Looking after brother while mums away

[PeekabooISeeYou]

My mum lives 50 miles away from me with my brother (we're twins, 25).

My brother has depression and anxiety, and he never leaves the house, spending most of his days in bed on his PlayStation.

Since moving in with my now husband whenever DM goes on holiday I've moved in with DB and their two cats, too look after the cats DB says they're not his cats so not his responsibility and keep an eye on my brother. This year however I have my DD, 14 months, who goes to nursery nearby and also a cat of my own so I don't really want to be moving in with my DB.

So he's coming to me as of tomorrow. My mums booked a pet sitter for her cats and my brothers moving in with me for two weeks. Train tickets are booked.

I'm dreading it. We live in a two bed flat, so we're going to have to move DD into our room so DB has somewhere to sleep, so there's going to be 3 of us in one room plus the cat.

He's a fussy eater and I know he'll moan about food anyway because I don't make the same things my mum does - due to her work she makes quick convience foods like pizza, fish fingers etc whereas I work 3 days, and DH 4 so we do a lot of home cooking; lasagne, spaghetti bolognese, shepherds pie etc. DB won't cook for himself and needs to eat on the tablets he's on or he'll be really ill.

He won't help round the house either, or look after DD, or even offer to walk her to nursery (10minute walk away) so I can have a lie-in.

Last time my DM dragged him for a visit he complained that our 32in TV was too small for him to play his games on.

I've booked a few days off work in the first week, and DH has changed his work hours for the second week but I'm not sure why we bothered because he'll likely sit in our living room all day, and complain. If we invite him out he'll say he's not interested in doing whatever it is we're doing.

I don't want him to come. I'm doing it because my DM will relax on her holiday knowing my DB is being looked after and kept an eye on.

Help me get through the next two weeks please?

[Foslady]

He'll only do things if he's forced? Then force him. Tell him no Xbox at your home unless he mucks in - your home your rules.

[DerekSprechenZeDick]

t think, when your parents aren't capable to look after him anymore due to age or illness what happens?

He moves in with you. That's what happens if you don't tell them no now

[Arkhamasylum]

Yes, what Derek said.

In 25 years time, are you going to be asking your daughter to have your brother so YOU can go on holiday?

[londonrach]

Too late this year. Right this year he does jobs around the house...wash up, empty bins etc.. Serve the food you would normally. If he doesnt it tough nothing else. He is 25. Is he seeing his gp for the depression.

[sandragreen]

Going against the grain slightly. I feel really sorry for your DB OP.

I don't think his depression has led to his inability to look after himself. I think your mothers infantilization of him has probably led to his MH issues. It's certainly a circular issue, even if you never got to the bottom of what came first.

Has your mother always treated him differently? What does she get out of keeping him at home with her?

Unless there is a massive drip feed of suicide attempts or other worrying behaviour, I can't see why he needs to be "looked after" like a 2 year old.

[PovertyPain]

Don't let him bring his play station with him. Give him a printed list of things he has to do at yours. Not your fault if he decides to stay at home. Having him to stay like this will cause resentment with your husband. Why should you suffer because your husband is a manchild? I wouldn't have any sympathy for your mother, as she's the one babying him and enabling his behaviour, so why should you suffer?

[PovertyPain]

Sorry your brother not husband re manchild comment.

[Lorelei76]

say no
I have a friend who is 50, her brother is 46. he does work but their mum still does everything for him. My friend barely speaks to her brother, he's not her responsibility.

Many people have full functioning lives with illness. Is your brother in a position where he really can't do that? From your description, I'm guessing not.

[JudyCoolibar]

As soon as he complains, tell him he's very welcome to fuck off back home. And if he carries on complaining, tell him he either stops or you are chucking him out.

[LostSight]

Set him boundaries for his behaviour this year (for example, he will eat what you cook without morning and do whatever you need him to to help out) and explain that unless this works for you and your family, it won't happen again next year. Then stick to that.

[HermioneWeasley]

just refuse to have him.

Tell them you've thought again about thr practicalities of having another adult in your 2 bed house and it's not going to happen.

FFS

[hotdiggedy]

Goodness. What on earth??Tell him exactly how it is once he gets there. he needs to sort himself out. Whats he going to do when your mum cant look after him anymore?

[MyKingdomForBrie]

If you're going to do this anyway then to make it easier I would have him bring his tv and console and set it up in the bedroom he's sleeping in and I would buy a load of freezer food from Iceland (whatever it is your mum makes him) and stick something in the oven for him every night when you're having your meal.

But I'm really one for avoiding stress!

[BlueberrySky]

I have a family member who is like this, he is 35! Has never had a job, stays in his room all day playing computer games. His mother who is 70 looks after him, treats him like a child and tells the rest of us that his problems will be sorted with medication and therapy soon and then he will get a job and leave home. He is sulky and rude and expects everyone to feel sorry for him.

His sisters, all who have jobs and families, discuss who is going to look after him when their mother is unable to or dies. I find it astonishing that after so long they are all still enabling him.

Put your foot down and talk to your mother before you find yourself it this situation in 10 or 20 years.

[WilLiAmHerschel]

Sounds scarily similar to the way my mum treats my brother. Uncanny. I refuse to humour it. I understand wanting your mum to have a good holiday so I'd take him as planned this year but never again. I'd have a chat with your mum when she gets back and say "what is he going to do when you're dead?" Sorry to be blunt but it's true.

When he is at yours I think you need to put your foot down. He eats what you serve or he eats nothing. If he gets ill that is his own problem. He is an adult. You are both equal children, you are not responsible for him. He tidies up after himself too.

Is there any risk of him becoming aggressive or violent? (I ask because my brother is).

Btw I'd guess his depression is caused by him doing nothing. If he got out the house to a job or voluntary role, saw people, got fresh air and had a sense of purpose, I suspect he'd be a lot happier.

[2kids2dogsnosense]

If your brother genuinely can't leave the house because of his depression, then your DM should get in enough frozen/tinned stuff for a fortnight, put the Dominos number beside the phone, and leave him to get on with it for two weeks. (I would still make arrangements for the cats, though - I wouldn't leave them to be neglected.)

Whether he is really that ill or not it will probably do him the world of good to be responsible for himself for a while. He will find that he is capable much more than he ever dreamed (e.g., penny a tin, using a microwave).

TBH the very depressed people I've known have rarely complained about stuff - they've just retreated from contact, so I think if he's got the energy to complain about food, and the telly etc he is just working his ticket and being selfish twat.

Also - does this mean that none of you will be able to watch your (perfectly large enough) tv because he's going to be wanting to play his games it 24/7? And will he be up half the night keeping you all awake, and lying asleep on the sofa half the day so you can't have any family life?

I think I'd let your mother get away on her hols, take him some supplies and tell him to get on with it.

[CheeseCakeSunflowers]

I can't help wondering if he has some sort of SN, ASD seems the most obvious, could he have undiagnosed ASD? If he is definately NT then it is ridiculous treating him like a child.

[Marynary]

Unless has other issues apart from anxiety and depression, I don't think that this infantilisation is doing him any favours and could actually make him feel worse. It can't be nice for him to feel that he is incapable of looking after himself.
I would let your brother stay at your house on this occasion as it has already been agreed and your mother won't enjoy her holiday otherwise but when she comes back I think that you need to tell her that it won't happen in the future.

[Lorelei76]

"Whats he going to do when your mum cant look after him anymore?"

sad to say, he will quite likely find an idiot to move in with him/marry him.

[MammouthTask]

Why did you say YES in the first place and proposed that arrangement?

As everything is arranged and your mum is going away, I'm not sure what you could do now. And you certainly don't look like you would not have him anyway.

Next year though, I would say NO right from the start.

This year, YY to try and insist on boundaries re meals and as little moaning as possible.

[hotdiggedy]

Marry him?? Really? Perhaps only if the mother has a nice house that she is leaving to him!

[Lorelei76]

on reflection OP, assuming your brother is not at risk in any way, you can just say you've changed your mind and you're not doing this any more. The result is that a 25 year old has to fend for themselves in their home. Which is fine. I understand the cats shouldn't be left with him but there's no reason at all he can't stay alone.

otherwise, if anything happens to your mum or when she's gone, you will find it harder to say "fuck off". So do it now. There is no crisis that can occur is there?

[TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince]

I've had hideous depression and anxiety for 25 years. I wish someone would make all my meals and look after me, while l played games on my phone.🤔

But instead l hold down a very very stressful job, look after a house, dc and pets. I have been awarded Access to Work, such is the state of me. This enables me to do my job better.

Not wanting to denigrate your db, but if he can go on a play station he has got some level of motivation.

[coconutpie]

It's not too late. Tell him no. He's 25 years old, FFS! If he cannot cope by himself at that age, then he needs professional help. Your mother is enabling him. You have a 14 month old baby to care for. You don't need to add a selfish man child to the equation.

[Lorelei76]

PS just to add I've also been medicated for anxiety, I was 25 and living alone and working!