To just ask someone why I'm not likeable? *trigger: pathetic*

[AliceScarlett]

I'm nearly always left out of things. I'm that one person who didn't get invited. I have one friend, I used to have two but the other one cancelled on me 4 times in a row so I gave up.

Time and time and time again I'm not included or invited out. I'll invite people out or over and I think we have a good time and then I never hear from them. I'm perfectly happy to accept I'm doing something wrong, there is enough evidence to suggest I'm in the wrong and not everyone else. I would just like to know what it is so I can change it, so I need to ask someone.

DH has no idea why people react this way to me and thinks it will just be weird, which it will be, but I'd rather have yet another person think I'm weird and know what it is than continue to feel so isolated and disliked.

It's not that I'm try-to-hard either, people pick up on desperation so I make sure I'm relaxed and don't contact them too much etc. When I'm with people I smile and chat and make eye contact and if someone is having a rough time I'll offer to help, etc.

I think I just need to ask someone and hope they tell me the truth.

Thoughts?

Could it be that you're so worried about seeming OTT that you're not keeping in touch enough? For example, if a further night out is discussed why not get the ball rolling?

Have you asked your one friend?

Your DH is clearly no help here.

1 he loves you, so is totally biased in your favour

2 he has been socialised as a man, so is likely not to pick up on female friendship cues

Maybe you give up too soon?

People who are less easily popular have to work a bit harder before they get invited to things.

If people are accepting your invitations in the first place, you must be reasonably likeable.

How old are you OP?

I'm mid 30's and it's really hard to make new friends, especially if you don't live where you grew up. Everyone seems to have their own network. I find as well that after work etc people just want to go home. I'm not 18 anymore where everyone goes out all the time!

It's easier when you have kids in a way, toddler groups, nursery etc.

That's pretty nasty that you are not invited to work stuff though.

Is there a Queen Bee at work?

I'm that person too. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I find it so hard to make new friends. I think I've made friends then see pictures on FB (damn social media!) or hear about things that I've been left out of. It sucks. I feel like I must be too old now to form the sort of friendships where you can call someone in the middle of the night in a crisis but I do activities and am friendly, happy, approachable and get on well with everyone there, then don't get invited to the pub afterwards with everyone else.

myownprivateidaho That's really helpful, thank you.

I'm early 30s, so people are settling down, it's not like people are going out on the town most weekends. I think I'm too old for that but not yet in the mums category.

Maybe I do give up too soon.... Classic example: I met lady who I got on well with in the sport I do, she popped round to get some kit and I invited her to stay for coffee, then she said we should do it again so a few weeks later I casually asked if she wanted to go for coffee after the sports club, oh yes she said, great we had a good time. Now I've not mentioned anything since about any further plans because Id feel like I'm pressuring her.

Everyone feels lonely sometimes. You could have many amazing friends but not have a DH and feel lonely. I think things will become easier when you start a family if you have a strong positive relationship with DH.

Try and think about which people in your circle you share the most in common with and do not be afraid to give them your attention and time. Go out on a limb and just say, "stuff them" if it does not work. Be fearless without being aggressive or needy.

No Queen bee at work.

Yes sugarmice that is exactly me.

Be fearless without being aggressive or needy. I do try. Good advice.

I've been busy lately myself. I've been happy to have other people arrange things, but I haven't reciprocated much. That doesn't mean I don't see them as friends though. It seriously might just be that people are busy, don't think of you at once, or are content to let you arrange things. Some friendship groups have an 'arranger' and other people rely upon them to plan meetups. Don't persevere for ever, but I don't think there's harm in arranging one or two more things, or taking the next step of making an open suggestion like "Does anyone fancy X (film, play, exhibition, whatever)?' and leaving it to them to respond. And suggesting another coffee to the gym lady would be fine.

I also think you could, at least once, say casually at work 'Oh, is it ok if I come along?' when they're planning something.

If you want to meet people who are likely to be actively looking for friends, try Meetup if there are any events near you. IME that's often more about meeting people than the specific activity. Not sure if your town is big enough, but newcomers to an area often join up to find friends - foreigners in particular may be keen to meet people and chat in English.

im a bit like u except ive given up

met people over the years see them a couple of times then dont here from them again

happened allthe time-must be me i accept that dont know why though

Could be you just aren't meeting people you have much in common with? I had this situation with a group of friends over the past year. We all became friends at the same time, had preschool kids the same age etc but as time went on I noticed they were often meeting up without me. It was hurtful but standing back to look at it in a neutral way, I can see that I just don't have as much in common with them as they have with each other for various reasons.

We used to take our kids to a dance class together and then one of our friends moved away and the rest of them changed to a different class without telling me. When I asked them why they changed, one of them just said bluntly to me 'well X is moving anyway so there's no point doing the class at that time now' Lol. I was left standing there looking like wondering what I had done to become a non-person!

Same person came to me a couple of months later asking me to do her a babysitting favor so she and her DH could stay away overnight to go to a rock festival. Funnily enough I had already had plans that weekend

People are strange! They often are happy with their own circle and don't need to get out and meet others. Some assume others will always do the running. Ultimately you have to think about how you meet people: do you really have anything in common with them or are you just trying to force a friendship from circumstances? You might have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet any princes.

Also if you are not doing what you love, it is harder to meet people you have anything in common with. I am a reluctant stay-at-home parent and have had a hard time making friends as a SAHM. I generally have more in common with working parents but I am not meeting so many right now. And working parents have less time to meet up for play dates etc. I try to remind myself not to personalize things too much and focus on what I enjoy doing and meet people that way. Sounds like you are trying hard though and that's great. All you can do is keep trying with people. I wouldn't worry about being OTT with people either. 90% of making friends is just showing up and making an effort

It doesn't sound like it is the fact that people don't like you, but it is hard to find people that you really click with.

It can take a while really, OP. I have spent long periods of my life with next to no close friends and now I have more close friends than I have time to see.

Can I join in? I have two v good friends. One due to circumstances I hardly ever see. Other one is my friend who i text most days, can call anytime, go out for coffee or drinks or slobbing on the sofa together, can tell anything to. And she's off travelling. I'm worried she'll keep travelling or move overseas.

So i've been trying to make friends. Damn is it hard! Especially when you're a bit weird (like me).

I feel your pain. People are funny and i think dont realise how hurtful they are being.

I'm not that good at making friends and find socializing in groups difficult. However, I have found volunteering helpful because you are doing something rewarding and meeting new people at the same time. There should be a local volunteer bureau for you so it may be worth a try.
You could also try meetup.com. There are lots of different groups and you could also become an organizer. Hope this helps.

Most people are arseholes.

This is why I have no friends.

My friend does this thing where she says "are you still ok to come for dinner, it's ok if you are too tired we can rearrange" which I then assume means she's too tired and doesn't want to meet and then we get locked in a "are you too busy?" Battle which makes both of us think then other doesn't want to. I asked her about it and she said it's because she doesn't want people to feel obliged to see her. You're not doing that and accidentally making people think YOU don't want to meet?

Sometimes it's just bad luck thst you don't meet people who gel with you. I am extrovert and generally have no problem making friends. I moved a lot in my twenties (6 countries) and in most places made wonderful friends very easily. In two of the places though I felt as you do - people just did not seem bothered about me and I didn't make proper friends. I made an effort too and was quite lonely. I can't explain it at all.

from a different point of view it could be that some of these potential friends aren't bothered about making new friends.

I'd count myself as one of them - I've been out at loads of night outs/work things/play dates/uni stuff and met loads of people . Even though I enjoyed there company I have no real desire to become friends with them. I have a full time job, 3ds, a dh, 2 sisters and a mum nearby. I hardly ever have any time alone so the thought of going for coffee with someone from the gym doesn't appeal. Even if I like them. even if I have had a great night out with them or whatever.

could it be that a few people you've tried to be friends with are like this?

I think sometimes you have to be the arranger. Some poeope are crap at returning invites and it can take a while to build up a relationship.

Well the sports lady is up for meeting you. Why not just ask her would you like to meet at X time on X day instead of a vague lets meet up sometime. I think you do need to persue things a bit sometimes.

asking someone to meet at a certain time/day/place is much more concrete then wishy-washy lets get together sometime.

You just haven't met the right people yet.

You don't say i you actually felt you had a friendship-click with them? Did you really like them?

I am the same, have felt like this for most of my life tbh! Had someone I thought I 'clicked' with & then nothing came of it. I did begin to wonder if it was me. I now have 2 close friends & 2-3 friends I see less frequently, but can speak to about most things, I just wouldn't talk to them about the every day ins and outs, boring crap basically.

Since having my baby (number 3) I have tried to get to clubs/meets etc to meet new people but again, nothing really comes of it. I agree, people can be strange. A lot of people have their own 'stuff' going on, or maybe you haven't been forthright enough so the other person thinks you're not interested??

If you lived in London, I'd definitely go out with you to drink wine and point at things and laugh

If your DH is honest and he can't see a reason why people don't like you then either it's just other people being crap, or it's something other women sense but men don't. Are you really good looking or something maybe?

But mostly I bet it's other people being a bit crap.