AIBU to feel ever so slightly pissed off?

[PrincessMario]

Hey guys,

This post is probably going to be a bit rambling and emotional, (I don't have any one to talk to, as I'll explain,) so I apologise in advance!

So! My partner and I have been together for nearly 6 years, we've been engaged nearly 4 and our daughter turns 2 this month.

I love him to bits, but things have been pretty rocky recently. He decided he hated his job, (which is fair enough,) so he opted to go into business for himself, (again - fair enough.)

We had always spoken about buying a place to run together, a B+B or something similar, nothing massive, just the two of us and minimal staff. He had 1 meeting with a 'friend' of his, (read silent business partner,) which I was not allowed to be a part of - because I wouldn't understand the things they were talking about - and when he came out, he had agreed to take on a hotel in Perth, (Scotland,) complete with 30 bedrooms, 3 function rooms, 2 bars and a restaurant. A far cry from the original conversation.

We spoke about it over lunch, and that was when he said -

"Blair, (the business partner,) doesn't think you should be involved, because families don't work well together."

I just burst into tears. Because I had been expecting him to cut me out at some point. And then he got angry, because I said I didn't want to do it - too big of a project, moving from the Scottish Borders to Perth, leaving my PT job, and leaving behind friends. But he got stroppy and told me he would just tell Blair to forget it.

To which I said that he would never forgive me if we didn't do it. He told me I needed to toughen up because I can't just cry over things.

Long story short, we moved. We have been here in Perth for nearly 3 months. In that time I haven't seen any of 'my' friends, and my family have visited twice. His mum and dad are up and down almost constantly, which is nice, but depressing. It reminds me of the difference in 'closeness' to my own folks.

He promised me that this would be 'our' business, but I have been into the hotel 3 times. And none of that was actually working a shift. The grand total of minutes I've been in the hotel must be less than 60.

I guess what I'm asking is, AIBU to be upset that he is working almost 24/7 and I am totally isolated without friends or family, in a house that is literally in the middle of nowhere, (the views are amazing though!) And I'm really struggling with my mental and physical health, but any time I do see him, all he talks about is work. He has no idea what is going on with me these days. But anytime I try and bring up the subject, he tells me that all I'm doing is adding to his stress and that it isn't fair.

I seriously feel like I'm drowning, and I don't know what to do. I feel like a cheap housekeeper, laundry, babysitter, dog walker all rolled into one and I don't know what to do.

Again, I'm sorry about the length of this, I'm just... Really stuck.

One love. Xxxxx

[mrsfuzzy]

and blair is puppeteering dp. bad situation all round.

[PrincessMario]

We put in £15,000 which we had saved together to do something like this. I do understand how hard this is for him, and I have tried my best to be supportive, but it feels more and more like he's taking me for a ride.
He and Blair have been partners before on different projects, but this wasn't what I wanted. I wanted it to be just us - not us plus Blair.
Which was what he originally said he wanted, then one meeting changed his mind completely. Xxx

[PrincessMario]

My mum and I aren't close. She has made some choices in the past that I have had trouble forgiving. And she does want me to leave, (I think,) but she's wanted that since day 1.

[AGenie]

You sounds as though you are very powerless in the relationship. I'd be worried about what else he might throw into the mix, without consulting you.

Is he earning a lot of money? I know some women enter a relationship like this and make a deal with themselves that is the man is only going to provide money then they are going to enjoy spending the money.

My biggest concern is that you are not married. You do not have legal rights over any of the money and that is worrying. If it's all going to end, then you at least need a good divorce settlement. If there is a commitment and you intend to stay together then you should put that in writing and discuss what you both expect in this future that he is working for.

It sounds as though your dh is also very powerless in his relationship with blair and that maybe he needs rescuing from that.

[LisaMed1]

You are not on the contract, not on the deeds and you are not married. You could lose that money. It is now something you have no legal entitlement to.

Can you ask him if Blair will bury you if he dies from overwork? Because it sounds like you won't have much say in the funeral and have no right to it either.

How are his parents about your daughter? Could they watch her while you had a driving lesson? btw is there money for you to get and run a car?

[FannyCabbage]

Just wanted to send you a huge hug xxx

[PrincessMario]

His folks live about an hour away and are fairly 'busy' with art classes, gym etc, which is awesome in my opinion - that's how retirement should be!
I have a car, and money for lessons, but childcare is the issue. It was different in the Borders, we were closer to family, and my daughter went to childminding once a week.

I can't seem to speak to him about Blair without being told off. It's like B can do no wrong.

[April229]

Get the MIL to have to dogs and go for a bit. If nothing else pass your test while you have help with the little one. Lay down some conditions before you go back.

In what way are you hard to live with?

[Casperthefriendlyspook]

I think I know the property you're talking about. It's quite identifiable to anyone who knows the area.
But, yes - I'd be concerned your money is in this, and you're getting nothing from this. This is concerning to me....

[PrincessMario]

I suffer from anxiety, depression and PTSD, all of which makes me hard to live with I guess. As I said before, the hotel isn't the issue. It's the fact that he isn't even nice to me when he does get home.

[mickeysminnie]

Sounds to me like Blair didn't want you involved because you would ask too many searching questions and not take everything he said verbatim.
Is there a contract between Blair and your Dp? If so I would be asking to have a look at it. He used both your money and his so you are just as entitled to know what the actual deal is.
I don't doubt your dp is extremely stressed, he has used all your savings and savings from his parents in order to try and turn around a failing business! That is no small order. What happens after a year? If he is successful does Blair have the option of outing him and conversely if he is not will Blair have the power to make him responsible for all the losses.

[IonaNE]

So he made a decision about the 15K without your input, even though half of it was yours (you said "we saved")? Not sure I like that. Also not sure what contracts may have been signed for which you might be responsible (e.g. your credit rating).
I think I'd take the dogs and your DC and leave.

[DrawingLife]

So sorry, what a shitty situation!
I can't believe he just committed you to this huge undertaking without even allowing time for you both to consider the pros and cons and taking a joint decision. It's your life, future and money, too! I also don't quite understand how you let him. It doesn't sound like an equal relationship.
I have no idea what to advise. Apart from upping sticks there doesn't seem to be much you can do. Your dh is right of course, financially you have to make it work now. However I don't understand the dynamic in your relationship where you're letting him call all the shots. If you want to work in the business, why aren't you more assertive about it?
I think learning to drive is a big priority right now. You need to get some independence.

[BastardGoDarkly]

Yes what? He spent your money without consulting you? Or he did consult you, you said no and he did it anyway?

You're in a very vulnerable position op.

Are you allowed a child in the back on driving lessons? Have you done any driving?

It would be invaluable to be able to just drive to the hotel when you want.

[PrincessMario]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and your support.

Im going to have a talk with DP tomorrow and see if we can't work things out. Hopefully we can, as I do love him, and I think he loves me.

I suppose the reason I don't assert myself more is because when I was younger I was in a fairly horrible abusive relationship, and I still suffer flashbacks etc, so confrontation is something I'm not very good at.