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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

dd 22 at home - am on hols aibu concerned

100 replies

mrsfuzzy · 02/09/2016 19:45

this sounds silly but i'm concerned about her being at home whilst we are on holiday, has missed out on college this year, [didn't get her student loan sorted in time] and will be working usual two days a week, [not likely to get extra hours], she will be staying at her nans [she's elderly] but in the past has spent more time at home than at nans whilst we are away. she is bright but very scatterbrain, doesn't lock the front door behind her, leaves windows open when she goes out - you get the picture, her sibs will be a college/ school so are out during the day. have had problems in the past when she has come back and her sibs were out and we were away. a friend came round, they went out locked themselves out and had to climb through the open kitchen window !
in the past she has been at college whilst we've been away so we've pretty much known what has been happening as a sib has usually been at home, so this time is an unknown quantity. nan is housebound and there is noone we can ask to check discreetly on things. it is putting me off going and my dh, although concerned is getting irritated with dd [hasn't told her] and, understandably a bit with me.
i need to get a grip or better still get some advice, feel quite stressed but please tell me if ibu about my concerns, but they are very real. i don't want to go on holiday because of this now.

OP posts:
elderberryflower · 02/09/2016 19:59

I was married with a mortgage at 23, how if she is NT is she that irresponsible? I'd take away her key and give her the rental pages!

Serialweightwatcher · 02/09/2016 20:01

Make sure your house insurance is up-to-date, any valuables locked safely away and maybe ask a neighbour to keep an eye on the place - hopefully though she'll be fine and may have improved since last time

BlancheBlue · 02/09/2016 20:01

If she doesn't lock the door and windows when she goes out I would be worried too. As pp said, make her stay at nans by taking her keys when you are away?

TheDowagerCuntess · 02/09/2016 20:01

If you're (rightly) concerned for the security of the house, then you don't let her stay there, and you spell out exactly why - in words she will understand.

And you tell her she won't be staying there unsupervised until such point in time as she cops herself on.

I bet she will start to sort of herself out, if those are the options.

I'd worry about the safety of Gran's house too, if she's this hopeless.

A little bit less enabling of her scatterbrained ways, really.

mrsfuzzy · 02/09/2016 20:03

heidi and beez she is so carefree in her thinking and stuff washes over her, if i took the key off her she'd still rock up at ours because nan doesn't have internet and she'd get bored [ that will be the excuse to come back and her sibs will let her in/stay over. but i am taking on board what is being said and think i'm getting some ideas from you all of what to do.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 02/09/2016 20:03

If she's 22 she must have been out of compulsory education for six years. What has she been doing?

Meloncoley2 · 02/09/2016 20:05

I have an adult niece like this OP, so I know where you are coming from. Her siblings are very organised, so her behaviour is a frustration to the rest of the family. She is a lovely person, but completely scatty. Would it help to have a sign on the door? REMEMBER TO LOCK DOORS AND WINDOWS

AnnaMarlowe · 02/09/2016 20:06

I'm a bit Shock at this.

Sit her down before you go.
Reiterate the house rules.

She's 22!! Stop treating her like a 10 year old and give her some responsibility.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 02/09/2016 20:06

I'm sure she will be fine. It will b a good experience for her.

I owned my own flat at 20 years old!

Sara107 · 02/09/2016 20:06

22? High time she learned not to be looked after!

QueenLizIII · 02/09/2016 20:07

Nothing to do with age.

My first bf was the same. He had no practicality whatsoever. When we shared a ground floor fat at that age, I was sick and I was tired of walking into the kitchen late at night to find the fucking door wide open. God knows how long it had been like that.

He had this annoying habit of wanting fresh air throughout the house the whole time and left a window open in every room and frequently went into the garden at night to faff around and get fresh air and was completely incapable of even closing the fucking door behind him once he came inside. I just didnt understand. It drove me crazy.

I wouldnt let her stay there alone as she sounds like my first bf.

Lorelei76 · 02/09/2016 20:08

Years ago, i refused to let a friend stay in the flat because she was like that

For this holiday she has to stay at her nans, then when you get back she's got to earn privileges, including internet access, till she learns to act her age.

Cantusethatname · 02/09/2016 20:10

I came home for lunch on Thursday to find the front door locked and the back door WIDE open. DS (nearly 20) had gone off to work. He's a clever and lovely lad but very scatterbrained as you say. He genuinely means to remember but just forgets...so I feel your pain.
My suggestion is a spreadsheet, printed out, with spaces to tick that she has checked and locked every door. Maybe even photograph every door and the oven every time she goes out.

donajimena · 02/09/2016 20:11

fitfatty yep
I'm ADHD. I'm the daughter. (Not really but you know what I mean)

TowerRavenSeven · 02/09/2016 20:11

I can understand how you might feel that way because I have a family member who is 19, no special needs but has never been alone in a house for more than a few hours. Parents have done him a real disservice by babying him, (not implying you are).

Anyway his father who he lives with needs to have some surgery done and asked the mother if she will 'watch him'.

She refuses to go there but won't have him with her either because he burned down her house when he was 10 or 11. Her new husband absolutely refuses for him to stay with them (I don't blame him). Anyway I told her just let him get on with it. She's worried because he's never cooked (I'm talking microwaving!) anything before. I told her get him a book about life skills and leave him to it. He'll learn very quickly.

Would it help if you wrote down a list: remember to lock doors, close Windows, turn off oven, etc? Explicitly tell her you want them followed to the letter.

Claramarion · 02/09/2016 20:15

Is she dyslexic or dyspraxic or just very light headed, I as an adult loose keys forget to lock the back door and can be very forgetful but I lived by myself when I was 16 and since have learned strategies to cope. Unfortunately when we enable children or give them no responsibility they will never learn kids are far too moly coddle on in general these days (not commenting on yours) they need to learn from mistakes and consequences from mistakes if she looses Keyes make her pay for them if she's locked out make her wait in the cold. Make it clear this is her last chance to be lest at home and if she Dosent handle this responsible she will pay for any damages and will need to make alternative arrangements next time you're away x

NerrSnerr · 02/09/2016 20:15

You say she's missed out on college this year? Has she done previous years and lived away? It sounds like she needs more responsibility, at 22 she really should be working more and contributing or living in her own place. She'll soon learn to be responsible when it's all her own stuff.

MeadwayMumofFour · 02/09/2016 20:22

How about things like keys on long key chains attached to her bag? Checklist at eye level on the door of what to shut on her way out. Windows locked and window keys on a pot on the sill. Tell her not unlock them. Mind you that might not work with siblings at home.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 02/09/2016 20:23

if i took the key off her she'd still rock up at ours because nan doesn't have internet and she'd get bored [ that will be the excuse to come back and her sibs will let her in/stay over.

Are her younger siblings staying at home too? But she has to go stay with granny because she's such an airhead?

How embarrassing (for her) if so.

Leeds2 · 02/09/2016 20:24

Is she meant to be looking after/responsible for her siblings?

Orda1 · 02/09/2016 20:32

My god. 22.

I usually hate threads where people are like 'when I was 15 I was down the pits' but honestly most 22 year olds have their own place.

Yabu.

skyyequake · 02/09/2016 20:33

I'm 22, I used to be a lot like this, but then I had DD and I've been forced to grow up a lot! (I say she's been my crash course in how to be an adult)
I don't really know what to suggest other than being very serious with her - you never know, not getting to go to college because of her mistakes might have woken her up a bit!
Discuss with her what helps her remember things (like school info) and try and use your own experience to try and help her be more organized in line with her own type of learning...

OhSoggyBiscuit · 02/09/2016 20:37

I'm a 22 year old with SN, even I managed a week at home alone. (though I did struggle a bit a couple of times)

With some reminders like previous posters have suggested, I see no reason why she wouldn't be fine at home alone.

FeckinCrutches · 02/09/2016 20:38

I'm a bit confused.
Your younger children are at school and college and they are staying in the house while you are on holiday.
But your 22yo is staying with her nana because she can't be trusted in the house?

Is that correct? How old are the other ones?

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 02/09/2016 20:38

but honestly most 22 year olds have their own place

I'm not sure that's quite true. Unless by "own place" you mean the tree house at the bottom of the parental home. Grin

The average age for moving out is rising.

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