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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sad DD will most likely have a half-sibling

70 replies

littleredridinghood67 · 06/09/2016 01:12

Hey all;

I am 26 years old and have a 5 year old DD.

When DD was around 3 1/2; I fell pregnant, but later decide to terminate as I was in a horrible abusive relationship with DD's dad and didn't want to bring another child into a fucked up situation. Due to the abortion; it made me think of my future plans with DD's dad and I finally broke off the relationship. We do not hear from him.

I've been reading on the net that some children feel left out if they are the only "full" sibling amongst their half siblings. I'm feeling so sad as I had a chance to give DD a full sibling; but I didn't want to take that chance due to the situation with DD's dad.

I don't know whether I did the right thing.

OP posts:

BummyMummy77 · 06/09/2016 02:50

I have 9 brothers and one sister. The ones
I am closer to by FAR are the half siblings. doesn't matter one tiny little bit:

ShtoppenDerFloppen · 06/09/2016 02:56

I have 3 siblings.

One brother to my father's first wife. One sister to my mother. Another sister to my father's third wife.

When asked, I am the 3rd of 4.

NameChangeMum456 · 06/09/2016 03:08

It makes absolutely no impact on my two, who have different fathers. They both also have other siblings on their father's side, one younger for my son, three elder for my daughter. They see them as siblings also. My daughter even has step siblings and again, she just sees them as family.

I hope any stigma there may be passes my two by, I saw the pain it caused my sister to find out at twelve she was a half sibling, so I've always been open and honest and said all family no matter how you come by them is a great thing, there's more love to go around.

phillipp · 06/09/2016 06:13

My aunt has four children. 2 by her first dead beat husband, 2 by her lovely dedicated husband.

They all are very close. The 2nd husband brought his strongest up as his own since they were 2 & 3 and would argue with anyone that they are his.

No one in the family actually even thinks of the as half siblings.

I have a full brother who I don't get on with. Being half or full siblings does not make a difference.

PoohBearsHole · 06/09/2016 07:09

it's how siblings are referred to. my siblings are my siblings, to my db I.m his sister or occasionally 'half' but it's very rare and not to all and sundry. his wife (bitch SIL) refers to me as 'half' constantly, to everyone. It's not necessary in the slightest.
the siblings that miss out in a relationship are the ones that aren't resident with you, inevitably they tend to be somewhat closer (or not) to the ones who they live with. Don't worry :)

EreniTheFrog · 06/09/2016 07:15

OP it sounds as though you are feeling bad about the abortion. Please don't. You made a brave decision to protect you all from abuse.

My DCs have three half siblings. Given how different I look from their mother (different ethnicity etc) it's obvious on sight that they aren't full siblings - but beyond that, they love each other and are bonded together completely, completely. So in the gentlest possible way, YABU.

SlinkyVagabond · 06/09/2016 07:34

I have two half sisters who I love and who live me. We didn't even grow up together. I have 2 full sons who absolutely loathe each other and one resents the other massively.

puddlejumpingqueen · 06/09/2016 07:37

I only have "half" siblings. To me they are my siblings, no difference at all. We grew up together, my sister was bridesmaid at my wedding and we speak everyday on what's app and twice a week on the phone. She regularly visits for "girly weekends".

My brothers and I are equally close but not in the same way mainly due to gender I would think.

Either way you shouldn't worry at all!

datingbarb · 06/09/2016 07:44

I'm one of 4 children we all have the same mum and my oldest two siblings have a different dad to me and my other sister but I can honestly say we are family and sisters, it's never made a slight bit of difference, most people don't even know unless we tell them.

I also have 4 kids and youngest has different dad as older 3 and again they are as close and any other family

I think it's only s issue if you masks it one, which my mum and I have never done

It's will be find honestly don't worry yourself over it

Stopyourhavering · 06/09/2016 07:49

I have a half brother from my mum and half brother and sister from dad.( my parents were both widowed when they met and married and I was the result!)
....I was the baby of the family ( by 12 yrs).....liked having older siblings, although was lonely as they left home by time I was old enough to appreciate them!..... We used to congregate at parents house once a month for family meal.....until my dad died when I was 20 (32 yrs ago)then everyone did their own thing ( and I'd moved far away)
Relationships have been very fraught for the last 7 years, since my mum died and left her ( small flat) to me and my half brother ....
My half sister and other brother have very well paid careers/ own their own properties and rarely visited my mother, although they lived 30 mins from her. My mum had her own business ( in the 1960's)when she married my dad which she sold to purchase the family home-home. My half sister made it very clear she was not happy with my mums decision to to give me and my brother a share of her flat in her will and has not spoken to me since ......
Fortunately I am still close to my half brother ( mums son)..... I'm sad the dynamics of our family have disintegrated but I now have my own family and I'm concentrating on making a happy solid unit for them .....but there are no guarantees in life and you must do what makes you happy

Marmalade85 · 06/09/2016 07:52

I also worry about this. I'm a single mother to an 8 month and and if I go on to have more children with someone else I worry my son will feel left out and miss out on family life when he has to go and visit his dad. I have read on MN that these 'only' children from a relationship can often feel this way.

Redken24 · 06/09/2016 07:54

I would never refer to my brothers and sisters as "halfs" - its just not on.
There is absolutely no difference - they are siblings no matter whos got the same mum or dad.

skyyequake · 06/09/2016 08:06

I have no full siblings, I also have 4 half siblings! 3 on my mothers side and 1 on my dads side... I did feel out of place but that was due to my parents, and the fact that my step-father hated me
My best advice would be to make sure you find a decent guy who will treat your DD as his own and don't treat any other DC you have any differently
I always refer to my half-siblings as my brothers and sisters and I love them the same as I would full siblings
She won't feel out of sorts so long as you make sure she's always considered part of the family which I'm sure you will as you're already considering your DDs feelings in this situation
(also making sure she can talk to you about any feelings she has about it can also be a huge help)

CheerfulYank · 06/09/2016 08:06

It won't make any difference :) It especially won't if your DD's dad is not in her life at all. If you meet someone and have children with him in the future, he will be the father figure for all your children and it will be just fine.

CRazzyyAce · 06/09/2016 08:10

I hate the term half siblings I have a DS from a past relationship and have gone on to have two DC with my DH I consider them siblings not half siblings they are brought up in the same home and grown in my belly they are very more equal in our family although my ex tried to reinforce that my DC were only half blood which infuriated me his attitude has somewhat changed since his DW has announced her pregnancy

MargaretCabbage · 06/09/2016 08:11

I have a brother and sister, my sister is my stepdad's child. I have never considered her anything other than my sister and I think both of us would be upset if anyone tried to even suggest she was anything else. It makes no difference to us.

WannaBe · 06/09/2016 08:14

IMO it very much depends on the dynamic within the family as to whether it makes a difference. If a child lives with a parent full-time there is less likelihood of there being an issue as they will grow up together regardless of whether they had the same parents.

TBH though it is one thing which would have put me off having more children with DP as I would never have wanted my DS to feel detached if he spent half his time with his dad and there was another baby who lived full-time with me. and the only way it can work is if all children are treated completely equally within the family. There can't be any reference to his children/her children/the joint children because they all have to live in the same family iyswim.

Would never occur to me to refer to half siblings as half siblings though.

BikeRunSki · 06/09/2016 08:15

I have 2 half brothers and 1 sister. They are all 100% my siblings.

NoobThebrave · 06/09/2016 08:30

Think it is an odd thing to give head space to?

Few of us are living our planned life, things change, you make the best decisions you can at the time and sometimes life throws you a curb ball. My DS died so DS 2 is an only child, not what we planned and now I am ancient and too sad to have more with any father so there we go. He may at times wish he was DB2 he may sometimes be glad he is a precious only but nowt we can do...unless we adopt?!

I don't get on with my full sister at all....it is all about relationships but parents can help with the positiveness of the feelings towards siblings.

Memoires · 06/09/2016 08:46

It will only matter if you make it. If you insist on calling her 'half sister' when you eventually have more children and things which obviously exclude her or make it clear she is somehow different. So don't!

scarednoob · 06/09/2016 08:48

my DB's wife is utterly spectacularly mad and unpleasant. we hardly see him as a consequence, but see my half brother all the time. plus when we were growing up, we both got on like a house on fire with my half brother. we never used the word "half", nor did my DM ever call him her stepson, and his mother still sends me birthday cards and Christmas presents.

if they are close, they won't distinguish between full and half siblings. and being full siblings is absolutely no guarantee of closeness. you did the only thing you could do at the time, OP, so don't make yourself feel bad about it.

LumpyMcBentface · 06/09/2016 08:49

My three all have different biological fathers but Dh has raised the older two since they were three and four. They never think of themselves as half siblings.

Hopelass · 06/09/2016 08:50

I have a half brother. 14 years between us. He's 20 and I'm 34 and we are very close. I love him to bits. We've never argued (probably because we've never lived together!) and he's a great uncle to my DC. He's always been my brother; half has never come into it.

Creativemode · 06/09/2016 08:52

Well I have two full siblings and we don't get on at all.

My mum has lots of half siblings (different dads) and they are all very loyal to one another and won't hear of being called half siblings. My mum is the one with the different dad and actually the one all the others turn to and get on with the most.

Most people I know that have half siblings but are brought up in the same house are as close as full siblings.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 06/09/2016 08:53

My niece has two half sisters. They're just her sisters, OP. They don't distinguish, they just love each other. It's the relationship rgwy have, and which is fostered by their mum, not the blood they share or don't share.

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