To think my son should have a room

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My ex has two homes. One he bought about a year ago, the other about ten years ago. His older three DC (21,18,14) by his ex wife each have a room of their own in both homes (as well as a room in their mother's house). They keep various books, clothes and other stuff in their rooms, as well as various other stuff floating around the house eg sports stuff, games, outdoor coats etc.

Our son is 3.5 and has never had a room in either home. He is allowed to keep two toys in the "playroom" of Home 1 because they aren't easily portable. He is not allowed to leave any clothes or toddler equipment eg small cutlery or a child loo seat. Although, I have recently stealthily left a small bag of toiletries for him (child toothbrush & paste) there so he has something to use when he stays over. He has to sleep in his half-sister's room (in a four poster bed) in Home 1, which isn't very suitable a) because he's only little & used to a cotbed and b) because it has a large low opening window with a 20ft drop beneath it.

In Home 2, he has nothing at all, but then he's never been invited to stay the night there so it's less of an issue.

I am not U enough to have made a Thing out of this before because I have up til now done virtually all the care of our son and therefore it makes sense most of his things are with me. Howeve as he's got older and needs less hands on care, his father feels he can better manage him on his own and so our son has started doing short 1-3 night sleepovers at Home 1 with a view to building up to being able to stay a week or two at a time.

I think it's time his father allocated a room to our son, which he could call his own and where he could leave a few items of clothing and books/toys and anything else his father doesn't want around the house.
It would probably mean one of the other children giving up one of their rooms, but the older two are at university now & the younger is at boarding school, and they do have two other bedrooms each elsewhere.

I have tried suggesting maybe now it's time for this but my ex won't countenance it. He says our son doesn't stay with him often enough to disrupt one of his other children. I think this is U?

I have wondered before whether it might be better for all concerned for DS to have no contact with his father, if his father is unwilling/can't make an effort. However I have always stopped short of this mainly because I have felt it is a huge call to make on DS's behalf.

I think you deserve massive credit for this, OP. But your Ex should only be getting overnight visits if he treats your DS properly.

the biggest thing for me is the large low down window, he's only 3 and that's not safe at all!
He also shouldn't be expected to bring his toothbrush and everything with him if he stays so often, a child's toothbrush costs what a pound?
I really think you need to talk to your ex about the window issue, best of luck.

Be as cross and judgemental as you like. Fact remains its his house and how he uses it is none of it is your concern or the OPs.

Not the OP's concern how her son's father treats her son?

I think it's worth continuing with this relationship while DS wants to. 3.5 is still quite little, lots of larger families would have a child of that age still in with the parents if their older children were using up the bedrooms. Maybe try asking what his longer term plan is for DS to have his own room. E.g. when he's 5, 7, 10 etc. Or work towards him feeling at home on a smaller scale like a toybox, his own bed in sister's room etc. Just out of interest, what happens to toys his Dad buys him - birthday presents etc?

Fact remains its his house and how he uses it is none of it is your concern or the OPs

But it is the OPs concern how he treats their son when he is there, and that includes where he sleeps.

That's a whole can of worms appleandblack. There was some frantic driving around the county the night before DS' birthday this year, buying a pre-owned toy from someone on eBay. DS father tried to send it back with DS but I said no, it should stay at Home 2 because he's got more space and at least there would be one thing suitable for DS to play with when he's there. There is also a train set I sent him with on one occasion, and that's it.

Apart from that, all Christmas and birthday presents live with DS and me.

raffles yes a snob, which is one reason why I don't want a relationship with my ex. Selfishness also comes to mind. I know I will find him difficult to deal with forever, but I'm still not sure I can deprive DS of a chance of a relationship with him because of our issues.

Lagunabubbles

No its not. He has a place to sleep. What happens when he is in his fathers care, within obvious limitations (ie no human sacrifice etc), is none of her business.

Such a difference between how he treats the children (things like belongs space tolerance as opposed to other stuff) is a welfare issue and is the ops concern

I would refuse to leave him until the window had a lock and I had seen it.

Raffles you seem to be transferring your own issues....

When his father has custody in his house it is entirely his responsibility.

Raffles I am happy things have worked out for you in most areas of your life, but I am very sad to hear about your parents.

I don't think I am much like your mother from the sound of things. I am single largely because I a) can't put up with BS and b) need to be mother, father and siblings for DS all in one. I have literally no time for timewasters.

To all the people who've advised encouraging DS's father to take me to court, OK, so that's a way of being more aggressive to someone who hasn't behaved as I would ideally like...but what positive do you think might come of it? What would I learn that I don't already know?

The fact your ex has had to "work up" to looking after his son says that he's a pretty crap dad TBH...

I think your DS needs his own space and somewhere to leave his stuff (the bottom drawer in one of the bedrooms??) but not necessarily his own room that no one else uses, at least until he's a bit older

raffles

My point was when he has custody he has 100% responsibility, irrespective of your or anyone else's slightly hysterical opinions. His house, his custody time, he gets to do it his way. Had the tables been turned and he was insisting whilst she had custody things were done the way he wanted there would have been hundreds of threads insisting he was an unreasonable bastard.

Your ex is a crap dad to your son. He seems to love his older kids more. Is it because he doesn't like younger ones, because they are harder to manage? Either way, don't send your son to his place. Issue an ultimatum. No room, no seeing DC.