My child's behaviour

[Needfinsnow]

Sooo...my dd is 5 and an only child, only grandchild. BUT my families reaction to her behaviour is concerning me, I don't know if she is naughty, or they have unfair expectations. She is very very intelligent, and very talkative. I can't drive so if we are in a car it's being driven by one of them and they expect complete silence.. No I spy games etc. No talking above a whisper (which my gobby child is incapable of) I usually give her iPod with story tapes on and earphones just to keep her sufficiently quiet for them. Tonight we went out for dinner and she was very excited...her daily life is just her and I usually out of school time, so for her having 3 extra adults around was special..and she was noisy and not sitting down. Am I a terrible mum I didn't/ couldn't get her to calm down? / how would you recommend I do? She's a brilliant child just seems to act up when my family are around! I'm so worried when my brother and his gf (the favoured people) have kids, my parents will have even less interest in my naughty child (as they call her). She is a wonderful, kind and articulate girl, just sometimes more loud and less responsive to instructions than I'd like!

You have to remember that you are her mother and you are her influence, not your mother - unless she wants to come and live with you and parent your daughter 24/7!!

It sounds as if the boundary setting needs to take place with your parents first.

I would also suggest that, if spending time with your parents in the situations you describe are stressing you, I'd limit them and do what someone else suggests - a more child-friendly venue, a more suitable time, a shorter outing, a drop in visit, you go in your own cars etc, etc.

Give yourself a bit of space and be kind to yourself. I am sure your DD is not really awful. Nothing stands out from your post. She's just being 5.

Do you live with your mother?
If not, cut down the visiting.
If you do, move out.
If you can't move out, tell your mother she needs to stop undermining you.

Sounds like you're still acting the child to your parent. You're a grown and equal woman - tell her that you're in charge of behaviour, not her.

Thank you everyone. I appreciate your replies more than you will know! It's so so so bloody reassuring that it's not me being a failure as a mum (as my brother says). She's a little twat but she is respectful and sits down through dinner, she just doesn't get the adult interaction from anyone but me. My family are all about my eldest brother and his ironman competitions and it's literally all that gets talked about, when she tries to talk about her day she gets ignored or told to be quiet! X

Your family sound hard work.
Please please learn to drive. It will liberate you immensely.

You need to directly tell your family that they are not to tell your dd to ignore your instructions. As well as making it difficult for you to parent effectively, they are being incredibly unfair on her.

Equally, you need to make sure your child follows your instructions even when others are telling her not to. At 5 she is perfectly capable of understanding this. In firm voice "I don't care what nanny told you, I said not to and you must do as I tell you".

If your family really can't get on board with this, you need to see them less as they are teaching your daughter to ignore you, which sets you up for a lot of problems in later years.

They sound a weird bunch. They tell her she's naughty, to stay quiet and don't interact with her, but then undermine you when you try and discipline her?

DD isn't great at listening to boring adult chat at mealtimes...she can just about cope if people are talking such that she can actually follow, and answer her questions, or with an alternating pattern...so adults talk for a bit, DD talks for a bit etc.

TBH I think the person boring on about Iron man stuff was worse behaved!

Your brother is the twat, not your dd,.

Calling a 5 year old a twat is awful.

I really wish I could give you each a hug.. I thank you so much for being on my side, my family constantly tell me I'm a shit mum (as I'm a single mum and my dd doesn't have a dad...because he is a lying twunk with a secret family i didn't know about) they tell me it's my fault my dd is naughty (never mind the fact she has a reading age of 9 and a vocabulary to go with it) x

The problem isn't your daughters behaviour it's your daughters security and confidence in her world when you're around your family. I have the same issue with my kids for the first few minutes when my parents are around because of issues when they're visiting their father and his family.

Paternal grandparents regularly overrule the father in all decisions and the kids joke about it and how they can get things bought for them or get to do things their father doesn't want them to but the reason they tell me about it is because it makes them feel uncomfortable.

We holiday with my parents, we have one week just us and then my parents arrive for the second week, and the very first thing that happens is the kids try and get my parents to overrule me on something or they break a rule we've had all week hoping I won't enforce it or that I'll be overruled if I do. I used to feel that I couldn't speak up, drifting into the child position once my parents were there, and life would descend into a mess very quickly but eventually I realised that the kids lost their security and confidence in who was in charge and the behaviour issues came from there.

I'm sure that, if she's ok when it's just you two, you'll find family events much better if you tell the overrulers to shut up and maintain your control over the situation.

Eggy you are right, calling her a twat isn't right, I think it's just a colloquialism we use, meaning an idiot or a silly person. X

What you said above about her being ignored in favour of other people talking struck a chord with me. If she is an intelligent and articulate child, it sounds like she has things to say. However your family seem dismissive of her because she's young; accordingly the only way for her to get attention and to be heard is to be loud and act up.

Perhaps encourage your family to listen to her, let her participate in conversation. I noticed a few years ago when I was in France, that the families there really engage with their children in a very mature way - particularly when they are having dinner. They involve them in conversation and really listen to what they have to say. They encouraged the kids to participate in conversation, respected their input and asked them lots of questions. As a result, I noted that children, particularly in restaurants, were very calm, would sit and talk with their families, were engaged in their social environment and weren't prone to acting up.

If your daughter is very intelligent, she needs mental stimulation or she will be bored very quickly; and if she is shut down when she wants to say something, then she will get frustrated. Sometimes older people are dismissive of children and assume that anything they have to say will be silly or trivial. Perhaps speak to them about engaging with your DD in conversation rather than shushing her. Even if she rambles a bit, who cares, she's 5 years old - if she is encouraged she will grow up to be a great conversationalist.

The expectations of your family in the car are unreasonable. It's fair to not want people shouting and being distracting but a driver should be able to handle normal conversation.

I would also suggest a conversation with your folks too about consistency in relation to instructions etc. Your daughter is getting mixed messages - she's confused and frustrated. Everyone needs to be on the same page.

At 5, I think it's very unreasonable of your parents to expect her to sit in silence in the car. No screams/squeals, yes, but she should be allowed to chat. My (very bright, very well behaved) dd would have struggled to remember at 5 that she wasn't allowed to talk.

In a restaurant, I'd expect a 5yo to be able to sit nicely, without toys/colouring books etc, as long as the adults were making an effort to include her in the conversation. However, it wouldn't be fair to expect her to sit in silence if she were being ignored/excluded for extended periods of time.

The real problem sounds like she is getting very mixed messages from the adults around her. If your parents are undermining your instructions, it's no wonder that she doesn't know what she can and can't do. You are her mum, and your parents need to start backing you up a bit.

Your dd sounds lovely, and it sounds like you're doing fine. However, I think you need to have a serious chat with your parents...

alfa speaks a lot of sense.

Seems like shes possibly picked up on them overiding your rules. Kids can play up a bit with the mixed messages thing going on. She sounds like a regular 5 year old to me. Also if she picks up on you being more on edge in their presence she will be more likely to play up a bit.

Alfa I have to admit they are dismissive of her because she is female, I've always been bottom of the oack to my brothers because I'm a girl. My family don't really think girls are of an equal standing to men.

The problem really isn't your dd. It is your parents. She is just doing what most grandchildren do, excitedly telling them about her day, asking them to join in with her current activity.

If she's as intelligent and articulate as you say, then it should be even easier for her to interact with other adults and therefore them to interact in return - dd1 has a friend who is an only child. She is very confident when around grow ups as that's who she spends the majority of her time with. Not so much with other children but it's a work in progress :)

A restaurant really isn't a fun place for a young child who will be excited to see her grandparents when they are more likely to want her to be a mini grown up, sit at the table quietly and have impeccable manners so they aren't shown up.

It's almost like they want to be seen with her, but not actually spend time with her as they've lost the art of what to do with a small child.

Quiet chatter in a car isn't generally a problem. But loudly trying to get 'grandpa' to look at what she's showing while he's driving isn't acceptable. But I think until you drive yourself, you are less likely to appreciate quite how distracting it can be. I have 4 dc and have learnt to tune out a lot of their blether. But every now and then they do need to be told to shush as I'm concentrating.

And I really do second learning to drive if you can.

Your family sound as if they may be punishing and belittling you for being a single mum. Ridiculous and cruel. How dare your mother tell your daughter to take no notice of you?! They are destroying your confidence, believe in yourself, you're doing your best to bring up your little girl without family support.
See as little of these people as possible, take your daughter to restaurants and other places on your own. She'll soon see how other children behave in public, at libraries and museums. Often there are fun activity sessions to join in. Go in their cars as little as possible too.
When you do have to see them remind her beforehand of a few simple rules to stick to, whatever you think will cause least trouble. She's only 5 after all.
Good luck, come on here when you need a boost, or a virtual hug!

brokenbiscuit said it a bit better than me but is spot on.

Sounds like your child's behaviour is less concerning than your family's tbh. Sounds like a tricky situation as you dont have anyone to back you up.

I had to reread several times to see if it was you that called your dd a twat though. I know you explained why but still - silly would be a less harsh term!

I take my dd out lots for meals, we often just do a mc Donalds, or fish and chips on the beach, or pizzas etc in restaurant, or 3 course meal in restaurant and she behaves impeccably. When it's just us chatting she is awesome,! I guess my original post was to reassure myself I'm not a terrible mum and my daughter isn't so bad!! X

I think your family are utterly unreasonable. Your dd doesn't sound naughty, badly behaved or anything like that. She's not awful. Her behaviour's pretty normal.

Stop buying into their descriptions. Stop it NOW. You're not doing her any good by spending time with them with her. She's learning (just like you already have) that she is WRONG. She isn't. Don't allow her to be treated like that. And if it means seeing a lot less - a very great deal less - of your parents and your boring brother, then that will be a blessing on both of you.

Your daughter is GREAT. She reads like a 9 year old, she is vivacious, interested in things, happy, articulate. If what she sees is her mum being put down, undermined, and she herself is being told her behaviour is dreadful, that she is noisy and badly behaved, she is treated as boring..... well, how do you think that's going to affect her long term?

My GD is a wonderfully behaved child (well, most of the time ) when I have her on her own but when her Mother and I get together she can be a nightmare. That is because our attention isn't focussed on her and she is often bored as we are talking about grown-up stuff which means nothing to her. That is soooo normal. We tend to ask her to wait for a short time whilst we finish what we were saying and then let her talk about what she wants to for a little while before distracting her with a toy/colouring so we can get back to gassing. As adults we would be quite annoyed if someone hogged the whole conversation and would probably end up fiddling with the cutlery, eating all the bread or something and your daughter is only doing her own version of that. Your family don't seem to be child centred or encouraging to your efforts in parenting. If they so obviously have a golden child, their parenting skills aren't too much so why would you talk parenting advice from them? It sounds like you are doing a grand job as you are obviously catering to her needs and should continue to do so.

I guess if you are both really close and have a good relationship that might cause some kind of jealousy from your family? Also your dd is probably used to you speaking kindly to her and giving her attention so not used to all the criticism.

Extended families are difficult, maybe make some subtle suggestions that your parents praise her when she is behaving nicely, but without turning it into a thing. You are not a bad mum and her behaviour is very normal for that age.