but I didn't want to take that chance due to the situation with DD's dad.

I don't know whether I did the right thing.

OP posts:

ladyformation · 06/09/2016 08:53

I have one half sibling and one full sibling. I never think of them as anything but my siblings. Which has occasionally caused hilarity when I take someone new to a family gathering and my older sibling mentions something about "my dad" (meaning his bio dad, rather than "dad", meaning our dad who raised him) leading to a lot of confusion for my guest, because I would just never think to bring it up beforehand....

We all always knew, it has just never mattered to any of us. And that's because of our parents. You can do the same whatever happens in the future

Liiinoo · 06/09/2016 09:00

OP - you mention wanting to get rid of your feelings of jealousy. Perhaps it might help to bear in mind the phrase 'there is no such thing as a wrong emotion'. You feel what you feel, you cannot alter feelings although they might change over time.

It seems logical and appropriate that you are jealous of friends who have what you have longed for and have lost, not just the baby and a sibling for your DD, but their loving supportive relationships and certain futures. It's ok to be jealous - what wouldn't be ok is to behave badly towards those friends because of your jealousy and it doesn't read as if you are doing that.

What comes across from your posts is guilt. Guilt over the termination, guilt over imagined future possible harm to your DD, guilt over the jealousy.
Have you always been the sort of person that assumes what you do is wrong and assumes responsibility for the ills of the world or is that a legacy from your abusive relationship?

Your post tells me you are a loving and protective mum who did her best to protect both your unborn child and your DD and who always puts other people before herself, but my thinking that won't help you feel happier. I think some counselling might help you - are there any community agencies near you that offer low cost services?

Lessstressedhemum · 06/09/2016 09:07

I have 5 kids, 2 are full siblings, 3 are full siblings as well, so lots of "halves". You would never know. They are just brothers and sister.

You shouldn't worry and you shouldn't feel guilty. You have done your best to protect your daughter and yourself and to give you both the best chance.

Planty18 · 06/09/2016 09:13

My dh's half sister is just his sister too, he loves her and she is a lot younger too. You have done the right thing getting out of the relationship and have made the best decisions for your family, don't feel bad about that.

MidnightMargaritas · 06/09/2016 09:15

Dont feel guilty OP.
I have three "half" brothers as my mother used to remind me all the time. Growing up I knew my dad had two older sons that were "full" brothers (who I called my older brothers) and then after my dad split up from my mum he got remarried and along came my little brother. My mum didnt like the fact that my dad had a past or had a future with anyone else and she only had me. Family is what you make it.

LittleLionMansMummy · 06/09/2016 09:27

5yo ds has a 16yo 'half' sister from dh's previous marriage. She doesn't live with us but we still see a lot of her, very regularly and are very close. We have never, ever referred to them as half siblings. She's his sister. They absolutely adore each other - bicker, cuddle, play fight, get grumpy and love and protect each other fiercely - just like 'full' siblings. Because that's what they see themselves as. And as I said, that's despite the fact that dsd doesn't live with us! You help to create loving and lasting relationships op, many full siblings are not close. It's about the environment you as a parent or step-parent help to create. We have another due in November and will work hard to ensure dsd feels as much a part of our family as anyone - we'll do the same with ds who will have his own anxieties. They'll both meet the new baby at the same time and dsd knows it's an open door for visits and stop overs.

emwithme · 06/09/2016 09:33

None of my brothers are full siblings. One isn't even actually a half sibling. They are all my brothers though even though they are a little bit shit, they are my little bit shit brothers

Eldest brother: Dad's first wife's and her first husband's
Middle brother: Mum's and a previous relationship
Youngest brother: Dad and his first wife's
Me: Mum and dad.

I like to say that when they had me, they realised they made perfection and stopped Dad had a vasectomy two days after I was born

I also have two step-siblings. They are not my siblings. They are the children of my father's wife.

What is the difference? Well, I grew up with my brothers in the house (and tormenting me, tickling me until I threw up, making sure I did my homework, vetting unsuitable boys during my teenage years), but I wasn't welcome in my father's new house after he and mum split up (I went every Sunday for ten years, but was very much a visitor) so the relationship just isn't there.

SaucyJack · 06/09/2016 09:34

I think residency/contact makes all the difference.

My big two girls don't refer to DD3 as a "half". They live with her; they are just as close to her as each other.

They have a much older half brother on their dad's side- and he is more of a "half-sibling" if that makes sense. We rarely see him except at ex-MILs on occasion. We don't call him a half though- I don't like the phrase meself.

JoffreyBaratheon · 06/09/2016 09:45

My older sons have a different dad to my two younger sons. The younger ones hero-worship the older, and the older treat their younger brothers the same as eachother.

In fact, one reason I didn't terminate my last pregnancy, despite being in a similar relationship with the boys' dad as the OP, was because I thought at least if I had a second child that was a full sibling to the older, he wouldn't be so 'alone'. Reality is, my 4th and 5th sons (full brothers) fight like cat and dog and one of the closest relationships in the family is between son 4 and son 3, who have different dads but are as alike as two peas in a pod...

Son 1 is so much older, he's virtually a third parent but the two young uns worship him. I think the sibling/half-sibling thing isn't even relevant to the dynamic, so much as the individual kids' personalities, and the age gaps.

JoffreyBaratheon · 06/09/2016 09:50

Also to add, I grew up in what is laughingly called a 'blended' family - it was a nightmare. Not a fan of step families and never wanted to subject my own kids to that, having lived through it. But life happened, and after the disastrous relationship with the 'dad' of my two youngest, I ended up getting back with original husband who was dad of my first 3. So ended up in a stepfamily anyway. He has been a brilliant dad to my two youngest (their birth father is allowed no contact via a court order) and he treats them no differently. One of them has been an er... challenging teenager, far more than any of our older sons - and yet he has been a good dad to him. I never feel we are in a stepfamily (well, I'm not and my older kids aren't but the younger two are). It is nothing like the stepfamily that was imposed on me, as a child. My kids rarely refer to being half brothers. I don't think it's important to them.

kensausage13 · 06/09/2016 09:55

My sister is actually my half sister...but she's still my sister. We love each other dearly xx

Original poster

littleredridinghood67 · 06/09/2016 11:18

Thank you all for your comments! .

I think I feel like this due to the guilt I'm having in regards to the abortion and what could of been.

I really appreciate all your comments, I really do. It made me look at things from a different perspective. It doesn't really matter if DD is the "only" full sibling and I have other subsequent children. I now know that if I made it an issue, then it will become an issue.

I feel like my jealousy with my friends, even though I'm no way near horrible to them, is making me or will, act on bad decisions. I even thought about going back to DD's dad and having more children with him. I won't ever do that, I don't even know where he is. But I'm worried that this jealousy I have over them will make me act on poor decisions.

OP posts:

Mermaidsandbutterflies · 06/09/2016 14:31

Hmm I am the only "full" sibling - I have a half sister and a half brother and a brother who isn't actually related to me in any way shape or form, not even step brother - (my dad's first wife had an affair and got pregnant and then came back to my dad so my dad raised him as one of his own, wife died, then he married my mum and then they had me) but I don't look at them in any other way than they are my brothers and sisters.

Pengweng · 06/09/2016 14:40

My half sister is just my sister and i have never thought of her as less then and i hope she doesn't feel that way about me. I mean she's a complete muppet sometimes and we argue but i love her more than anything.

I know sisters who hate each other. Being half doesn't make it less likely that they will get on.

Xxx

JoffreyBaratheon · 06/09/2016 14:50

I'd try not to torture yourself with guilt. You did what you did because it was the fairest thing to do, at the time, to your DD which was brave and selfless and must have been the hardest decision of your life.

Guilt is totally normal, as well, of course. But not something you should continue to feel forever, as you did the right thing for the right reasons and that's all any of us can do in life.

SandyY2K · 06/09/2016 14:52

You did the right thing.

If you have another child, your DD will have a normal sibling relationship with them. It's how you raise them.

The difference that will become evident is when she visits her dad and your other child doesn't go with her.

I believe siblings born by the mum are generally closer than those who share a father, because they live in the same house and were raised together.

HeyOverHere · 06/09/2016 23:54

Just treat them all the same, and if it comes up, remind them that it is the same. Blood is not the only thing that makes a family.

sykadelic · 10/09/2016 06:24

I have 4 half-siblings, no step-siblings. Just like Aunt, grandpa etc etc they're just labels. The relationship is the part that matters. I'm a big believer in labels and I don't think they make a relationship seem less than it is.

I "got into trouble" a while back when I clarified my "aunt" was actually my aunt-in-law, I found out she took offense. I'm not sure why, it made sense to explain that she was my aunt by marriage (to explain our relationship) and that is why I have an accent and she doesn't!

mum2Bomg · 10/09/2016 06:52

I have one 'full' brother, three half brothers and three half sisters. Honestly, it doesn't matter and I'm very close to a few and not so close to others. The 'half' but doesn't even get mentioned xxx

mum2Bomg · 10/09/2016 06:54

Oh and I wouldn't exist if my Mum had stayed with her (awful) first husband!

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