AIBU to feel ever so slightly pissed off?

[PrincessMario]

Hey guys,

This post is probably going to be a bit rambling and emotional, (I don't have any one to talk to, as I'll explain,) so I apologise in advance!

So! My partner and I have been together for nearly 6 years, we've been engaged nearly 4 and our daughter turns 2 this month.

I love him to bits, but things have been pretty rocky recently. He decided he hated his job, (which is fair enough,) so he opted to go into business for himself, (again - fair enough.)

We had always spoken about buying a place to run together, a B+B or something similar, nothing massive, just the two of us and minimal staff. He had 1 meeting with a 'friend' of his, (read silent business partner,) which I was not allowed to be a part of - because I wouldn't understand the things they were talking about - and when he came out, he had agreed to take on a hotel in Perth, (Scotland,) complete with 30 bedrooms, 3 function rooms, 2 bars and a restaurant. A far cry from the original conversation.

We spoke about it over lunch, and that was when he said -

"Blair, (the business partner,) doesn't think you should be involved, because families don't work well together."

I just burst into tears. Because I had been expecting him to cut me out at some point. And then he got angry, because I said I didn't want to do it - too big of a project, moving from the Scottish Borders to Perth, leaving my PT job, and leaving behind friends. But he got stroppy and told me he would just tell Blair to forget it.

To which I said that he would never forgive me if we didn't do it. He told me I needed to toughen up because I can't just cry over things.

Long story short, we moved. We have been here in Perth for nearly 3 months. In that time I haven't seen any of 'my' friends, and my family have visited twice. His mum and dad are up and down almost constantly, which is nice, but depressing. It reminds me of the difference in 'closeness' to my own folks.

He promised me that this would be 'our' business, but I have been into the hotel 3 times. And none of that was actually working a shift. The grand total of minutes I've been in the hotel must be less than 60.

I guess what I'm asking is, AIBU to be upset that he is working almost 24/7 and I am totally isolated without friends or family, in a house that is literally in the middle of nowhere, (the views are amazing though!) And I'm really struggling with my mental and physical health, but any time I do see him, all he talks about is work. He has no idea what is going on with me these days. But anytime I try and bring up the subject, he tells me that all I'm doing is adding to his stress and that it isn't fair.

I seriously feel like I'm drowning, and I don't know what to do. I feel like a cheap housekeeper, laundry, babysitter, dog walker all rolled into one and I don't know what to do.

Again, I'm sorry about the length of this, I'm just... Really stuck.

One love. Xxxxx

[PrincessMario]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and your support.

Im going to have a talk with DP tomorrow and see if we can't work things out. Hopefully we can, as I do love him, and I think he loves me.

I suppose the reason I don't assert myself more is because when I was younger I was in a fairly horrible abusive relationship, and I still suffer flashbacks etc, so confrontation is something I'm not very good at.

[BastardGoDarkly]

Yes what? He spent your money without consulting you? Or he did consult you, you said no and he did it anyway?

You're in a very vulnerable position op.

Are you allowed a child in the back on driving lessons? Have you done any driving?

It would be invaluable to be able to just drive to the hotel when you want.

[DrawingLife]

So sorry, what a shitty situation!
I can't believe he just committed you to this huge undertaking without even allowing time for you both to consider the pros and cons and taking a joint decision. It's your life, future and money, too! I also don't quite understand how you let him. It doesn't sound like an equal relationship.
I have no idea what to advise. Apart from upping sticks there doesn't seem to be much you can do. Your dh is right of course, financially you have to make it work now. However I don't understand the dynamic in your relationship where you're letting him call all the shots. If you want to work in the business, why aren't you more assertive about it?
I think learning to drive is a big priority right now. You need to get some independence.

[IonaNE]

So he made a decision about the 15K without your input, even though half of it was yours (you said "we saved")? Not sure I like that. Also not sure what contracts may have been signed for which you might be responsible (e.g. your credit rating).
I think I'd take the dogs and your DC and leave.

[mickeysminnie]

Sounds to me like Blair didn't want you involved because you would ask too many searching questions and not take everything he said verbatim.
Is there a contract between Blair and your Dp? If so I would be asking to have a look at it. He used both your money and his so you are just as entitled to know what the actual deal is.
I don't doubt your dp is extremely stressed, he has used all your savings and savings from his parents in order to try and turn around a failing business! That is no small order. What happens after a year? If he is successful does Blair have the option of outing him and conversely if he is not will Blair have the power to make him responsible for all the losses.

[PrincessMario]

I suffer from anxiety, depression and PTSD, all of which makes me hard to live with I guess. As I said before, the hotel isn't the issue. It's the fact that he isn't even nice to me when he does get home.

[Casperthefriendlyspook]

I think I know the property you're talking about. It's quite identifiable to anyone who knows the area.
But, yes - I'd be concerned your money is in this, and you're getting nothing from this. This is concerning to me....

[April229]

Get the MIL to have to dogs and go for a bit. If nothing else pass your test while you have help with the little one. Lay down some conditions before you go back.

In what way are you hard to live with?

[PrincessMario]

His folks live about an hour away and are fairly 'busy' with art classes, gym etc, which is awesome in my opinion - that's how retirement should be!
I have a car, and money for lessons, but childcare is the issue. It was different in the Borders, we were closer to family, and my daughter went to childminding once a week.

I can't seem to speak to him about Blair without being told off. It's like B can do no wrong.

[FannyCabbage]

Just wanted to send you a huge hug xxx

[LisaMed1]

You are not on the contract, not on the deeds and you are not married. You could lose that money. It is now something you have no legal entitlement to.

Can you ask him if Blair will bury you if he dies from overwork? Because it sounds like you won't have much say in the funeral and have no right to it either.

How are his parents about your daughter? Could they watch her while you had a driving lesson? btw is there money for you to get and run a car?

[AGenie]

You sounds as though you are very powerless in the relationship. I'd be worried about what else he might throw into the mix, without consulting you.

Is he earning a lot of money? I know some women enter a relationship like this and make a deal with themselves that is the man is only going to provide money then they are going to enjoy spending the money.

My biggest concern is that you are not married. You do not have legal rights over any of the money and that is worrying. If it's all going to end, then you at least need a good divorce settlement. If there is a commitment and you intend to stay together then you should put that in writing and discuss what you both expect in this future that he is working for.

It sounds as though your dh is also very powerless in his relationship with blair and that maybe he needs rescuing from that.

[PrincessMario]

My mum and I aren't close. She has made some choices in the past that I have had trouble forgiving. And she does want me to leave, (I think,) but she's wanted that since day 1.

[PrincessMario]

We put in £15,000 which we had saved together to do something like this. I do understand how hard this is for him, and I have tried my best to be supportive, but it feels more and more like he's taking me for a ride.
He and Blair have been partners before on different projects, but this wasn't what I wanted. I wanted it to be just us - not us plus Blair.
Which was what he originally said he wanted, then one meeting changed his mind completely. Xxx

[mrsfuzzy]

and blair is puppeteering dp. bad situation all round.

[mrsfuzzy]

don't know about anyone else but i'm finding princessmarios situation increasingly concerning the more she tells us about this, i think the term is..um.. gaslit ? if she was my daughter i'd be encouraging her to leave and set out on her own with dd, as she is like rhubarb- constantly kept in the dark and patronized, single motherhood is hard but very do able, oh, sorry princess you ARE already a single mum. you can go your own way, you can do this and be a stronger woman as a result plus a great role model for your little girl. at the moment you are a puppet with 'd'p jerking you around.

[MammaTJ]

I think Blair dazzled him, blinded him with science (well, business) and that is why he said you would not understand what was being said! You know, because he didn't really.

He is in too deep to come out and having to do the donkey work, what with Blair being the 'silent' lazy partner.

I know you are unhappy, but I see what he is going through too. And it is tough! Oh so tough! He needs your support, as you need his.

Try really hard to explain that you understand and support him, but would appreciate if he would understand and support you too.

A couple of days a week of reversed roles would be great for you both. Can you arrange child care so you can do a couple of days with him before you start this?

[missm0use]

Oh darling that sounds awful! I'm so sorry for you. I'm guessing its a country house hotel - if it was one in the centre you being unable to drive won't matter so much.
Stand your ground and demand to be included in the business. This is supposed to be your joint venture, which I'm guessing means your DP put your joint money into the hotel and if it fails your joint money will be lost.
If he's going go continue to dismiss you, tell him you want your share of the money he invested and you are leaving. Make sure you get what's yours before you leave. Xx

[wombattoo]

Fair enough.

[chipsandpeas]

We put money in

how much was the split of the cash?

id be worried ive been scammed out of the money i have put into a business if i havent seen or signed any contract and well being told im not allowed to go to the hotel or work there

[PrincessMario]

We put money in, Blair bought the building, (his business is finding failing property,) and DP's mum and dad put money in. There is a contract, but I haven't seen or signed it.

[PrincessMario]

Blair is a man But maybe he should marry him...

To be honest, I haven't changed names because I don't really mind if he reads this.

Truth be told, I'm not a picnic to live with, and I know that. I have issues! And I've had some pretty fucked relationships, but nothing like this.

I can't take my dogs home, my mum and dad are separated, and there would be nowhere to go. But I have considered asking MIL to take them for a while.

I'm scared that I wouldn't cope as a single mum. But then, I suppose I already am one. I just have a 2 year old and a 32 year old!

[chipsandpeas]

have you put up any money for this business.....why is blair such an influence, have they put money in as well

[deathtoheadlice]

This sounds like an intolerable situation and I think you will need to chasms it very soon. Yes, he sounds isolating and controlling. If he won't yasmin about it, involve you or listen it's hard to see an option other than leaving...

[BastardGoDarkly]

He's out for 20 hours a day?! Seriously, fuck this.