to think DS's dad is trying to sneakily get DS to live with him

[ThePhantomKnickerSniffer]

or at least get 50/50 custody

DS has always lived with me. I split with his dad when he was 6 months old and for first 5 years of his life his dad was not interested at all. He rarely saw him (despite me trying to facilitate contact), and also didnt contribute financially. In fact, for 3 years, he moved 200 miles away to go and live with a woman he had met. He came back to the town where DS and I live 5 years ago and since then he has has had regular contact (friday after school till sat evening) and also been paying a pittance

DS is ten now so I am applying for his high school next week. A few weeks ago DS dad suggested DS apply to a high school near him, that his step brothers go to (his dads DP's kids). its a pretty good school so at first i was happy with it and was going to apply there

However, I have considered it and actually, it doesn't work for for DS to go there. I have 2 other younger DC now to get to school, and I also work. There are closer schools that I would rather him go to and there are lots of other reasons I think it will be better if he goes to a more local school. DS does not seem bothered either way.

DS dad seems hell bent that DS should go to this other school though. He insists that DS "really wants to go to" there, and keeps saying things like "maybe DS can sleep at mine a few days a week and it will make it easier" . Today, I overheard DS tell someone "my dad says i will be living with him half the week when i go to high school". this has NEVER been mentioned to me by DS dad and i would NOT be ok with this!

It just all sounds to me like DS dad is trying to work on him to try and persuade him that this school is really really great, selling it to him by saying he will be at the same school as his stepbrothers, and work towards having him for more of the week and possibly even leading to having him 50/50 or more. And knowing DS's dad like i do, i would put money on it being to do with his child maintenance payment, as it would go down considerably if this happened.

I don't want to have DS any less than i already do. His home has always with me and his little sisters and his step dad! who by the way has been the one constant in his life (equal to me) since he was 18 months old. Funny enough when DS was tiny and we were applying for his primary school his dad couldn't have cared less as he was 200 miles away and had no idea where his own son was even going to be going to school!!

I hope this all makes sense, I want to tell DS dad that I won't be applying to the school he wants DS to go to. Any advice would be much appreciated :(

I would fill in the application for schools near you after you've had a chance to take DS round a couple. On these open days he will see his existing school friends also going round and realise they will be going to one of them. I wouldn't discuss schools with the X until the form had gone in. A chat with DS about if he wants to see his dad more can wait until your DS brings it up. It may just be a storm in a teacup. Meantime make sure he has lots of opportunity to have friends round at yours. ;)

I suspect that he wouldn't get into that school even if you did put it down, because these decisions are usually based on proximity and good schools fill up with children who live nearby. So it would be a waste of a school choice, and if you put it down there's a danger you'd end up with a school that neither of you want.

To counteract his influence, I would suggest you keep emphasising to DS that his friends will be going to school locally - in fact, if his closest friends are actually opting for the school you want, that will be a big factor for him.

To be honest it seems ( somewhat understandably) that you aren't necessarily doing it for the DS it's because you don't want to lose him not that he doesn't necessarily want to go. As long as the dad isn't abusive whilst leaving was shitty being back 5 years isn't a small period of time to dismiss his opinion

And if he gets on with his step brothers (and I'm not good at the whole step thing but wouldn't they be his step sisters as its a different father?) then it helps his friendship concerns. Also I don't see what the issue with maintenance is? You claim he pays a pittance so having DS more would cost him more wouldn't it! So it's not likely to be cost effective if it was to lower maintainance

b

The flip side of this POV is that the resident parent is trying to maintain the status quo to maximise the amount of maintenance received.

I usually find in these sorts of situations not to try and obsess over the motives of the other parent. Instead I try to remain child focused and see how it affects them.

Usually shared care is a good thing as it means the child can build a strong relationship with both parents. If going to a different school would facilitate a good bond with both parents, and the school is generally thought of in a good light, I wouldn't be dismissing it out of hand.

Obviously there's a lot of factors to consider, but how it would effect the amount of maintenance being paid ought to be well down on the list.

Judy schools differ but some ) and this was 12-13 years ago now so could have changed but if you had a sibling that goes or I believe went to that school, it helped your chances/ was guaranteed or perhaps that's just something I heard when I was a young teenager and believed/ misremember

Arse, message should have read:

Could it be that the Ex is seeing a chance for reducing any maintenance he pays by increasing the nights DS spends with him?

The flip side of this POV is that the resident parent is trying to maintain the status quo to maximise the amount of maintenance received.

I usually find in these sorts of situations not to try and obsess over the motives of the other parent. Instead I try to remain child focused and see how it affects them.

Usually shared care is a good thing as it means the child can build a strong relationship with both parents. If going to a different school would facilitate a good bond with both parents, and the school is generally thought of in a good light, I wouldn't be dismissing it out of hand.

Obviously there's a lot of factors to consider, but how it would effect the amount of maintenance being paid ought to be well down on the list.

Bit confused. Ds resides at your address yes? So he's registered with your local GP and goes to the local
School so you apply to the feeder school presumably like his friends will from first school.

He most likely wouldn't get into a school way out of catchment so I really can't see this is an issue unless you are talking about private schools.

Take ds around the local feeder schools. Find out where his mates are applying, see which you both like and then apply.

Your ex doesn't seem to grasp the school catchment system probably as he was absent when you started the process for first school with his son.

Him spending more time with his dad is a separate issue.

No way would I be applying to that school. Nor would I explain it to his dad. Just put your application in.

"And if he gets on with his step brothers (and I'm not good at the whole step thing but wouldn't they be his step sisters as its a different father?)"

Step brothers as they are just his dad's DP's kids and don't share either parent. His sisters will be half-sisters technically however if they're anything like my kids they won't see it that way especially as step-dad has been there for so many years

Avenge, I think sibling priority is quite strictly defined these days so that it is limited to siblings in the same household. If that's the way it works in OP's ex's area, then the fact that he doesn't have his DS to stay even 50% of the time would mean sibling priority wouldn't help him get in to the half-siblings' school.

Thanks YourNewspaperIsShit for clearing that up, completely got mixed up between step and half!

I wouldn't tolerate this for a second. Your son has a home and a good local school.

If your ex wants residency then he should take it to court and be prepared to answer all the awkward questions that would go alongside that.

I think he wants to not pay child support and to have his family allowance. And I wouldn't ask the child what he wants, either. The OP has to act in the best interests of her son. Sometimes, asking them to make a decision can be the worst thing to do - the decision can be made because he's sorry for his dad.

Her son hasn't asked to spend more time with his dad - that is really crucial. She doesn't need to ask him if he wants to live with him.

I don't see why your x is mixing school in with more access.Apply to the school you want/in your catchment and tell your x once the form's are filled.
Treat the access thing as separate ,don't block it for your son's sake but your xs keenness may wane if has to arrange transport to his before and after school.

Imperial don't you think that whilst he could do it as you say because he feels sorry for his dad, could it also be said that he perhaps is not saying anything to not upset his mum?

And the OP I believe has said its a good school but seems mostly swayed because his dad may want more time with him and that would mean less with her in all likelihood. So whilst in OPs admission it's a good school she doesn't want him to go there for the selfish (but understandable ) reason that it could mean less time with the DS and OP.

In something that OP has such a vested interest in it's hard to stay impartial, especially when it comes to losing some contact with children which many would find hard

BTW your x is in cloud cuckoo land if he thinks siblings will want anything to do with each other at school,so uncool.

I think it makes sense to send him to the school close to his current main residence and you should be sitting down with the father and explaining that is what is happening and he needs to stop putting other ideas in ds's head as it will lead to pain and disappointment for your Ds. You did originally go along with the plan so you need to backtrack on that unfortunately!

I think at the same time you should be discussing with the father about him getting more access if that is what is really motivating him here. If your son would like that too then I think it's wrong if you to block their relationship because you feel he should be with you and your family more.

Imperial don't you think that whilst he could do it as you say because he feels sorry for his dad, could it also be said that he perhaps is not saying anything to not upset his mum?

Not in this situation, no. He hasn't asked his mum whether he can spend any more time with his dad, has he? It sounds as though if he did ask, his mum would be fine with that, but he hasn't.

Also, his dad swans off on holidays without him, without thinking about contact time - that won't go unnoticed by her son.

OP, it would be interesting to see whether the step-sons are as keen for your son to be at school with them.

Imperial I disagree even in her OP she says

Today, I overheard DS tell someone "my dad says i will be living with him half the week when i go to high school". this has NEVER been mentioned to me by DS dad and i would NOT be ok with this!

And

I don't want to have DS any less than i already do.

It doesn't mention anything to do with holidays, but that he did leave for 5 years 3 that were 200 miles away but we don't know if that was included in the 5 years or not. We do know he's had constant contact for 5 years after coming back perhaps with the woman he pursued 200 miles away, for which if he managed to get a job, life etc 200 miles away then it's plausible family brought him back

In any case, father and son appear to have a good relationship now which is a good and positive thing for the boy. It's very hard but the decisions should be made based on his wellbeing and not the parents wants.

YOU apply for his secondary school because DS lives with you the majority of school nights (Sunday-Thursday). It's your decision (obviously with DS' involvement), not your ex's.

Thank you for all the replies

Re DS, and what he wants re access, he has never asked to see his dad any more than he does, but then neither of us have ever offered it

Obviously if ex does explicitly come out and ask for more contact then I need to ask DS what he wants. and I will have to be prepared to hear that he may want to see his dad more, even if I wont like it, its not about what I want. Of course I want him with me as much as possible, I am only human.

School wise, DS had never once mentioned going to the same school as his step brothers, he had just assumed he would go to the local place. the thought hadn't entered his head till ex started selling it to him as the best idea ever!! All his best mates are going locally.

Address wise, DS is registered as living with me for the purposes of school, doctors etc, anything official. as I am the primary carer. Ex's idea was to say on the application form that DS lives with him. Which I am, in itself,. extremely uncomfortable with doing for a lot of reasons. Its lying for a start.

And to clarify: his sisters are half sisters, not step. they are my daughters from my relationship with his stepdad, my DH. He has been a father figure to DS from when he was 18 months old, and till he was about 5 he was basically the only one he had. DS can't remember life without DH and my girls are his sisters, he doesn't see the half bit and it doesn't matter because he lives with them.

Also believe me the pittance ex gives me in maintenance I can take or leave ! self employed, earns loads, and yet lies about his income to give the absolute bare min! me and DH buy everything for DS from our own pocket. but he is a tight arsed bastard and always has been so believe me those few extra quid he would get to keep in his pocket would be a massive incentive!

Anyway hope this all makes sense. this thread has been a massive help, thank you again x

Ex's idea was to say on the application form that DS lives with him. Which I am, in itself,. extremely uncomfortable with doing for a lot of reasons. Its lying for a start.

So he's suggesting you commit fraud, and in doing so hand over all rights to child benefit, child tax credits for your child, and child maintenance to your ex, signed by you so you can't really argue without admitting to the fraud?

I really would not do that for anyone. Let alone someone I mistrust.

I agree it should be about the child's best interests, but that doesn't mean you have to fuck yourself over, even if that was in his interests, which I strenuously doubt.

Your son has friends he has known years going locally to his primary home. He would know nobody at his Dad's local school. Obviously he'd make friends, but why make him the new kid when other people already have that social network set up? How does that benefit him? If his Dad wants him over more often and he wants to be there, then yes I think that should be sorted out, but it can be done at a steadily incremental rate DS is comfortable with, and Dad can do his share of the driving. And DS can stay with his friends and local environment.

Ex's idea was to say on the application form that DS lives with him. Which I am, in itself,. extremely uncomfortable with doing for a lot of reasons. Its lying for a start.

By doing that you are signing away your chance of getting a school place. If the LEA find out, they could refuse your application.

What sleep said above. I wouldn't touch this plan with a bargepole. All the losses and risks are on your side, with fraud in your name being a key one. In fact I think this gives you a reason to decline beyond any other: just say you are not prepared to lie and risk the consequences of lying.

Even if we focus on benefits to your DS, these are nebulous, and involve the corresponding loss of his current friends as school peers, and his stable home life with you. All because some deadbeat dad has now decided it suits him to take an interest for five minutes (and to benefit his own pocket). Some posters here seem to think that's good enough to rearrange the boy's life for. I don't.

Wow

I did not know any of that ....the wider implications.....jeez

i must sound so thick thank god for mn