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AIBU?

Looking after brother while mums away

177 replies

PeekabooISeeYou · 04/09/2016 10:12

My mum lives 50 miles away from me with my brother (we're twins, 25).

My brother has depression and anxiety, and he never leaves the house, spending most of his days in bed on his PlayStation.

Since moving in with my now husband whenever DM goes on holiday I've moved in with DB and their two cats, too look after the cats DB says they're not his cats so not his responsibility and keep an eye on my brother. This year however I have my DD, 14 months, who goes to nursery nearby and also a cat of my own so I don't really want to be moving in with my DB.

So he's coming to me as of tomorrow. My mums booked a pet sitter for her cats and my brothers moving in with me for two weeks. Train tickets are booked.

I'm dreading it. We live in a two bed flat, so we're going to have to move DD into our room so DB has somewhere to sleep, so there's going to be 3 of us in one room plus the cat.

He's a fussy eater and I know he'll moan about food anyway because I don't make the same things my mum does - due to her work she makes quick convience foods like pizza, fish fingers etc whereas I work 3 days, and DH 4 so we do a lot of home cooking; lasagne, spaghetti bolognese, shepherds pie etc. DB won't cook for himself and needs to eat on the tablets he's on or he'll be really ill.

He won't help round the house either, or look after DD, or even offer to walk her to nursery (10minute walk away) so I can have a lie-in.

Last time my DM dragged him for a visit he complained that our 32in TV was too small for him to play his games on.

I've booked a few days off work in the first week, and DH has changed his work hours for the second week but I'm not sure why we bothered because he'll likely sit in our living room all day, and complain. If we invite him out he'll say he's not interested in doing whatever it is we're doing.

I don't want him to come. I'm doing it because my DM will relax on her holiday knowing my DB is being looked after and kept an eye on.

Help me get through the next two weeks please?

OP posts:
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coconutpie · 06/09/2016 07:05

No sign of the OP ...

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MidniteScribbler · 06/09/2016 04:03

You seem equally certain the man is akin to a quadraplegic and that siblings have an obligation to pander to this type of behaviour.

Even if the brother were a quadriplegic, the OP would still have no actual responsibility to become his carer. Supporting your family can also include helping to arrange carers or respite placements. Being a supportive family member doesn't always mean taking on caring responsibilities yourself.

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Amandahugandkisses · 05/09/2016 17:14

Where is OP?

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Hissy · 05/09/2016 16:24

Windpower has a point, it's like watching 2 dogs with a bone.

This is a thread where op would benefit from being heard and having some form of advice for how to deal with this. Or if not this just space to despair about the sad state of her supposedly helpless brother.

Bickering between 2 people neither of whom actually know the real situation won't help anyone and it's as boring as hell.

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LagunaBubbles · 05/09/2016 15:57

Windpower there isnt a "barney", not as far as Im concerned. Its a discussion forum after all. And that includes people who disagree with each other. If you think its "dominating" the thread then people are free to post their opinions on original post.

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WindPowerRanger · 05/09/2016 15:50

Perhaps we should have a place for posters to take their arguments to in order to avoid it dominating the thread. I doubt OP is being helped by the barney on here.

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LagunaBubbles · 05/09/2016 15:48

Mary I have gave no advice about how to treat someone with mental health problems on this thread, I have asked you to show me this advice in my posts - and you cant. You either have problems reading, comprehending or are being goady. You can assume anything you like, you seem to be very good at that. Hmm

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emmas123 · 05/09/2016 15:43

Just a thought if it's too late/not possible to to back out of the commitment .... could you maybe propose a compromise where he spends week 1 with you, then returns home week 2? You could possibly sell this as a trial for him to become more independent (i.e. stays the first week on the proviso he helps with the evening meal, washes up...) then if it goes accordingly fend for himself as he's a fully grown-assed adult week 2? That might make it more palatable for you if it's a shorter duration, plus you still come across as the good guy trying to help him out. Good luck, sounds like it's not going to be easy however it pans out.

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Marynary · 05/09/2016 15:28

LagunaBubbles If you state that you are a psychiatric nurse on a thread and give advice on how to treat someone with mental health problems (if that is his only problem) then people may assume that you are basing your advice on your knowledge and experience of mental health conditions. You don't explicitly have to link your advice to something that has happened in your job for that to occur.Hmm

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LagunaBubbles · 05/09/2016 13:22

Mary you are being ridiculous, I havent linked any advice to my job in the slightest. I havent told the OP what to do based on my job. But in case its slipped your notice this is a discussion forum, where we all have opinions, some of which are actually based on our own experiences. I have told her to ignore nonsense about feeling guilty if she doesnt "help" because there is nothing to feel guilty about.

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Marynary · 05/09/2016 13:05

And you missed out a few words seeing the devastation mental illness has on relatives and carers from the end of my sentence there to, at no point anywhere on this thread have I linked my job to giving OP advice.

You have linked it to your job by stating that you are psychiatric nurse on the same thread.

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Marynary · 05/09/2016 13:03

Wheres the advice?

The advice is in other posts in this thread. It doesn't have to be in the same post as the one stating that you are a psychiatric nurse. Whether or not you have specifically linked it to your experiences is not relevant.

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LagunaBubbles · 05/09/2016 12:56

You gave the advice in the context of being a "psychiatric nurse with many years of experience" though

And you missed out a few words seeing the devastation mental illness has on relatives and carers from the end of my sentence there to, at no point anywhere on this thread have I linked my job to giving OP advice.

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LagunaBubbles · 05/09/2016 12:53

You gave the advice in the context of being a "psychiatric nurse with many years of experience" though

OK, show me - show me exactly where I gave advice linking it to my experience?

Here's my post Marynary you have no clue what situations I have been in my personal life so it's not easy to say - however it's the truth. I am also a Psychiatric Nurse and have many years experiences seeing the devastation mental illness has on relatives and carers.

Wheres the advice?

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Marynary · 05/09/2016 12:47

Oh Mary, you really a case arent you. I'm just a random stranger on the internet, unprofessional...hahaha!!!

You gave the advice in the context of being a "psychiatric nurse with many years of experience" though.

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LagunaBubbles · 05/09/2016 12:29

I disagree that you have enough information to assess what is wrong with her brother and I think it is quite unprofessional of you to recommend action based on information provided by a sibling on the internet

Oh Mary, you really a case arent you. I'm just a random stranger on the internet, unprofessional...hahaha!!!

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Amandahugandkisses · 05/09/2016 11:50

I'm going to say here this doesn't sound too much like depression to me.
I suffer v badly and at my worst moments I would profusely thank anyone who made me a cup of tea! No energy to complain, moan or be choosy.

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purplefox · 05/09/2016 11:30

Depression and anxiety doesn't mean he's incapable of functioning. Your mum has got him in a ridiculous position and you really shouldn't be enabling it.

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Marynary · 05/09/2016 11:26

You seem equally certain the man is akin to a quadraplegic and that siblings have an obligation to pander to this type of behaviour. They don't. They have zero caring obligation to each other and if their parents bring them up to make them believe they have, then these parents are manipulative.

I'm not at all certain that he is incapable as I do not know him. Neither do you though so I'm not sure why you are so certain about what action she should take.
If OP is certain that he will be fine without her help or doesn't really care one way or the other then she should consider not helping. However, she obviously does care and there is some doubt or she wouldn't post.
Yes, siblings have zero obligation to each other but believe or not many care and would feel bad if anything happened to them if they did not help them.

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MeridianB · 05/09/2016 11:20

How are things, OP? Are you OK?

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Marynary · 05/09/2016 11:17

The OP has said plenty about her brother and the relationship that exists between him and his Mum.

I disagree that you have enough information to assess what is wrong with her brother and I think it is quite unprofessional of you to recommend action based on information provided by a sibling on the internet.

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LagunaBubbles · 05/09/2016 10:57

The OP has said plenty about her brother and the relationship that exists between him and his Mum.

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Marynary · 05/09/2016 10:27

No you're the person that think they know about others posters personal situations that havent been discussed by them, whereas the OP has said rather a lot about her brother here that I'm basing my opinions on!

I don't think OP has said much about her brother at all- certainly not enough to know what his issues are and what OP should do about it.

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Marynary · 05/09/2016 10:12

Marynary, if your BiL is that incapable of behaving like an adult why don't you teach him instead of pandering to his every whim.

God, women like you make me sick.

Firstly, where did I say we "pandered to his every whim"? Secondly, I used the past tense when talking about my BIL as he is now (15 years later) capable of looking after himself.
Sorry that it sickens you that we helped him when he needed help to rather than washing our hands and not caring whether he lived to tell the tale.Hmm

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Footle · 05/09/2016 10:01

If having him there affects your daughter in any way - if he's anything other than nice to her - put him on the next train home. Presumably he will have s key to your mother's house.

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