To feel differently towards my in laws...

[IAmAWickedDIL]

... They haven't even done anything differently. The difference is me.

Have name changed, because i could get my arse handed to me.

My in laws are good people. They have their quirks (daily mail regurgitators) which infuriates us, dh is quite a different person to his family, and I am similar to him.

But they are kind to me and our Dc's and we have always got along well. They are a bit high maintenance with some blow-you-away opinions (daily mail again), but no rifts or major family dramas. They do a lot to make me feel like family and I do the same for them. We get along. That's the background.

What has changed is my dm died 6 months ago. My dad died when I was tiny. You would think this would make me appreciate my parents in law more, but it's the opposite. They bother me more. It doesn't make sense. It's not even real things I'm irritated by, it's petty, I'll give examples...

• MIL has expressed incredulity that a friend of hers lost her mum a few months ago but you wouldn't know it, because she acts completely normal. It should have been an innocent comment to me, but I've felt judged by it. Her own adult dd is very emotionally demonstrative and they do a lot of psychoanalysis and reassurance and picking feelings apart together, but it's not me at all. I wouldnt show my naked body to the world, I can't show my naked emotions either. I can talk about them but not as entertainment over tea

• FIL believes his spoken words enrapture women with their wisdom. He often starts a conversation by saying a sentence consisting of a single noun, such as "circular saw!!" He will then stop, look at me pointedly saying nothing more and the way it's supposed to go is I look intrigued and pleasantly confused and then coax the rest from him, listening and agreeing to his monologue. He doesn't do this to males. I can't do it! I have always managed to diplomatically avoid this role play but I'm worried now my irritation is obvious.

There's more but I'm already feeling guilty writing down the above.

I hope this isn't permanent, Its not the kind of person I want to be. But I'm even thinking unpleasant judgments about mil's cooking. mines so much better

Crap, I'm a bad dil aren't I?

I was going to suggest that. Big smile and , "party bags" or "parking meter". Then leave.

I was about to post the word association idea but someone beat me to it.

Bless you, OP. I am sorry about your mum. I haven't lost a parent but I do have a FIL a bit like yours. His monologues don't start with "circular saw!" but "So I went to Aldi today, the one on the A31...". He is obsessed with supermarkets, and roads. And if there's a toll road ... oh gosh. We could be there all day.

Sending you a hug, you sound like a lovely DIL who is trying very hard! Much harder than me, sometimes I read my book mid-monologue.

After a few tears from reading such lovely and funny posts last night, I've woken more positive today. I had been most upset at Mil's comment, I don't believe she was trying to be unkind but I wondered if she has been discussing my lack of visual grief to her family and acquaintances. I won't raise it with her directly as she will fluster and fret for years to come, but I'm sure i can mention my mum in conversation naturally and then also mention how private grief can be with a hard stare

I'm definitely going to do the word association thing with FIL. He won't like it

Got to take the Dc's out for a bit, but will come back later with a few more dysfunctions I need to learn good ways to deal with!

I understand how you feel. When I lost my dad very suddenly when I was in my twenties, I secretly felt resentful at my PIL because they were not particularly nice people and why should they be around when my lovely, kind dad was not. Sorry to be so blunt and sound awful but that was how I felt. I compared them to him particularly my MIL.

You mention about your MIL making a comment about a family member not showing grief when her mother died and acting "normally", well my MIL went one step further. She never even mentioned my dad's death to me and I saw her regularly. I think this made be realise all I had felt about her secretly was right, although I didn't want it to be.

Don't humour your silly FIL, he's just attention seeking like a child. Take a deep breath and try to minimise your contact with them for a while.

This is perfectly natural. My mum died a year before my LO was born and I feel so angry that my MIL gets to be in their life and my amazing mum doesn't. I even feel like my MIL is glad my mum is dead as she gets to be the only Nanny! My logical brain says this probably isn't true but I can't help my emotional responses, no matter how hard I try. I'm so sorry you lost your parents.

It took me a good long while to get over my DM's death, I spent at least 6 months on autopilot afterwards.

With regards to MIL, she invited us over for mothers day a week after the funeral because "you'll have nothing better to do". She wrote to my DF when I was pregnant (6 months later) to tell him "because Raptors mum is dead, I am the only person she can turn to" (she never once asked how I was) and the final coup de gras, when I was in labour she pretended to be my DM to get more information from the hospital. My first memory after giving birth is someone telling me my DM was on the phone.

Needless to say, she is not my most favourite person in the world.

My Mum died 3 years ago now - and it has really strained my relationship with my ILs.

We've always just kind of rubbed along but now - I just resent them for still being here and still having time with my dc when my Mum doesn't. It's not a conscious decision on my part. Whereas before I chuckled to myself about their sedentary existence, I now feel very impatient and intolerant to them the whole time. I mainly succeed in hiding this. If it gets too much then I go for a run or a swim or busy myself in the kitchen.

You are not a bad DIL at all - your emotions are your own and your impatience with them is completely natural.

I got very grumpy with the rest of the world about a year after MIL died. Impatient with their odd ways, and resentful that anyone could dare to enjoy themselves while we were suffering. I recognise now that I was unreasonable but at the same time I wasn't, it was grief working its way through. It can take ages for this process to happen.

I don't think you are an awful DIL, you sound quite normal and lovely to me.

I also really like violet's word association idea. Even if you don't say them out loud, it could still make you giggle in your head and that can only be a good thing.

I'm so glad you posted this! I thought it was just me. My MiL keeps telling me she knows what I'm going through as she's also lost her mum. I just want to scream at her that it's not the same at all. But I don't as I know she is just trying to help and I want her to have a close relationship with my dd.

My best friend had this almost exactly. Her in laws are nice enough people but she couldn't bear to discuss her dad's illness or mum's death with them. Their interest was more purient than genuine, she felt. Who knows? She just couldn't bear it.

Your dh needs to act as a buffer or gently remind them you are still very fragile even though you have been so wonderfully resilient.

My own in laws ( late 80s) continue to infuriate all of us, much as we love them. Luckily the whole family agrees.

Oh OP YANBU. It sounds like you're still grieving and being very restrained actually.

The circular saw thing did make me laugh, although it would irritate me no end. Next time he says it say "short fuse" and walk away.

Sorry for the loss of your mum

OP, my tolerance to my in laws is diminishing even before my I'll mother has died, and shamefully I don't even feel guilty about it. Luckily they can't read my mind.

I think you need to go one step further with FIL than what has been suggested. Randomly come up with partial statements, e.g blue whale, and when he asks what you are on about, brightly say, "Oh, sorry, have I misunderstood the game? I thought I was supposed to make a random statement the make up a story about it. I thought it was time I got involved and played along."

My nana was lovely. Her husband my grandfather was a twat. When she died I did wish it was him and not her. I know you aren't wishing you mil dead, I am just hoping to show you thinking bad things in grief isn't unusual.

I only had one decent grand parent. My other nana died when I was a baby and both grandfathers were alcoholics. I was enraged that both grandfathers loved while my nanas didn't. I was angry that my kids didn't get the benefit of great grandparents, because the two that would have made an effort were gone, while the 2 who didn't give a shut were here. It was 16 years ago and i am crying thinking about it now.

Thankful dhs grandparents were wonderful and lived until recently and Dd had a great relationship with them.

In the last few years my grandad, who I wished dead, stopped drinking and we made peace. He died this year. I handled it great and assumed it's because I wasn't that close to him. 8 weeks later it hit me like a storm. I feel guilt, sadness, grief etc. I miss him and I am angry at him for wasting so many years getting pissed.

Grief is odd and make us unreasonable. But it's normal so really it is reasonable. I am so sorry you have lost your mum.

You are not horrible op. I had always found my in laws quite hard work but I actively started to dislike them after file hijacked our first ds funeral (premium birth only lived a few hours) I wanted to just have me and dh but dh insisted that was unfair so plan was simple burial then back to our house for tea and sandwiches. Fil decided at the funeral home that he wanted to speak and got up and done a whole monologue on love and crap (in laws are spiritualists and fil believes he is a spiritual healer) I was furious and wanted to punch him in the face. I didn't want to hear about love and ghosts or their spirtualist shite!

When my mum died I went through a period of being angry whenever my very nice IL's mentioned her. My MIL brought up the reasons behind her death a few times before I was ready to discuss it - she didn't mean any harm but didnt seem to understand that I couldn't actually articulate anything because it was too painful.

My MIL is nearly twenty years older than my mum. I kept thinking you've had twenty years more than her. I feel awful because whilst me and MIL dont agree on some things I am very fond of her and grateful that she loves my kids so much.

I was also quite jealous of friends whose mums were alive - so much so that (and OMG I can only say this here) I even got cross with the very lovely Mary Berry still having her mum alive. . (she's not a friend BTW I just read an interview).

I still get a twinge when I hear my friends talking about their mums but I try to remind myself to be grateful that I had the time I had with her.
Feck, it is hard sometimes

Please do the word association thing and report back - it made me laugh out loud. .

...With regards to MIL, she invited us over for mothers day a week after the funeral because "you'll have nothing better to do". She wrote to my DF when I was pregnant (6 months later) to tell him "because Raptors mum is dead, I am the only person she can turn to" (she never once asked how I was) and the final coup de gras, when I was in labour she pretended to be my DM to get more information from the hospital. My first memory after giving birth is someone telling me my DM was on the phone.

RaptorInAPorkPie that is shocking.

I feel a bit like this now my dad is gone. I feel he was the far better grandad to my little one and it's wrong that DS will miss out. And sometimes I feel lonely when I think of them... It's hard to explain... Like I always loved my parents the most and then PIL came after that, but now there's a gap where my dad should be and it feels unbalanced. Like I'm wide open and exposed and a bit bitter that he's not here and they are. But I would never want them to die as they are ace! I know this makes no sense...