Looking after brother while mums away

[PeekabooISeeYou]

My mum lives 50 miles away from me with my brother (we're twins, 25).

My brother has depression and anxiety, and he never leaves the house, spending most of his days in bed on his PlayStation.

Since moving in with my now husband whenever DM goes on holiday I've moved in with DB and their two cats, too look after the cats DB says they're not his cats so not his responsibility and keep an eye on my brother. This year however I have my DD, 14 months, who goes to nursery nearby and also a cat of my own so I don't really want to be moving in with my DB.

So he's coming to me as of tomorrow. My mums booked a pet sitter for her cats and my brothers moving in with me for two weeks. Train tickets are booked.

I'm dreading it. We live in a two bed flat, so we're going to have to move DD into our room so DB has somewhere to sleep, so there's going to be 3 of us in one room plus the cat.

He's a fussy eater and I know he'll moan about food anyway because I don't make the same things my mum does - due to her work she makes quick convience foods like pizza, fish fingers etc whereas I work 3 days, and DH 4 so we do a lot of home cooking; lasagne, spaghetti bolognese, shepherds pie etc. DB won't cook for himself and needs to eat on the tablets he's on or he'll be really ill.

He won't help round the house either, or look after DD, or even offer to walk her to nursery (10minute walk away) so I can have a lie-in.

Last time my DM dragged him for a visit he complained that our 32in TV was too small for him to play his games on.

I've booked a few days off work in the first week, and DH has changed his work hours for the second week but I'm not sure why we bothered because he'll likely sit in our living room all day, and complain. If we invite him out he'll say he's not interested in doing whatever it is we're doing.

I don't want him to come. I'm doing it because my DM will relax on her holiday knowing my DB is being looked after and kept an eye on.

Help me get through the next two weeks please?

[expatinscotland]

'Regardless, having been in a similar situation with BIL, I think it is easy for others to say that siblings do not have responsibility but the fact is that if anything goes wrong they will (rightly or wrongly) feel responsible.'

Well, we're in a similar situation with BIL and you know, DH doesn't feel any responsibility towards him. Why should he? The man is an adult whose been infantilised by their mother. MIL is under no illusion that we will not be doing what she does for him when she goes. I don't even do all that for my son who has ASD. He has SN, not non-functioning limbs.

[expatinscotland]

And you, OP, must, for the sake of your own family, but a stop to doing this. NO more of your looking after him. You don't need to get assessments or anything. This is not your responsibility, you have your own child now. This is classic 'FOG' - fear, obligation and guilt.

I'm amazed your H puts up with this shit. DH is under no illusions that if he ever brings his lazy brother here, I'll divorce him and I would. I have enough on my plate without an adult who refuses to function as one.

[Marynary]

Well, we're in a similar situation with BIL and you know, DH doesn't feel any responsibility towards him. Why should he? The man is an adult whose been infantilised by their mother. MIL is under no illusion that we will not be doing what she does for him when she goes. I don't even do all that for my son who has ASD. He has SN, not non-functioning limbs.

No, you are not in a similar situation if you are absolutely certain that he is capable of looking after himself and will not come to any harm if you wash your hands.

[Lorelei76]

okay, further pondering
if you really refuse to do this it might lead to your mother cancelling her holiday, which is actually a good thing because she will be forced to think how the future works out for them both

if you do do it, then minimise hassle - get your mother to send a food delivery to your house of what he will eat, but insist that he cooks. If he wails that he doesn't know how, then show him. and then at least he'll have learned something.

but if you go for that option, after your mum comes back, then you need to stand firm and say you're never doing this again - and mean it.

What does your brother think will happen when your mum is gone?

[expatinscotland]

'No, you are not in a similar situation if you are absolutely certain that he is capable of looking after himself and will not come to any harm if you wash your hands.'

And again, we are. Because we're not absolutely certain of it. Why? Because he is not our responsibility. Our children are our responsibility. He comes to any 'harm' and it's not our responsibility. Neither of us feels guilty about it, either.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Good boundaries expat. The bit about non functioning limbs made me laugh.

[Cheby]

Now you've agreed to do it, I would have him stay, this time only. I'd make it clear it would never happen again.

And I'd set ground rules; no PlayStation in the living room, joins in with family meals or buys and cooks his own food, keeps his room clean and tidy (it's your daughter's room, he needs to respect her space), cleans up after himself, does his own laundry, cleans up after himself in the bathroom.

Those are the absolute basics. Any transgression and he finds his stuff on the doorstep.

[redshoeblueshoe]

Lorelei - I think he spends too much time on the playstation to think of the future.
Mary - if he really is ill then the OP's DM should be getting him assessed, but it sounds like he is a lazy arse, whose DM enables him.

[expatinscotland]

'And I'd set ground rules; no PlayStation in the living room, joins in with family meals or buys and cooks his own food, keeps his room clean and tidy (it's your daughter's room, he needs to respect her space), cleans up after himself, does his own laundry, cleans up after himself in the bathroom.'

He won't obey them. SIL had BIL once and he ignored her rules.

There's only way to handle this, OP, you never do this again. No more looking after him. She wants a holiday, she sorts out a sitter for him.

[iloveeverykindofcat]

As you can see, plenty of people live and work with mental illnesses. I've been medicated every day since I was 14. I've had intensive therapy, inpatient treatment, and every tranquilizer on the market. I'm a full time college lecturer and writer, keep a house and cats, and have a social life with great friends. Whatever is wrong with your brother is way more than anxiety and depression. Whether social, learned, biological, none of us are qualified to say...but he needs immediate assessment by a professional. (Quite possibly your mother does too).

[LeaveMyWingsBehindMe]

Agree with everyone else, he's 25 not 5, he is as as capable of throwing some breaded crap from Iceland at the oven as the next person.

If you and your mother dropped dead tomorrow I doubt he'd die of starvation as a result.

[SabineUndine]

As others have said, let him come to stay but make it clear from the start that it's on YOUR terms. He eats what you give him and if he doesn't like it, tell him to shut up. He does his share of the housework. He takes part in family life and doesn't spend any time on his Xbox. Most importantly, he gets his arse out of bed by 8am every morning and does something constructive with his day.

And good luck.

[MrsJayy]

Francis that is so sad that poor woman.

[DoreenLethal]

Call him the day before he is due and say that your internet has packed up and they are saying it will be a fortnight until mended. I'll bet you he won't turn up.

[zippey]

If you have to look after him I would see it as an oppertunity to lay strict rules on him eg no tv in his room. No special foods unless he buys it himself, he does the housework etc. Make him earn his keep.

Remember he will probably be masterbating in his room too.

If something happens to him it won't be your fault, and to be honest it will be sad initially but you'll both have a weight lifted off.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

zippey masturbating in a little girls room. Eeewwww.

[Marynary]

And again, we are. Because we're not absolutely certain of it. Why? Because he is not our responsibility. Our children are our responsibility. He comes to any 'harm' and it's not our responsibility. Neither of us feels guilty about it, either.

Well maybe you and your DH couldn't care less about your BIL but in the case of DH's brother we took the view that it wasn't really his fault that my MIL had not brought him up to look after himself. After she died (he was in his mid-20s) there was no way we would have washed our hands of him as we would have felt responsible if he had come to any harm.

[KatharinaRosalie]

he never leaves the house
he's coming to me as of tomorrow

Ah so he does leave the house when it's convenient for him? When i first started reading I thought we are talking about a person with some severe problems who is unable to take care of himself. He seems to be able, just no willing.

Honestly if you're worried about ruining mum's holidays, tell them loud and clear that this is the last time you're wiping your adult brother's bottom.

[Marynary]

Whatever is wrong with your brother is way more than anxiety and depression. Whether social, learned, biological, none of us are qualified to say...but he needs immediate assessment by a professional. (Quite possibly your mother does too).

I agree.

[expatinscotland]

' in the case of DH's brother we took the view that it wasn't really his fault that my MIL had not brought him up to look after himself.'

More fool you then. It's amazing how many adults and hell, even teens, have managed to figure out how to look after themselves when they had to. It's hardly rocket science.

[DinosaursRoar]

I honestly think you should cancel. Tell your Mum you've thought about it and it just isn't going to logisically work. Offer to refund the cost of the train tickets (it'll cost you less than keeping him/entertaining him for a fortnight).

He's an adult, he doesn't have complex needs that means he can't look after himself. Even if he can't organise himself with rent/bills etc, he only has to follow the instructions from frozen foods for a fortnight.

You are buying into your Mother's lie that he needs care and that has to be provided by family. Either he doesn't really need care, or he does and this should force her to get outside agencies involved. Long term, who will look after him?

It's probably best it's so close to your Mum's holiday as well, as she'll have to lose the money or just go without having made other arrangements. It's more likely she'll go, so forcing her to see that your DB can survive for a fortnight.

Time to stop enabling this situation. Your mum needs some serious conversations, does your DB need real care, if so, why isn't she involving adult social services, and if not, then why isn't she encouraging him to be an independent adult? Is it just to keep her being 'needed' - bloody selfish if that's the case.

[Hissy]

Willing to bet the PlayStation is only contributing to his state of mind, not helping him. I like Doreen's idea.

id be making it as difficult as possible for him to loll about and do nothing. I'd make sure he has tasks to do, food only at certain times etc.

[rollonthesummer]

25!

[Hmmnotkeen]

OPs brother is obviously capable of operating a microwave if he can play video games. If he chose not to feed himself, that would be HIS choice, not OPs, not even OPs mum.

I have seen way too many women- always women - take the burden of caring for male family members because their mother/MIL has always previously done it. Regardless of what OP chooses to do this time (and I'd cancel) she needs to have a serious discussion with her mum regarding ongoing care. Because her mum might be physically and mentally capable at the moment, but that isn't going to be the case forever.

[coconutpie]

zippey, eeeeew I didn't even think of that.

OP, cancel. You have been handed a golden opportunity. This is one that might give your mother the push to actually quit babying him. If she has to cancel her holiday because she cannot find a babysitter for her pathetic adult son, then she might finally realise that this cannot go on. By allowing him to stay in your home, you are enabling this behaviour to continue. Put your big pants on and cancel. If you feel too soft to cancel outright, tell them you've come down with a bug of some sorts and so can no longer play host. And then never ever offer again.

The stories on this thread are awful.