To feel differently towards my in laws...

[IAmAWickedDIL]

... They haven't even done anything differently. The difference is me.

Have name changed, because i could get my arse handed to me.

My in laws are good people. They have their quirks (daily mail regurgitators) which infuriates us, dh is quite a different person to his family, and I am similar to him.

But they are kind to me and our Dc's and we have always got along well. They are a bit high maintenance with some blow-you-away opinions (daily mail again), but no rifts or major family dramas. They do a lot to make me feel like family and I do the same for them. We get along. That's the background.

What has changed is my dm died 6 months ago. My dad died when I was tiny. You would think this would make me appreciate my parents in law more, but it's the opposite. They bother me more. It doesn't make sense. It's not even real things I'm irritated by, it's petty, I'll give examples...

• MIL has expressed incredulity that a friend of hers lost her mum a few months ago but you wouldn't know it, because she acts completely normal. It should have been an innocent comment to me, but I've felt judged by it. Her own adult dd is very emotionally demonstrative and they do a lot of psychoanalysis and reassurance and picking feelings apart together, but it's not me at all. I wouldnt show my naked body to the world, I can't show my naked emotions either. I can talk about them but not as entertainment over tea

• FIL believes his spoken words enrapture women with their wisdom. He often starts a conversation by saying a sentence consisting of a single noun, such as "circular saw!!" He will then stop, look at me pointedly saying nothing more and the way it's supposed to go is I look intrigued and pleasantly confused and then coax the rest from him, listening and agreeing to his monologue. He doesn't do this to males. I can't do it! I have always managed to diplomatically avoid this role play but I'm worried now my irritation is obvious.

There's more but I'm already feeling guilty writing down the above.

I hope this isn't permanent, Its not the kind of person I want to be. But I'm even thinking unpleasant judgments about mil's cooking. mines so much better

Crap, I'm a bad dil aren't I?

You are not being horrible. After a bereavement you are very raw and your tolerance of nonsense is set more towards zero than it was before.

Try to focus on the good things about them but avoid too much exposure until you feel able to deal with it.

My FiL goes in for the monologue thing, frequently repeating himself during the course of a story and dragging it out with long portentous pauses. I used to get increasingly tense with irritation. I remember once when he was telling a story he was obviously convinced that I'd find incredibly shocking, and there were lots of little sniggers and sidelong glances at DH. At the time I was working in a field involving criminal cases, and couldn't resist joining in the conversation by talking about a case involving fisting that I'd been looking at. It worked a treat in shutting him up.

These days I try to make sure I've got something else I can do to tune out, like having some knitting or a crossword with me. It's done wonders in keeping me sane when I visit the in-laws. Can you try something like that?

When my Dadl died, I was totally screwed up for at least a year, he was badly ill, & had Alzheimers on top... It was a blessing in many ways that he no longer suffered.
I hurt so badly, I have no words for it.
Had anyone said, 'Oh X is dealing with it brilliantly, blah blah blah.'
I would probably have hated them with a vengeance for the rest of my living days...
Everyone copes differently, avoid her a max.
As for idiot FIL.......Walk.....Away,

This book is really good at explaining the weird feelings of frustration that we have with inlaws and that they have with us. It really helped me very much indeed. It doesn't solve the problems overnight but it really strongly explains that everybody feels this way, and that we're not wrong to have these feelings. Once I realised it was not just me, I found it much easier to keep trying with my ILs.

www.amazon.co.uk/What-Do-You-Want-Laws/dp/0393338533

What Do You Want from Me?: Learning to Get Along with In-Laws

I don't think you are bitter because your DM has gone (I'm sorry to hear that, by the way) and your MIL is still here.

I think it's linked but not in the same way. You are likely overwhelmed by your DM's passing, even when you're not actively thinking about it. From that, you just don't have patience to deal with irritations and certain frivolities. Your FIL's role play would bug the heck out of me. It's kind of an arrogance even if they don't mean it to be. I hate feeling forced to play along with things like this.

As for your MIL, I think she is extremely tactless mentioning anyone else's grief and/or manner of dealing with it, especially when it's their DM too. It's gossipy and unnecessary. Bringing up the subject of someone else's loss might strike a raw nerve with you, so I am amazed she isn't treading more carefully, especially if she is apparently so perceptive and analytical. When she's with you, only 6 months after you've lost your mum, out of respect she should prioritise you and your DM, not be talking (gossiping) about someone else's loss.

You are not a crap DIL at all. I would actually have a few phrases ready to stop this sort of thing. Eg. to MIL : "I'm sorry MIL, but I find it really upsetting thinking about people losing their mums. I can't talk about this just now". Shut her down (politely). To your FIL, I would avoid one-to-one conversations or actually, just ignore him altogether so he has to repeat. Or you could say playfully "Is this a game? I'm rubbish at guessing games! I'll hand you over to MIL!" Or, "I don't know anything about circular saws! DH? DH! FIL wants to chat about circular saws!"

PS OP I loved this that you wrote: "...the way it's supposed to go is I look intrigued and pleasantly confused and then coax the rest from him..." That really painted a strong picture, made me smile! I can just imagine the required facial expressions. You should be a scriptwriter

...couldn't resist joining in the conversation by talking about a case involving fisting that I'd been looking at...

Fuck me. how am I going to resist that one ! Hilarious

Go easy on yourself OP, 6 months is nothing with bereavement of someone close. I found so many people annoying for just being them. It's such a disgruntled sort of feeling and I judged myself, because I'm really not like that usually. I even felt offended by the first season change when spring came along - how bloody dare it just think it could come along like that as if nothing had happened!

My mum died ten years ago.

Not sure if it's connected but I always got on with my MIL and liked her. Then when I was pregnant with my first child, we told her the (very normal, inoffensive, in controversial) name we'd planned and her response was, 'oh I don't like that.'

Ever since that day I've felt different towards her. Betrayed, maybe? I dunno.

YANBU and sorry for your loss.

Yanbu, at all. I'm so sorry about your mum. Mine died 2 years ago and my feelings towards my now ex inlaws ratcheted up from dislike to pure loathing. It just wasn't fucking fair. Mind you their behaviour following mins death was pretty special and tbh probably contributed to the breakdown of my marriage.

Give yourself time and forgive yourself your irritation. They sound like basically ok people and I'm sure they will annoy you less as raw painful grief mellows into just missing her but smiling at the thought of her. Which it does.

It's heartening actually to hear others have a similar reaction. It makes me feel less cow-ish.

pastaagain78 may I ask, what is your situation?

welshmaenad what happened?

Also, don't be fooled by the 'you'd never know' thing about DMIL's friend, because that's common enough in the first few months - but actually only because the full reality hasn't actually hit. There are things I could do quite easily in autopilot in the first months that became impossible in the second part of that first year iyswim.

Are you irritated by your in laws idiosyncrasies?

God, yes!

Mil does a thing in conversations which is not the same but along the lines of your fil's circular saws! I am supposed to respond in a certain way and I just can't. I usually end up sitting there looking blank, trying to think of a way to change the subject so as to not encourage her, and then DH invariably fills in for me. I asked him once if she does it deliberately and he was a bit offended (but I think she does!)

She could be a lot, lot worse and I probably drive her mad too!

Yanbu! Sorry about your mum

I'm so glad you wrote this because I feel exactly the same way, I lost my amazing Dad suddenly when dd1 was 7 days old, he stayed up watching telly and died where he sat, I was and still am utterly heartbroken 3 years on.

I'd always got on with my IL's but since then it's glaringly apparent how different they are and I want to scream at them for not really bothering with my dd's when my own Dad was desperate to be a grandparent.

Recently fil had a stroke and recovered and I felt almost jealous that he'd got over it yet my Dad didn't survive an aneurysm, totally awful thoughts but I couldn't help it.

Of course I'll never let on what I think and still act normally towards them but I doubt I'll ever feel the same about them, it just highlighted their failings which I didn't see when I had my own Dad who filled the parent role perfectly.

OP I feel very much the same, I thought it was just me

My mum died just over a year ago, I've always got on ok with my ILs but they're very very different people and I find them all the more difficult to be around now.

I just want the reaction or conversation I'd have had with my mum, rather than their overbearing shouty ways - I was less irritable perhaps before I lost my mum but I think the comparison of why have I got them and not my mum who I miss so much is something I can't escape

I know it shouldn't be a comparison but it's hard not to feel that way

koan that's interesting, I relate exactly. For the first few months, I've thought "phew, I can cope with this, I must have done my grieving after the terminal diagnosis " but it's just now that emotions are creeping up much more and it's feeling worse.

Dogsmom I'm sorry about your dad. It's not fair. Have your feelings towards in laws gotten better?

No but I do still struggle with my grief, maybe if I had accepted it I wouldn't feel so narked with my IL's.

It sounds like you cover your feelings well towards them and what they don't know can't hurt them, from other posts it appears to be a very common reaction so maybe they felt exactly the same towards their in laws when they lost their parents.

Ten years on I still have the irritation and low threshold for bullshit. I wonder if it ever goes away? Or am I still grieving? (Not that you ever stop grieving really.)

I definitely have a harder edge since my mum died and it's not something I like about myself terribly much.

My MIL was a mad as a box of frogs. FIL died 6 months before DM and I found her very difficult to be around for a while, as she kept implying that my loss was less than hers. Grief is not a competition - but she couldn't get that. I always had to grit my teeth or bite my lip to stop laughing at her absurd statements at the best of times. You aren't being a bad DIL. Because you are grieving, little things that normally you would shrug off are annoying. It will improve, I promise.

My FIL is similarly sexist in his differing conversational styles for men (normal) and women (extremely patronising). He has very definite expectations of how we are all "supposed" to respond to him and gets very put out if we don't play the game.

While visiting a historic site recently he said to me, "Gap, did you know THIS VERY COMMONLY-KNOWN AND BLATANTLY OBVIOUS THING?" and instead of looking intrigued and pleasantly confused (love this!) I said, "Actually, FIL, I do already know that. I know a lot about history as it's my degree subject." He sulked for DAYS but has approached me more cautiously/less sexistly since.

When FIL does that "circular saw" or whatever thing...just return the favour...

"Target practice!"

"Shanaya Twain!"

"Fishcakes!"

etc.

You're not a cow. It's normal to become less tolerant when you lose someone you love.
Since my Dad died suddenly 2 years ago I can't stand being around my mother. She treated him terribly when he was alive, left him (and me) for another man when I was 2 (there's obv. a lot more background here). I lived with him.
Her behavIour around his death was appalling, she turned up at the hospital after I told her not to come (he wouldn't have wanted her there - they hadn't seen each other for 20 years) and her intrusive presence and demanding behaviour made the most horrible time of my life a lot worse. I was embarrassed, his family didn't even recognise her. She bombarded me with texts and calls demanding updates after he had died which I ignored as we were busy viewing the body etc. (there weren't any updates, you can only die once), when I called her back in the evening, she hung up on me. I haven't called her since. She wasn't really concerned about me, she just wanted to be involved. I can't really forgive her. Everything she says or does now annoys me.
Harsh but cathartic.

I also find it impossible to follow a conversation script against my will that someone else has written. Especially if that someone is a boring twat.

I think you are being to hard on yourself, you are still grieving and will be for a very long time.

Re your FIL and his odd way of starting conversations, I agree with Violet ; when he says 'circular saw' reply with 'chainsaw'. When he looks at you in a puzzled way say that you thought he wanted to play word association. He will get the hint eventually (or not)

You are grieving so don't be too hard on yourself. Before this happened, there were already some things you didn't like about your inlaws and so it was natural for you to have these emotions intensify toward them. Plus a little of what a previous poster said, that you felt it unfair deep inside to lose your beloved mother when your inlaws are still around to annoy you with their quirks and different opinions.

If they truly love you and you'll know if they do, then remember that the fact you disagree with them on daily mail/politics/conversational starters which you infer is somehow sexist as you said he doesn't do that to the males in the family (do you truly think he is sexist?)...anyway, when people have different views, it works both ways. Just as you have a strong opinion and feel you're right about whatever issue, so do they. If they don't have a hostility toward you for holding opposite views to theirs, really you shouldn't either.

You may find with time that they become very dear to you...if you let them be themselves with their views and quirks and realize they're not personally attacking you (unless that is the case, if so, then that's a whole other story).

My sil was very angry at me when I got pregnant. She told me she wished something would happen to my baby. She didn't like me before I got pregnant, so when I became pregnant three months before she did, she hated me for it because she already didn't like me. I have nothing to do with her now because of her malice and hostility toward me still.

I just lost my dad...peace to you

*When FIL does that "circular saw" or whatever thing...just return the favour...

"Target practice!"

"Shanaya Twain!"

"Fishcakes!"

etc.*

Please do this