Looking after brother while mums away

[PeekabooISeeYou]

My mum lives 50 miles away from me with my brother (we're twins, 25).

My brother has depression and anxiety, and he never leaves the house, spending most of his days in bed on his PlayStation.

Since moving in with my now husband whenever DM goes on holiday I've moved in with DB and their two cats, too look after the cats DB says they're not his cats so not his responsibility and keep an eye on my brother. This year however I have my DD, 14 months, who goes to nursery nearby and also a cat of my own so I don't really want to be moving in with my DB.

So he's coming to me as of tomorrow. My mums booked a pet sitter for her cats and my brothers moving in with me for two weeks. Train tickets are booked.

I'm dreading it. We live in a two bed flat, so we're going to have to move DD into our room so DB has somewhere to sleep, so there's going to be 3 of us in one room plus the cat.

He's a fussy eater and I know he'll moan about food anyway because I don't make the same things my mum does - due to her work she makes quick convience foods like pizza, fish fingers etc whereas I work 3 days, and DH 4 so we do a lot of home cooking; lasagne, spaghetti bolognese, shepherds pie etc. DB won't cook for himself and needs to eat on the tablets he's on or he'll be really ill.

He won't help round the house either, or look after DD, or even offer to walk her to nursery (10minute walk away) so I can have a lie-in.

Last time my DM dragged him for a visit he complained that our 32in TV was too small for him to play his games on.

I've booked a few days off work in the first week, and DH has changed his work hours for the second week but I'm not sure why we bothered because he'll likely sit in our living room all day, and complain. If we invite him out he'll say he's not interested in doing whatever it is we're doing.

I don't want him to come. I'm doing it because my DM will relax on her holiday knowing my DB is being looked after and kept an eye on.

Help me get through the next two weeks please?

[2kids2dogsnosense]

• OPENING a tin - not penny a tin
  
  
  
  

[Marynary]

I think it is easy for us to say that OP should insist he looks after himself but it's not that easy as if anything happens to him, she will feel responsible.

[chocoLit]

Do it this time as arrangements have been made them make sure they know it can never happen again.

What a pain in the arse indeed

[ImperialBlether]

What would happen to him, Marynary? If he ran out of food he'd realise he would have to order a pizza delivery or go out and buy something.

[Soubriquet]

If he's never had to do anything for himself, I doubt he would think of a pizza delivery or going out and getting something..

[justilou]

If you and your mum don't get onto this kind soon, you're going to end up like my mother - who is 70, still supporting my parasitic, manipulative brother (who is 43, ffs) - wondering how she can leave an adult human being to someone in her will to ensure that someone looks after the poor dear in the manner to which he has become accustomed once she's gone - while knowing (but not admitting) that this is a problem that is largely of her own making. If you are not careful, this will be your future.

[Atenco]

Gosh, this situation sounds so unhealthy. Does he have other problems? What are the tablets for, as it doesn't sound like they are treating his issues.

[Lorelei76]

Soubriquet, he must have had to go to a lunch hall or something when he was at school?! He can't be 25 and not know how to obtain food.

[Soubriquet]

Wouldn't put it past him.

He stays in his bedroom and plays his play station. All day every day. He doesn't cook his own food. He doesn't clean. He is a useless man

[LagunaBubbles]

Marynary what do you mean about something "happening" to him? And why should the OP feel responsible?
If you mean he could harm himself then the only person responsible for that is him.

[DelicatePreciousThing1]

It is unfair for the OP to find herself in this situation. The amount of emotional blackmail used by some - elderly ? - mothers can be astonishing.

[Marynary]

What would happen to him, Marynary? If he ran out of food he'd realise he would have to order a pizza delivery or go out and buy something.

You don't know what he would do if left on his own as you don't really know anything about him. OP's mother obviously thinks he can't look after himself and she may know something you don't.
Regardless, having been in a similar situation with BIL, I think it is easy for others to say that siblings do not have responsibility but the fact is that if anything goes wrong they will (rightly or wrongly) feel responsible.

[DelicatePreciousThing1]

I would do it this time - one more time - but with constraints. He eats what you cook, he helps out etc. When this is all over, OP, speak to your mother openly. If she gets upset you have to be kind but firm. This cycle of babying him has got to stop. Your own family must now come first.

[Gazelda]

I think the best you can do is welcome him, tell him your ground rules (eg no PlayStation in the living room). Tell him you've got a busy couple of weeks ahead and he's welcome to tag along when he wishes.

Then just carry on your normal routine - outings, meals, bedtimes etc.

He might join in, he might sulk. Either way, feed back how he's been to your DM - demonstrating that he is has more capability to independence than she realises, or that he was so disruptive to your life that he cannot stay again.

And yes, ask her how she sees things panning out long term - will she expect you to take over as his carer?

She needs to get a proper diagnosis and some help to get him off his arse (assuming no medical reason why he can't). it isn't kind to him to let him live this life if he is capable of more.

[MudCity]

Refuse. He needs opportunities to be independent and take responsibility and this is one of those opportunities.

[AnxiousCarer]

I agree that your Mum is disabling your DB by treating him this way. It may be too late for this time but I think you need to have a chat with her when she gets back. By keeping him her baby she's not doing him any favours.

My DH suffers from depression with psychosis. Most of the time he is a fully functioning adult and able to work. When he's really ill and hallucinating he doesn't always even recognise me as his wife but hes able to meet his basic needs enough to survive even if he doesn't look after himself well. I've been to so many family support groups for his condition where mothers are still treating their adult children like babies because they feel that they could never posibly look after themselves. It makes me really angry because how are their (adult) children ever going to learn to manage their own condition if they are never alloud to. Of course he won't look after himself if he never has to and there will likely be tantrums when you or DM stop doing everything for him, but if you stick with it he will probably find that he is capable of putting a pizza in the oven etc.

I do wonder if some of this is your Mum's issue of not wanting her baby to grow up and needing to feel useful too. Does she have any hobies or other interests to help her detatch from him?

As for your 2 weeks, you could try buying in some pizzas/fish fingers. If he complains about the home cooked food direct him to the instructions on the packet, don't give in and cook them for him! If he manages to cook himself a simple meal that sounds like a huge step forward.

If he seriously is not able to look after himself at all suggest your DM speaks to her local social services. She is entitled to a carers assessment on how they can support her in her caring role, this may incude things like respite care when she goes on holiday, day centres for DB to go to to give her a break etc. From what you've written though it sounds like DM does this out of choice not neccessity.

[MrsJayy]

Tell your brother he is welcome to stay but if he does not like your food the supermarket is >>there stop feeding into the babying of your brother its ridiculous just stop doing it not his cats fgs

[Marynary]

If you mean he could harm himself then the only person responsible for that is him.


That is easy for you to say as you probably have never been in a similar situation.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

My approach would be the same as MyKingdom .
Let him bring his TV and playstation. Put them in the bedroom that he is staying in and buy some frozen food that you can pop in the oven for his dinners. Someone liking convenience food isn't really that big an inconvenience. It will cook itself whilst you're preparing your home-cooked meals for yourself, DH and DC.
It's all very well other PPs telling you to refuse but that isn't really going to impact on your DB. The only person that will negatively impact on is your DM.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

Oh, and the reason I would cook his food for him is that I would do that for any guest I had staying.

[Kpo58]

Look after him under your rules.
-He eats what everyone else eats.
-He does something to help out with the household, eg take the bins out.
-He volunteers a couple of mornings a week at a local charity shop (he's only going to get less employable with nothing on his CV or get a (any) job.
-There will be no internet access to his PlayStation so he cannot play online and it will make the games less attractive

[londonrach]

Agree power cut. Does playstation work in internet as ill turn server off (not when on mn)

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

I think your DH is very accommodating to be honest.
What triggers your DB anxiety? Is he on medication for the depression and/or the anxiety?


I think that for next year you need to say to your mother that your brother can't come. You're no long a single person and you have a family of your own to look after and you can't all rejig your lives and sleeping arrangements for him to land at your doorstep just to be mollycoddled. I just wouldn't make myself available to look after him (no need to book your own holidays at the same time, just don't be available).
He is 25 and he can use a telephone and a computer so he wont starve. He could buy ready meals and learn how to cook them (hell, between now and then he should be signed up for a night course on learning how to cook simple but nutritious meals for himself). He could order in takeaways and look after himself.