To just ask someone why I'm not likeable? *trigger: pathetic*

[AliceScarlett]

I'm nearly always left out of things. I'm that one person who didn't get invited. I have one friend, I used to have two but the other one cancelled on me 4 times in a row so I gave up.

Time and time and time again I'm not included or invited out. I'll invite people out or over and I think we have a good time and then I never hear from them. I'm perfectly happy to accept I'm doing something wrong, there is enough evidence to suggest I'm in the wrong and not everyone else. I would just like to know what it is so I can change it, so I need to ask someone.

DH has no idea why people react this way to me and thinks it will just be weird, which it will be, but I'd rather have yet another person think I'm weird and know what it is than continue to feel so isolated and disliked.

It's not that I'm try-to-hard either, people pick up on desperation so I make sure I'm relaxed and don't contact them too much etc. When I'm with people I smile and chat and make eye contact and if someone is having a rough time I'll offer to help, etc.

I think I just need to ask someone and hope they tell me the truth.

Thoughts?

Look I honestly think having good friends is just like finding a good boyfriend - it's not that easy to find people you really click with. But when you do, it's amazing.

The theme seems to be that people are busy or expect others to do the arranging or it takes while to meet people you really click with and bond with them. All excellent points that make me feel better about this. Maybe I'm not unlikeable and if I just keep trying it will happen eventually. All i can do is try, I don't want to give up and be all bitter and down on myself.

It is also much easier to socialise with people you regularly bump into

I find

That way people are reminded that you exist iyswim

Yes, hang in there, OP, it is worth it.

I would just say that in general, people are bloody difficult to get to come out. I have plenty of friends and don't really think I'm unlikeable, but I nearly always am the one to organise stuff with the them, and any play dates I organise with new mum friends are frequently cancelled or rearranged several time before they come off. I just think it's part of modern life now.

Secondly, I think sometimes what happens is that if you turn down an offer to do something the very first time you are asked (eg by work colleagues) then that is basically your one chance and you don't get asked again. It's unfair, because maybe it was just that one time that really wasn't convenient, but I think people just make the assumption you aren't interested. If you say yes the first time, but then turn down future offers, you still seem to be included in the group for going out in swim. Not saying you did this, but I have noticed it happen. Make it a point to always say yes if you at all can, and definitely stay strong and keep persisting. It's unlikely to be you, it's more just how people are nowadays.

Also totally agree with Baba - regularly running into people seems to increase the chances of making friends with them. I have found my daughter starting at kindergarten to be the easiest way to make friends at this point in my life, and it's just because we are constantly running into each other at drop-offs and pick-ups.

I think it takes a very long time to develop friendships. Years of meet ups and shared experiences so don't be hard on yourself. You're making the right efforts, just not found the right person yet. I only have two mates who I would tell all my problems or a funny meme (is that for kids, sorry...). I still don't though.

I'm like you, very cynical but good fun, bit introverted and I think some of this can rub off as being a bit quirky which some people just don't get. I have some great friends (only talking meet up for lunch level) who are still surprised at my less than sincere comments about things. It can be seen as negativity I think and I have to temper it... I find a lot if people 2 dimensional as well if that makes any sense? Laughing too much at very old jokes etc. I have found my intellectual equals make the best mates if that helps too. I'm talking similar level of education here. We have more shared background and its proven that we all seek our own types in the crowd. Don't forget that the ones you will get on with are probably going to be in the minority.

I'm rambling now but wanted to help a little

There are lots of people who say lets get together again but the trick is really stating when/where and then eventually deciding on regular slots - alternative Wednesday's or first Friday in the month.

Nothing wrong with being weird, who wants to be normal?! Agree with what others have said don't just assume it's you.

I felt like this for a while 5 years ago after growing apart from secondary school friends, but it was more me than them as I had changed and I didn't have much in common any more with them.

Am nearly 29 and this happened again recently, I felt I was growing apart from a couple friends that I'd know for years contact becoming less frequent, being left out etc but come to realise it's because they are in a different stage of life from me and we have less in common.

Being hurt about it didn't do me any favours, I just thought fuck it and moved on. Now although I feel envy sometimes of others and their big groups of friends, it passes quickly and I'm happy with the couple of good friends I do have. It's quality not quantity.

Completely agree though it's tough making new friends, especially when you're socially awkward like I am. Am having a baby though soon so I hear it gets easier...although possibly not, I think I'll be like Sharon from Catastrope.

Xx

Every single one of my friends I met at baby groups...I stayed friends with them for years...I feel sorry for mums at the school gates neededing friends thou as a lot just arnt interested,they have their friendship group and stand together chatting ignoring the other mums...I talk to anyone ,but these women just arnt friendly.....I think it's like another poster said.people just get to a point in their lives where they have enough friends and dont need to make the effort to have any more...

I think particular situations have more friendship potential than others too. Eg my parents had very few friends when I was growing up & I always wondered why. Then they moved to part of the country where people are just friendlier & now have a busy social life. From how you write on here, I doubt you are the problem!

I am sure there is nothing wrong with you, there could be loads of reasons why you aren't so close to your work colleagues but I wouldn't worry about that, just be friendly to them but look to meet more people outside of work. What are your interests, are there any local clubs you could join? DM made lots of friends through cookery and needlework clubs, DSIS joined cake decorating clubs and lots of friends have joined sports clubs, photography clubs etc. There might be places where you could volunteer as well, local sporting events, brownies, guides etc. Just get out there and mingle and it will happen naturally, good luck.

If you want to get coffee with the woman from your sport next time you see her make exact arrangements eg

"Sarah, after sport next Thursday I'm going for a coffee in Costa, do you want to come too?"

Then on the Wednesday text: are you still up for coffee tomorrow?

Also do you use social media? Are you fb friends with these people you want to be irl friends with?

Thanks everyone, this thread has made me feel a lot better. I did Park Run yesterday and went to the cafe afterwards, got chatting to a couple of people and we followed each other on Strava, maybe its about doing as much of that sort of stuff as possible.

Good plan about being specific as well rather than wishy washy.

I wonder with work colleagues whether I'm just flogging a dead horse - I'm clearly not in the inner circle, so why keep trying and feeling disappointed? Put efforts elsewhere.

I use social media a lot, but generally with people idk irl, can't stand fb. Which probably doesn't help, but I'd rather have no friends than have fb, which just shows how much I hate it.

I'd definitely be like the mum in Catastrophe too!

Well done about park run, maybe join a local running club too, they normally do a lot of social activities which you could get involved in.

Spread the net - ask a load of people from the sport/club and make it a more regular thing. Some people view friendships in a similar way, with similar rules, to relationship (who called when, black and white over whether they are friends) and some people are more serendipitous (I fancy seeing this film, maybe x would like it). IME there is often misunderstanding when the two types meet. Also, loads of people are insecure about asking friends for coffee etc. so you absolutely should not read too much into not being asked - repeatedly turned down is totally different.

Good luck, you sound lovely - aim for a gang!

Op, your Dh married you so you're clearly not unlikable.