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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DS's dad is trying to sneakily get DS to live with him

52 replies

ThePhantomKnickerSniffer · 05/09/2016 19:10

or at least get 50/50 custody

DS has always lived with me. I split with his dad when he was 6 months old and for first 5 years of his life his dad was not interested at all. He rarely saw him (despite me trying to facilitate contact), and also didnt contribute financially. In fact, for 3 years, he moved 200 miles away to go and live with a woman he had met. He came back to the town where DS and I live 5 years ago and since then he has has had regular contact (friday after school till sat evening) and also been paying a pittance

DS is ten now so I am applying for his high school next week. A few weeks ago DS dad suggested DS apply to a high school near him, that his step brothers go to (his dads DP's kids). its a pretty good school so at first i was happy with it and was going to apply there

However, I have considered it and actually, it doesn't work for for DS to go there. I have 2 other younger DC now to get to school, and I also work. There are closer schools that I would rather him go to and there are lots of other reasons I think it will be better if he goes to a more local school. DS does not seem bothered either way.

DS dad seems hell bent that DS should go to this other school though. He insists that DS "really wants to go to" there, and keeps saying things like "maybe DS can sleep at mine a few days a week and it will make it easier" . Today, I overheard DS tell someone "my dad says i will be living with him half the week when i go to high school". this has NEVER been mentioned to me by DS dad and i would NOT be ok with this!

It just all sounds to me like DS dad is trying to work on him to try and persuade him that this school is really really great, selling it to him by saying he will be at the same school as his stepbrothers, and work towards having him for more of the week and possibly even leading to having him 50/50 or more. And knowing DS's dad like i do, i would put money on it being to do with his child maintenance payment, as it would go down considerably if this happened.

I don't want to have DS any less than i already do. His home has always with me and his little sisters and his step dad! who by the way has been the one constant in his life (equal to me) since he was 18 months old. Funny enough when DS was tiny and we were applying for his primary school his dad couldn't have cared less as he was 200 miles away and had no idea where his own son was even going to be going to school!! Angry

I hope this all makes sense, I want to tell DS dad that I won't be applying to the school he wants DS to go to. Any advice would be much appreciated :(

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 05/09/2016 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 05/09/2016 19:29

Stop worrying about something that's not up for discussion. . Fill in the forms. Buy the uniform. Tell the ex.

Original poster
ThePhantomKnickerSniffer · 05/09/2016 19:30

That's what I am thinking but don't want to cause a big argument

OP posts:
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 05/09/2016 19:32

I'd explain to DS that he can't go to that school as it is too far away (give all the reasons)

As a separate issue discuss with DD if he'd like to see his dad more, and if does facilitate that.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 05/09/2016 19:32

Sorry, Ds Blush

Arfarfanarf · 05/09/2016 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ThePhantomKnickerSniffer · 05/09/2016 19:46

See I thought about just applying to the one(s) I want, and then when he gets a place just tell Ex he hasn't got a place at the school ex wants

But he was saying yesterday well DS if you don't get in, we will appeal. its all ridiculous, DS had never mentioned the damn school before X started getting his fat head in Hmm

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 05/09/2016 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VimFuego101 · 05/09/2016 19:51

What does your DS want to do? (School wise and with regards to where he lives?)

Allalonenow · 05/09/2016 19:53

Could it be that the Ex is seeing a chance for reducing any maintenance he pays by increasing the nights DS spends with him?

You should just apply to the school of your own choice and let Ex lump it.

phillipp · 05/09/2016 19:55

What's the issue with his dad having him more?

It's really about what Ds wants. Not what you or his dad wants.

whywonthedgehogssharethehedge · 05/09/2016 19:56

You need to talk to your ds and just ask him. Don't tell him your thoughts just ask and see what comes out. You also need to visit some schools as well and see how you feel about them.

I think ds should get an opinion but at the end of the day you as a family need to sort out what's best. if dad has been mostly absent for 10 years then his opinion means fuck all tbh.

NorthernQuarter · 05/09/2016 20:02

I worked in Admission for an LA up until recently,

I'd just apply for the schools you want.

But is dad likely to seek advice from your LA? If so, and it's your LA that deal with admissions rather than schools (some LAs have handed this over to schools) then usual practise is that if he puts in his own application for your child and they do not match for choices (or have one choice that is the same) then the LA will stop processing and ask you both to reach a decision together or take it to court to get a decision.

As you are main caregiver, it's very likely (and has been my experience -this happened more than you'd think-) that your application would be the one to hold.

MrsGsnow18 · 05/09/2016 20:03

I know it works for a lot of people but I don't think splitting his time between parents mid week is a good idea, in particular if there is quite a distance Between homes.
I've known children that swapped over parents on a Wednesday and did week about and it was also so confusing for them and half the time they had left certain things at one house etc. ( maybe not as big an issue in secondary school but still disruptive)

MrsGsnow18 · 05/09/2016 20:03

So basically tell ex that! And just apply for schools in your area!

Original poster
ThePhantomKnickerSniffer · 05/09/2016 20:18

Could it be that the Ex is seeing a chance for reducing any maintenance he pays by increasing the nights DS spends with him?

yes, this, exactly this

he has been pretty uninterested in him up till now. having him the bare minimum, paying the bare minimum, doing the bare minimum. he doesn't have him any extra in the holidays or anything. in fact on several occasions he has just gone off on holiday (with just his gf) and just assumes i will be ok with having ds cos he fancies jetting off

to me this is the only explanation. money

and he can get fucked

OP posts:
mrsfuzzy · 05/09/2016 20:18

your ex might bang on about his rights but he's hardly been a model dad so i think your views on school trump his as it is what is best for your ds.s welfare,

Original poster
ThePhantomKnickerSniffer · 05/09/2016 20:22

And as for DS he isn't bothered about the school he goes to, I think its quite an abstract concept for him. His main concern is will he make new friends?! And that will be the same concern where ever he goes

He is, as far as I know, happy with the arrangement with where he lives. He has never said he wants to see his dad any more than he does. His friends all live near us, his sisters are here, he has his own room here, and al his games and toys and books.

OP posts:
pleasemothermay1 · 05/09/2016 20:29

It should be the school that offers the best education that's it

Careforadrink · 05/09/2016 21:05

If he has been an absent father then he doesn't get a say. Just tell him after. Do what suits you as a family and don't pander to him

Original poster
ThePhantomKnickerSniffer · 06/09/2016 09:12

Pleasemother they are all very similar

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePhantomKnickerSniffer · 06/09/2016 09:14

I need to just tell him I don't want ds to go to that school don't I ?

I am scared though because his dad is very manipulative and if he is working on DS every time he sees him about seeing him more, I just worry he would easily be talked into it. His dad has a bigger house than us, more money, i just know what 10/11 year olds are like. He would be easily bought

OP posts:
Spice22 · 06/09/2016 10:19

I think if your son wants to live in both houses then you should allow it. It's about him and not you , sorry.

And Yh he would reduce maintenance because he will bearing the cost when DS is there.

Basically, it's about what DS wants.

BarbarianMum · 06/09/2016 10:28

How does your ds feel about 50:50 residency? Maybe you should talk to him and find out.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/09/2016 10:36

Does your DS have school friends that are more likely to go to a particular school? That might be a way of refocussing your DS's thoughts on to other schools. If most of his friends are likely to be going to the more convenient school then that might help.