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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Flatmate walks around in her knickers..

74 replies

desperate16 · 03/09/2016 18:38

AIBU to feel uncomfortable? I share a flat with two people, both students. They're in a relationship. They share a room and have turned the second bedroom into their private living room. I have a larger room (what should be the living room). The three of us share a kitchen and bathroom.

I am feeling more and more that they don't want me around. They have made it plainly obvious they are having sex - lubricant left lying around the flat, sex in the bath a couple of times so I can't use the loo until they're done.

They've bought lots of new stuff for the kitchen - they now have 4 cupboards to share (I have 2) and have set the table for themselves with placemats etc. I feel extremely uncomfortable sitting with them so sit in my room, eat on my bed or sofa.

The thing that's annoyed me today is that female flatmate has started walking around in her knickers and a t shirt. Walked into kitchen to get a drink and they were sitting having breakfast - she just had her knickers and a top on, he had on jeans/shirt. I don't know why it made me uncomfortable, I felt that I was intruding on their space and so went back to my room until I heard them leave. Not the first time, I've seen her do this mid afternoon, evening as well etc.

There's a language barrier as they are both Italian as is the landlord, but I can cope with that - I'm very quiet anyway and they don't seem interested in making much conversation.

I don't know what to do. I can't afford to rent by myself , and haven't got anyone else I could share with . I'm hoping to move to new city next spring to start a second degree, make a new life for myself but that's at least 9 months away still.

I don't feel comfortable asking her about it, I think she'd be embarrassed or maybe annoyed that I feel this way. I don't even know her partner's name, I introduced myself and tried to make conversation but he appears not to want to.

Perhaps I am just being a bit prudish (British?!) .. I should just put up shouldn't I?

OP posts:

Absentmindedwoman · 03/09/2016 21:09

I live with two other women and we wander around in bras and knickers, or in a tshirt with knickers and no bra, I didn't know this could be an issue to other folk.

I'm a complete exhibitionist naturist but I wouldn't hang out topless in my shared kitchen, and I'd expect the same consideration from my flatmates. Not the right environment. Boundaries, and all that.

As picked up on by others, the cupboards thing seems fair?

But it sounds like they are very much hogging the bathroom, kitchen table, etc?

Lube left out - well, where was it?! If found in the kitchen I'd be annoyed thinking they had shagged on the kitchen table or something. Not acceptable in a shared place. Again, some people really struggle with boundaries.

If I was away and my flatmate fucked someone on the kitchen table I wouldn't actually care as long as they cleaned it properly with Dettol or something afterwards, because what I don't know won't hurt me - but the face the lube is lazily chucked to one side suggests cleaning up thoroughly wasn't a priority.

heartyrebel · 03/09/2016 21:23

I'd be looking for another shared flat - hiding in your room feeling miserable is not a good way to live. Find a flat that has a shared living area.
You wont win on this one

janethegirl2 · 03/09/2016 21:26

Two people in a flat share (with 2 bedrooms between them) decide to live in one room and have the other as their living room, how does that impact on the other sharer?

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 03/09/2016 21:26

Swap their lube for Fiery Jack ?
Seriously though I'd look for somewhere else to live.

janethegirl2 · 03/09/2016 21:28

Yes, if the third sharer in the accommodation can't deal with it, let them get alternative accommodation!

janethegirl2 · 03/09/2016 21:33

I'd sooner deal with nudity than dirty fuckers leaving the shared areas unclean and the bathroom minging!

However each to their own!!!

Puddington · 03/09/2016 21:44

how does that impact on the other sharer?

I think the thing is that the OP's bedroom was originally the living room in the house, so the couple have a bedroom and a living room whereas OP only has her bedroom, then the communal areas of the kitchen and bathroom where she feels uncomfortable.

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 03/09/2016 21:51

Lots of excellent suggestions, here. Take control of the shared space. Have a leisurely breakfast, leisurely baths and so on.
But yes, look for a new place. This situation sounds horrible.

janethegirl2 · 03/09/2016 21:52

If the op doesn't like it, it's her issue, just move on.

hotdiggedy · 03/09/2016 22:52

You are not very helpful jane. the Op is in an unfortunate situation and it most certainly isnt her fault. Nor is it a situation that the majority of people would want to be in.

CathFromCooberPedy · 03/09/2016 23:04

I shared with a Jane once. Just because she didn't mind showing her foof didn't mean we all wanted to see it. Was fucking glad when her bf split and she had to leave tbh.

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 03/09/2016 23:17

I bet there strict Catholic upbringings have something to do with there selfish behaviour.
Another vote for roomshare.com

DontMindMe1 · 04/09/2016 00:37

why do I need to wear more in my own house? you don't NEED to, but if you're house sharing with members of the opposite sex then surely there have to be sensible boundaries?

i know it's 'my right' to wander round in a bikini in my home if i want, but i'm sure my male housemates and their friends/gf wouldn't have felt very comfortable. shared space=consideration for others.

hotdiggedy · 04/09/2016 06:10

Speaking of selfish people, I am awake now because people in the building opposite me were making so much noise on their balcony at 4.30am (having a very loud shouting conversation that went on forever). No doubt they had a great evening and a great time talking loudly about their great evening and are now fast asleep ready to wake up in a few hours feeling refreshed. I on the other hand couldn't get back to sleep which means I will be struggling to stay awake later when I have things to do.

Just why are some people so selfish?

YelloDraw · 04/09/2016 08:03

They don't sound that annoying.

They are paying for, and using two rooms, between two people. Thst is not unfair. Probably nicer for you because they will be out of the kitchen and in their 'living room' more Han if they weren't a couple.

Cuoboards, again, fair. 2 each per person.

Pants and tshirt - that's covered and acceptable at home. Don't project your own issues onto other people.

Dining table set for 2 - yeah but annoying. I wold buy my own placemat and set a third place.

Bath - yeah annoying. It's house share etiquette to shout "I'm going for a bath, does anyone need the bathroom first". Or you could have gone and knocked and said you needed a week after 30 mins.

SabineUndine · 04/09/2016 08:09

I once had a flatshare with two women who were friends and it was very clear I was the 'third girl', there to pay the rent, pick up more than my share of the bills and housework and keep out of the way.

I moved out after six weeks. I think you should too. Find yourself another flatshare.

madein1995 · 04/09/2016 09:13

I dint think knickers and shirt is right. when in shared accommodation at uni I was being daring when I went in the kitchen for a cuppa in Jim jams without a bra. in the same sex environment it's fine but otherwise I think you should cover up to an extent. Same goes for men, my male flatmates used to walk around in boxers and slippers sometimes - not nice, but I didn't say anything as they were nice people and didn't want to cause an issue. I wouldn't have done the same thing though

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 04/09/2016 09:55

I hate it when you read threads, thinking of advice/points to make to help out, and then get to the end and realise that the OP isn't really interested in replies/discussion and hasn't come back. Why do they bother posting in the first place?

HereIAm20 · 04/09/2016 10:58

Maybe they are reading but don't feel the need to reply to all the different answers

lalalonglegs · 04/09/2016 11:26

I bet there strict Catholic upbringings have something to do with there selfish behaviour. Really? Do people think that all Italians or even Italians generally are hung up by religion? And why would Catholicism make people more selfish ? What a lazy stereotype very weird thing to say.

Original poster

desperate16 · 04/09/2016 12:20

I am reading :), I was just up with my mum most of last night, she's not been well so I haven't had much time to reply!

It's three separate tenancies, and I agree now that I'm thinking about shared space.. It just feels like it's 'their' flat and I'm intruding somehow. I take care of all finances like electric, broadband and they pay me accordingly for what they owe each month.

It's not a Catholic thing - although I am. I'm not very confident about my body (I'm overweight) so I wouldn't walk around in my knickers. But I grew up in quite a naked household etc. I just feel like I'm bursting in on something intimate if they're both having breakfast together and she's in her underwear.

Just a bit lonely and probably jealous I guess (not of the sex!)

I'm older than they both are and I work full time, they're students. I've also lived in the flat longer than both.

I guess it's probably more my issues than theirs, I would love my own space but I don't get paid enough to do it. I'm £430 at the moment. Can't afford more than that really.

OP posts:

LadySpratt · 04/09/2016 12:37

Swap the lube for deep heat

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/09/2016 13:17

Do you get on well with your mum, it sounds as though she's close by? Can't you move back in with her temporarily, regroup and find something nice? You've been there longer than the two twats you're living with so I'm imagining you can get out of the lease with a months notice.

Justaboy · 04/09/2016 14:07

Suppose you'd best start reading the tenancy agreement and see what you are entitled to there should be a clause to "have or enjoy the premises" without hindrance or very similar. Seems that may well have been infringed put a written, not verbal, complaint to your landlord and if he cannot remedy the situation then I think you may well have the right to call you part of the contract infringed so if he can't sort it then what's he going to do with you going before its up ?

Course you can fall out with the landlord but these days most premises renters will ask for references from your previous landlord's so it'd be your word against his which may affect you renting elsewhere.

Either way I don't see this getting any better unless they split up!.

As to your own space and cannot afford it it seems sadly this is the generation rent that we hear so much about, older people having to flat share long past the usual age you can cope with that!

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