AIBU to stop seeing the Mother in law??

[user1469300540]

I guess I'm reaching out for people opinions and advice really as I'm really struggling atm!

So the back story. DH and I have been together over 8 years. The first 4 were spent in a different county due to my university and then job offer. For all this time his mother never bothered to visit us or ask to meet up when we travelled back to see my family (I am very close to my parents.). We would get a 3 minute phone call once every 6 months to tell us about their latest holiday but that would be it. DH fell out with his dad years ago and so their relationship is pretty much dead but MIL is still married to his father (make sense?).

We finally moved back home 4 years ago and again we saw her once a year for about an hour and that was it. She's never sent us a Xmas card or birthday card. We invited her to our wedding 2 years ago (not FIL) and she spent the whole time crying and slagging off my parents (my parents had paid for half the wedding and were heavily involved in the day).

September last year we found out we were pregnant and all of sudden she started wanting to visit every month. She spent the whole pregnancy moaning that she didn't know what to buy for the baby and didn't buy anything but then moaned that my family and DH and I had bought everything. I offered suggestions of things we needed or would like but she just moaned that she didn't know what to buy. When my due was near she cried because i wouldn't tell her when I was going to go into labour. I didn't want anyone to know as I didn't want the extra pressure or feel that we needed to keep updating people. I wanted it to just be me and my DH.

Anyway DD was born and she wants to visit every month. She calls and expects me to be free and fit in around her forgetting that I have committing to baby groups and I also do childcare for my sister each week. She comes round and will just talk about her holidays. She asks nothing about our DD and shows her no interest. She has no idea where she is in her development or what she likes etc because she doesn't ask and if I try to tell her she just switches off and talks about another holiday or night out. We hear nothing from her until she wants to next visit. No phone calls or texts to see how we are. When she does visit she just wants a photo of DD to show her friends and that's it!

I've found out today that's she's upset that I keep cancelling her. I've never cancelled her!!! I asked to rearrange from 12 o'clock to 9 o'clock! And that she doesn't understand why i won't let her babysit. (My parents and sister do all our babysitting which is about once every 2monthe so DH and I can have a date night. My mum insists that we do this and we don't complain!). I just don't think her babysitting is appropriate. She knows nothing about me; not even my birthday or how I take my tea. She doesn't know my DD routine or likes etc as she shows now interest. And a big part of me is really upset that she ignored us for 7 years but now we have a child wants to visit loads!

To make matter worse DH hates seeing her so I end up seeing her on my own when he's at work to keep the peace. I always end up feeling angry and upset when I see her.

I guess what I'm asking is AIBU to stop seeing her? We have no relationship really and she just wants photos of DD which I can post to her regularly! DH wants nothing to do with her either. would do others think?
X

DH knows his parents well and he avoids contact. I guess you are starting to realise why.

If MIL wants to see her grandchild, fine, she can arrange a time and place with DH for him to visit her with DD. Don't arrange anything yourself, refer everything back to DH and tell her so.

"MIL, DH has been missing out on your visits, you've seen grandDD more than him. He is taking charge of arranging visits so he is always involved. Give him a call later / I'll ask him to call you to work out when he is free."

"DH, I'm not dealing with your mother any more. I'm not meeting her without you present. You are arranging all the visits from now on and I'm telling her so. I'll cancel if you arrange something for when you can't be there. She's your mother, you have to handle her."

Oh for God's sake

She sits in silent unless I talk! It's me instigating all conversations!

Again she is utilizing the fact that you behave like a nice person. Would you invite back any other person into your home who behaved like this? Let alone keep on trying to make conversation, invite them back for another go and then consider letting them baby sit your child

She doesn't operate by normal rules of human behaviour. You are well within your rights to challenge her on her complete absence of interest in your DD or yourself as a live human being.

What goes around comes around....one day you will be the mother in law....lets hope yr son in law and yr daughter treat you more kindly..lets hope you don't have a falling out with yr teenage daughter,because they can be bloody minded and difficult....I'm a firm believer in treat others as you would wish to be treated.....

From what you have I said I think the woman sounds horrible and I don't understand why some pp are sticking up for her.

I agree with the sorry I can't do that date, here's a photo, response and go very low contact. In fact, leave it to your dh.

I don't understand why some people think it's ok for the MIL to show no interest in any of you and to make the op come away from each visit feeling upset. Not all grandmothers are nice FFS.

YANBU. Why on earth are you even entertaining these visits? She ignored you for 7 years and now expects to be part of your lives just because you have DC now? Hell no. Cut her off. Your DH cannot stand her and she makes no effort with you. When you do meet, she only wants to talk about herself. Relationships are a 2-way thing. If DH wants to see her, fine. But you have no obligation to put up with this nonsense.

It is DH's problem. Put it back on his shoulders.

He can enable the relationship between his mum and his daughter, or he can block it, based on his knowledge of what they are both like.

Your involvement just confuses the message he has been giving his parents, i.e. I won't stand for any of your nonsense, if you won't behave then I won't hang out with you.

Since DD has been born you have been undermining that message by letting her cut him out of the communications. You do stand for her nonsense, you do hang out with her if she misbehaves.

If she wants to see DD, force her do it on DH's terms. Don't let her cut him out. Back right off. Leave him to handle her his way.

Your DH should be dealing with this. Your MIL should be allowed to see her grandchild but she cannot always expect you to fit around her plans. I'd definitely insist on DH being there - she is his mother!

I don't think you should be basing the fact of whether she would be a suitable child minder on the fact she doesn't know how you take your tea

Have you actually tried to give it a proper shot with her? And like other pps said DH should be there aswell.

The only way to move this on is for you to know exactly why your dh and his parents have a strained relationship.

If your own husband doesn't want to spend time with his mother I cannot for the life of me understand why you would want to either. I suspect he's got pretty good reasons for keeping her at arm's length. I suggest you do likewise. She's made it crystal-clear that she has absolutely no interest in you, and it appears she has little interest in her grand-child other than having photos to show around as if she were the doting grand-parent. Don't pander to this awful charade.

I can't see what it is she's done that is so awful you would grudge her an audience with her granddaughter once a month. So she talks about her holidays and doesn't know how your baby is developmentally...so what? I don't recall anyone other than myself of my dh being in the slightest bit interested in what stage of developmental progress our babies were at...even our own ordinary, loving parents.

I know lots about my grandchildren. Why wouldn't you be interested?

It does seem as case of your parents can do no wrong, while your mil can do no right. Yabu.

It's like we're not reading the same posts.

There is clearly a backstory which I think the OP's DH should share with her because I think she needs to make an informed decision about whether she wants her DD to have a relationship with her GM.

(and no I don't think it's a given that she does)

To be honest she sounds like a total nightmare! I'm the type of person that would send her a lengthy message about why you won't let her babysit, why she's upset you etc etc. But I don't know if that'll help the situation or not

This makes me sad. She might not be socially adept but she clearly wants some sort of relationship with her extended family. After all she persists in monthly visits despite the fact it is clear you don't welcome her. This culture of MIL hate is awful. Different does not always equal worse. My DH and I came from totally opposite families me big, warm, noisy, sometimes argumentative Irish Catholic clan and DH small, restrained, insular family. But after a few years we got under the superficials and ended up loving each other deeply.

I always make her welcome. Despite how I feel about her I hide this from her very well. I welcome her into our home win a hug and ensure she is comfortable in every way I can. I've encouraged her to upgrade her phone to a smart phone so I can send her pictures and we can try and keep in contact more. I really do feel like I have exceeded the limit of my niceness and DIL duties (not sure that's the right word).

I get what some people say about what I expect as a grandmother but the truth be told I would never ignore my DC for 7 years! I would move heaven and earth to ensure i have a healthy relationship with them and stay in regular contact with them regardless of where they are in the world or what they choose to do with their lives.

My parents are by no means perfect but I guess I struggle seeing the the difference. She makes no contact unless she wants to visit for a photo whereas my parents text and call almost daily to check we are ok. They're your standard parents-support us but also give us space to be a family. DH also chooses to go to my parents for advice and support over his own. He buys them presents but won't even by his own mum a card. I think that says a lot too.

I've tried several times to find out exactly what happened between DH and MIL and he gives me small snippets which I'm slowly putting together. DH isn't really a big talker so it's small bits over time which I'm slowly adding together and I have to say some of what he tells me breaks my heart.

I have sat DH down tonight and told him I'm upset over this and she leaves me feeling angry and I'm not sure what benefit this is to DD. I told him I can't keep seeing her alone. I need him to support me in this. He was really understanding and of the opinion he really does not want to see them again. I still feel bad, it is her GDD but like i said earlier, I firmly believe you earn that title. I also think in order for a relationship to work between her and DD, she needs to have a relationship with DH first. Maybe IABU. I don't know! But I can't kept seeing her and be left angry and upset.

My MIL is very odd. I have maintained a relationship with her for over 30 years. For the sake of my DSs and Dh. It's as simple as that.

Far as I can see, she had no interest in you, still has little interest in her granddaughter, her son actively wants to avoid her, she sits in silence and you can't trust her in your house and don't want to be there. And you feel that there's an unspoken pressure to be what, more distant with your own family? Give her the chance to be as close to you/your daughter as they are?

Well, you've tried extremely hard, there's no click with her, you can't trust her alone and your husband doesn't want very much to do with her at all.

Stop trying so hard. It isn't working. As she is your daughter's GM, maybe go to seeing her once every 2 months, see how that goes; but at weekends when your husband is around. No reason you should have to carry all this yourself. It's dragging you down. It's a pity, but that's the way it is. I don't see the need to get into blame.

Your last lines seem the way forward to me: I also think in order for a relationship to work between her and DD, she needs to have a relationship with DH first. I think your DH needs to suggest to her that they have to sort their relationship out. Or you suggest that, if he isn't able to. Send her a photo a week or something and nod politely if you see her out and about, and fall back on "ah, if you'd like to come round please arrange something with Mr User149XXXX" and stick to your guns that she needs to arrange this with him.

MIL is the same. Shows little interest in DD but demands visits. When she is here so only talks about her new husbands family (whom we have never met), completely ignores DD and then right at the end takes loads of photos of DD so she can show the people at work. I have started blocking as many visits as I can (which DH fully supports as he is as pissed off as I am with her behaviour) as I don't want to support the image she tries to create at work of being grandmother of the year with updated photos but has never asked for any information or offered any help at all. she can even be bothered to speak to DD or give her a cuddle.

I need him to support me in this. He was really understanding and of the opinion he really does not want to see them again. I still feel bad, it is her GDD but like i said earlier, I firmly believe you earn that title.

There you go then! He is probably relieved that you aren't going to continue to 'force' him to have anything to do with her - which is how my DH saw my perfectly 'normal' interactions with his family.

And don't feel bad. As an adult you have seen a little of the behaviour that your DH may have been subjected to all his life. Imagine what that would feel like for a child!

No you need to support him. Just don't mention his parents again. Don't start any conversation about them, let him lead on that. And really listen when he does soeak about them, The most innocent of questions could be the bits he has the most trouble with.

Sorry, I will freely admit I am basing all of this on my experience with my DH. But so many people seem to think that and adult male should be able to calmly discuss options with a DM who has never treated him well. For some it is impossible, scary, frustrating as they have been well trained not to upset the apple cart, to believe that such is all they are worth.

DH has told you quite clearly that he doesn't want to have a relationship with his parents. Respect his choice.

Have you actually thought about asking her what she wants from this relationship? If you are being expected to do all the work because hubby won't, you have every reason to let her know how you feel about her strange communication style. Might get some insight into what's going on with the father, etc. Then you get to make up your own mind.

Then you get to make up your own mind. Then do what? If her Dh has no desire to see his DM, seems to prefer that his family have no contact, what do you think OP could/should do with the results of that conversation?

Having done something similar I found that speaking to DHs mum and asking for her opinions was shouting very loudly at DH that his opinions and feelings were somehow wrong and that I was going to override them, do what I thought was right, correct him!.

That wasn't my intention, but it is how he perceived my actions!

Having met others who went through similar experiences and inadvertantly made the DPs feel like shit, I keep commenting on such threads. Sometimes the equitable and apparently normal thing to do can be precisely the thing a relationship founders on.

As many have said before, if you have never lived with parents who act way out of the norm, but never hit or scream or physically neglect, you can have no idea how harmful it can be, how much it sets up adult ways of thinking that are, frankly, submissive and childlike.

I think what you're doing to her is really sad. She sounds lonely & you can't even bother to spare a few hours for her once a month.

We are NC with dh's mum after 24 years of OK relationships due to her behaviour. My dh's Mum has lost two sons, two dils and three adult grandkids due to this. Don't you think for people to walk away from their parents that something must be wrong? I got the 'I think it's really sad what you're doing to mil' from dh's aunt. Once I'd put her right on a few things she became quiet on the subject.

Unless you know the ins and outs then it's best really not to pass comments like that as what happened to make that break happen might be even sadder!

DH is leaving her to pursue a relationship with his mother that he doesn't seem interested enough to maintain... It is entirely OP's choice to continue contact or not. He can do it himself if he wants....