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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I absolutely do not owe him child maintenance?

75 replies

notagainnellie · 04/09/2016 20:48

He earns very little and I earn £45k before tax. He left following infidelity, not that it's relevant. He has seen the dc very little over the summer, especially ds2 who's not a cricket fan, to the detriment of his relationship with his dad.

I dropped them off today, reminding him that tomorrow is an inset day - Monday is his day during term time anyway. He did a huge sigh and told me it was 'ridiculous' that he has them every inset. He temps in schools, so obviously would not get any work on the first day back, while, as a teacher, I would not feel able to ask for the first day back after a 6 week holiday off Hmm. Anyway, I said nothing other than reminded him that we had agreed this during mediation. He then said that had been 'bollocks' and that he has checked and I should be paying him £60 a week cm, based on my income. I didn't want to argue in front of the dc, so didn't really reply, but I have come home and checked on the calculator and it seems he is right.

We agreed at mediation he wouldn't ask for spousal maintenance (had been a sahd) and nothing was said about cm. In term time he has them 4 nights per fortnight, though has had them far less then that over the summer - which I have been happy about, but it wasn't what he insisted he wanted Confused.

The only thing he pays for is the meals they have when with him. I cover EVERYTHING else, and am happy to do so, but am fucked if I am going to be handing over £200 per month for a few plates of pasta. That could be going to their so-far-non-existent university funds. AIBU? I'm sick of the whole thing.

OP posts:
Lucked · 04/09/2016 21:07

I am undecided because presumably without children he could live in a one bedroom and, if he has at least two bedrooms, you could argue that cost into having them rather than just plates of pasta.

What are the exact arrangement during term time? Does he do drop off/pick ups or are the kids in childcare?

AyeAmarok · 04/09/2016 21:07

I think you are getting the paying and receiving parent the wrong way round.

MephistoMarley · 04/09/2016 21:07

The calculator you used assumed you were the non resident parent. Of course you don't pay him. What a dick

Soubriquet · 04/09/2016 21:10

The children live with you the majority of the time right?

You do all the day to day care yes?

In which case he owes you money. Not the other way round

BombadierFritz · 04/09/2016 21:10

yup. what a dick. put in a claim just to piss him off :)

Fourormore · 04/09/2016 21:11

You definitely don't pay him if the children stay with you the majority of the time.

If the split of care was equal, no maintenance would be due.
If the children stayed with him more nights than they stayed with you over the course of a year then you would pay him.

He is absolutely mistaken. It has absolutely nothing to do with who earns more.

HobnailsandTaffeta · 04/09/2016 21:12

A recent trip to a lawyer told me that while you don't owe him CM you may well owe him spousal maintenance if he was a SAHD. Are you divorced? If so then not but if not then it's needs based so if he is in need and you have the money you may have to pay.

"Probably" not if you have main care of DC and other outgoing but possibly.

DixieNormas · 04/09/2016 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
notagainnellie · 04/09/2016 21:15

I just don't know what's fair. I am definitely the 'default' parent, if that's a thing, hence him not having them much over the summer. He does pick up from school and drop off when he has them, but it's only Monday afternoons, Tuesday mornings and every other Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday morning.

I have googled extensively and think it does not cost him much more to have a two-bed, but I could be proved wrong on that. He has chosen to live nearer his friends than the dc, which is another issue, and it is a more expensive area he now lives in.

OP posts:
Lelloteddy · 04/09/2016 21:17

You are the resident parent.
He should be paying the maintenance to you. He can apply for a slight reduction for the 4 nights a month he has them.

And spousal maintenance? How about he gets himself a job?

MephistoMarley · 04/09/2016 21:18

We have all told you what is fair. Why are you all hand wringing over this? He's wrong, end of story.

jimbob1 · 04/09/2016 21:21

It doesn't matter who earns more. The resident parent should receive the maintenance. You owe him nothing!

Soubriquet · 04/09/2016 21:23

If you are that worried, make an appointment with someone who knows what they are talking about

BombadierFritz · 04/09/2016 21:23

the csa is the governments idea of the absolute minimum it is fair for the non resident parent to pay. sounds reasonable to me. what does it say if you put yourself as receiving parent, his income, and 100 nights a year at his?

BombadierFritz · 04/09/2016 21:24

btw just curious but why didnt he go for main residence if he was the sahp?

Original poster
notagainnellie · 04/09/2016 21:25

It's the way spousal and child maintenance are separated I suppose. I feel I may owe him the former, but certainly not the latter, but that really makes no sense, as if I had to pay sm that would ultimately take money from the dc.

Also, I had ds2 this morning asking why I've had them more than daddy over the summer. I had to make light of it, but it hurt that I am seen as the 'bad guy' who's not been fair to daddy, when he hasn't wanted them. I've loved having them, but why am I the bad guy, and why hasn't he wanted them after insisting that he did??

OP posts:
category12 · 04/09/2016 21:27

You've got it the wrong way round, unless he is the resident parent. Which he isn't.

SharonfromEON · 04/09/2016 21:28

The law is clear..You are the RP... He owes you maintenance.. Maintenance is worked out on nights not hours..

He is wrong.. just ignore his nonsense..

.

annielouise · 04/09/2016 21:38

This leaflet will help.

If he's on benefits he has to give you £7 per week.

If he has them one night a week then there's a reduction on this.

www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/325219/how-we-work-out-child-maintenance.pdf

QuiteLikely5 · 04/09/2016 21:41

I have seen your previous posts. He was the SAHP whilst you worked but had an affair with a good friend.

You are imo very lucky that he left the DC to you ands if not seek residency imo because he gave up his career to look after the DC then I'm not surprised he is asking for a little financial support

Cherrysoup · 04/09/2016 21:42

He's an idiot and has got the cm thing reversed in his tiny little head, bless him. You are the main carer so he should be paying you. Send him the links you were given to clarify for his addled little brain.

Original poster
notagainnellie · 04/09/2016 21:49

Quitelikely if you have really read my previous threads carefully you will know that he gave up no career whatsoever to be a sahd. I am indeed lucky to have the dc, but he was 38 when our eldest was born and had no career, so it was an obvious choice for him to be sahd, though I was happy with it at the time. I will always dispute the law's assumption that a sahp has made some sort of sacrifice, because it is absolutely not always the case.

OP posts:
RB68 · 04/09/2016 21:50

Just tell him good luck with claiming and that he needs to remember that with maintenance comes responsibility for halving the costs of school trips, uniform, shoes, coats, clothes, trainers, school bags, club payments, extra curricular activites like footie, dancing, gym, karati or whatever so tell him to think about it carefully. Or just deliver them with a bag of pasta to keep him happy

LyndaNotLinda · 04/09/2016 21:51

The OP is very lucky QuiteLikely? How do you work that out? Hmm

RB68 · 04/09/2016 21:53

But QuiteLikely that is all irrelevant he did leave the kids with her (luck has nothing to do with it) so she shouldn't have to pay him or not get support from him if that is what she is entitled to. If he isn't entitled to it then he shouldn't get it UNLESS she wants to help him out which doesn't seem to be the case