Was my partner rude or am I being too sensitive?

[Mermaidsandbutterflies]

Bit of background info - partner and I have been together for 5 years, not married, no children but he has one 10 year old DC from a previous marriage.

We don't live together but last year we decided we were ready. Only problem is his DC won't sleep in their own bed so obviously we can't live together - I refuse to sleep in a spare room in what would be "our" house.

My partner said he would have the sleeping arrangement sorted by Xmas which means we can start looking for somewhere in spring/summer. He said this at the beginning of the summer and has just half heartedly tried.
He bought a nightlight to keep in his DC's room but he gets various excuses such as there's monsters in my room, I don't feel well, I had a bad dream etc etc and my partner just never pushes the issue.

2 weeks ago he said he'd had a conversation with his DC and the next time he stays over he is definitely going to be in his own room.
So last night we were talking about moving in again and I said oh yeah by the way how did the first night in your DC's own bed go?
Partner said it didn't happen, they were both tired and fell asleep on the sofa so was easier just to sleep in the same bed as him again.

So I then said ok but surely you're encouraging it then and not trying to put him in his own bed after you'd promised you'd have this sorted by xmas, I don't see that happening?

So my partner got arsey and said this is absolutely none of your business! I will do it when I feel the time is right and not before thankyou very much! To which he got up and stormed out.

I feel a bit hurt about this - one minute we are planning our future and the next minute he's telling me to butt out and mind my own business when it comes to someone that has been a big part of my life for the past 5 years.
I was under the impression it was my business as it affects whether or not we will be living together anytime soon and I only asked I didn't tell...

What is the point in us being together if he doesn't want me to have any sort of say in his DC's life? I'm not saying I want to make all the decisions in his life I just asked at what point would he be sorting out the sleeping arrangements and got told to keep my beak out.

Feeling a bit sorry for myself this morning :-(

He's not a good dad im afraid. You do actually know this or you wouldn't have any problems with the way he's choosing to not parent his son. Would you be happy with him doing the same with your children and undermining you because it's easier than upsetting the child?

It's not about you enforcing I'm afraid. Dads should equally parent and part of that is having the capability to make he right (or as right as any of us ever get it) decisions by themselves.

It'll be utterly exhausting for you to parent on your own and have to have all of the responsibly for sensible decisions on your shoulders.

I'm saying this kindly from a position of first hand experience. My dh is the kindest, most loving father with ds but he has absolutely no idea about safety with ds and it is so fucking tiring shouldering that load yourself.

I just wanted to restate what a couple of other people have said about NOT having a child with this man.

The main issue for me so far is his fear to effectively raise his child (with rules etc etc) so his child still wants to see him. Basically, he wants to be the "good guy".

There should be a visitation agreement in place. Extra time is fine but this wishy drop-in visits for the last 5 years have not helped the child feel secure.

How is the relationship with his ex? Would she be willing to try and knock the sleep thing on the head together? As in "as of X date you'll be sleeping in your own room".

Can you imagine this kids teenage years if your BF isn't even willing to tell his son no to sleeping in his bed? I can only imagine the teenage angst bullshit you'll be putting up with.

Also, you get pregnant, you have a child, you will want the child to sleep with you for a certain period (or at least in your room)... what effect do you think this will have on the kid? Or kicking him out of your BF's bed so you guys can move in together (makes you look like the reason it stopped so he may resent you).

You've been told you can't judge because you're not a parent. I LOATHE this statement. Just because I don't have a child myself doesn't mean I don't know anything about anything. It's not like you pop out a child and suddenly you're a parenting expert (your BF and his ex being perfect examples). You're smart enough to know a dummy isn't alright, that sleeping in the same bed isn't alright. The only part you couldn't understand is what it's like to have your child part-time.

I would stop asking and go on about your life honestly. You nagging or giving ultimatums isn't something you want either because if it DOES got arse up then you'll get the blame for it. I would set yourself a deadline (or just focus on the Christmas one) and if nothing has changed, then you have your answer. He's not even willing to try.

Op do you want dc of your own? If so pick the other parent very carefully. Pick someone who can be bothered, someone who doesn't make a rod for themselves

He thinks you'd do the same if it was your own child? He's full of shit.

because he is struggling as a single dad to keep his child happy

but happiness is not the goal of being a parent.

Of course I want my kids to be happy, but also need to teach them to be independent and successful human beings. In order to do that, at times I have to draw boundaries, teach them the skills they need (like sleeping in a bed) and at times say no.

he isn't parenting, he is letting life happen around him, taking the route of least resistance.
His poor son would probably be much happier with some direction and structure.

if you have dc with him, he will always be Mr Nice guy, and you will always be the one enforcing the 'rule' Mrs Nasty. That role can be very tiring, and you will be fighting a losing battle with him not on side.

So please don't think that if you have kids then you will raise them your way, it will be like trying to swim against the current.

Thanks mermaid. I'd say your instinct is right and you'd be a country mile better parent than this joker. If you aren't sure if you would do it - the people on here are telling you you would; they do it; it's not that hard to do if you put the child first and make the tough calls.

I wonder how your DP was parented himself?

That would be a dealbreaker I would not have a relationship with him. He is not prepared to address the dd sleep issue, no move on.