Looking after brother while mums away

[PeekabooISeeYou]

My mum lives 50 miles away from me with my brother (we're twins, 25).

My brother has depression and anxiety, and he never leaves the house, spending most of his days in bed on his PlayStation.

Since moving in with my now husband whenever DM goes on holiday I've moved in with DB and their two cats, too look after the cats DB says they're not his cats so not his responsibility and keep an eye on my brother. This year however I have my DD, 14 months, who goes to nursery nearby and also a cat of my own so I don't really want to be moving in with my DB.

So he's coming to me as of tomorrow. My mums booked a pet sitter for her cats and my brothers moving in with me for two weeks. Train tickets are booked.

I'm dreading it. We live in a two bed flat, so we're going to have to move DD into our room so DB has somewhere to sleep, so there's going to be 3 of us in one room plus the cat.

He's a fussy eater and I know he'll moan about food anyway because I don't make the same things my mum does - due to her work she makes quick convience foods like pizza, fish fingers etc whereas I work 3 days, and DH 4 so we do a lot of home cooking; lasagne, spaghetti bolognese, shepherds pie etc. DB won't cook for himself and needs to eat on the tablets he's on or he'll be really ill.

He won't help round the house either, or look after DD, or even offer to walk her to nursery (10minute walk away) so I can have a lie-in.

Last time my DM dragged him for a visit he complained that our 32in TV was too small for him to play his games on.

I've booked a few days off work in the first week, and DH has changed his work hours for the second week but I'm not sure why we bothered because he'll likely sit in our living room all day, and complain. If we invite him out he'll say he's not interested in doing whatever it is we're doing.

I don't want him to come. I'm doing it because my DM will relax on her holiday knowing my DB is being looked after and kept an eye on.

Help me get through the next two weeks please?

[Rubies12345]

Is he receiving treatment for depression and is it not helping? Can you go back to the psychiatrist.

[SlowJinn]

I work with a woman who has 3 sons, all in their 40's, and she treats them like children. She has to work different shifts so she can get home in time to cook their tea and when her 'boys' go out in the evening she has to be ready to collect them when they miss the last tube home.

I assumed (wrongly) her sons had special needs, but no, they are functioning adults who are just lazy arses.

God knows what their various girlfriends think. I would be massively put off if I was single, and the man I was dating was still living with his mum with a Kylie Minogue calender on his bedroom wall

[justilou]

If there is a next time you're asked, perhaps suggest a mental health unit might be the best spot for him. At least mum could holiday knowing the poor dear is safe and fed - and he might get a shakeup in the process.

[LagunaBubbles]

Marynary my apologies, I didn't realise you had the ability to know what personal situations posters have been in based on a few posts in the Internet.

OP do not listen to hysterical nonsense of what might "happen" to him if you don't take him in. If he is that severely depressed he isn't capable of being along for a few weeks then he should be an inpatient in an acute psychiatric ward. But nothing you have said about him makes me think that. Of course - as people have pointed out - you know him best.

[LagunaBubbles]

Alone

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Francis the story is so sad. What some parents miss is we are bringing up future adults. Not children iyswim.

[DinosaursRoar]

Agree that if he can work a playstation, he can follow the cooking instructions on frozen food - he also could easily follow basic recipes and look up recipes online if he doesn't know how to make something he wants.

It always amazes me that so many woman seem to think young men who can make a car and computer work are completely incapable of working a washing machine or hoover and making basic meals. As if the skills required are completely beyond their abilities.

Please cancel OP - your DB will cope and if your Mum insists on cancelling her holiday because she can't find a babysitter for a functioning adult, perhaps she'll realise the reason is because it's not normal to want one.

[wannabestressfree]

I would use this time to make some changes. What you cook is what's available or he does it himself. No PlayStation/ internet after bed. He walks to the nursery with you.
If he doesn't like it..... Tough

[expatinscotland]

'Can you go back to the psychiatrist.'

How can she? She's not his next of kin and he's an adult.' This isn't her responsibility. She's making it by catering to her mother.

[callmeadoctor]

Not sure why you are doing this, sorry !

[Whereismumhiding2]

Oh my goodness, every one is supportive of OP and rightly so. But can I just identify myself as an adult phys disability social worker...

The advice I gave was heart felt and genuine with some knowledge of system. Of course OP needs to protect herself, of course he needs more psychological input. But it depends on circumstances. It ain't my field, but I do know it isn't as easy as people hope it might be...

Please OP, read my advice x You don't have to keep doing this , I gave you genuine advice x so step back when you feel you can ..

[whywonthedgehogssharethehedge]

I looked after my brother... When he was about 12!

You can do this but it really does sound like he won't get better. If she just lets him sit there all day and play video games and be waited on he's never going to improve. It's absolutely the worst thing for him and will make his Depression worse. Meds only do so Much you do Need to force your ass out into the world as well.

[Whereismumhiding2]

My advice is on page 5. I give advice sparingly. And I'm an adult phys disability Social worker. Please listen x its OK to say no for future x Get DM to risk assess and share with ASD, or GP, whatever... Do this time but no one expects you to keep doing ... Just say x

[Marynary]

More fool you then. It's amazing how many adults and hell, even teens, have managed to figure out how to look after themselves when they had to. It's hardly rocket science.

Not everyone will be able to just figure out how to look after themselves if left to it though. Some people are quite vulnerable for various reasons. For my BIL it was a combination of things including but not only his upbringing. There may be reasons why OP's brother cannot look after himself that aren't just to do with his mental health or mother. You don't know because you don't know him so why are you so certain that she should wash her hands.

[Whereismumhiding2]

Hi think you've had some fantastic advice which you've probably been filtering (doesn't really need to be professional, just worldly wise). Xx It really genuinely is OK to invite services in if you are worried about DB's safety. He is your brother and you love him xxx x of course you want him to be OK. Xxx just involve help he could get x Tell your mum to share worries x

[Marynary]

Marynary my apologies, I didn't realise you had the ability to know what personal situations posters have been in based on a few posts in the Internet.

Oh the irony! I am not the one telling the OP that her brother will be perfectly capable of looking after himself based on a few posts on the internet!

[EatsShitAndLeaves]

It sounds tough OP and I don't think there is an easy solution here.

Do you think your DM has fallen into a "care rut"?

When my GF had a stroke my GM became his carer. He did start to get better but progress stalled after about a year.

My GM was advised that they had both fallen into a rut of behaviour that had stopped adapting to what my GF could potentially do (she was still dressing him, making tea, pretty much waiting on him hand and foot). As such he had no goals or incentives to push himself to the next level of recovery. She needed to take a step back and slowly GF's progress started to resume.

I wonder if this is what's happened to your DM? Maybe she is simply too close to your DB to see his potential and is still focused on supporting him in the way she did when he perhaps needed in the past, but is counter productive now?

I'd have him for this holiday and take the opportunity as PP's have said to lay down some ground rules to assess what he really can do for himself.

That opens the door for a frank conversation on your DM's return about re-assessing his current and future care. This conversation should also cover that you won't be doing this again next year.

Good luck

[ConvincingLiar]

Engineer a big row on his first day so he goes home in a sulk?

[EddieStobbart]

OP, apologies if this has been covered but how long has he been suffering from depression for? Is he receiving active treatment, does he have conselling?

[EddieStobbart]

I know that isn't your problem but from a practical point of view, is there any traction or is this viewed as the best he can be considered to function?

[Number4OnTheWay]

Op I do this for my brother all the time, except he is 9. No way would I be doing it when he's 25!!!
By 25 I had 2 children and a mortgage. I also have anxiety and depression and have since I was a teenager. This is not normal behaviour.

[expatinscotland]

'You don't know because you don't know him so why are you so certain that she should wash her hands.'

Because she let us know that it's quite selective, what he can and cannot do, he can do what he wants - get a train to hers to be catered to, work a computer and games consoles, has enough energy to complain, moan, etc but not enough to figure out how to use a microwave? She uses won't not can't.

Sounds about as vulnerable as a city rat.

You seem equally certain the man is akin to a quadraplegic and that siblings have an obligation to pander to this type of behaviour. They don't. They have zero caring obligation to each other and if their parents bring them up to make them believe they have, then these parents are manipulative.

The OP states that she doesn't want him to come. She is doing this out of FOG and needs to learn to stop and put her own family first.

[coconutpie]

What did you decide, OP?

[UnderseaPineapple]

Marynary, if your BiL is that incapable of behaving like an adult why don't you teach him instead of pandering to his every whim.

God, women like you make me sick.

The BBC did a comedy in the 80s about a controlling domineering enabling bully mother/woman. It was called Sorry! and had Ronnie Corbett in it. You sound exactly like the mother character.