My child's behaviour

[Needfinsnow]

Sooo...my dd is 5 and an only child, only grandchild. BUT my families reaction to her behaviour is concerning me, I don't know if she is naughty, or they have unfair expectations. She is very very intelligent, and very talkative. I can't drive so if we are in a car it's being driven by one of them and they expect complete silence.. No I spy games etc. No talking above a whisper (which my gobby child is incapable of) I usually give her iPod with story tapes on and earphones just to keep her sufficiently quiet for them. Tonight we went out for dinner and she was very excited...her daily life is just her and I usually out of school time, so for her having 3 extra adults around was special..and she was noisy and not sitting down. Am I a terrible mum I didn't/ couldn't get her to calm down? / how would you recommend I do? She's a brilliant child just seems to act up when my family are around! I'm so worried when my brother and his gf (the favoured people) have kids, my parents will have even less interest in my naughty child (as they call her). She is a wonderful, kind and articulate girl, just sometimes more loud and less responsive to instructions than I'd like!

Break the cycle OP.

I'm just guessing from your posts didn't have the happiest childhood/healthiest relationship with them. Without wanting to get all amateur psychologist, it sounds like they are hyper critical of you. Don't pass that on to your daughter.

She sounds delightful. Genuinely, nothing you've said makes me think she's 'naughty'. Chatty, inquisitive, seeking approval and attention from her GPs and family.. yes, all completely normal. Don't let them label her as a 'bad child'. Don't let them label you as a 'bad mother'.

You need to be firm - set the arrangements for how you'll meet, at your house, or a playpark, or a relaxed cafe. Get them to engage with her 'Granny can read you a story while I make the tea'. Be very firm if they over=rule you. Make it clear that undermining you or cricisising her is not on. End the visit if that happens. Get your lioness on, you're the boss now!

(and that French kids thing I think is mostly bull. We went on holiday when our DTs were around 2 and nearly cried at all the 3yo French kids staying up for adult dinner. On closer reflection almost all of them were playing with phones)

(Just seen she can read like a 9yo. Ignore my story reading suggestion.

"Granny can talk to you about the solar system/life cycle of a newt/ballet moves.. " Or whatever floats your DD's boat!)

Splintery... You are so right. Thank you for understanding.i wanted to message you but I didn't know of you would see it..but everything you said is right! X

If people try to undermine me I tend to become difficult and awkward. That's as an adult. Your daughter is picking up vibes and responding to them. Also my daughter still struggles to sit still and be quiet at age 12 - yet her grandparents love her and let her get away with murder! Such a shame that some grandparents don't appreciate the experience.

She sounds perfectly normal to me and your family shouldn't be undermining you. I would pull them up on this, if you ask her sit down and they say she doesn't have to you need to tell them to stop as it is confusing her. We take a bag of toys such as a small bag of Duplo or some cars or a few toy trains for our five year old, he plays quite happily and doesn't run around or disturb anyone. When he's in the car he is very observant about the changing scenery outside which results in him asking questions such as "why does that church clock have letters on instead of numbers?" "Why does it have a bell, how does the man fix it if it breaks down, the man will have to climb lots of steps to get to the top...why, why, how, will etc. The only time he's quiet in the car is if he's asleep,

(hug)

OP you are not a terrible Mum! In terms of your DDs behaviour, my DD is 8 and was an angel for the first few years of her life. Then she became a bit less so - answering back, challenging things I said, querying instructions etc. I read that it is normal about that age that girls start pushing boundaries and seeing how far they can go (seems to be a girl thing specifically around age 4/5). Other girl Mums have all found the same, but it only lasts a year or two, and wasn't a massive issue, and we're all back on track now! Just be consistent and don't let other people undermine you, tell them it's normal. (And go to the Hungry Horse or somewhere where all the kids can run about and enjoy themselves!).

Your DD sounds pretty normal. My DD1 is a real foghorn and talks all the time. It would seem that your DD is picking up on the anxieties your family bring out in you.
Take a deep breath. She's your child, parent her how you see fit. If she's generally happy and thriving you're doing a good job.
Tell your family that if they have concerns about her behaviour they should come to you. The things family members say can weigh heavily on a child. As other pps have said, prep her for difficult situations, eg in the car hold her hand and make a game out of whispered conversations.
At the restaurant make a point of taking her for walks or to run about in the playground if possible. I would do that every time the dreaded ironman conversation comes up.
Don't worry about DB and his GF having kids and how "perfect" they'll be; cross that bridge when you come to it. A friend was in a similar situation, her BIL would helpfully Google things and tell her what her DS "should" be doing. BIL now has an atrocious toddler of his own and had stopped giving other people advice.
Enjoy your little girl and be proud of her. Break the cycle of negativity you seem to have been raised in. Focus on setting a good example for your little girl to grow into a happy confident woman.

Your dd isn't the 'problem', it's the rest of your family.....

Please do not say your daughter is a 'twat' . she is a normal little girl. Your family on the other hand do not sound normal, at all.
Please do not inflict them on your daughter, she does not deserve it.

I'd put a stop to the 'naughty child' comments, your family are demonising your child. Pull them up on it every time they say it. You are your child's mother, your own mother is not and has no right to tell her that you don't matter.

I expect my just 5 yo to sit well at the dinner table and generally have good manners (sit up properly. asking permission to get down from the table, etc). We're working on not interrupting when others are speaking, I think it's important they learn that conversation is a 2 way thing and not all about them, but it is a work in progress. When I'm with other people, I'll say 'Remember we practising to be patient, listen and wait our turn' That kind of thing, it means my folks/others are aware and generally more supportive of her rather than judgy. I do also take quiet activities to adult places, colouring, puzzles and if needs be take her down from the table to go for a wander. My 5 yo can now generally be taken anywhere and will act appropriately. My 2 yo on the other hand is a different story and it does mean I have politely declined some family dinners at certain venues if I think it's not going to work for us. It's sometime less stressful for everyone involved and we've had a lovely time doing something else instead.

I think you're confusing the words twit and twat, OP!