Looking after brother while mums away

[PeekabooISeeYou]

My mum lives 50 miles away from me with my brother (we're twins, 25).

My brother has depression and anxiety, and he never leaves the house, spending most of his days in bed on his PlayStation.

Since moving in with my now husband whenever DM goes on holiday I've moved in with DB and their two cats, too look after the cats DB says they're not his cats so not his responsibility and keep an eye on my brother. This year however I have my DD, 14 months, who goes to nursery nearby and also a cat of my own so I don't really want to be moving in with my DB.

So he's coming to me as of tomorrow. My mums booked a pet sitter for her cats and my brothers moving in with me for two weeks. Train tickets are booked.

I'm dreading it. We live in a two bed flat, so we're going to have to move DD into our room so DB has somewhere to sleep, so there's going to be 3 of us in one room plus the cat.

He's a fussy eater and I know he'll moan about food anyway because I don't make the same things my mum does - due to her work she makes quick convience foods like pizza, fish fingers etc whereas I work 3 days, and DH 4 so we do a lot of home cooking; lasagne, spaghetti bolognese, shepherds pie etc. DB won't cook for himself and needs to eat on the tablets he's on or he'll be really ill.

He won't help round the house either, or look after DD, or even offer to walk her to nursery (10minute walk away) so I can have a lie-in.

Last time my DM dragged him for a visit he complained that our 32in TV was too small for him to play his games on.

I've booked a few days off work in the first week, and DH has changed his work hours for the second week but I'm not sure why we bothered because he'll likely sit in our living room all day, and complain. If we invite him out he'll say he's not interested in doing whatever it is we're doing.

I don't want him to come. I'm doing it because my DM will relax on her holiday knowing my DB is being looked after and kept an eye on.

Help me get through the next two weeks please?

[WilLiAmHerschel]

Marynary any of us could decide to give up on looking after ourselves at any point and expect others to do something. The only way to end it is for the other people to not cave in and run around after us and baby us. I have the same thing with my brother and on the few occasions he has had no choice but to look after himself he has managed. He can actually do things when he doesn't have my mum running around after him.

If it sounded like he was genuinely at risk of causing harm to himself or others it would be different. I do not think that is the case here.

[WilLiAmHerschel]

FrancisCrawford that is so sad.

[MumiTravels]

He sounds like he's got personaloty disorder that your Mum is just enabling.

I'm sorry but that's not your problem. If his problems were that severe and he needed 24 hour he would have been offered respite care for said period of time however he can't be meeting the criteria.

He should be left at home to get on with it. He's not a risk to himself. He's not a risk to other people.

[Whereismumhiding2]

I haven't read all the posts as its a long thread. I'm assuming that he gets ESA due to depression & anxiety so he can't work? Whilst I have sympathy for DB's mental health problems, OP you have other caring responsibilities now and really this is too much as you are feeling it now as a big weight & dreading it. You are a lovely DS and your DH is also being lovely to have done what you have done so far .

I understand you are doing it this time, as too late to change but say No for next time. I'd risk assess, is he a threat to himself (suicide/ self harm?) In which case he needs MH team to arrange respite pop in /support care cover at home whilst DM goes on holiday. Would he really neglect to eat when mums away?

Set boundaries in your flat, up at 10am, bed by midnight & quiet in your home (so you can sleep), no PlayStation qhen DD is home (games will likely be too violent for DD to see) or when you need TV - particularly when you & DH want to relax after a hard day. He eats what he is given and does a job a day to help (load dishwasher etc. Or washes up). If he complains remind him, your flat your rules and whilst you love him, it is not a hotel.

Next time DM can arrange private carers to pop in once day (£15/hour) to check on him and do jobs, cook for him or he can have Meals on wheels (he'd be entitled to have that if self neglecting due to ESA/ depression, it's £3.60 approx a day for hot meal delivery and pudding, between 11am-2pm which can be set up through local Adult services).

You don't have to do this, if you don't want to. I say this as someone in the care field but also as a mum of 3 with a sister suffering depression whom I love and whom comes to stay with me sometimes too.

It doesn't mean you don't love your DB if you say 'I can't do this anymore, I have my own family to look after and its not fair on them '. You've done enough and should feel proud of all the help you've given. DB and DM need to arrange a GP appointment to get him seen by psychological services and help him find better occupation for his days, which will improve his mental health.

[LagunaBubbles]

Marynary you have no clue what situations I have been in my personal life so it's not easy to say - however it's the truth. I am also a Psychiatric Nurse and have many years experiences seeing the devastation mental illness has on relatives and carers.

[sophiestew]

My friend had a brother like this. Completely indulged by their DM who used him as some weird kind of substitute for a DP and just wanted him unable to leave home or have a normal life. It was awful.

When the DM died ( leaving her entire estate to the son) it was like the weight was lifted from him. He was able to go out, make friends, look after himself. He even lost the strong stutter he had always had. It was the mother causing all his problems and he was too weak and infantilised to know how to deal with it.

[eddielizzard]

i also would do as kingdom suggests, and get the easy food in for him. just get through the 2 weeks but never help out again.

he's depressed because he's not allowed to grow up and it's easier to just wallow. the second he stands on his own feet he'll start to feel a lot better.

[Marynary]

Marynary any of us could decide to give up on looking after ourselves at any point and expect others to do something. The only way to end it is for the other people to not cave in and run around after us and baby us. I have the same thing with my brother and on the few occasions he has had no choice but to look after himself he has managed. He can actually do things when he doesn't have my mum running around after him.

You don't know that he is like your brother though!! He is a different person and may or may not be capable of looking after himself but the fact is that you , as a stranger on the internet does not know.

[redshoeblueshoe]

You are now enabling your mothers enabling

This - exactly. Marynary I and clearly others on here have experience of people with very serious MH problems, and seen others who are just pampered. I know 4 adults who still live with mummy and daddy - not because they can't afford to, but because the families do everything for them. I mean adults over 26 - all on good salaries.

[user1471552005]

What do you mean he's" coming to you"?

Did you invite him?

I wouldn't do this. Plenty people live with mental illness still function and hold down jobs.
He has a computer so presumably can order groceries to be delivered if he can't face going out.

[redshoeblueshoe]

I also would not let him bring the playstation

[SideEye]

What a nightmare. But you don't have to be part of this. Just say it's no longer convenient. Suggest your mum gets an iPad and facetimes him all day long.

[2kids2dogsnosense]

That is terribly sad, Francis. Just as a matter of interest - what happened to the brother when your friend was hospitalised? I bet all of a sudden it turned out that he COULD make make a sandwich/heat up some soup/open a tin of beans etc.

If he could manage to get between two homes (hers and his own) then he could manage other stuff, the selfish git.

[user7755]

Not sure if you are still reading this but, if he hasn't already go a care co-ordinator he needs to be referred to mental health services.

They will do an assessment of his MH needs and determine whether he needs long term support or short term treatment. If he is referred to a community mental health team (or already has a care co-ordinator), he needs an OT assessment. They will offer advice on what he can and can't do (as opposed to will or won't do) and should make suggestions for how he can get back to a more functional existence and reduce the pressure on your mum.

They would also do a carer's assessment for your mum. Although it doesn't sound like she thinks the situation is a problem.

[CiderwithBuda]

I would try to use the time to help your DB grow up a bit and become more self sufficient. Ask him if this is honestly how he wants to spend the rest of his life. Does he want a job? Independence? Travel? A relationship? Children? Etc. Try and get him out of the flat for a bit every day for some air.

Involve him in cooking. If he won't eat what you are having let him make himself something - even if it's just a sandwich.

If his current meds aren't helping he needs more help/support in that area. Counselling maybe.

Of course if he is happy to carry on they way he is there isn't much you can do. But then you have the perfect excuse to just refuse point blank next time.

[Marynary]

Marynary you have no clue what situations I have been in my personal life so it's not easy to say - however it's the truth. I am also a Psychiatric Nurse and have many years experiences seeing the devastation mental illness has on relatives and carers.

I'm fairly sure from your posts that you haven't been in the situation where rightly or wrongly you have felt responsible for a relative's well-being. It is easy for others to say that you shouldn't feel responsible and if they come to harm it is not your responsibility but not so easy to feel that way if you are the one in the situation.
You may be a psychiatric nurse and have experience of people with mental health conditions but you don't know OP's brother. As suggested by one or two others there may be other reasons for his apparent inability to look after himself and telling her to "wash her hands" in not helpful.

[youarenotkiddingme]

If your DB is so severely disabled by his condition he can't be left unattended then your DM can ask for a care assessment and services will be bought in. Easier said than done because the system is tough to navigate but what you describe is someone incapable of basic self help and care - that is severly disabled.

The assessment may confirm your mothers stance or give you your get out if jail free card if it turns out he's capable!

[Sprinklestar]

Tell him your DC is unwell and unfortunately he won't be able to stay now. Job done. Can't stand people like this. If he has a genuine medical condition then fine, but I'm note sure he does! Your DH surely won't stand for this for long?! And there is no way I'd move a baby from their room in these circumstances. A family emergency, yes, but not this.

[riceuten]

Tell him he will eat what you eat, when you eat

He will do stuff around the house

He will share the telly with everyone else

He will either give up and bugger off, or never come again.

If you're doing this to please your mum, then this is a conversation you have probably avoided having for some time...

[phillipp]

I am going to go out on a limb and say the brother doesn't need round the clock care.

The op seems nice and put herself out before for her mum. I would guess that if the op thought he was genuinely that I'll he needed round the clock care she would help out.

For him not to be able to be alone at all, he would have to be really ill. Would the ops mum really go on holiday and leave this to her Dd?

I have been in the ops situation (not a brother) and it's actually quit easy to step away. You just have to get a to a certain point where you realise that it's not helping or that you are in fact making it worse.

[DelicatePreciousThing1]

@Marynary
And neither do YOU know any better than anyone else. Even if you admitted to being a psychiatrist, I would doubt your online "diagnosis".

[DelicatePreciousThing1]

People are only offering qualified opinions.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I am really shocked by some of these stories. An assessment is absolutely necessary to discover what the issue is. Living in this limbo is ruining his life, that of your mother and if you aren't very careful will ruin yours and your Dd's. I don't know if he truly is a parasite or has an underlying condition. It sounds as if he's living an existence, not a life and if you don't take steps to understand and then take any steps to change the situation, you will be sucked in. This is grossly unfair to your DD.