dd 22 at home - am on hols aibu concerned

[mrsfuzzy]

this sounds silly but i'm concerned about her being at home whilst we are on holiday, has missed out on college this year, [didn't get her student loan sorted in time] and will be working usual two days a week, [not likely to get extra hours], she will be staying at her nans [she's elderly] but in the past has spent more time at home than at nans whilst we are away. she is bright but very scatterbrain, doesn't lock the front door behind her, leaves windows open when she goes out - you get the picture, her sibs will be a college/ school so are out during the day. have had problems in the past when she has come back and her sibs were out and we were away. a friend came round, they went out locked themselves out and had to climb through the open kitchen window !
in the past she has been at college whilst we've been away so we've pretty much known what has been happening as a sib has usually been at home, so this time is an unknown quantity. nan is housebound and there is noone we can ask to check discreetly on things. it is putting me off going and my dh, although concerned is getting irritated with dd [hasn't told her] and, understandably a bit with me.
i need to get a grip or better still get some advice, feel quite stressed but please tell me if ibu about my concerns, but they are very real. i don't want to go on holiday because of this now.

At 19 I was a single mother with my own house. In the nicest way possible - get a fucking grip

Wow how does someone get to 22 and be like this? I was out living very far from my parents in my own place having finished a university degree prepping to start a post grad?! If you're genuinely concerned for her safety and welfare and your home then of course YANBU but a big BUT a) you know that she needs to grow up and b) I would be concerned if a 22 year old was this irresponsible. Or maybe I'm BU?! Are there many 22 year olds like this?!

I don't understand. You say she is training to be a vet. That is something you do at Uni, not college. Is she part way through this? What has she been doing since she did GCSEs?

Why is she only working two days a week?

It does sound like she has undiagnosed SN, or you just treat her like she does.

How is she training how be a vet "at college"?? Do you mean vet nursing?

FGS she's 22, apparently training to be a vet and she can't remember to lock a door or sort out finances for her course. Is she the best person to stay with gm

I am very proud of my younger Dsis- Aged 17, with a full time job and small rented flat, I was the same at 16/just turning 17.
I had no idea someone could get to 22 and be so clueless! :S
But, clearly you can so I'll pop my disbelief to one side and try to be useful!
I think in general you need to stop doing things for her, washing, cleaning/Managing money etc, Stop everything. Everytime the door is left open can you think of a penalty?
I think I'd make her pay for the insurance if she's invalidated.
For example if your insurance is £30pm I'd be charging her £1 every day she did it,Put it in a money jar or savings account for her if she's that bad of an offender for it and you feel bad,But I'd be thinking of some kind of penalty to be honest!
I'd expect this kind of behavior (general airheadedness) from a 14 year old,tops.

Are you sure she doesn't have ADHD, OP?

I came on to post exactly what ToadsJustFellFromTheSky's just said.

I would investigate ADHD. If your DD does have it, finding out and getting help now rather than much later (or never) could dramatically improve her life chances and self esteem.

OP Leave her a checklist and have a sit down talk with her about what you expect from her and that you are trusting her to keep the family home safe. I get that some 22,23,24 year olds are still scatterbrained and more immature than others. I have one like that and my other one is way more mature, has her own apartment etc. They are both completely different.
I also understand that your husband is getting irritated with you because he wants to go away with you and have a lovely break, just the two of you.
Your relationship is very important too so maybe you need to do all you can by talking to her, leaving checklists and giving her a notebook maybe to check things off in too and give her an incentive maybe as a reward for being helpful and looking after the home whilst you are away.

She needs to grow up a bit. At 22 i had lived alone for 4 years, buried a child and had another child.

You say she's not mollycoddled but she's 22, fucked up her student load and she is allowed to stay at home only working 2 days a week p

Pressed post too soon

Presumably paying no rent even though she's not studying this year. She is a fully grown adult- I understand someone studying not paying their way but she's not. She isn't at college this year so there is no reason why she can't get a proper job and move out in a few months. I would be telling a child I didn't trust with my property this. She could save a bit to help pay for rent in the final year of her course too. I know some people have said not all 22 year olds can afford to move out but they can if they work!

All the people piling in to say "My DD/DS is 12 years old and has been living on his/her own from the age of 10 AND looking after a baby" are not exactly helping are they?

The OP clearly wants some advice - not "My child is considerably more mature than yours"

mrsfuzzy - I'd be making posters in big bold letters with instructions.

Can you text her daily during the holiday (if it's not too expensive) to nag remind her to do things?

She says she's an adult and can do what she wants? Well she's not acting like one. It's basic home security to lock doors, if she's not capable of that (and since she has no SN I have no idea why she's not capable!) then she needs to live somewhere else when you're away.

Well, I don't know.

I have a nearly 22 year old who leaves windows open and loses keys and bank cards and coats. Only applied fir his student finance for third year this year. Slowly getting better.

We think the £250 key fine he got on his house last year helped! The house was standing when we got back from holiday last week and we had reservations about him staying on his own and arranged for someone to come in every day to feed the cats. to keep an eye

He doesn't have ADHD although may have a few low level traits. Took 44 IB points, is expected a first, has a part-time job and can get himself across a Continent and between continents. His organisation flatlines over the mundane stuff.

Like some of you, I lived alone from 20, bought a flat at 21 but that wasn't particularly normal.

I'm more concerned about the op leaving the younger ones as they start back at school or college. I think it's a great deal more irresponsible to leave young humans at key stages of their lives than it is to be disorganised over bricks and mortar.

If the op were looking after the young ones the issue of the eldest wouldn't arise. Appreciate that's against the grain but don't really understand why the parents are having a holiday as the schools go back.

Has applied for third year finance this week that should say.

the college is a specialist one [not the bog standard type] and is linked to the local uni, uni courses can be taken at the college campus, she is due to do level 4 towards vet work, there was a massive mess up earlier in june with funding and she was pushed from pillar to post with the student loan thing, they needed this, that, shoe size and papers were sent back and forth, BUT from what i saw[ she showed me the papers 80% of the hold up was with them, so as of last night she is looking at a different angle to fund it.
anyhow, during the last few years of college she was working at weekends and in college mon -fri full time, so she certainly isn't lazy.
nan is house bound because she is agrophobic and although fully self
caring, enjoys the company of my dcs visiting and staying over.
whilst i'm happy for dd to live at home for now and she contributes to family life in a proactive way she is scatter brained outside work and her studies. from what i read on here on my post it doesn't seem that unusual.
thanks for all the responses, good, bad and , you are a great bunch, you've helped our family through another recent problem which is currently being addressed with master fuzzy [for those who advised, yes, it was depression and he is being medicated and has just been put on a work placement, best of all, he is slowly starting to engage with the family more, i'm so happy for him, so for your support with that one.
we are going to get sorted out with the positive support we've had on here and i've shown dd the thread. some of it she was a bit 'wtf, i know i forget some stuff, but see where your coming from.' she was also surprised that so many people had their own places, as she doesn't know anyone in that position apart from in flat share but they are working full time. am hoping to go forward now with this and am sending you all a big for your help.

oh the 20yo is more mature than me sometimes he and his dbro [18] want to flat share as soon as they can.

I was scatterbrain ed at 22(stiil am at 45) but I had a flat a baby and a partner so just had to get on with it I couldn't find keys letc but survived you need to talk to her about this not yelling her I'd doing no good she is an adult not a teenager talk to her like a grow n up tell her you don't trust her in the house to secure it when she leaves.

Take the window key? Then she just needs to remember to lock the door. Maybe she'll be better at that without her parents around to do it if she forgets. She really should be able to remember that on her own regardless. Go out the door - lock it.

francis yes she is working towards being a vet. the finance hasn't been a problem before as my exh financed her previously, several of her friends have had problems with the loans this year, i've had a couple of their parents moaning to me about it saying it's been a bit shambolic.

To get on a vet med course needs four top a levels and lots ofrelevant work experience. It's also a five or six year degree which one would be unusual to be starting at 22? It's way harder to get on than medicine. Not really the topic of this thread I start to drill into what the college is offering ( are you sure it is not access to a vet nursing qualification?). Many collegs promise the world with certain qualifications "this can lead to
..." but the reality is different

Does she have a levels in chemistry (compulsory for vet med degrees ) and three other science based subjects?

She goes out without locking the door yet locked herself out?

Me and my partner are 21, in our own home. You're being ridiculous.