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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was my partner rude or am I being too sensitive?

59 replies

Mermaidsandbutterflies · 05/09/2016 09:51

Bit of background info - partner and I have been together for 5 years, not married, no children but he has one 10 year old DC from a previous marriage.

We don't live together but last year we decided we were ready. Only problem is his DC won't sleep in their own bed so obviously we can't live together - I refuse to sleep in a spare room in what would be "our" house.

My partner said he would have the sleeping arrangement sorted by Xmas which means we can start looking for somewhere in spring/summer. He said this at the beginning of the summer and has just half heartedly tried.
He bought a nightlight to keep in his DC's room but he gets various excuses such as there's monsters in my room, I don't feel well, I had a bad dream etc etc and my partner just never pushes the issue.

2 weeks ago he said he'd had a conversation with his DC and the next time he stays over he is definitely going to be in his own room.
So last night we were talking about moving in again and I said oh yeah by the way how did the first night in your DC's own bed go?
Partner said it didn't happen, they were both tired and fell asleep on the sofa so was easier just to sleep in the same bed as him again.

So I then said ok but surely you're encouraging it then and not trying to put him in his own bed after you'd promised you'd have this sorted by xmas, I don't see that happening?

So my partner got arsey and said this is absolutely none of your business! I will do it when I feel the time is right and not before thankyou very much! To which he got up and stormed out.

I feel a bit hurt about this - one minute we are planning our future and the next minute he's telling me to butt out and mind my own business when it comes to someone that has been a big part of my life for the past 5 years.
I was under the impression it was my business as it affects whether or not we will be living together anytime soon and I only asked I didn't tell...

What is the point in us being together if he doesn't want me to have any sort of say in his DC's life? I'm not saying I want to make all the decisions in his life I just asked at what point would he be sorting out the sleeping arrangements and got told to keep my beak out.

Feeling a bit sorry for myself this morning :-(

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 05/09/2016 12:17

'He just can't be bothered'

Doesn't that kind of give you an answer?

Rrross1ges · 05/09/2016 12:22

Five years? And you don't live together? He's taking the piss.

SnotGoblin · 05/09/2016 12:22

Seriously, a 9 year old was using a dummy, seriously? The co-sleeping thing I can imagine but I cannot get my head around the dummy. The poor kid. Sorry, what was your question?

LagunaBubbles · 05/09/2016 12:24

That poor wee boy, he is going to grow up with serious issues by the sounds of it. I would question being in this relationship at all OP, never mind moving in with him.

Original poster
Mermaidsandbutterflies · 05/09/2016 12:31

ImperialBlether From what I hear they didn't really have any kind of relationship - they had different lifestyles and routines so I guess the sleeping separately was the last thing they cared about.

I'm not sure what goes on behind the scenes with her new partner - perhaps he might get fed up of it soon too! it's only been 6 months but I guess they just sleep together when the DC is with his dad and then I stay over when the DC is with his mum - the times he is with his dad varies, could be once a week, could be 7 times a week we just never know! So yes it does put a strain on us because I don't like the fact that I have to sleep on a pillow that the previous night has been dribbled on by his DC, and vice versa.

His DC knows I sleep in his dads bed when he isn't there as he will often find my earplugs underneath the pillow or a brush on the bedside cabinet or my hair on the pillow etc and it doesn't seem to bother him!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mermaidsandbutterflies · 05/09/2016 12:33

also the dummy thing - it didn't help that one day he came home from school and told his dad that his teacher told him she had a dummy until she was 11! No idea how/why the dummy thing was brought up in school but seriously why would a teacher encourage the behaviour by saying it was perfectly normal?!

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 05/09/2016 12:38

So if you had a child, OP, would you want your partner to be his/her father? I wouldn't! He's a really awful parent to that child.

And why can't he at least change the bloody sheets when you're there?!

Gazelda · 05/09/2016 12:41

OP, your DP is an inadequate father to his DS. Do you want him to be the father of your DC?

Gazelda · 05/09/2016 12:43

If the boy is 10, is he due to go on a school residential trip this year? Might that be the incentive needed?

neonrainbow · 05/09/2016 12:50

Shit parent, shit boyfriend. Don't have kids with him, if time is running out then leave and find someone else or go it alone. This will never improve because he sees nothing wrong with the way his son is being dragged up. This will be a constant source of tension and you will never be able to bring it up. The only reason i can be a stepmum is because my dh listens when i have a concern or suggestion. As a more impartial person in the situation i often have a better take on it than dss own parents as they don't see how quickly he is growing up and how he needs to be pushed to more independence.

Original poster
Mermaidsandbutterflies · 05/09/2016 12:52

Not sure about the trips Gazelda - if there were any that required you to stay away he probably wouldn't want to go anyway he doesn't really like staying away from either parent.

Well - if we did have a child together there is no way on this earth he/she
would be brought up to stay in our bed until 9 years of age or have a dummy - at least that way I could enforce things because it would be my business!
He's a good dad in every other way I don't think he does these things to purposely be an arse - he actually phoned me an apologised just now and said he didn't mean that it wasn't any of my business but he's fed up of being told hes doing this that and the other wrong when it comes to his son and that hes worried that if he enforces all these things that his mother doesn't make him do then he will turn around and say he doesn't want to come over anymore because he doesn't want to stick to these rules..

so that's basically it - hes worried he wont get to see his son anymore if he stands up and enforces things.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/09/2016 12:53

an awful lot of parenting is about having to be bothered, when you don't feel like it or are tired. So true, steppemum!
There is no sign of your DP bothering when it's easy to fob you off and essentially mañana is his answer to anything. In fact after five years if you can't plan to do anything ourselves as we never know when my partner will be having his DC I wonder if your DP is secretly quite happy with the way things stand and it's too much hassle making solid future plans eg moving in or a baby together so he doesn't tackle the sleeping issue because you have said you won't move in until that's sorted...?

Dragongirl10 · 05/09/2016 12:54

Oh dear Op...this is not good on so many levels..he sounds a pretty ineffectual , useless parent, how will that be when /if you have your own DCs? Imagine a baby, toddler and his Dc.....and him as a partner.......there will be no support.

He does not respect you or your wishes, this alone would send me running for the hills.

Please think very carefully before you move in...you have already spent 5 years waiting.Imagine 5 years down the line. l would not see a future with this man.

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/09/2016 12:58

I have the feeling that this boy will suddenly (around the age of 11/12) start sleeping in his own bed and sorting out his own bedtime routine (no teenager will sleep with their parents willingly!). Your OH will then say 'look, I've sorted the problem, let's have a baby/move in together, when he has done nothing of the sort, the problem has just resolved.

I'd be more worried that a child who's allowed to sit up watching TV and fall asleep on the sofa isn't getting enough sleep to function at school and is watching any kind of unsuitable crap (if dad is asleep how can he monitor his child's viewing?) And he's never learned how to put a child to bed properly, how to have a bedtime routine - what makes you think that he'd be any different with your child? You might try to override him, but every time you leave him to do night feeds or get up to your child, your OH will have them in bed with you to 'save trouble'.

Run far, run fast.

mathsmum314 · 05/09/2016 12:59

So you get a new house, main bedroom has double bed, DC has single bedroom. Your sleeping in double bed DP stays with DC until falls asleep and DP joins you in main bedroom. DC wakes in middle of night, surly they wouldn't get into the bed with you? In which case DP has to wake up and deal with the 'monsters' in DC's room.

Won't he be forced to deal with the issue then?

mathsmum314 · 05/09/2016 13:05

If he is worried about losing contact because he does something the mother doesn't, then I assure you NO judge is going to award full residence to a mother who sleeps in the same bed as her secondary school age son.

I can't see the DC wanting to sleep with his mother much longer anyway, puberty will kick in and even the DC will find it weird.

skyyequake · 05/09/2016 13:09

You should also consider that, if this poor boy is so insecure about his relationships with his parents, that a new baby could make it 10x worse... If he can't even stand to have his DF out of his sight, how do you think he'll react to seeing your DP giving love and attention to a new baby? Tbh I wouldn't bring your own children into such a family drama, you're going to end up in these sort of battles all the time...

embo1 · 05/09/2016 13:11

The poor lad. I hope this behaviour will be sorted by the time he starts secondary school.

TattyCat · 05/09/2016 13:17

If you move in with this man, this will be the least of your troubles. Believe me, your life will be utterly miserable, all because he is unable to parent effectively at all.

Brankolium · 05/09/2016 13:18

Gosh OP, even if you could have some more control with a shared child, what if you split up?

You want the other parent of your child to be someone you can trust to bring up your child in the way you both wanted, even if you don't end up together.

Not everyone gets such a valuable insight into their partner's parenting before taking the plunge! RUNNNNN!

eggyface · 05/09/2016 13:47

I'm a bit concerned that loads of people have said "He's a bad and ineffectual father", OP, and you don't acknowledge this. Instead you waffle some starry eyed thing about how if you had a child with him you'd enforce things differently and all would be well. Can you just admit there are no excuses and he has in fact fucked up royally??

Wouldn't it be better to have a baby with someone who's a true partner - a rock solid person you can respect and who's got your back?

Once your baby comes you will be a mama tiger and your love for the baby will make you do the basics right, even if you're tired. And your scorn for him will rise, as you fully understand how he has copped out all these years. And you won't fancy him any more.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/09/2016 13:52

Read what you have posted here, and imagine it was written by someone else. What would you advise them to do?

Please do not fall prey to the 'sunken costs' fallacy (I've invested five years in this relationship, ending it means I wasted those years). The past is done and gone, you need to look to your future. You want children, do you really think that's going to happen in this relationship? Or is he going to continue telling you that the things preventing you from moving in/starting a family with him are none of your business?

Original poster
Mermaidsandbutterflies · 05/09/2016 13:53

It's a very good point eggyface - I think perhaps I have buried my head in the sand for a long time because he keeps telling me "once you have children you will understand what I am doing/going through" so I keep thinking, perhaps if I was in his situation I would be the same and perhaps I shouldn't be so judgemental.

It really is difficult for me because I think if it were me there would be no excuses, he would be up to bed, bathed, pyjamas on and in bed at a reasonable time no matter what but again I keep thinking its easy for me to say these things because I'm not a parent myself.

We go over and over it and then afterwards I'm left to feel like the bad guy because he is struggling as a single dad to keep his child happy and im the judgemental third party telling him what to do.

OP posts:
AnnaMarlowe · 05/09/2016 14:05

he's a good Dad in every other way

No he's really not I'm afraid.

Being a good parent is about making hard decisions for the benefit of the child. Often doing things/making the child do things that they don't like.

I won't tell you what to do but personally in your situation I would end this relationship. You'll never be in a position to "fix" the parenting issues with this poor wee boy and bringing a baby into the mix would be absolutely disastrous.

skyyequake · 05/09/2016 14:23

Mermaids your bedtime routine might be a bit idealistic for a toddler, or very young child, but for a ten year-old that is a perfectly reasonable expectation. A lot of parents learn to let go of the odd occasion (i.e. they didn't go to sleep on time on christmas eve because they were so excited but oh well) but this isn't the odd occasion, this is every night, and you have a tonne of parents here telling you that he's in the wrong... and I'm sure plenty of us here have had troublesome sleepers!