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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU and a bad mum?

30 replies

LouBlue1507 · 05/09/2016 21:21

Hi Ladies!

Im a first time mum to a beautiful 6 week old baby and I feel terrible!!

I love my baby, I really do but I do find it hard work! I find myself excited for DP to come home just so he can take over for a bit and I can have a break from it! How awful is that? I want to be one of those mums who doesn't want to spend a second apart from their baby but I'm just not like that and I hate myself for it!
I find myself wishing for the time when baby is older and more independent, not needing feeding every 2 hours! People say to cherish them when they're so little and I hate myself for wishing time away!
It's not like I even have it hard! My DP has only just gone back to work after being with us for 5weeks and baby sleeps most of the night only waking for one feed (which dp has done most of)!

I feel like the worst mum in the world! I'm coping really well but I don't want to 'cope' I want to relish in motherhood like so many other fantastic mums! 💔

My DP is a fantastic dad and partner but I don't want to worry him and cause him stress. (He's an NQT just starting a new job, with an Ofsted inspection looming in October!) He's got so much on his plate already!

I think I'll feel a lot better when some sort of routine is established and I can get stuff around the house done (one of the things I'm struggling with is not being able to get as much housework done as I'd like)...

I just think I need a hug!

OP posts:

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 05/09/2016 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sassypants82 · 05/09/2016 21:26

Awh don't be so hard on yourself! I felt exactly the same as you. My situation was very similar with a really hands on DH (although I breastfed so did all the feeds) & could not wait for my Ds to get a bit bigger. I think most women are the same, especially on their first baby. I found employing a housekeeper an absolute life saver. Took so much pressure off & made me much less anxious.
My DS is 2 now & I really miss those days! Looking forward to doing it all again early next year!!!

anyoldname76 · 05/09/2016 21:26

its hard adapting to having a new baby, but your still a person, there is nothing wrong with getting your dp to take over so you can have a rest.

MUjunkie · 05/09/2016 21:27

Big hug! It's normal to feel like that, it's a big change and takes a lot of getting used to. Hopefully it's just a bit of baby blues and not PND! You're not awful, ur just a new, tired mum!

SchnooSchnoo · 05/09/2016 21:28

Sounds perfectly normal to me! Have a hug

bramblina · 05/09/2016 21:29

6 weeks is a hard stage. I felt a bit like this and remember at 5 weeks being up at 5am (I bf so obvs did all the night feeds) and thinking the honeymoon period was over, I was still sore, no-one was interested in me any more or ds, everyone else was back to normal, I was tired, blah blah blah and then I was changing ds's nappy and had a wee word with him and he gave me his first smile!! 5am!! I was so happy. It changed things. So, I do seem to remember that phase being a bit crap. hang on in there, it really is wonderful, things do get easier, and as they grow and respond it is so rewarding. Don't feel bad for feeling this way, it will only make you worse. It IS hard. But I do agree, those early days are so precious and everyone tells you they don't last long and you just want to say Oh Shut Up!! But here I am 11 years later- the ds I mention has just been sent to bed in a grump because he's tired and can't have his own way! I would give anything to be back where you are now!!!!

Go easy on yourself and take every single day as it comes

redisthenewblack · 05/09/2016 21:31

Here's a hug and

Congratulations on your new baby.

You're not a bad mum AT ALL! Newborns are dull and needy. They do very little in the way of anything exciting, only really need you to change them and feed them, then drive you mad by crying when you have no idea why.

Once your little one starts smiling at you, rolling around, cooing, all the interesting and exciting things that having a baby brings, you'll soon realise how much you love being a parent.

newmumwithquestions · 05/09/2016 21:33

Don't give yourself a hard time. I adore my two and would do anything for them. However, they start nursery in a couple of weeks and I am ridiculously excited about having a few hours to myself. Babies are hard work.

coldcanary · 05/09/2016 21:34

Of course you're not a bad mum! Those first weeks are bloody hard especially when you feel like you're permanently attached to the baby and can't go out without feeling like you're packing for a week!
Time away from baby is fine and not something to feel guilty about - even if it's just for a short peaceful walk when your DH comes home it can do you the world of good.

AllTheUsernamesAreTaken3 · 05/09/2016 21:36

I was so knackered I'd have handed mine over to Myra Hindley for a couple of hours on my own.
If that makes me a terrible mother, I'm cool with that.
As redisthenewblack says, they do suddenly get very much more engaging, and at around the time they seem to sleep better at night. You'll find a new lease of joy!

Gingernut81 · 05/09/2016 21:37

I felt exactly the same as you! You've been through so much, you're getting used to surviving on less sleep and it feels like you completely lose your identity. I so wanted to be one of those besotted mums but it's taken a while for it to happen. You're not a bad mum at all, I think it's normal for a lot of people - I actually used to think 'wtf have I done'! DD is nearly 1 and I wouldn't be without her now. Like others have said, I found the first few months so boring and completely unrewarding. Don't beat yourself up about how you're feeling or what you do/don't achieve in a day. I felt better once I got into a routine and knew what I was going to be doing each day, I also didn't try to fit too much in a day (I realised I'd just stress myself out even more 😄). I'd also say don't turn down any offers of help, even if it's just so you can have a bath and some time to yourself.

Original poster

LouBlue1507 · 05/09/2016 21:38

Wow thanks so much for your support and kind words.. I feel better already! I think just writing it down and admitting things aren't perfect (very hard to admit as I am a perfectionist) has helped massively!

Baby has just started smiling and beams when they wake and hear my voice, it melts my heart! I just need to think of that when I'm finding things tough!

OP posts:

BlurryFace · 05/09/2016 21:41

Congrats on your baby! You've only been a mum for 6 weeks, stop being so bloody hard on yourself! And I'll be honest, 6 weeks is not a particularly enjoyable stage. It's very easy for misty-eyed empty nesters to tell you to make the most of your baby being tiny, they get to pass you the baby back and go home.

God knows I appreciate my sons' newborn stages more when looking at photos than I did when I was sobbing my eyes out because of sleep deprivation and hormones and breast/formula feeding angst. Make sure you get lots of photos to be reminisced over with rose-tinted specs in a couple of years.

Most adults understand that romantic love at first sight is for schlocky movies and books. Well I think maybe it's the same for babies - yes, you bond with them and love them for being your baby right away, but it takes time to love them for their individual personality and mannerisms, especially as they take time to develop those things. With DS1 I think he was 6/7 months when I started to feel like "yeah, I've got this mum stuff down now".

Which do you think matters most - being a "natural" mum (whatever 50s housewife/earth mother stereotype mashup that is) or being a good mum?

theconstantinoplegardener · 05/09/2016 21:43

I think you sound perfectly normal! Some mums love the tiny baby stage but plenty find that they enjoy their babies much more when they're a bit bigger. I found it difficult to know what to do with my first daughter when she was that age, and I too was frustrated by how little I could get done. It really does get much more fun after about three or four months. You can plan a bit once you have a routine, they are much more responsive to you, and there is more time between feeds, naps etc to go out. However, despite all this, you will miss these baby days once they're gone! I wish I'd kept a diary, and taken more photos and videos.

lovelyredshoes · 05/09/2016 21:44

I think there is a stage a few weeks after having a baby where the high excitement, visitors, congratulations, and getting used to having a baby settles down and becomes 'normal life'. As PPs have said, babies at this age are very needy and I certainly think this is when I started going a bit stir-crazy. I found it a very odd feeling - the quiet house, DH at work and back in his normal life, and me left with an adorable little thing that took up all of my day, yet did very little at all. It's very understandable and healthy. You're an intelligent lady and babies are wonderful but needy, and not exactly stimulating company at this stage. You can also trust your DP, and so when he gets back, this is the time you can hand over switch off the overriding feeling of responsibility, and that in itself is 'a rest'. XXX

KP86 · 05/09/2016 21:46

Normal, normal, normal and the guilt-inducing morons who tell you to embrace this time because it disappears quickly can get fucked.

It's true: the years are short but the days are (bloody) long.

You are still your own person, as well as a mother.

To be perfectly honest, I am a much better mother when I've had time away from my DS. I also thought I would enjoy being a SAHM but it's soooo not for me! People talk about the fun they have with their children, I'm a little envious because that's not really how I see my days. I love DS more than life itself, but it's entirely relentless being around a toddler constantly and I definitely look forward to DH getting home each night.

There's more than one way to be a mum.

Oly5 · 05/09/2016 21:47

I feel the same.
For six months at least. It was horrendous. It does get better

FourForYouGlenCoco · 05/09/2016 21:50

Just chiming in to agree with the others - you sound totally normal, and like a very lovely mum - truly bad mothers don't worry about this stuff! I was bored witless and half mad with exhaustion when my first was that age. Used to be in tears if DH got home 5 minutes later than planned as I was just so desperate for a break by 5pm. My second is 6 weeks also and this time round, I am loving every minute, etc etc - but I still dump the baby on DH the minute he walks through the door! It doesn't make me a bad mum, it makes me a bloody brilliant mum who isn't a matyr and takes the opportunity to have a break when I can. You're doing fine OP, don't worry

OhTheRoses · 05/09/2016 21:55

Labour is the equivalent of a major op or huge traumatic accident, especially if you have stitches or a caesarean. But, it's supposed to be natural and women are supposed to cope and turn into earth mothers. Any other circumstances they'd be signed off for six weeks and resting quietly. But, oh no!

It's normal op. It's early days. Look after yourself.

Thetruthfairy · 05/09/2016 21:56

Others have said it perfectly.
Just to add...
Get a good sling... It's a lifesaver.

MrsDc7 · 05/09/2016 21:57

Good lord... Perfectly normal. Babies are SERIOUSLY HARD WORK. You're sleep deprived and your hormones are through the roof still. Don't be so hard on yourself... Bad mum's never worry about this kind of thing :) xxx p.s: It's normally grandparents etc who go on about treasuring these early days - they've forgotten what a nightmare it can be ;)

SexNamesRFab · 05/09/2016 22:01

When DD1 was 6wo I remember crying in the park and wishing I could just close my eyes and sleep until she was 2yo. Completely normal OP. Talk to your HV if the need to be 'perfect' starts making you anxious

MrsBobDylan · 05/09/2016 22:02

Please don't aspire to be one of those Mum's who don't want to spend a second away from their dc. I bumped into a school mum I know who is just that way and she's unbearable to be around because of it and I can't imagine her kids feel anything other than claustrophobic!

You sound like you're doing great, the only thing you need to do now is believe it.

MetalPetal86 · 05/09/2016 22:03

You describe exactly as I felt. I was so unprepared for motherhood and really sometimes didn't relish it as you say. I suspect it's far more normal than people let on. Just keep going - i'm sure you're a great mum. Don't feel guilty for feeling what you do - it can be a thankless, repetitive and lonely job at times but it will get easier over time and you'Ll probably enjoy it more when your baby is able to interact with you more at 4+ months.

KitKats28 · 05/09/2016 22:14

I absolutely hated almost every minute of the first 4 months. I felt like a fish out of water. I had no idea what to do all day with this angry thing that screamed all the bloody time. I was bored out of my brain. I had been running a hotel, so why the hell couldn't I run my house and manage a baby??

Breastfeeding was a disaster. He had to go into hospital for minor surgery at seven weeks. I felt like everything was wrong, and I'd been lied to about the dreamy idylls of motherhood.

When I looked back, I realised I had pretty bad PND, which went fairly unnoticed. I thought it was normal to spend most days in tears. When my husband came in from work, he would put the baby in the pram and walk for an hour with his headphones on so he couldn't hear the screeching. This was the best bit of my day! If anyone had told me to enjoy it because it goes so quickly, I would have twatted them one.

Keep an eye on how you are feeling, and if you have the slightest inkling that you might have PND, speak to your doctor or HV. I

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