To feel really uncomfortable that visiting uncle is the only

[minifingerz]

... member of my elderly mum's extended family who doesn't know he's adopted?

EVERYONE else knows - all my family, both my aunts' families. My mum's sisters live in the same country as my uncle. Years ago they made decision to keep this from him, and my mum had a falling out not long before my younger aunt died when my mum suggested that he should be told. My mum won't tell him now because she says it's not up to her. I think she's scared of falling out with her last remaining sister.

He's in his 60's now. He was adopted as a newborn when my mum and her sisters were teenagers.

I just feel so uncomfortable about the fact that his adoption is being kept from him while all of the rest of us know. It just seems so wrong.

"and leave him in peace"

Um, you haven't read the thread have you?

My mother was adopted by her (unmarried) birth mother's (married) sister, just post WW2. So mother became aunt, and vice versa. She always knew though, as her family made a point of casually talking about it in her presence right from the start, so there would be no big reveal later on.

I just can't stop feeling that the facts of his birth and adoption 'belong' to him, and that by withholding them we're doing something morally wrong.

I've been through this, the way in which the news was shared (by a distant relative) was horrific and the repercussions still keep coming.
this is news that belongs only to a handful of people, the hurt and fall out you have the potential to cause is immense.
do people have a right to know their history, yes? but not everyone has the right to tell them.
please don't think of your own guilt of knowing, if you feel that desperate to involve yourself then speak to the person who should share the news.

My mother is the one who should do it, but she won't. She avoids difficult emotions. So that's that.

Except my uncle will be meeting with an old neighbour who lived next door to my mother's family at the time my uncle was adopted. The guy is coming around for dinner in a few weeks and there will be a lot of reminiscing. He's also going to meet with his father's (my mum's stepfather) brother in the next few weeks. My mum is getting nervous about things coming out then...

I absolutely don't feel 'desperate to involve myself. I've already said I have no intention of telling him.

I just wish my mother hadn't involved me in her conspiracy to keep his birth a secret...

I just can't stop feeling that the facts of his birth and adoption 'belong' to him, and that by withholding them we're doing something morally wrong.

Yes, I think you are. It's a very strange decision to never tell the truth about this to your uncle, especially as it is common knowledge amongst the rest of the family.

Telling him now would be utterly cruel. Not only the fact of it, at his age there is little chance of meeting his birth parents so that choice has been taken from him, and also his entire family have been keeping a secret from him all his life. That's just so, so awful.

If his parents and all three of his sisters have managed to keep it from him for 60 years, what makes you think this old neighbour will blow the whole thing during one dinner? How do you see this playing out? 'Hi, how are you? How are you handling being adopted 60 years ago?'

Tatertots - it sometimes does come out casually. Plenty of stories about that...

In my husbands family here is a "cousin" who discovered she was adopted at Guide camp.

Hmmm its a difficult situation. I think he has a right to know, but I don't think its fair for YOU to tell him. You don't know how he will react or what issues it could raise, and once that genie is out of the bottle you can't put it back.

I NC for this because I have a similar family secret of my own, concerning an unofficial adoption because the person was illegitimate. Nowadays we don't even blink an eyelid about this - we don't even use the term any more - but when they were born it WAS a big deal, and no amount of reassurance that it really doesn't matter is going to make someone of their generation feel better about it.
In my case, a chance remark lead to a conversation with my sister who confirmed she had always suspected the true situation. And a later conversation with a cousin who had been told by a neighbour (her ex boyfriend's grandmother) but had put it down to malicious gossip. So the truth might be out there, but suppressed or ignored for whatever reason. I can honestly say that my curiosity makes me want to know more. But that's not a good enough reason to potentially cause a lot of upset to an elderly person.

I don't do subtle, but I'd love to know if there is an way of introducing the topic so that he has the opportunity to say whether he knows, and open up about it if he wants to.

It might be possible to find out who his birth mother is but you will need to be very, very careful if you decide to go down this path. This is why adoption agencies always advise counselling if adoptees want to know about their birth parents.

My nephew, who is grown up, doesn't know his Dad is not his real dad.
My sister has never told him and she says she does not know if he knows or not.
She said he has never asked but if he did she will tell him and has kept photos of his real dad.
Everyone knows but no one knows if he does. Mad.

There is a situation like this in my DP's family. Unfortunately they live in a country where it was easy to have an unofficial adoption and also to bribe local officials into providing a birth certificate where the adoptive parents were named as birth parents. I find it shocking and sad.

If you do not want to tell him directly, you could do a a DNA test for genealogy, and buy one for him too. So many people do a DNA test for ancestry reasons and learn they are adopted, I read of this situation several times a week in some dna genealogy and search groups I am in. I would not ask ahead of time, but order 2 testing kits and then show up with yours and his to do together. AncestryDNA or FamilyTreeDNA are the two companies my sibling and I tested with. DNA doesn't lie.
My opinion is that everyone is wrong to keep this a secret from him. I would want to track down my bio family if I learned I was adopted or the result of a union other than my parents. He is a grown adult, and may be missing out on a whole family of whom he is also a part of. I am sure he will not hate his biological mom, she must be 74 at the youngest, and things were differant back when she had him. But nowadays nobody will look down on her. My ex Mil found out when she was an adult that her "parents" were her grandparents and her older sister was her bio mother. She was astounded, but fine with that, she and her "sister" were very close.

Anyways, it is totally understandable if you do not want to upset your mom, but I hope that he does learn the truth...his truth, one way or another.
.

What, and put on her best codfish expression at the 'shock' revelation the DNA doesn't match? This really isn't any different to telling him outright.

My birth certificate looks like a normal certificate. I have another with adoption wrote on it though but I've never been asked for both.

I found out when I was 8 that my dad wasn't my dad. I was hunting for Christmas presents and found a birth certificate with my name on but a different surname and the dads name wasn't my dads name.

But after that it was all explained and 3/4 years later I was officially adopted.

He does deserve to know but he might do. I don't talk about my dad not been my real dad in RL. Some people know some people don't but oh well. It's not something people need to know unless it's medical reason tbh

The OP is clearly uncomfortable about the fact that everyone knows, but no one has told him. Not that she thinks she should tell him

Really if he doesn't know, everyone else should have been kept their mouths shut.

I discovered that my dads, dad was not his dad. Dads mum had an affair with her husbands brother which resulted in my dad being born. So his uncle was his biological father. I agonised over telling him. My cousin told me and it was clear that side of the family all knew. I know my cousin only told me because she wanted me to tell my dad and watch the fall out. They love a bit of drama.

After deciding it was only right that since I knew, my dad should know (his biological father was still alive) it turned out that my dad did know. He found out years before. Has discussed it with both his dad and biological father, briefly and that was that. His mother died before he found out.

Dad was really touched I told him. He knew it was difficult for me but I put him first.

My dads entire family had no idea he knew. They were all quite smug about knowing this when he didn't, they aren't very nice people. My cousin was ever so disappointed when they was no fireworks.