AIBU to stop seeing the Mother in law??

[user1469300540]

I guess I'm reaching out for people opinions and advice really as I'm really struggling atm!

So the back story. DH and I have been together over 8 years. The first 4 were spent in a different county due to my university and then job offer. For all this time his mother never bothered to visit us or ask to meet up when we travelled back to see my family (I am very close to my parents.). We would get a 3 minute phone call once every 6 months to tell us about their latest holiday but that would be it. DH fell out with his dad years ago and so their relationship is pretty much dead but MIL is still married to his father (make sense?).

We finally moved back home 4 years ago and again we saw her once a year for about an hour and that was it. She's never sent us a Xmas card or birthday card. We invited her to our wedding 2 years ago (not FIL) and she spent the whole time crying and slagging off my parents (my parents had paid for half the wedding and were heavily involved in the day).

September last year we found out we were pregnant and all of sudden she started wanting to visit every month. She spent the whole pregnancy moaning that she didn't know what to buy for the baby and didn't buy anything but then moaned that my family and DH and I had bought everything. I offered suggestions of things we needed or would like but she just moaned that she didn't know what to buy. When my due was near she cried because i wouldn't tell her when I was going to go into labour. I didn't want anyone to know as I didn't want the extra pressure or feel that we needed to keep updating people. I wanted it to just be me and my DH.

Anyway DD was born and she wants to visit every month. She calls and expects me to be free and fit in around her forgetting that I have committing to baby groups and I also do childcare for my sister each week. She comes round and will just talk about her holidays. She asks nothing about our DD and shows her no interest. She has no idea where she is in her development or what she likes etc because she doesn't ask and if I try to tell her she just switches off and talks about another holiday or night out. We hear nothing from her until she wants to next visit. No phone calls or texts to see how we are. When she does visit she just wants a photo of DD to show her friends and that's it!

I've found out today that's she's upset that I keep cancelling her. I've never cancelled her!!! I asked to rearrange from 12 o'clock to 9 o'clock! And that she doesn't understand why i won't let her babysit. (My parents and sister do all our babysitting which is about once every 2monthe so DH and I can have a date night. My mum insists that we do this and we don't complain!). I just don't think her babysitting is appropriate. She knows nothing about me; not even my birthday or how I take my tea. She doesn't know my DD routine or likes etc as she shows now interest. And a big part of me is really upset that she ignored us for 7 years but now we have a child wants to visit loads!

To make matter worse DH hates seeing her so I end up seeing her on my own when he's at work to keep the peace. I always end up feeling angry and upset when I see her.

I guess what I'm asking is AIBU to stop seeing her? We have no relationship really and she just wants photos of DD which I can post to her regularly! DH wants nothing to do with her either. would do others think?
X

Is your dh an only child or has he got siblings?

You say in one of your posts that your DD cries when your MIL tries to cuddle her. So she is not just sitting in silence or taking photographs then. She is trying to interact even if it is not working and maybe she is going about it in the wrong way. She is obviously rubbish at relationships but it sounds as though she is wanting one with her grandaughter. I would give her a chance.

"When she does visit she just wants a photo of DD to show her friends and that's it!"

Ah. So her visits are not about having a relationship with your daughter, it is about maintaining the pretence to her friends that she has a relationship with your daughter.

Seriously, stop trying. Your husband wants nothing to do with her and even with him withholding details, you KNOW he's not wrong. Her visits leave you angry, and there is no developing relationship between her and your daughter. So jack it in. Don't have her visit. And if she cries at you about that, tell her why. 'Because you have no real interest in DD you just don't want to admit that to your friends and I have no real interest in your holidays, now fuck off.'

I wouldn't see her alone, only with DH there - so if he doesn't want to see her that would be it.

If you do carry on seeing her alone, stop changing your plans to accommodate her. Get on with your toddler groups, normal routine etc. Don't drop everything to suit her but let her know when you are free to see her when she contacts you - if she comes at those times fine, if not fine. Also, if you don't like her in your home, meet on neutral territory. That also makes it easier to terminate a difficult meeting by leaving for an appointment etc.

What a tricky situation.

She clearly doesn't have a genuine interest in her GDD and I think she just likes the image. Is this her only GC?

If your DH isn't interested in seeing her, then I'd likely pull back and start ignoring her. I'd tell her you'd find it easier if she could arrange visits through your DH from now on.

Then just stop responding to her. I can't stand it when people visit you and can't be bothered to engage in conversation.

Just don't bother with her anymore. I can't see what value she adds to your life or your DDs life at the moment.

You need to respect your DH. They are HIS parents. If he does not want a relationship with them, then you need to back off. He obviously has a reason that he doesn't want anything to do with them yet you keep inviting this woman into your and his home. Stop.

OP, your MIL sounds similar to my mother. i got to the stage where each visit left me feeling down and angry. That wasn't good for me and esp not good for my baby. I cut my losses and used the time instead with people that make me feel good about myself and are genuinely interested with my little one. Life is short, don't feel obliged to spend time with this woman if it's not healthy for your family unit. Yes, blood is thicker than water but time is precious so spend it with those people who "fill you up" not knock you down.