Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my son should have a room

71 replies

stickystick · 04/09/2016 19:29

My ex has two homes. One he bought about a year ago, the other about ten years ago. His older three DC (21,18,14) by his ex wife each have a room of their own in both homes (as well as a room in their mother's house). They keep various books, clothes and other stuff in their rooms, as well as various other stuff floating around the house eg sports stuff, games, outdoor coats etc.

Our son is 3.5 and has never had a room in either home. He is allowed to keep two toys in the "playroom" of Home 1 because they aren't easily portable. He is not allowed to leave any clothes or toddler equipment eg small cutlery or a child loo seat. Although, I have recently stealthily left a small bag of toiletries for him (child toothbrush & paste) there so he has something to use when he stays over. He has to sleep in his half-sister's room (in a four poster bed) in Home 1, which isn't very suitable a) because he's only little & used to a cotbed and b) because it has a large low opening window with a 20ft drop beneath it.

In Home 2, he has nothing at all, but then he's never been invited to stay the night there so it's less of an issue.

I am not U enough to have made a Thing out of this before because I have up til now done virtually all the care of our son and therefore it makes sense most of his things are with me. Howeve as he's got older and needs less hands on care, his father feels he can better manage him on his own and so our son has started doing short 1-3 night sleepovers at Home 1 with a view to building up to being able to stay a week or two at a time.

I think it's time his father allocated a room to our son, which he could call his own and where he could leave a few items of clothing and books/toys and anything else his father doesn't want around the house.
It would probably mean one of the other children giving up one of their rooms, but the older two are at university now & the younger is at boarding school, and they do have two other bedrooms each elsewhere.

I have tried suggesting maybe now it's time for this but my ex won't countenance it. He says our son doesn't stay with him often enough to disrupt one of his other children. I think this is U?

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 05/09/2016 00:18

What was the point of "stealthily" dropping off a toothbrush and paste. A 3.5 year old is not capable of fetching his toothbrush from the hiding place, using it and rehiding it, all on his own initiative.
So either he isn't using the toothbrush and his teeth are going unbrushed (which needs to be tackled directly with your Ex as that cannot be allowed to continue) or the Ex is already helping with toothbrushing, in which case your subterfuge seems odd.

Original poster
stickystick · 05/09/2016 01:32

ninasimone yes they do, they all met him shortly after he was born and since then have seen him occasionally. Maybe 1-3 times a year. All friendly. They think he is very cute and seem fond of him but they don't see him often enough to be really close. I don't know what they think or say about me behind my back but always amicable when we meet.

Abernathys I am worried sick about that window. There's no lock. His father knows it's dodgy too.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/09/2016 01:47

YeOld

It is perfectly normal for a parent who has their child at the weekend to be meeting the childs needs during that time.
it's not bad behaviour on behalf of your sons ex to expect your son to meet his childs needs

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/09/2016 01:49

Reading this thread is quite sad. It's surprising just how many people automatically assume it's always going to be the mum being controlling rather than a dad whose a bit of a let down.

Original poster
stickystick · 05/09/2016 01:50

Perspicacia Didn't hide it, but it was stealthy in the way I left it there, in that I didn't tell my ex I had left it until afterwards. He doesn't like DS keeping anything at his house so he would have tried to stop me leaving it if he had known. But I wanted to be sure there was no excuse for no toothbrushing.

OP posts:
shinynewusername · 05/09/2016 01:53

It sounds as if your Ex has no interest in having your DS to stay. The signs are pretty clear if an experienced father doesn't even clean your DS' teeth and knowingly puts him in danger with the window. Not having his own room is part of the same lack of interest.

It's sad that his father isn't interested but, as he isn't, i can't understand why you are pushing your DS going there. If your Ex can't even be arsed to clean his teeth, he's hardly likely to be fulfiling his emotional needs. Your Ex sounds a complete tool.

trafalgargal · 05/09/2016 01:54

Why on earth would you sneak bits into another family's home .......as for the nonsense that a father of two other older children needs his ex to act as a nanny in his home because he can't handle a toddler. Utter nonsense, he's having you on or playing a weird game with you.

If he wants your son to stay he provides for his needs not you.

trafalgargal · 05/09/2016 01:56

Who wants him to do overnights , you or your ex ?

Nicnak2223 · 05/09/2016 01:59

If exs kids are 14 18 and 21 why does his house have a play room, surely this must be for your son? Confused

Original poster
stickystick · 05/09/2016 02:08

He's peppered me with calls in the last two days wanting me to arrange a visit for DS to Home 2. I haven't replied yet. I feel I can't refuse because DS loves his dad, and because his dad doesn't see him that much so who am I to say no when he does? But on the other hand I am not happy about the teeth and the window and the fact that there's such a huge gap in treatment and inclusion between the older 3 DC and the youngest. I think it's mean to give three kids two rooms each and one kid none. At 3.5 DS may not have clocked this quite yet but he will soon.

Ex says he can't look after DS on his own for long stretches of time because he is very busy: he is self employed and works (fairly random hours) from home plus he has three older DC who need him plus he has two homes to run. His words not mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
stickystick · 05/09/2016 02:18

trafargal Home 1 is a long way (6.5 hr round trip) from where I live, so it's not practical to do a day return.

nic the teenagers use it for playing Xbox and watching TV. But ten years ago they were 4, 8 and 11 when it presumably had toys in it..

OP posts:
FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 05/09/2016 02:35

Thread has moved on but just to go back to swisschocolate - it would be considered neglect that a child didn't have their own bed and their own things at their own house.

The whole situation sounds weird. I would be less concerned if the older boy had the playroom as his occasional bedroom, especially as they clearly have enough room but prefer to have the youngest child treated as an occasional unwanted visitor.

Rafflesway · 05/09/2016 02:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cexuwaleozbu · 05/09/2016 06:16

Basically, what rafflesway said. This man regards his older children as his "real" family and your DS is the little [b word meaning illegitimate] that he never wanted but is taking a distant interest in but doesn't want a true father-son relationship with.

Stop enabling contact. State that you do not believe that this man has the physical and emotional wellbeing of your DS at heart and will be happy to cooperate with contact if he can demonstrate a change of heart but not before.

It is dangerous for your DS's physical and emotional wellbeing to be going there at the moment. This isn't about the bedroom but the low window, the no toothbrushing without your own efforts to enforce it, the not being allowed to have his own possessions there. This man is not treating your DS as a son.

He will probably take you to court as a matter of pride. You will need to tell the court that you only stopped the visits due to genuine concerns for your child's wellbeing. You will need to give evidence which should include the unsafe low window, the lack of care for DS's health and the being treated like a 2nd class and not very welcome visitor not a son. What ought to happen at that point should be that the court orders a set schedule of contact but includes a ruling on these issues of safety and nurture - it may be that he is only granted contact at a supervised contact centre until such time as he can show proper parental nurturing. You certainly shouldn't be expected to drop everything to go with him.and provide supervision and care due to the father being an inadequate parent.

swisschocolate · 05/09/2016 07:21

Thread has moved on but just to go back to swisschocolate - it would be considered neglect that a child didn't have their own bed and their own things at their own house.

Total rubbish. Many children of separated parents do not have their own bed at the house of the non resident parent.

BewtySkoolDropowt · 05/09/2016 07:28

The 14yo needs a room of their own.

The 18yo is presumably fairly newly at uni, and there's no way I would be taking over their room at this stage - 18 is still pretty young.

Which leaves the 21yo's room to be shared between them. Which is what is happening.

Instead of raising the issue of them having their own room, you need to raise the safety issues. That's much more important.

FayKorgasm · 05/09/2016 07:43

I agree with the others who say your ex has no real interest in being a dad to your ds. Save him the heartache and get set contact days sorted. It won't be long until he will be "too busy" to have ds.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 05/09/2016 08:15

swiss - then may I draw your attention back to my original post where I said 'if he was there all the time'?

Social workers come on here all the time and say an indicator of neglect can be no bed for the child and no personal belongings.

Cabrinha · 05/09/2016 12:58

Right, given the extra information, I have no idea why you are enabling this arsehole.

Time to tell him that you think your son is old enough now to do contact time on his own.
Offer alternate Saturday nights - sonething minimal.
Tell him in writing it's conditional on the window being fixed (ain't no court in the land going to disagree with you on that one).
You are not your ex's unpaid babysitter.
Sounds like an accidental pregnancy in a not particularly developed (or possibly even serious) relationship - you owe this man nothing.
Do not do the 6.5 hour round trip for access - unless you moved away, but this sounds not the case.

You're probably worried it'll be your fault if your son 'loses' his father if you don't do all the running. But you have to see your son if better off without him if he'd allow that to happen.

Oh and make sure he's paying whatever CMS he should be. Your posts scream that there'll be some special arrangement there.

Original poster
stickystick · 05/09/2016 13:10

raffles although the circs are a little different the outcome in essence is as you say. From your experience is it better for a child not to have contact with an unenthusiastic father at all, do you think?

I have wondered before whether it might be better for all concerned for DS to have no contact with his father, if his father is unwilling/can't make an effort. However I have always stopped short of this mainly because I have felt it is a huge call to make on DS's behalf. I don't want to be blamed by DS later in life for him not having any relationship with his father, even if it would have been I'm perfect. DS really does love his dad, and gets really excited when he is going to see him.

So I have hung in there trying to keep the door open for a better father/son relationship to develop over time. There IS some evidence that DS's dad has changed his attitude a bit as DS has got older. He is quite affectionate with him and he has started having him for sleepovers on his own which he never used to do. He also recently purchased two insanely expensive portrait photos of DS, one to hang in each of his homes. Would you do that if you wanted nothing to do with your son?

I just don't think set contact days will work though. We have tried these before and he's never been able to stick to them. He always has reasons eg overseas travel for work, or being away in Home 1 (3+ hours away) not Home 2 (20 mins away)... I have previously considered refusing any contact at all to force him to take me to court but see above - I do not want to be the one blamed for stopping him seeing his dad.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 05/09/2016 13:12

You need to stop trying so hard. I know you have your DS best interests at heart but in the process its actually functioning as the opposite. Your ex doesnt sound as if wants to have a big role in being a Father to your DS, its like hes paying lip service. Let him take you to court - see what happens then.

LagunaBubbles · 05/09/2016 13:15

He also recently purchased two insanely expensive portrait photos of DS, one to hang in each of his homes. Would you do that if you wanted nothing to do with your son?

Theres a big difference between wanting and trying to be a good Dad and wanting to be SEEN as a good Dad.

Original poster
stickystick · 05/09/2016 13:18

sorry that should have said "even if it wouldn't have been perfect"

cabrinha didn't understand you penultimate para?

He pays child support - what the formula says it should be. All goes on childcare of course but very helpful nonetheless.

OP posts:
Original poster
stickystick · 05/09/2016 13:20

laguna now that is a true sentence if ever I heard one on MN

OP posts:
0dfod · 05/09/2016 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread